I Hate Myself and Want to Write: Writers and Depression

I can't write when I'm depressed. Fortunately, I don't get depressed often.

It's strange and it's true -- I need to be in a good mood, or at least a content mood, to write.

I know how you feel. Oddly, I know several writers who are prone to bouts of depression. Perhaps we are more vulnerable than many folks who don't struggle with the written word.

Medication isn't always the answer, but long walks seem to help. Perhaps it gives us the added oxygen we need to be creative.

I'm bipolar. In manic states, I tend to view my world as blissful; in depressive states, I write them as dreadful. I decided to separate my world into Photosol ('photo,' is Greek for, 'light'), and Scotosol ('scoto,' is Greek for, 'darkness'). The problem is, I can never write while in mania, and rarely while depressed. I wait until I'm in a normal mood and write whatever I felt prior.

I am bipolar, so I deal with depression and an emotional roller coaster everyday. My writing time varies because of it. It can be a great help to understand people's emotions and to be able to write them better. You have to learn how to cope first. Meditation helps. Quiet time does as well.

Depression makes me either write very much or not at all, yea. Sometimes the fog is just too much and I'm barely functional. Others I can't wait to get the tortured brilliance out of my head. Usually, though, it's just too melodramatic to salvage when I'm done.

Luckily, I haven't been depressed in a while. Doesn't seem to stop the fog, though.

I find that sleeping and moping around really exacerbate depression for me. I have been clinically depressed, but I reject taking pills. The first time I was put on pills, I had a horrific headache and I was totally useless. I stopped taking them immediately and never went back to the doctor. Sorry, I'll take depression any day.

I really think writing out "how you feel" is very enlightening, especially if you go into it and try to find a way to become un-depressed. I know it is a medical state, but I feel it is usually caused by things, and often, once you eliminate those things, it is over, or at least controllable. (There are actually many psychiatrists who believe that depression is caused by external forces, not that it magically appears because of a lack of some brain chemistry). If you talked to me last month, I would have said I was totally depressed, probably very capeable of doing physical harm to self or others. I was very stifled by a terrible job, a horrible health-threatening schedule, hardly any contact with real people, and awful money woes caused by getting in over my head and buying a house that was too much for me. Once I got rid of all those problems, I was magically un-depressed. Not saying it would help in all cases, but sometimes, just figuring out how to change things in your life, move, get a new job really has an impact on depression.

I think I also really thought that being happy meant being sunny and rainbows and my little pony, fun and all sorts of things, when being happy is just not being sad-- kind of okay with things, not happy/not sad is okay, just middling. I really got a handle on this by beginning to read about Buddhism, a few years ago, and learning about "the middle ground." (This was after I was diagnosed with clinical depression). Not saying that anyone should change religions or anything, it is just that a lot of the things that the Buddhists teach are tools, or methods for dealing with unhappiness-- and I feel they actually work. The principle question The Buddha asked when he started was "why is there so much misery in the world?" Buddhism without the religious aspect is how to get yourself "normal," and on an even level. That is how I look at it.

I think a lot of Americans, and maybe "Westerners" in general, think of happiness in terms of an extreme emotion, like what happens at festivals, or when you go to an amusement park, or what you can be given, or get. I always thought I was un-happy when I was not happy, but they are two different things. Another very unusual idea I have had is that happiness is taught, and it is something that a person needs to practice. I think that older people like in the depression or WWII period could deal with unhappiness better, because they were not taught to expect as much from life. It's like that "who said life is fair," type train of thought. The more you know that life is not fair, the more able you are accept that and take advantage of it.

I do know that it is all a manner of seritonen and other brain chemistry, but it is really amazing how you are capable of actually re-wiring your own brain though a matter of "practice." That is how people learn, I guess. Well, you might think I'm loonie, but it works for me!

starrykitten said:

I don't like to journal when I'm depressed because I inevitably fixate on the negatives.

Click to expand...

Wow, that's one of the main reasons I lately stopped intensive online journaling. I'm depressed most of the time, and so that's all I have to journal about, so I gave that up. Now when I journal it's a lot less frequently, a lot shorter, and I don't even bother getting into heavy emotional things because why inflict that on others? Personal journaling never helped me with my negative emotions.

I suffer from chronic depression as a result of my anxiety. I really do think the depression is a side-effect of the main disorder. I have terrible social anxiety, and am thus mostly confined to the house; my only daily social contact is with my parents, whom I depend upon. For the most part I don't go out to do things; even when I go outside in the yard, I'm afraid the neighbors will see me. I have no real-life friends (not even a significant other), and, to be truthful, nobody I can rely on online either. I've had LOTS of bad experiences making friends because nobody ever likes to stick around long, even when they insist they do. As a result, I'm terribly lonely and always questioning my own worth and purpose in merely existing.

