"The Eye of Argon" Lost Ending, Found!

Andrew Jameson · Apr 20, 2005

Those who are fans of the subgenre known as "really really really really bad and cliched fantasy" will recognize the novella "The Eye of Argon" by Jim Theis (Wikipedia entry). For those that don't recognize it, "The Eye of Argon" is so bad, so unrelentingly terrible, that it's actually quite a fun read. It's full of quotable quotes and memorably recognizable scenes, due in no small part to the author's insistance on a 1:1 ratio of nouns to adjectives and intemperate use of Roget's. A few small examples:

The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzed hide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.
"You make love well wench," Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.

The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale, then pastily lit up to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage, while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish. His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly, then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.

And, my personal favorite:

Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety. Gaping from its single obling socket was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald, a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own. A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires...the eye of Argon.

"The Eye of Argon" has been around on the net for a while. So why the thread now? Well, until recently, the versions floating around the Web were missing the ending; apparently, the original mimeographed fanzine where "Eye" had been published was missing the final page. However, I just found out, thanks to another savvy Netizen, that the missing ending has recently been found. Maybe this os old news to some of you, but... I was so excited, I just had to share.

Behold, the complete "Eye of Argon"!

Richard · Apr 20, 2005

Wow. Suddenly, it all makes sense...

DaveKuzminski · Apr 20, 2005

Hey, did the author use a computer program to compose or rearrange some of those paragraphs like they did that chapter in Atlanta Nights?

Zolah · Apr 20, 2005

Andrew Jameson said:
Those who are fans of the subgenre known as "really really really really bad and cliched fantasy" will recognize the novella "The Eye of Argon" by Jim Theis....I just found out, thanks to another savvy Netizen, that the missing ending has recently been found. Maybe this os old news to some of you, but... I was so excited, I just had to share.

OH. MY. GOD.

Andrew Jameson, will you marry me?

soloset · Apr 20, 2005

DaveKuzminski said:
Hey, did the author use a computer program to compose or rearrange some of those paragraphs like they did that chapter in Atlanta Nights?

The story goes that it was written in the mid-seventies for a paper fanzine, and that still, today, people make a game out of seeing how far they can read before cracking up.

I made it to "You make love well, wench!" myself. I think it'd make a fantastic drinking game, too. Let's see.

Take a shot every time you see the word "Grignir".
Take a shot every time you see two things that don't go together, together (ie, "scarlet emerald").
Take a shot every time you see a bizarre reference to sex where the author probably didn't mean it ("Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount").
Take a shot every time you see a misused homonym.

Bleh. I'd die of alcohol poisoning. Btw, for anyone who hasn't read it already -- try the MSTK'd version. It's hilarious. Er, even more hilarious.

And for some fascinating sci-fi background, try here:

http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/sf/eyeargon/argnmail.htm

It always amazes me how small and circular the sci-fi world has been at various points in its history.

zizban · Apr 20, 2005

Zolah said:
OH. MY. GOD.

Andrew Jameson, will you marry me?

I'll marry you :tongue

The Eye of Argon....all I can say is, its so sincerely bad. I started reading it online early and nearly spit out my soda.

Vomaxx · Apr 20, 2005

Send it off to PA immediately!

whitehound · Apr 20, 2005

It's hysterically bad - the idea of a many fauceted jewel will haunt me for some time to come - but one must remember that the author was only 16 at the time, and purple prose tends to be a common hazard at that age. And I feel a bit guilty mocking all the misused words because the poor boy was maybe dyslexic, or lived in an area with really bad schools. It's whoever edited the zine who really deserves the blame: they ought at least to have done something about the misuses, though it wouldn't be so funny if they had.

Richard · Apr 21, 2005

The Eye of Argon contains my favourite line in all fantasy:

"You"; ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone.

Zane Curtis · Apr 21, 2005

Thanks to Dave Langford, I've known about the Eye of Argon for years, but I was genuinely surprised to hear about the reappearance of the long-lost ending...

I'd never made it far enough in to realise it lacked one.

