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View Full Version : "The Eye of Argon" Lost Ending, Found!



Andrew Jameson
04-20-2005, 05:44 PM
Those who are fans of the subgenre known as "really really really really bad and cliched fantasy" will recognize the novella "The Eye of Argon" by Jim Theis (Wikipedia entry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_of_Argon)). For those that don't recognize it, "The Eye of Argon" is so bad, so unrelentingly terrible, that it's actually quite a fun read. It's full of quotable quotes and memorably recognizable scenes, due in no small part to the author's insistance on a 1:1 ratio of nouns to adjectives and intemperate use of Roget's. A few small examples:
The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzed hide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.
"You make love well wench," Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale, then pastily lit up to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage, while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish. His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly, then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.And, my personal favorite:
Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety. Gaping from its single obling socket was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald, a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own. A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires...the eye of Argon."The Eye of Argon" has been around on the net for a while. So why the thread now? Well, until recently, the versions floating around the Web were missing the ending; apparently, the original mimeographed fanzine where "Eye" had been published was missing the final page. However, I just found out, thanks to another savvy Netizen, that the missing ending has recently been found. Maybe this os old news to some of you, but... I was so excited, I just had to share.

Behold, the complete "Eye of Argon" (http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Misc/eyeargon.html)!

Richard
04-20-2005, 08:03 PM
Wow. Suddenly, it all makes sense...

DaveKuzminski
04-20-2005, 08:10 PM
Hey, did the author use a computer program to compose or rearrange some of those paragraphs like they did that chapter in Atlanta Nights?

Zolah
04-20-2005, 11:40 PM
Those who are fans of the subgenre known as "really really really really bad and cliched fantasy" will recognize the novella "The Eye of Argon" by Jim Theis....I just found out, thanks to another savvy Netizen, that the missing ending has recently been found. Maybe this os old news to some of you, but... I was so excited, I just had to share.

OH. MY. GOD.

Andrew Jameson, will you marry me?

soloset
04-20-2005, 11:50 PM
Hey, did the author use a computer program to compose or rearrange some of those paragraphs like they did that chapter in Atlanta Nights?

The story goes that it was written in the mid-seventies for a paper fanzine, and that still, today, people make a game out of seeing how far they can read before cracking up.

I made it to "You make love well, wench!" myself. I think it'd make a fantastic drinking game, too. Let's see.

Take a shot every time you see the word "Grignir".
Take a shot every time you see two things that don't go together, together (ie, "scarlet emerald").
Take a shot every time you see a bizarre reference to sex where the author probably didn't mean it ("Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount").
Take a shot every time you see a misused homonym.

Bleh. I'd die of alcohol poisoning. Btw, for anyone who hasn't read it already -- try the MSTK'd version. It's hilarious. Er, even more hilarious.

And for some fascinating sci-fi background, try here:

http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/sf/eyeargon/argnmail.htm

It always amazes me how small and circular the sci-fi world has been at various points in its history.

zizban
04-21-2005, 01:55 AM
OH. MY. GOD.

Andrew Jameson, will you marry me?

I'll marry you :tongue

The Eye of Argon....all I can say is, its so sincerely bad. I started reading it online early and nearly spit out my soda.

Vomaxx
04-21-2005, 02:00 AM
Send it off to PA immediately!

whitehound
04-21-2005, 08:50 AM
It's hysterically bad - the idea of a many fauceted jewel will haunt me for some time to come - but one must remember that the author was only 16 at the time, and purple prose tends to be a common hazard at that age. And I feel a bit guilty mocking all the misused words because the poor boy was maybe dyslexic, or lived in an area with really bad schools. It's whoever edited the zine who really deserves the blame: they ought at least to have done something about the misuses, though it wouldn't be so funny if they had.

Richard
04-21-2005, 12:49 PM
The Eye of Argon contains my favourite line in all fantasy:


"You"; ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone.

Zane Curtis
04-21-2005, 02:54 PM
Thanks to Dave Langford, I've known about the Eye of Argon for years, but I was genuinely surprised to hear about the reappearance of the long-lost ending...

I'd never made it far enough in to realise it lacked one.

:hat:

Inspired
04-21-2005, 03:22 PM
I'm still trying to understand the references to the woman's sagging nipples and firm protruding busts.


Can someone draw me a picture?

Zane Curtis
04-21-2005, 05:15 PM
'kay

(v)(v)








(Umm. Am I going to get into trouble for that?) :D

Christine N.
04-21-2005, 05:23 PM
Oh, :roll: I was wondering what that was all about. That author needs to get it to Lulu and print it up. Package it with Atlanta Nights - the two worst books ever written!

Zolah
04-21-2005, 09:52 PM
I'll marry you :tongue

At last! My plan to use the Absolute Write forum to find a husband has come to fruition. Next stop, total world domination. Mwaa-haaa-haaa!

dblteam
04-22-2005, 07:38 PM
For anyone who's interested, here's a link to both the regular and the MST3K version of "Eye of Argon". The MST3K version is probably the funniest thing I've ever read. I laughed until I couldn't breathe.

Valerie

http://www.cowlark.com/parodies.html

(Sorry, I don't know how to make a clickable link out of it.)

zizban
04-22-2005, 08:23 PM
At last! My plan to use the Absolute Write forum to find a husband has come to fruition. Next stop, total world domination. Mwaa-haaa-haaa!

My goal of finding a wife on AW is now complete. Now I, I mean, WE, can work on crushing those who oppose us. :Trophy:

zizban
04-22-2005, 08:29 PM
The MST3K version is very funny. made me laugh until I was in tears.

Zolah
04-22-2005, 09:31 PM
My goal of finding a wife on AW is now complete. Now I, I mean, WE, can work on crushing those who oppose us. :Trophy:
Hmmm.

Memo to self: Think of a way to eliminate threat of new husband, who displays disturbing tendency to seize control of meglomaniac schemes. Flying monkeys? Not scary enough. Giant genetically modified Spider? Too scary. Ask Igor.

Also pick up dry cleaning.

Andrew Jameson
04-22-2005, 09:42 PM
Hmmm.

Memo to self: Think of a way to eliminate threat of new husband, who displays disturbing tendency to seize control of meglomaniac schemes. Flying monkeys? Not scary enough. Giant genetically modified Spider? Too scary. Ask Igor.
Wow, did I dodge a bullet.

A flashing, gleaming bullit, speedily emitted in a burping cloud of smoke from the extenuous barrel of a besilvered carbine, held in the meaty, throbing hand of no other than that gasping, thewed barbarian, Grignr the Ecordian.

Or something like that.

whitehound
04-23-2005, 03:05 AM
I'm still trying to work out how somebody, not being an elephant, elephant shrew or tapir, can have a lithe nose...?

zizban
04-23-2005, 03:20 AM
I'm still trying to work out how somebody, not being an elephant, elephant shrew or tapir, can have a lithe nose...?

Stop trying to figure it out. You're brain will explode.

whitehound
04-24-2005, 02:20 AM
Actually I sort of know what he probably meant - that her nose was an elegant shape - though I don't see why it was "opaque" as well as lithe, or what else it could be. Most of the time one can at least hazard a guess at what was intended, and "the shadowed land beyond the the aperature of the grave" is (despite the misspelling and duplication) actually rather a good image, as is "the bleeding horizon."

But what on earth or off it is "an expugnisively carved likeness"? That one has me stumped, I must confess.

Btw, apparently "scarlet emerald" isn't neccessarily an oxymoron - there really is a stone (a type of beryl) which is called that.