Writing is the one thing I feel I might do moderately well, thus I've fixated on it as the one thing I can offer the world. The thing is, the world, for the most part, just isn't interested in what I write, so that hurts even more. I write firstly for myself, because otherwise I would have given up long ago--why keep writing all this junk for no reason, right? But I love doing it, I think I do it well (sometimes, at least--something about it probably sucks so I can't keep readers), and it's all I have to offer of any worth in my life. So it's kind of a good thing and a bad thing.

I can write when depressed, because I'm just about always depressed, but when I'm very upset, like at the crying stage, I can't write. I just feel too stupid at such times, and of course there's the voice screaming in my head that there's no point in writing anyway.

Truthfully, I think my anxiety (though I can't speak for the depression) has made me a better writer, if only because I have no friends, job, or family to take up my time and interest, thus I spend most of my time working on the one thing I have. When you're as lonely as I am, it's quite easy to create entire worlds full of people you wish you could be friends with. And not having your time taken up by work and children and social outings leaves plenty of time for proofreading and learning to write better, sadly enough.

I don't know if my own dramatic emotional states have made me better at conveying emotions in my writing; I haven't had enough feedback to say, I guess.

Depression is a fascinating creature. Often it is another emotion, such as anger or frustration, turned inward. When we're not able to express it for some reason, be it that it's not "safe" or it would be too painful or whatever, the depression swoops in as a self-protective mechanism. Problem is, it can work a little too well because it's a paralyzer.

But on the flipside, if that happens to be the cause of your depression (there are plenty of other causes, too...hormonal, chemical, etc.), it can be a boon to your writing if you can tap into the repressed feeling and channel its energy out onto the page.

maestrowork said:

I can't write when I'm depressed. Fortunately, I don't get depressed often.

It's strange and it's true -- I need to be in a good mood, or at least a content mood, to write.

Click to expand...

Same here (about having to be in a good mood). I've come to believe (and a close friend who is a psychologist said she tends to agree) that I'm "mildly bipolar", with extremely long cycle. The outburst of creativity I had between age 15 and age 21 (actually for several years before age 15, to some extent, but furiously from age 15 on) sounded suspiciously "manic" when I described it to her, especially when I described how, at age 21, I dropped out of school, moved, and dropped down into a life of booze, drugs, and chronic low-grade depression, all within a six-month period and all without any apparent external cause. I stayed in that trough for many years, and didn't write a damned thing. Then, about 4 years ago, some enormous internal engine spun up again after almost 3 decades, I became happy and confident and joyous, and I started writing again. And I can't stop doing it. My friend says I'm a classic case. On the up side, she says that if my current "manic" phase of the cycle is as long as the previous "depressive" phase, I should be good to go for the duration: I'm 53 now, and assuming a 25-30 year manic cycle to match the 25 year depressive cycle, I'll probably be dead before the roller coaster starts heading downhill again.

Use Her Name said:

I think I also really thought that being happy meant being sunny and rainbows and my little pony, fun and all sorts of things, when being happy is just not being sad-- kind of okay with things, not happy/not sad is okay, just middling.
[snipped for lenght]

Click to expand...

Yes. Some time ago, I discovered that, while I do get depressed a lot and it occurs very often, deep down inside, underneath all of the misery and sadness and desperation, I'm still a happy person. Deep down inside, I like the life that I lead, and even though there are some things I definitely don't like whether I'm depressed or happy, overall I'm happy with my life. Which sounds weird, because many people can't understand why I can say that I'm truly happy when I have been weeping for three days straight, not getting out of bed, not eating and not functioning at all. Those people, I'm afraid, don't understand the true meaning of happiness.

But yeah. I've been diagnosed as a bipolar twice by two different doctors. They medicated me (two different medicines that served the same purpose) at different times. I refused to listen to them. I don't like being medicated. Yes, living with the lows is scary, because I fear that one day I'll snap and lose control and harm myself. And I don't like the highs either, because I have so much energy I can't spend it all and I start doing stupid stuff like throwing myself against walls (which I've become much better at not doing).

But still. This is the life I was born to live. I was born this way, so it follows that I was also born with the inner strenght to fight it. Since I was born into a comfortable middle-class family and everything else in my life is more or less going 'right', then I just assume this is the one challenge I'll have to fight for the rest of my life, so at the moment of my death I can smile and said: "I made it. I passed the test." Then, I won't mind whatever comes next, because I succeeded at conquering my life's challenge.

