The BIG Talk, and its Aftermath

I would certainly be tough on him. He's taking you, your husband and your home completely for granted. I don't think I'd even allow my own child to behave like that, much less my step-child. (Mind you, my kids are only 4 and 7, but still.......)

I think you need to lay down the law. It's your home, your life. It sounds like you are a patient person, so I'm sure you'll handle it calmly, which I think would be more effective than getting angry at him.

Good luck.

Boot him. I was out at 17 and had practically no support network and I'm still kicking so it can be done.

If he is 'buying a townhouse' why does he need to live you at all? Sounds like finances aren't the issue at all. Why is the (26yr old) kid there? Okay I re-read the opening of the post. He wanted to save money. Tell him he can save money and pay his own rent like other people have to do.

To be honest, if he's 26 and still wants to live at home and party all the time...he's been there for a year you said...then you have a problem on your hands. This kid might not be able to take care of himself. You should still boot him so he can learn about it, though.

Wow - this is a tough one. Sure, your step son needs go get his act together, but from my experience this could go very wrong since you're the step parent. You're perfectly lined up to be the bad guy.

Hubby and I had one of the biggest fights ever over my older son. He had his head up his butt, promised to go to college and pay a ridiculously small amount for rent. We asked for $45 a month - just a token to let us know he could be responsible. When he moved back here from his dad's house, I let him come before it was time. Mr. Vagabond and I had an agreement that he would not come back until he already had a job (he could have transferred from where he was) and was at least in the registration phase for school. Son had a fight with dad, begged me to come back early and I caved. That was horrible and led to a nightmare of a two-week period of fighting between hubby and me.

So son went to school and was doing great until I noticed that more and more he was still in bed when I left for work. He had to be in class within 30 minutes and we lived 35 minutes from school. I may not be brilliant, but even I can do that math. Eventually, he was strongly encouraged by the school to drop all his classes.

Now, this kid is awesome. Great personality, huge heart, very loving and compassionate, just a great son. Both my kids are. But he was a slacker in a major way. He hadn't grown up, but the scary part was that he thought he had. So trying to get him to grow up was doubly hard because we first had to show him that he wasn't even trying. What finally happened is that he missed his brother, who incidentally is in college and just completed his first year with straight As, so he moved back again.

His dad is so pathetically ill-equipped to be a parent (not financially, but ill-equipped in every other imaginable way) that he wouldn't even let him stay at his house while looking for an apartment. He did get everything figured out, but he really did it the hard way. He slept on the couch of friends for about a month while trying to save the money to get his apartment and then his dad wouldn't even help him move his stuff in. No one did, he did it by himself. Everything that could possibly have gone wrong for this kid did go wrong, but guess what. He's doing GREAT!

Since he got his own apartment ( I did have to sign, but only because he was under 21 - and his new lease in August will be all on his own) he is figuring out how to be a grown up. He has kept the same job (miracle), paid all his bills on time, and is slowly figuring it out. He's had times when he was out of food (heartbreaker for mom) and out of money, and I do send him care packages with non perishables and $50 once in a while when he lets me know he is broke, but he's figuring it out.

The thing is that for some kids I don't think they can figure it out while living at home with the parents. They stay in a holding pattern of play-time with no responsibility. They think that since they pay their car insurance and have a job, that they are being productive. They think they have it all figured out and that some day living on their own will be easy as pie. Then one day they ARE out there and realize that it's no picnic. I've had to deal with the fact that he isn't ready for school. Since he isn't, he has to provide for himself. He'll be 21 next month and is finally starting to understand what living in the real world is all about.

I know this was more "sharing" than advice, so here is the only advice I can offer: Get him en-route to move out. It might be one of the most difficult times you and your hubby ever go through, and your wits and self-image will probably be tested. These charming kids of ours really know how to work you over with guilt, especially about "kicking them out". Although my son did decide on his own to move out, we were already in the process of making it happen. We had a plan that he was unaware of and it included a deadline for being out in his own apartment. He moved before we had to present him with the plan.

Good luck to you. I know this is going to be a nervy time.


