A question for the ladies out there.

Hmmm, good question, and I applaud you for reaching out.

I'm seventeen, and my answers probably reflect that, but if I were just getting to know someone and I were interested in him, I'd probably giggle, touch his arm when I was talking, tease him a little bit, try to get him to talk about his family.

Have you read this: http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/ ?

One easy way to compensate for this problem (as I posted in another thread recently) is to just try physical intimacy and see what happens. This has worked well for me, but I have some advantages: physical attractiveness and a very thick skin.

As far as body language in the context of flirtation goes, I'm hopeless and can't help you. But I do have some advice for certain other signs you can watch for.

If she's making an effort to be alone with you in private, this is a pretty good hint that's difficult to mistake for anything else--either that or she considers you a close friend, and you can probably tell the difference. Most people tend to avoid being alone with people they distrust or dislike. But she might, for example, invite you to her place. Looks innocent enough on the surface, but often enough it isn't.

Another sign is when you meet her at one place and she wants to go with you somewhere else. For example, you're at a loud bar and she wants to go get some food or maybe late-night coffee elsewhere. She wouldn't want to extend her social interaction with you unless she were enjoying it.

How do you figure out if a woman is interested, or how she feels about you? Well, you can't. If someone out there can, this guy would like to know how. So don't feel bad about it.

See how she reacts to a compliment about her appearance. Good luck!

Just ask her, "Hey, Babe, wanna come back to my place?"

If she frowns, laugh and act like you were kidding.

If she smiles, lead the way.

(Can you tell I haven't been single in over a quarter century?)

I know this is probably the most difficult approach, especially for someone with high-function autism (heck, for everyone!), but one of the things that helps is to be honest about not always getting subtle clues. Something along the lines of "I'm not always good at reading non-verbal communication, so I might seem a bit clueless sometimes. It's best to tell me things straight out, so I can be a better friend." It gives her the opportunity to tell you that she wants more - or just wants to hang out. It also helps her understand that you aren't ignoring what she may think are really obvious signs.

Yeah, I'm gearing up to help my son through this and have spent a fair amount of time talking to folks on the spectrum. I wish you the best of luck.

The NUMBER ONE way to see if a woman is interested in you is to ASK HER OUT.

It's hard to get yourself to a place where the rejection doesn't bother you, but some things you just have to FORCE yourself to do.

the biggest way to improve on something you are bad at, is to continually and repeatedly do it over and over again with no regard for failure.

I've suspsected my son of having Asperger's, so I've read a bit about it and I understand you are working against harder obstacles than most, but then again that means your "victory" is going to be that much sweeter.

Always carry with you a superior attitude and mindset (not a "I'm more superior than you" attitude, but rather a set of internal beliefs that keep you in a positive state of mind, but are also TRUE).

Good post James.

The only thing that I can offer here is eye-contact. Strong eye-contact or quick glances where your eyes lock and hold for a second or two before one of you looks away.

I agree with James post's and a few other listed above. You have to take the plunge (no joke intended here) and let---come-what-may. Rejection is a part of everyone's life no matter what you look like or whatever your situation may be...you are just going to have to risk it and try.

I read somewhere that its ok if you are not liked by all...that the person you may wish to like you may prefer, say mustard over ketchup, you may be the ketchup in certain instances. It Doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, you just don't fit a particular persons taste but don't give up or get too discouraged because there are lots of people who like ketchup. K?
Best wishes for your success.

I don't know about efreysson, but many people with autistic spectrum disorders find it incredibly uncomfortable to make eye-contact for even a short period of time. Looking someone in the eyes for more than a brief moment is impossible for my son, and that is unlikely to change. When he was old enough to talk about it, he simply said "it hurts too much." More recently, he explained that the intensity of prolonged eye contact is too much for his brain to process. Apparently there's a lot more going on in people's eyes than we think about.

Tink said:

You have to take the plunge (no joke intended here) and let---come-what-may.

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This has left me with a funny feeling

Melenka said:

Apparently there's a lot more going on in people's eyes than we think about.

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But but but... http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106453!

Melenka said:

I don't know about efreysson, but many people with autistic spectrum disorders find it incredibly uncomfortable to make eye-contact for even a short period of time. Looking someone in the eyes for more than a brief moment is impossible for my son, and that is unlikely to change. When he was old enough to talk about it, he simply said "it hurts too much." More recently, he explained that the intensity of prolonged eye contact is too much for his brain to process. Apparently there's a lot more going on in people's eyes than we think about.

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What she said.

For efreysson, I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of advice beyond what has already been given.

Biggest thing is to remember that without risk, there is no reward.

Does she touch you a lot? If so, that's probably a sign she's interested.

Does she talk about other guys around you? Because if so, that's a sign she's not interested. Most girls know when you're attracted to them, and if they're not interested they'll make it clear by doing things like that--talking about other guys, telling you what a good friend you are (with the emphasis on the word "friend"), talking about how they don't want a relationship right now...that sort of thing. At least that's what I always did.

(By "talking about other guys" I mean saying things like, "So-and-so is really funny/good-looking/attractive/cute/whatever", not telling you about exes or anything like that.)