I cannot write during the lows or the highs. That leaves me with a measly one or two productive days every two weeks or so. And even when I'm kind of balanced, I'm usually so hyper I can't focus on my WIP for more than 10 minutes in a row. Which sucks, but anyways. I force myself to write at least three lines every day, so I can feel like I'm doing something. At this rate, though, I'm going to finish my first novel at age 90. That's okay. I'm learning to have patience, I can deal with that too.

M-hm, depression. One thing's for sure, it has helped me to write depressed characters.

I can't write while I'm depressed at all. I need to wait until I've reached a state of not feeling anything before I can write. I need to be a blank slate. It's really the same thing with acting. I shut down whatever parts of my brain produce my emotions and replace them with the story. It's sort of a meditative thing, I guess.

Over the years I've been treated for anxiety (which is pretty close to depression) a couple of times. I'm going back to my doc next Friday to see if she thinks it's necessary again.

A couple of weeks ago I had a really rough patch in life with lots of bad news heaped on me all at once. I did end up writing three chapters in one day, so maybe there is something to depression spurring creativity.

Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression is a great resource and companion. Some well-known writers, others not as well known, discuss their experiences and how it has affected their work.

Unfortunately, one of the byproducts of living in an overmedicated society is the minimization of how important meds are to those who need them. Antidepressants and their kin aren't happy pills or numbing pills; they're lifesavers. People on meds still experience misery and anxiety in response to external events. The difference is that those aren't a constant state of being. Do meds blunt creativity? The question is irrelevant when a person can't access, much less communicate, that creativity.

Nobody wants to be on medication, and those who don't have to be are fortunate. So often, though, I hear a tinge of self-righteousness among the latter group, as if that makes them purer in their craft. We romanticize the tortured artist, but there's nothing romantic about not being able to get out of bed, wanting to kill oneself or worse, going through with it.

</soapbox>
Sarah, determined stigma-buster

hellyeah... It's more than 'not being in the mood' it's not feeling well physiclaly and mentally, being worried for the chronic bad health of loved ones, just trying to hold on and the WIP waits. I do little stuff, get toiny ideas I do write down and I'm not panicky over it. I know the words will always be there. I bitch and moan into assorted notebooks and one of these days the WIP will grow.

Wow, This thread hit a chord with me. I wonder how many artists are bi-polar or have a similar psychosis.

It makes a weird kinda sense. At least in my case, my imagination can run so wild, the worlds I dream of can feel so real, the stories have a life of their own and simply must be put down on paper. This level of fictitious awareness is way beyond the normal 'realm' of everyday people. But, just as there is no free lunch in physics, maybe creativity comes with a dark side that helps balance the equation. Depression.

Not to say all writers are bi-polar. But that would be an interesting study. As for myself, I battle depression from time to time. I've found that it somehow makes me a better writer. It's like i've received a PhD in pain and am connected to it in a way that many people will never know. This gives me a unique insight into story progression. When I create a character, I know just exactly when to inflict that pain and how that fire will forge him into the future character I want him to be.

But in terms of writing while depressed (or manic). I think the key is to make it a habit. Also, give yourself permission to write badly. Just get in first draft mode and write it out, whether you use it or not, just write. The more you write (when depressed or manic), the more you train yourself to write (when depressed or manic).

People who need to be in a good mood to write have merely trained themselves to write when in a good mood. There is very little that is magical there, every mammal on this planet is a product of conditioning. Humans are just unique in the fact that we have the ability to consciously (and unconsciously) train ourselves to a set behavior pattern.

But not to make light of depression. I personally feel that ALL depression is comprised of three factors: Environment (external forces), biology (your nueral chemistry), and spirituality (your internal mentality).

Now, in some people it could be a 40% + 30% + 30% spread that is responsible for their good or bad mood. In some situations (take a death in the family) it could be a 90% + 5% + 5%. The point being, these factors are sliding scales each with the ability to dramatically impact our mood.

This is why for some, chemistry is the answer while for others, their biochemistry is fine, their environment just sucks. Usually though, it is some combination of all three.

ANyways, i'm babbling. Just know that you are not alone.

Mel...

What happens if you're depressed and want to stop writing, and can't?

caw

I'm not totally comfortable talking about this, but I'll dip my toe in nevertheless because I'm an opinionated jerk.

