Trying to understand why horrible things happen...

KikiteNeko

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I just found out that my pregnant neighbor lost her baby. She was eight and a half months along, but there was some complication; they did an emergency c-section but the baby didn't make it.

I hardly know her, but I feel absolutely awful for her. She has two boys and this was going to be her little girl. They had the nursery all set up, which is going to be hell to come home to. They made all these preparations--her mother even moved out so there would be more room.

They're good people. I mean they're always gossiping about other neighbors so I try to keep to myself, so I don't know her at all really. But nobody deserves this. The woman's mother came over to talk to us, and she said when she lost the baby she sat in the emergency room and held it for four hours.

I just needed to get it out somehow. I know horrible things happen every day, but I really just don't understand. I don't understand why we're thrown into this existence and expected to make sense of things that seem to have no purpose at all. What's the point of going through over eight months of a healthy pregnancy just to lose a baby? What's the point in a life being created that isn't even allowed to be born?
 

Ol' Fashioned Girl

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I have absoluely no answers to give you... and it's likely no consolation at all that we've all felt the way you're feeling now, or will before our own life is done. Just wanted to give you a hug. :Hug2:
 

Siddow

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My heart breaks for the family. What a terrible loss.

But I have answers (at least, ones that work for me), some thoughts for you to ponder. I think things happen for a reason, and even if they seem utterly tragic at the time, there's a reason that transcends the tragedy. For your neighbor mom, maybe there was some risk lined up for her, one she might have taken if not pregnant at the time, which would have left her two sons motherless if she'd taken it. Ya know? It could be anything; I just kind of hang on and believe that everything will make sense at some point.
 

BlackViolet13

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That's awful, and you're right--it does seem senseless. My heart breaks right along with you, and I don't even know her. I'll be sure to say an extra prayer for her tonight. My thoughts are with you, too.
 

SPMiller

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I just needed to get it out somehow. I know horrible things happen every day, but I really just don't understand. I don't understand why we're thrown into this existence and expected to make sense of things that seem to have no purpose at all. What's the point of going through over eight months of a healthy pregnancy just to lose a baby? What's the point in a life being created that isn't even allowed to be born?
Well, the good news is that you're very close to figuring out the Secret of Life: there is no objective point or reason behind our existence. The universe doesn't care. It's completely impassive. Wonderful things happen, awful things happen, and most things that happen are neither wonderful nor awful.

This idea is usually summed up with the saying, "Life isn't fair."

And that's why fiction is so popular. Most fictional stories are infused with a sense of Cosmic Justice, which doesn't exist in the Real World.
 

Jersey Chick

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Wow - that's heartbreaking. I cannot imagine what that mother is going through (or the rest of the family, either)

There is almost nothing I can imagine to be more painful than losing a child, especially this way. It makes no sense and there's no one who can explain it all, or someone you can hit and scream at and blame for it and no one who can make it all better, either.

Basically, life sucks sometimes. It. Just. Sucks.
 

Appalachian Writer

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Many years ago I was an FM Radio Personality, a big fish in a very small market. My sign off? Remember, children, bad things do happen to good people. I agree with Siddow. Read those comments carefully. And I disagree with SPMillier. I don't believe existence is pointless. I am a woman of faith, so each time I hear stories like this, I believe it's part of the plan. Even my 10-yr-old's death was a part of the plan, and the baby I miscarried had a purpose, one that extended beyond being born. As mere mortals, we'll never understand. Understanding floats beside us when we cross the chasm between this life and the next. If life's the great test to determine the quality of a soul, it shouldn't be easy. Your neighbors' are being tested. There's no greater trial than the loss of a child. I've been writing on the western SYW forum lately, so I'll put it in western terminology. It isn't the cards you're dealt in life. It's how you play your hand.
 

TerzaRima

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I don't understand why we're thrown into this existence and expected to make sense of things that seem to have no purpose at all.

You're not alone here. Theologians and philosophers love this question. I don't know if it helps to consider this, though: We can't explain the bad things, but how can we explain the good--the compassion and help that your neighbor's family and friends will (presumably) bring to this situation?

That's what I try to remember, and that I do have the power to help those around me who are hurt. (cue "The More You Know" music.)

Otherwise, it's easy to despair and think that nothing matters. Try to take a break from thinking about it, Tom.
 

Susie

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So sorry, tomo. Prayers are out for the mother and her family and for you and the others. :e2grouphu.
 

JeanneTGC

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Nothing to add other than to say, "What Appy and Susie said."

Oh, and one other suggestion. Write about it. It will help you and, who knows, it may help the neighbors, or someone you'll never meet who will read it.
 

Marian Perera

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What's the point of going through over eight months of a healthy pregnancy just to lose a baby? What's the point in a life being created that isn't even allowed to be born?

"Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
and waste its sweetness on the desert air."