Also, when I liked a guy I'd do stuff like show him my baby pictures or tell him funny stories about my childhood/younger years, and ask him about his. That may have been specific to me, but generally if she wants to know that kind of thing, she's interested. At least in my opinion.

DecemberQuinn said:

Does she talk about other guys around you? Because if so, that's a sign she's not interested. Most girls know when you're attracted to them, and if they're not interested they'll make it clear by doing things like that--talking about other guys, telling you what a good friend you are (with the emphasis on the word "friend"), talking about how they don't want a relationship right now...that sort of thing. At least that's what I always did.

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The trouble with THAT approach is, it does nothing but prolong a guy's attempts at revealing how he feels about her or asking her out...or rather, at least a guy who is really shy about doing this sort of thing.

The reason it prolongs it is because the guy usually doesn't pick up on that as a sign of disinterest. In reality, what it does is make him question even HARDER whether the girl likes him. It's mixed signals, because the guy is already clouded by his "feelings" for her that hints like that are not going to transmit a clear enough message to turn him away, but it WILL do enough to make him hold off longer on his approach.

If that makes any sense.

Personally, I think it's better if a girl just doesn't give off any hints that she doesn't like a guy. Instead of prolonging his asking her, just let him approach you and tell him you're not interested. Like a band-aid...rip it off quick and painful in one stroke, deal with the pain, and move on.

How a guy like this reacts to each of your "hints":

1. Telling him about how great this other guy is -- jealousy, and perhaps even a thought that you might be doing it on purpose to MAKE him jealous. You ARE doing it on purpose, of course, and he senses that, he just doesn't understand WHY you are doing it on purpose and in his mind he thinks "she's trying to make me jealous".

2. Telling him how great a friend he is -- ego...he feels good about himself as if he's doing something RIGHT. This doesn't deter him in any way.

3. How they don't want a relationship right now -- indifference, EVERYBODY says that so much that it's dilluted and not something that he believes.

James makes some good points. I find that many men (not all) do have a great sense of self. The conclusion they draw from a woman's attention is "She must like me!" Any of the signs that seem obvious to a woman as a suggestion to "Um no I don't" get interpreted by the man to signal that she is totally into him.

I don't think this is a bad thing (though of course when it inflates to a huge ego, then it is), I just wish more women had such thoughts. Sweeping generalisation here, but it has seemed to me that women are the opposite. They assume the man isn't interested, no matter what he is saying. Even if he is on one knee and asking her hand in marriage. My mom had been dating my dad for years and he said to her one day, "We need to talk about something" and she burst into tears thinking he was going to dump her. Instead, he proposed.

Now of course there are men who are incredibly down on themselves and can't think why anyone would like them, and women who think so highly of themselves that they are shocked to learn they aren't always hot stuff. But still, it's a trend I have noticed.

Toothpaste said:

women who think so highly of themselves that they are shocked to learn they aren't always hot stuff.

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It is SOOOO much fun bringing these women down to earth.

strike up conversation. Find out commonalities, then ask. If you're shot down, don't ask again. Ihate guys like that.

Like your obnoxious personality is REALLY winning me over.

She_wulf said:

strike up conversation. Find out commonalities, then ask. If you're shot down, don't ask again. Ihate guys like that.

Like your obnoxious personality is REALLY winning me over.

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lol

A lot of girls DO require persistance, though.

Heck, sometimes it's all a matter of blind luck on what emotional state a woman is in on the particular day you ask her. Sometimes a sure thing becomes a fat NO, just simply because she's in a different emotional state that day. Sometimes a big NO is actually a sure thing on another day.

efreysson said:

So, a recent encounter has left me wondering yet again: Just how do women go about expressing a faint interest in someone they don't know?

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We will smile at you. Make eye contact. Have open body language, leaning forward while speaking to you from across the table instead of sitting back or folding the arms across the chest.

Laugh at your jokes.

efreysson said:

So, a recent encounter has left me wondering yet again: Just how do women go about expressing a faint interest in someone they don't know?

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I think conversation is the best way to go about it. This way there is no "beating around the bush" and you get to know this person. And it can be about anything. I find if you ask about ones profession it can tell you how serious they are about where they are in life, how smart the person is, and you can always take that conversation into the "so, you must be busy, how do you find time for yourself/what do you do in your spare time" which then can lead you to hobbies, and possibly a "oh, I've always wanted to do that...".... get my drift?

Glad to help.

jennifer75 said:

I think conversation is the best way to go about it. This way there is no "beating around the bush" and you get to know this person. And it can be about anything. I find if you ask about ones profession it can tell you how serious they are about where they are in life, how smart the person is, and you can always take that conversation into the "so, you must be busy, how do you find time for yourself/what do you do in your spare time" which then can lead you to hobbies, and possibly a "oh, I've always wanted to do that...".... get my drift?

Glad to help.

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Anybody else wonder why we have to jump through hoops like this?

Wouldn't it be great if you could just walk up to a girl and say: "Hey, I think you are attractive. I would like to engage you in a relationship which leads to our having sex at some point."

James81 said:

Wouldn't it be great if you could just walk up to a girl and say: "Hey, I think you are attractive. I would like to engage you in a relationship which leads to our having sex at some point."

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You could do that. But you might get arrested.

rhymegirl said:

You could do that. But you might get arrested.

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*sigh*

Only in a perfect world...