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melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 07:30 PM
Hi there. My MC is getting ready to go to sleep on a mat, but first he needs to unroll it. You know how you grab one end, then flick it out in one motion? I'm stuck on how to describe that. Right now I have this:


Crouching closer to the floor, he unrolled the cushion in one flick.

Would "shake" be better? Or "one swift movement"?

I appreciate your help.

WendyNYC
07-15-2008, 07:37 PM
"Unfurl" is what I would use.

melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 07:45 PM
Ooh, that's a good word.

jannawrites
07-15-2008, 07:54 PM
Ack! That's tough, Melanie. I can't come up with anything. I'll stew on it, though.

ETA: Can you give us the couple surrounding sentences?

Sargentodiaz
07-15-2008, 08:02 PM
Crouching closer to the floor, he unrolled the cushion in one flick.

I always have a problem with this type of sentence structure. I would make it:

He crouched closer to the floor and ???? the cushion in one flick.
How about - flicked open the cushion?

WendyNYC
07-15-2008, 08:07 PM
I don't know, "flick" is kind of a sissy word. Doesn't go with "crouch" IMO. How about:

He crouched to the floor and whipped open the rolled cushion.

jannawrites
07-15-2008, 08:10 PM
Yes! Whipped open! Maybe with a quick snap of his hands or something.

melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 08:20 PM
Those are all great. lvcabbie, I hear you on the structure so per Janna's request, here's a bit more. He's in a dark storage closet.


Mateo picked [the cushion] up and shuffled around the small room to find a space to lie down. Andy said there was room, he just had to figure out where. He crouched closer to the floor and whipped the cushion open. He crawled across it, ready to pass out, then instantly recoiled. Andy had this mat for a reason.

Mela
07-15-2008, 08:21 PM
unwound?

jannawrites
07-15-2008, 08:23 PM
He crouched closer to the floor and whipped the cushion open.

I really like this.

melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 08:30 PM
I really like this.

Props to Wendy!

That works for me. Thanks for your help everyone.

WendyNYC
07-15-2008, 08:38 PM
Props to Wendy!

That works for me. Thanks for your help everyone.

Woo hoo! I'll be checking my mail for my cut of your profits.

melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 08:43 PM
Woo hoo! I'll be checking my mail for my cut of your profits.

LOL, of course!

jannawrites
07-15-2008, 09:01 PM
Boy, that Wendy's a character. So unassuming and then BOOM! she's talking about porn and demanding money. (In two, unrelated instances, of course.) :D

melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 09:11 PM
LOL, for a minute I thought I had an unintentional pron reference in my excerpt.

WendyNYC
07-15-2008, 09:23 PM
BOOM! she's talking about porn and demanding money. (In two, unrelated instances, of course.) :D

Yes, yes, let's make that clear! Unrelated!

Shadow_Ferret
07-15-2008, 09:37 PM
Crouching closer to the floor, he unrolled the cushion in one flick.
Actually I see nothing wrong with this at all.

And to me, whipped sounds like an angry motion.

My own personal preference would be to change it to:

He crouched down and with a flick of his wrist, unrolled the cushion.

melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 09:42 PM
Actually I see nothing wrong with this at all.

And to me, whipped sounds like an angry motion.

My own personal preference would be to change it to:

He crouched down and with a flick of his wrist, unrolled the cushion.

I like that, too, and it's what I was going for with the original phrase, but I worry "flick of the wrist" is too cliched.

Opinions?

quickWit
07-15-2008, 09:42 PM
Why not just say 'Crouching to the floor, he unrolled the cushion' or 'He crouched to the floor and unrolled the cushion'

Either of those seem fine to me without getting into whether it was flicked, flipped, whipped or unfurled.

Just a thought. :)

melaniehoo
07-15-2008, 09:44 PM
He can't see (dark closet) so I was trying to give a visual. But you have a good point.

Stew21
07-15-2008, 09:47 PM
I like "unfurled". :)