Okay. I've been depressed off and on for as long as I can remember (not exaggerating), and I've been writing for as long, also off and on. The depressive periods don't always correlate to an increase or decrease in my productivity or creativity. Those things seem to wax and wane on their own, independent schedule. They have coincided, of course.

It's very tempting (FOR ME) to blame my output or lack thereof on depression. But (AGAIN, FOR ME), that's a copout, and I know it. Stress is much more likely to stifle my creativity than enhance it, though. I'm stressed continually, so perhaps it's more accurate to say how I cope with the stress tends to dictate whether or not I am able to write far more than when I'm depressed.

I've written some horribly maudlin poetry and whatnot when I've been depressed. When I'm stressed out beyond my capacity to bear, I cannot write. *shrug*

Depression is a strange animal, as individual as the person struggling with it.

KTC said:

I've seen studies. I think you'd be surprised. Bi-Polars are not all creative and not all creatives are Bi-Polar. When it suits a discussion, they'll point it out, but meh... not startlingly overwhelming percentages. Creativity is an outlet... as a Bi-Polar, I gravitate toward outlets. Or, I should say I do when it suits me. I try to pigeon-hole everything and force energies into some things other than others. But Bi-Polar isn't a free pass to the world of creativity... not by a long stretch. In fact, I would have to say that I showed signs of creativity long before the other.

I would disagree with the three factors you listed. I've never once been spiritually depressed in all my life. That factor would be based on a person's belief system and their connection to the universe. Some don't have disconnection problems of that sort. There would have to be more than three factors for depression. I can think of more than that off the top of my head. But I suppose it doesn't really matter. Not really on topic.

Click to expand...

I love to debate so please don't take my response as hostile

I did say "Or other psychosis". The reason being, creativity to the extent of 'art' is normal. Everyone has a hobby, can draw a little bit, write a little poem, widdle a little piece of wood. We all have it in us. But it is a small percentage of us that MUST do it. In my opinion, that is what makes a real artist. Be it writer, singer, dancer, painter, sculptor, etc. etc. etc. It is almost not a choice. This level of obsession is not normal. It is 'abnormal' otherwise everyone would and could do it.

In terms of those three factors. I believe strongly in them. Just because you've never been spiritually depressed does not mean someone else can't LIke I said it is a SLIDING scale among those three variables, so therefore in your case it is 80% + 20% + 0%.

Too many people try to find a smoking gun mentality. For instance, the whole Gay thing. For some people, it is biological and for some others it is behavoiral, and for others it can be a combo of both. Just sliding scales.

In my mind, those three factors (if you read between the lines) are physical, mental, and spiritual. I think that all human beings define themselves by these three characteristics, thus, why is it surprising that I link a trait (depression) to the three things that compose 'us'?

Anyways, my view on the matter.

Mel...

Hey is this where all the bi polars are at?

*waves*

Writing first drafts when manic is easy...I just bung all my wierd little flights of fancy down. * ooh, an exploding turnip just here would be cool!*

I edit when on a low, when I can make myself. *For the gods sakes, stop with the exploding turnips already.*

If I have any normal periods ( well as normal as I get) then that's good for both, or coming up with rational solutions to the manic flights of fancy that are just too silly. *Mind you a rain of turnips might work*

I've been depressed, off and on, ever since I was about 12 years old. I've been pretty stable for the last five years or so, but haven't written any great fiction during that time.

Research has established parallels between the cycles of bipolar disorder and creativity: they match in all sorts of unexpected ways. Which isn't to say you HAVE to be depressed or bipolar to write well, or that one leads to the other: just that they kind of run alongside one another, for various reasons.

There's a wonderful book called "Touched by Fire", I think, by Kay Redfield Jamison, in which she investigates the links between depression and creativity and discusses it in great detail. I found it fascinating, http://howpublishingreallyworks.blogspot.com/2008/06/writers-and-depression-part-ii.htmland blogged about it just this week, here and then here.

(I shall now stop advertising my blog, and leave you all to go read the book.)

I just saw this and felt I had to come in and add my woes to the list. I've never had any serious bouts with depression until the last couple of months. It's wild. My widfe has struggled with it for years but thanks to modern pharmacology she enjoys life. Me, I've been so down that I'm considering talking to my doctor. I can't write shit. I can't get a creative surge going. Well, outside of some background notes ana couple fo days that I found my muse I haven't been at it more then posting here. It sucks.

As most of you already pointed out, there's a wall of fog clouding my head making it a bitch to get beyond what's bugging me. So yeah, I can't write like this. Even started faltering during this post. Frak!

Pike