Post 'em if you got 'em: Favorite rejections

. . . I fear I am going to be sorry for not taking this on. Your story and your style have the hallmarks of a best seller, but I wouldn't have any idea how to market this or who to pitch it to.

“God will do No. 2 on your tennis shoes.” - P.J. O'Rourke, National Lampoon

My first rejection. I was a kid. It was the early seventies.

several years ago, i was rejected by MAD magazine. the form rejection began something to the effect of:

"obviously, since no check fell out of the envelope, we have decided not to use your work."

William Haskins said:

several years ago, i was rejected by MAD magazine. the form rejection began something to the effect of:

"obviously, since no check fell out of the envelope, we have decided not to use your work."

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i got one of those too. sadly funny . . . well funny now, certainly not then.

William Haskins said:

several years ago, i was rejected by MAD magazine. the form rejection began something to the effect of:

"obviously, since no check fell out of the envelope, we have decided not to use your work."

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i got one of those too. mine was from some crappy magazine, and i thought that they sent such an abrasive rejection letter because they were small and unpopular. nice to know that larger mags do it to. sadly funny . . . well funny now, certainly not then.

(After holding my ms for months, and after knowing specifically what my ms was about -- which is to say it's not King-ish or Grisham-ish...)

"While it's well written, I'm sorry to say I don't represent male version of chick lit. Most editors are looking for the next Stephen King or John Grisham..."

I can't remember it to quote it exactly, but it went something like this:

"While our listing in the Poet's Market led to thousands of submissions, it led to only one order for the book listed in the guide. This total lack of support has DOOMED our efforts to publish poetry. I ask you, IF POET'S DON'T READ POETRY, WHO WILL???!!??"

The caps were definitely in the rejection, and most of the words are there...but there was more, and I recall DOOMED appearing twice, though I forget the details of the second instance.

Believe it or not I got one back from a magazine that read a little like this...

It's not you. I swear. Perhaps someone just sh*t in my cornflakes this morning, causing my mood to be unopen to your submission.

It was close to that anyway. I kept it, just can't find it. I think it was from ZYGOTE.

This is my favorite because it was so nice:

Ok - I’ve been holding onto your manuscript for so long, I apologize. [she only had it for 12 weeks, which is like, nothing!)
Unfortunately, I’m going to have to pass - even though I know this is a really interesting project that will probably do really well.

I’ve been sitting on it hoping for a spot on my client list to open up, but it just looks like it is going to take a lot longer than I expected and didn’t want to hold you up longer than the few odd years that I’ve already done so.

I hope that if you consider querying me in the future, but I expect that another agent will snap you up before then.

Thank you for considering me for representation - I wish you the best of luck with [book]

KTC said:

Believe it or not I got one back from a magazine that read a little like this...

It's not you. I swear. Perhaps someone just sh*t in my cornflakes this morning, causing my mood to be unopen to your submission.

It was close to that anyway. I kept it, just can't find it. I think it was from ZYGOTE.

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KTC,

you gotta admit that that one is oddly funny.

A.

I got a specific request from a regional California publisher who did stories on the more popular valleys of California to submit my paleontological valley discovery to his publishing house, with the condition that it would be eagarly read by the president. I knew that my manuscript was idealy targeted hear and sent it off.

The rejection came back with the notation that this regional publisher didn't think the manuscript was not national enough. I kid you not. I thought that a 33 million populace in California would be an adequate audience for such a small regional publisher.

Triceratops

From a small press:

Everyone who reviewed your novel believes it has the potential to become a major seller, but as a small press, we do not have the resources to market it properly.

Translation:

We don't want to be the ones to tell you this is crap that will never see the inside of a typesetting room so send it out to a few biggies and let them do our dirty work.

Final result:

Another small press is in the process of editing the same manuscript for a possible Christmas 2005 release.

my manuscript for COCKTAILS! Ten years as a Vegas Cocktail Server

Dear Pamela,



We here in Utah don't believe in cocktails OR in drinking, and we don't believe that people who serve them are following the road to God!



I actually had someone tell me that once. I told her to lighten up and go have a drink.



Hey, it sounds like something that has possibilities. So, I'd like you to go to our Submission Synopsis page, fill out the form there, and if you can sell me on that, I'll ask for more. Here's the URL:


And, so I sent her what she wanted and heard NOTHING> ever again from her.

Hhahahahaha. "We here in Utah..." hahahahahaha. Every alcoholic I know lives in Utah. Don't let anybody tell you that A)it's hard to find booze in Utah or B) Utahns don't drink. It's a hairy lie.

This is my new favorite. A gushing form rejection I received this morning.

Thank you so much for sending us your good story, "The Weasel," which we found both interesting and well written. The story didn’t work for us this time—an entirely subjective decision, always remember—but we liked a lot about it and wish you well on finding it a home. Another editor may well snap up this story, which we sincerely wish for you. We thank you too for your interest in StoryQuarterly, which validates the commitment, even passion, we have for good fiction and promoting it. We hope you’ll continue to think of us for your fine work and wish you the best of luck—in writing, in loving and in living.

About 15 years ago, when I was in my teens and just beginning to submit, Marion Zimmer Bradley threatened to nominate a short story submission of mine for the Bulwer-Lytton award. Then she red-penned the first two pages. It was the best rejection I ever got, actually, but I was crushed. I never did win that award.

Just remember, if you take a vacation to Utah, bring your own beer or liquor. I had a pretty lousy ski vacation in Utah, cause the resort sold beer until 8 pm.......at about $6 a bottle.....then closed down for the night. Nothing much worse than sitting in a condo in the middle of Utah, miles and miles of icy roads from town........and it's 8:15 pm, no TV even (and I hate tv - don't watch it at home). Didn't bring a good book ......already did the lovin thing with the man.........and there's nothing to do until the next morning when the slopes open.

My first short story submission was rejected with:

"This would be better suited as a poem." - And it was red inked all over the place, reworking it into a poem. I was quite astonished, and still don't know what to think.
I don't think I've written a poem since elementary school.

I remember I got one of my SASEs once back, and it was extra thick, so I was really excited.

I opened it up and pulled out the papers, and the cover letter said:

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are in the majority! You've been rejected just like most people who submit to us!

The other papers were leaflets on their current publications.

XThe NavigatorX said:

I remember I got one of my SASEs once back, and it was extra thick, so I was really excited.

I opened it up and pulled out the papers, and the cover letter said:

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are in the majority! You've been rejected just like most people who submit to us!

The other papers were leaflets on their current publications.

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Ouch! That really hurts. What, they have some twisted, sick sense of humor? Are they still in business?

I suspect some enraged writer has popped round, shot them all and burned down the building by this time.

arrowqueen said:

I suspect some enraged writer has popped round, shot them all and burned down the building by this time.

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That's right. Show, don't tell.