Those who are fans of the subgenre known as "really really really really bad and cliched fantasy" will recognize the novella "The Eye of Argon" by Jim Theis (Wikipedia entry). For those that don't recognize it, "The Eye of Argon" is so bad, so unrelentingly terrible, that it's actually quite a fun read. It's full of quotable quotes and memorably recognizable scenes, due in no small part to the author's insistance on a 1:1 ratio of nouns to adjectives and intemperate use of Roget's. A few small examples:
Behold, the complete "Eye of Argon"!
The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzed hide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.
"You make love well wench," Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
And, my personal favorite:The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale, then pastily lit up to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage, while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish. His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly, then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.
"The Eye of Argon" has been around on the net for a while. So why the thread now? Well, until recently, the versions floating around the Web were missing the ending; apparently, the original mimeographed fanzine where "Eye" had been published was missing the final page. However, I just found out, thanks to another savvy Netizen, that the missing ending has recently been found. Maybe this os old news to some of you, but... I was so excited, I just had to share.Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety. Gaping from its single obling socket was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald, a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own. A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires...the eye of Argon.
Behold, the complete "Eye of Argon"!