EDITED: He's 26? Good grief! When I was 26, I was married and had two kids in elementary school. He needs to be on his own. Seriously. Watch the movie, "Failure to launch" because I think he has failed to launch and he'll probably allow you to shelter him for as long as you will. Geez-o-mighty!

I'd make a list starting with a list of the cost of running the house - laundry $xx-xx per week per person, food $yyy-yy etc and divide it by three and hand it over as a bill. He's in a collection area. Ask him to collect that one!

Mumut said:

I'd make a list starting with a list of the cost of running the house - laundry $xx-xx per week per person, food $yyy-yy etc and divide it by three and hand it over as a bill. He's in a collection area. Ask him to collect that one!

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That is a fantastic idea.

My head is still spinning. No one let hubby and me live with them while trying to get into this house. We paid rent AND mortgage payments for almost a year while working on it so that we could move in!

*faints*

You're perfectly lined up to be the bad guy.

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I agree with this.

Yes the kid needs to go, and grow up in a way he can't living with a parent. But it should be his Dad who gives him the BIG talk. Otherwise kid is going to blame it all on you. If he cops a strop, it'll be at you, and maybe drive a wedge between you and hubby.

Support your husband, be there to back him up and make it clear to SS that yes, you both agree on this, but I'd let Dad do the talking.

IdiotsRUs said:

I agree with this.

Yes the kid needs to go, and grow up in a way he can't living with a parent. But it should be his Dad who gives him the BIG talk.

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Yup, I'm on the same page here.

It needs to be the dad. 26 is way too old to live in such leniency (he's only three years younger than me!).

Part of the reason it needs to be his dad is for the dad also. C'mon, his son is 26, he HAS to share some of the responsibility for raising him to be this way, which isn't all bad, a lot of that credit is good. Plus, his dad loves him, and he needs to be booted out by someone who loves 'em so he doesn't feel like he is unloved and being kicked out of a family. If you care for the father/son relationship at all, then tell your hubby it has to be him. There is not much that stings more as a child than feeling your father picked your stepmom over you, and that's how it'll like come off if you do it.

Just think how much harder it will be, Mela, if you don't take a stand now. Should you let him, you may still be coping with this issue when he's forty-six years old, let alone twenty-six.

I've noticed that people will take advantage of us to the exact point in which we put our foot down and make them stop. It's that simple. It doesn't matter if the person is a step-child or a brother or a mother. And unless we take a proactive and aggressive stance in ending such behavior, who else do we have to blame but ourselves when it continues unabated?

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings. Nor do you want to place his father in an uncompromising position. But you hold the key as a catalyst for change, one who will encourage your step-son to seek his path, even if you have to shove him hard in that direction.

And yeah, maybe you'll be the "bitch" who made it happen. Likewise, I'm the "prick" in my family who gets things done. So what. Sometimes, that's what it takes, and I'd rather be viewed as a prick than the alternate, where adult children walk all over me in lieu of getting their lives in order at my expense.

I would punt him out on his underachieving ass. No talk, no discussion just "You have a week to get out." Encourage him on his way: buy trash bags and find some big boxes.

Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that your SS doesn't NEED to accomplish anything. He's the life of the party because he has no bills and no responsbility and can afford to buy. He won't do a darn thing until he has to do it all for himself.

Twenty six! He should be ashamed of himself.

Silver King said:

J

I've noticed that people will take advantage of us to the exact point in which we put our foot down and make them stop. It's that simple.

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Absolutely. And I also agree with Story - it should be the dad. Well, either the dad or the two of you together. Alone, and dad might be easily swayed. I know I was.

Carole said:

...And I also agree with Story - it should be the dad. Well, either the dad or the two of you together....

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It should be the two of them together, standing as one. But even if it's not, Mela needs to take the bull by the horns. (Don't you love cliches?)

On a personal note, I would've been shamed out of my family had I been living at my parent's home during my mid-twenties. By then, I had my own family of three children, and it never occurred to me, ever, to ask for help from anyone. Even if I were single and childless, I wouldn't have asked for help. By then, I was a man, and I was expected to act like one, regardless of my own shortcomings.