I can't remember who wrote that and I'm too tired to look it up, but it sums up my thoughts on the matter. Each person finds their own answer to the question you asked, the answer that makes the most sense to them or gives them the most comfort. Personally, I don't believe that there is any kind of great purpose behind it all and I'm OK with that. I've experienced a death in the family too, a horrible experience that no one deserved to have. But then again, there's no law of the universe which says we should always get what we deserve.

Some things in life don't make sense. Some things in life hurt so badly you want to die. All we can do is hang on, take it day by day and wait for the good moments to outnumber the bad ones again (in spite of all I said, I'm an optimist at heart).
 

Mandy-Jane

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I definitely agree with Siddow that everything, however tragic and hard it may be to understand at the time, happens for a reason. I feel awful for that lady and her family. I feel awful almost every day when I hear of something tragic and heartbreaking that happens somewhere in the world. And it does. It's just everywhere.
 

HeronW

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Hey Tomo, yes, a lot of unexplainable crap happens and even if we get an explanation--it doesn't stop the hurting.

46 chromosomes, millions of gene combinations and thousands of ways that cause diabetes that killed my sister at age 39, that made a friend lose 4 children before birth because of something just gone wrong, that gave my partner a 1 in 3 million chronic degenerative condition--that makes her 1 of 2 people in this country.

What gives a purpose is how we act toward those who are suffering, how compassionate and forgiving we can be with flaws in others and especially in ourselves.
 
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Hathor

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The other day I ran across this quote from one of my favorite shows of all time, Babylon 5:

"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."
Marcus Cole, Ranger to Franklin, A Late Delivery from Avalon
 

Tink

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Tomo, I am so sorry for the family and for your confusion and pain as well. I do not have an answer as I have asked the same questions as well. I have loved and lost some folks that were very dear to me and we each have to reach our own conclusions...it isn't easy. My younger brother and I shared a prayer in letters for years and when my brother was murdered in 2003 that prayer was my saving grace! It is as follows--

God, grant me the Serinity to accept the things that I cannot change...

The Courage to change the things that I can...

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.


I do not know how or who you believe in or if the Serenity Prayer will help you but I hope that it does...
 
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Seaclusion

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Tomo,

You are a good neighbor to care so deeply about the tragic loss this family is going through. Bad things happen and we cannot change that, but good things like your caring for this family will come of it. Life dishes out obstacles and the human spirit overcomes thems.

Richard
 

oswann

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What bollocks. No one's heart is reaching out, nor breaking, nor even bending probably for someone's neighbor that even they don't know very well. Five minutes of internet grief and let's move on. Okay it's tragic and as has been said bad stuff happens but there is just this internal limit to the amount of these honey dipped expressions of pain I can take.

You are all fine, normally constituted people and well, bravo, but it's just so sappy. You probably all have closer links to children who are living on concrete floors who stitch the soles on your shoes than to this poster's poor neighbor.

Anyway, whatever. Happy crying together.

Os.
 

Seaclusion

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We are grumpy this morning, aren't we?

Richard
 

KikiteNeko

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What bollocks. No one's heart is reaching out, nor breaking, nor even bending probably for someone's neighbor that even they don't know very well. Five minutes of internet grief and let's move on. Okay it's tragic and as has been said bad stuff happens but there is just this internal limit to the amount of these honey dipped expressions of pain I can take.

You are all fine, normally constituted people and well, bravo, but it's just so sappy. You probably all have closer links to children who are living on concrete floors who stitch the soles on your shoes than to this poster's poor neighbor.

Anyway, whatever. Happy crying together.

Os.


Wow. I don't think I've ever been so happy to disagree with something as much as I do with what you just said.
 

Hobbes

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What bollocks. No one's heart is reaching out, nor breaking, nor even bending probably for someone's neighbor that even they don't know very well. Five minutes of internet grief and let's move on. Okay it's tragic and as has been said bad stuff happens but there is just this internal limit to the amount of these honey dipped expressions of pain I can take.

You are all fine, normally constituted people and well, bravo, but it's just so sappy. You probably all have closer links to children who are living on concrete floors who stitch the soles on your shoes than to this poster's poor neighbor.

Anyway, whatever. Happy crying together.

Os.

Wow. Good thing you're wearing that mask.
 

Komnena

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Sometimes "crying together" is the only thing we can do.
 

JeanneTGC

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What bollocks. No one's heart is reaching out, nor breaking, nor even bending probably for someone's neighbor that even they don't know very well. Five minutes of internet grief and let's move on. Okay it's tragic and as has been said bad stuff happens but there is just this internal limit to the amount of these honey dipped expressions of pain I can take.

You are all fine, normally constituted people and well, bravo, but it's just so sappy. You probably all have closer links to children who are living on concrete floors who stitch the soles on your shoes than to this poster's poor neighbor.

Anyway, whatever. Happy crying together.

Os.
Is there a reason you felt compelled to bring this ray of nastiness into the thread? If you don't like what's being posted, if you "can't take it", stop reading. The thread wasn't started with your name on it, and your viewpoint of others' ability to feel shared pain and sorrow speaks far more volumes about you than it does anyone else.