:hat:

Inspired · Apr 21, 2005

I'm still trying to understand the references to the woman's sagging nipples and firm protruding busts.

Can someone draw me a picture?

Zane Curtis · Apr 21, 2005

'kay

(v)(v)

(Umm. Am I going to get into trouble for that?)

Christine N. · Apr 21, 2005

Oh,

I was wondering what that was all about. That author needs to get it to Lulu and print it up. Package it with Atlanta Nights - the two worst books ever written!

Zolah · Apr 21, 2005

zizban said:
I'll marry you

At last! My plan to use the Absolute Write forum to find a husband has come to fruition. Next stop, total world domination. Mwaa-haaa-haaa!

dblteam · Apr 22, 2005

For anyone who's interested, here's a link to both the regular and the MST3K version of "Eye of Argon". The MST3K version is probably the funniest thing I've ever read. I laughed until I couldn't breathe.

Valerie

http://www.cowlark.com/parodies.html

(Sorry, I don't know how to make a clickable link out of it.)

zizban · Apr 22, 2005

Zolah said:
At last! My plan to use the Absolute Write forum to find a husband has come to fruition. Next stop, total world domination. Mwaa-haaa-haaa!

My goal of finding a wife on AW is now complete. Now I, I mean, WE, can work on crushing those who oppose us. :Trophy:

zizban · Apr 22, 2005

The MST3K version is very funny. made me laugh until I was in tears.

Zolah · Apr 22, 2005

zizban said:
My goal of finding a wife on AW is now complete. Now I, I mean, WE, can work on crushing those who oppose us.

Hmmm.

Memo to self: Think of a way to eliminate threat of new husband, who displays disturbing tendency to seize control of meglomaniac schemes. Flying monkeys? Not scary enough. Giant genetically modified Spider? Too scary. Ask Igor.

Also pick up dry cleaning.

Andrew Jameson · Apr 22, 2005

Zolah said:
Hmmm.

Memo to self: Think of a way to eliminate threat of new husband, who displays disturbing tendency to seize control of meglomaniac schemes. Flying monkeys? Not scary enough. Giant genetically modified Spider? Too scary. Ask Igor.

Wow, did I dodge a bullet.

A flashing, gleaming bullit, speedily emitted in a burping cloud of smoke from the extenuous barrel of a besilvered carbine, held in the meaty, throbing hand of no other than that gasping, thewed barbarian, Grignr the Ecordian.

Or something like that.

whitehound · Apr 22, 2005

I'm still trying to work out how somebody, not being an elephant, elephant shrew or tapir, can have a lithe nose...?

zizban · Apr 22, 2005

whitehound said:
I'm still trying to work out how somebody, not being an elephant, elephant shrew or tapir, can have a lithe nose...?

Stop trying to figure it out. You're brain will explode.

whitehound · Apr 23, 2005

Actually I sort of know what he probably meant - that her nose was an elegant shape - though I don't see why it was "opaque" as well as lithe, or what else it could be. Most of the time one can at least hazard a guess at what was intended, and "the shadowed land beyond the the aperature of the grave" is (despite the misspelling and duplication) actually rather a good image, as is "the bleeding horizon."

But what on earth or off it is "an expugnisively carved likeness"? That one has me stumped, I must confess.

Btw, apparently "scarlet emerald" isn't neccessarily an oxymoron - there really is a stone (a type of beryl) which is called that.

"The Eye of Argon" Lost Ending, Found!

Andrew Jameson

(not his real name)

Richard

13th Triskaidekaphobe

DaveKuzminski

Preditors & Editors

Zolah

Over the hills and far away

soloset

'bye

zizban

Vomaxx

whitehound

Resident rodent-freak

Richard

13th Triskaidekaphobe

Zane Curtis

Dried Frog Pill Dispenser

Inspired

Zane Curtis

Dried Frog Pill Dispenser

Christine N.

haz a shiny new book cover

Zolah

Over the hills and far away

dblteam

zizban

zizban

Zolah

Over the hills and far away

Andrew Jameson

(not his real name)

whitehound

Resident rodent-freak

zizban

whitehound

Resident rodent-freak