Silver King said:

On a personal note, I would've been shamed out of my family had I been living at my parent's home during my mid-twenties. By then, I had my own family of three children, and it never occurred to me, ever, to ask for help from anyone. Even if I were single and childless, I wouldn't have asked for help. By then, I was a man, and I was expected to act like one, regardless of my own shortcomings.

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Interesting. I lived with my parents until I was about 26. My husband says his mother booted him out of the house as soon as he was done with college at 22.

I think there are some parents who are enablers, coddlers, thinking they are doing something loving by letting an adult child live at home.

And some believe in tough love, believing it is in an adult child's best interest to go out there in the real world.

I moved back in with my parents after I graduated college, but I did pay them a modest rent of $150/month (mostly to help offset bill costs, etc.), worked full time, and bought my own car. I was lucky, but I was responsible for me. The only time I asked my parents for money was after my car wreck, and that I paid back as much as I could.

Your stepson does need more than a few life lessons, in my ever so humble opinion. But I also agree with what others have said, your husband needs to lead this talk, but SS needs to realize that you are both together in this, so he can not play one of you off the other. Good luck.

Silver King said:

It should be the two of them together, standing as one. But even if it's not, Mela needs to take the bull by the horns. (Don't you love cliches?)

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I've often wondered about that. Why would someone deliberately grab a bull by its horns, anyway?

Your biggest problem may or may not be the kid. It is important that hubby knows he's not helping his son by carrying him.

He's got to teach this kid to stand on his own. At this stage, the best way to do it is to give him bills to pay and goals to accomplish.

Get him out there on his own.

Living at home in my family was on a 'need to support' basis. Meaning as long as you're a minor and can't legally move out on your own you live at home...after that you're on your own. My parents weren't mean but family finances were not capable of anything beyond the basics. No college, no staying home until you're in your mid-twenties, no monthly assistance...zip. We love you and hope things work out but get you gone from here...haha.

No offense to anyone but I have always found anything other than this to be creepy.

My cousin lived with her parents until she was 25, but she was busy getting a bunch of big degrees while she stayed with them. As soon as she graduated, she moved out, and last year, she paid off her parents' house as an anniversary gift ... not a bad trade.

However, in your case, the guy is 26 and contributes nothing, other than stress. It's not that getting a tattoo or playing beer pong *shouldn't* be on his priority list, it's just that if he's sponging off of you, they should be a little lower on the list. I'll echo what others here have said, and just say this is something you and the hubby need to address together. Make a game plan beforehand, and stick to it. Give the stepson a deadline, and then follow it. You don't have to be nasty, just say something along the lines of "You've been here for a while, clearly you're an adult who can take care of yourself, and we love you but it's time for you to move on. Let's plan on you being out of here in a month, and that way you'll have plenty of time to find a new place to live. If you like, we'll even help you locate an apartment."

Then when a month has passed, help him pack his things, buy him some groceries, and send him on his way.

It's not your place to have this talk with him.

Mela said:

Oh, and I forgot to mention a very important fact: stepson is 26.

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Are you kidding? 26? That "talk" is long overdue. I thought from your initial post that he was 17. At that age I could have understood his immature behavior, but 26... no, no, no. Father there is enabling his son to do nothing with his life. Good luck.

Im a stepfather of two kids. When my son hit 18 I told him to get a job or find someplace else to live. Period. I gave him a couple of months to do one or the other. When he couldnt find a job he joined the army. Worked for me.

I see everyone saying the blame will fall on the mother or it will fall on the father. Bull, it should fall right on the head and shoulders of this 26 year old leech. He is taking advantage of you and is doing it shamelessly. I say give him a week to go and if he doesnt go put all his crap on the front porch (or whatever equivalent). He will get the message. At 26 years of age, after taking advantage of you for a year I wouldnt pull any punches. He has been coddled way too long and he isnt gonna magically change just because you give him the BIG TALK. Give him some short choices and if he doesnt do the right thing then its still on him. Im with Dino, Id rather be known as the big prick (which I am) than have this man/child taking advantage of me like that. Only my opinion, ymmv.

yer pal Brian