Non-parental responsibility?

Since it's your brothers daughter, you may want to remind him that you and he were not raised that way.

Richard

I know I would have said something to her while she was there. (Not saying that you should have, only what I'm inclined to do.)

I've done it plenty of times. My daughter's friends call over here and have obviously not been taught any phone etiquette at all.

I answer the phone, "Hello."

"Hi."

Nothing else. I don't say anything on purpose.

Kid says, "Can I talk to Julia."

I say, "Not until you say 'hello' to me and tell me to whom I am speaking."

I don't hand over snacks until it's requested properly and I ask pointedly for a response once I have, if it's not forthcoming. I want someone to treat my children the same way. I don't see this as stepping on my parental toes. I see it as reinforcing my position by showing my children that I'm not the only one who expects and responds to decent manners.

Doubtless, this girl's parents would prefer to have her act decently, so you would only be assisting their (non)efforts.

My kids are young and so are their friends, but their friends still hang out at our house a lot during the summer. Probably because we are always outside playing volleyball, frisbee, or something with them and we have a huge fenced in back yard. All the parents know that all kids in my yard will be treated the same, whether my kids or not. I have literally had kids ask for water and I give water only to the ones that say please. The others, I simply tell them to go home and get their own water and come back when they can show some manners. And when I give them water, if they don't say thank you, they don't get any burgers or hotdogs we are alway grilling. I always have icicle pops, chips, kool-aid and other treats, and I will NOT give anything to the kids that don't show manners. Even when the kids are staying overnight. The only difference is that if they are staying overnight, I will always give them water and saltine crackers, but no other treats. I have found that these kids catch on rather quick.
I mean think about it, about 3 kids eating popcorn and drinking kool-aid and 1 kid gets only water with saltine crackers?

I'm not a parent, but I have no problem correcting a child whether it's family or not. And I don't give a crap if the parents like it or not. It's probably why I don't hang out with married/children people, because I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to respect and manners. It's probably why I blow friends and some family off when they want me to come around their spouse and kids, but I'll go and do something with them alone.

I'm actually surprised that someone would feel they don't have a right to reprimand their niece or nephew, especially when they're in your care at your house. My brother and sister encourage me to reprimand my niece and nephews because they know I'm doing it for their own good. I guess it has to do with how close you are to your siblings and trust.

My first reaction: she's in your house, she should follow your rules. Please and thank you are not placing too much of a burden on her. That said, she's probably not even aware of the need to say these words. Is she otherwise well-behaved? Could it be a certain level of discomfort at being in another house? Is this the first time she's been away from her folks for a long period of time?

Whether to say something to your brother?
Mmmm... if you think the wife could be a problem, I'd take him aside and point it out to him alone, but whether to do that also depends on what sort of relationship you have with him. People can get pretty defensive of their little chickens.

Now that I think of it: I don't recall people shrinking from telling me when I was being rude as a little kid so a Miss Manners lesson might do her good.

Have I helped or gone around in circles??

My first reaction: she's in your house, she should follow your rules.

Click to expand...

Precisely. When my kids have friends over, they are normally very polite. But the occassional reminder that 'In this house we do this' works wonders. I did have one kid say he wanted to go home when I wouldn't let him play one of my husbands 18 rated PC games -- I said fine, get your shoes on. He soon changed his mind Most of them are fine with house rules though, especially if you explain say 'I think it's much more polite to say please and thank you'. After the first telling, they get nothing unless they say please. And if they don't say thanks, it gets taken away again.

Yeah, you should definitely say something to your brother. And to the girl. Even if there's something off about her, it's worth it to defend civility.

Ha! What a bunch of hard-asses we all are.

I'm pleased.

Mr Rima's nephew, who is now 14, is a pretty entitled little guy. His parents are so proud of his abilities--he's in the talented and gifted program at school (insert mild eye roll here) it's as if they think that his intellect excuses him from having to display the normal social niceties. As a result, he is rude and demanding. When I see this behavior at his parents' house, I obviously can't do anything about it, but at my own? Yeah.

I have plenty of nieces and nephews and all of them know that you say "please" and "thank you" to Auntie Me. I've never told a single one of them off for not being polite, and I've never needed to. Even the least well-mannered of them understood when I asked what the magic word was. Old-fashioned but true.

None of my brothers or sisters ever complained about it, but then I never complained to any of them about their bad mannered children either. Just expected better around me.

This exchange happened at my son's birthday party:

Kid: I want more soda.
Me: I want a guest with manners. I guess we're both out of luck.

He apologized for being rude and asked politely a bit later. Two years later, at another b-day party, a new kid did the same thing. All the boys at the table froze, and the ones next to him whispered, prompting a much more polite request.

Kids do learn fast and if they want to be comfortable in my house, then they follow my rules. That includes not swearing, never calling anyone stupid or being intentionally cruel, no racist, sexist or homophobic language, and if it's time to clean, they can help or go home. Strangely, there are six or seven boys who are always hanging around my house. I think they like knowing the rules.

No.

No, it isn't your job to teach her. But, it is your job to enforce the rules in your own home. Your kids say please and thank you, why shouldn't she when she's there?

I agree with Mel's comment about house rules. Plus, there's little doubt in my mind that, at 12, she knows all about "please" and "thank you".

My siblings' sweet little savages are pretty clever. They've known about "please" and "thank you" for quite some time. I didn't teach them. I just expected them to apply that knowledge. Out of 14, not one has failed to understand what I wanted.

I think that since it's your house it's your rules.....there are so many people out in the world that either just don't know how to use manners or they simply don't want to, but I think you start drilling them into kids' heads at a young age. My sons are 6 and 3 and both of them know how to use their pleases and thank yous. Yes, she's your brother's kid, but that doens't meanyou have to sit by and let her be rude. just my opinion.

That's how I handle it. My house, my rules. I'll tell that to anyone that want(ed) my wife and/or I to babysit. I even went so far as to swat one child that I was watching for a month (sibling had Ewing's sarcoma) on the fanny because he kept choking my cat.

Me: "Would you like something to drink?"
Them: "yes"
Me: "Yes please?"
Them" "yes please!"

It doesn't take long before yes please just comes out.

CaroGirl said:

My brother's 12 yo daughter is staying with me for 12 days while they're on vacation.

Click to expand...

This has always annoyed me.

I think it's pretty selfish to take a vacation and leave your kids behind. But I hear about it all the time.

James81 said:

This has always annoyed me.

I think it's pretty selfish to take a vacation and leave your kids behind. But I hear about it all the time.

Click to expand...

Depending on the size of your family, and if someone is a stay at home parent, a vacation for just the mom and dad can be healthy for the family as a whole.

CaroGirl said:

The overwhelming majority of you believes I should have her asked to say please and thank you from the start. Regrettably, I didn't, and she goes home tomorrow. Now, should I mention her lack of manners to her mother, father, both or neither? I almost wonder if they chose NOT to enforce polite behaviour in their kids. I've even done her laundry twice and got nothing out of her.

Click to expand...

I think there would be nothing wrong with correcting her from the start, but I'd let it go at this point. I doubt I'd mention the lack of manners unless they asked. What's the point, really? They have obviously decided this wasn't important to them.