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Mela
06-10-2008, 09:16 PM
I know this woman MADLY in love with a guy who suffered through a beastly divorce - 2 kids, maybe late teens, early 20s. She's divorced, too, with 2 grown kids in their 20s. They're both in their mid to late 40s.

He broke up with her last August - has a problem with commitment. On Memorial Day I learned he invited her to his shore house for the weekend and a week later she calls to say she's engaged. Well, wait a minute. Not engaged. He bought her a sort of promise ring.

What do you all think of this promise ring thing? Guys? When would you give a promise ring? I didn't really think people still did that ... in their 40s, that is.

maestrowork
06-10-2008, 09:20 PM
Me think?

All this ring a ding ding stuff is just silly. If you're committed or about to commit or whatever, why do you need a ring? I don't even wear a watch. Don't make me wear a ring to "show my commitment" to you.

Silly.

Of course, some people like this kind of stuff. There's a huge industry for this stuff. I guess whatever floats your boat.

quickWit
06-10-2008, 09:23 PM
I agree Mela. Aside from the fact that I haven't ever heard of anyone past their early 20's giving/receiving a 'promise' ring, it sounds to me like he just wants to buy some time and placate your friend for a while. Of course, not knowing them I may be completely wrong, but that's the first impression I got in reading your post. :)

Ol' Fashioned Girl
06-10-2008, 09:25 PM
I thought promise rings died in the late '60s, early '70s.

Don Allen
06-10-2008, 09:37 PM
I promise to give you anything you want if you give me what I want tonight...


The old black joke punchline... Baby... when i'm hard down there, i'm soft up here, and when I'm soft down there, I'm hard up here.......

Mela
06-10-2008, 10:02 PM
I was mostly curious on the whole promise ring thing - it sounds lame.
I also thought it was a 60s high school fad.

Jcomp
06-10-2008, 10:12 PM
What do you all think of this promise ring thing? Guys? When would you give a promise ring? I didn't really think people still did that ... in their 40s, that is.

In junior high school...?

NeuroFizz
06-10-2008, 10:29 PM
Yeah, the ring thing is cheesy. But this guy went through a "beastly" divorce, and he's having a problem with commitment. Let's tell him what a dickwad he is for giving your friend such a piece of crap promise. Buck it up nutless--marry her to go back to your I-can't-commit pity hole. Geez. Maybe this is the best the guy can do right now. Maybe it will take him some time to trust a woman again. Maybe he's not emotionally ready for marriage, even if your friend is. Look past the hardware and try to see what it represents.

DamaNegra
06-10-2008, 10:32 PM
Well, in the city where I live, promise rings are given when a couple is madly in love but they're too young to get engages. But a person in their 40s?

If your friend doesn't have an issue with his non-commitment, then whatever rocks her boat. If she's looking for a serious relationship... run run ruuun!

Shadow_Ferret
06-10-2008, 10:32 PM
I've never heard of a promise ring. Boy, women sure make out, don't they? I think they get a ring for damned near every step of a relationship.

And we guys get the bill.

Seems totally unfair.

Jcomp
06-10-2008, 10:35 PM
I've never heard of a promise ring. Boy, women sure make out, don't they? I think they get a ring for damned near every step of a relationship.

And we guys get the bill.

Seems totally unfair.

Well, you can always just buy no ring at all... no matter the occassion...

And, in context of this thread, dude has a weekend shore house. I'm pretty sure that ring didn't hurt his wallet.

NeuroFizz
06-10-2008, 10:46 PM
If your friend doesn't have an issue with his non-commitment, then whatever rocks her boat. If she's looking for a serious relationship... run run ruuun!
Oh, yeah. I forgot. Men aren't supposed to cry. They aren't supposed to show any sign of emotional weakness. They need to commit when the woman wants to or the woman should run, run, ruuun. That'll teach him, the weak-ass, cheapskate sucker.

Can anyone be the least bit happy for this couple? Their relationship seems to be moving in the right direction, and they are taking their time with it (seems not only reasonable, but necessary considering what they have been through).

Jcomp
06-10-2008, 10:55 PM
Oh, yeah. I forgot. Men aren't supposed to cry. They aren't supposed to show any sign of emotional weakness. They need to commit when the woman wants to or the woman should run, run, ruuun. That'll teach him, the weak-ass, cheapskate sucker.

I think your reaction is a bit extreme there. Dama did say that if the friend has no issue with the non-commitment it's cool. If she's actively looking for and immediately wanting a "serious" relationship - and let's be real, to most women "serious" means exclusivity, and when in their 40's they want marriage as some sort of insurance of that exclusivity - well then she probably should run. Because dude probably isn't ready to commit to her given his prior situation. Who can blame him?

Sometimes it just isn't meant to be...

NeuroFizz
06-10-2008, 10:59 PM
I thought a promise ring was a form of commitment. I guess just not the right kind for people here.

JoNightshade
06-10-2008, 10:59 PM
What exactly is a "promise ring" supposed to PROMISE? An engagement ring is the promise to marry. The wedding ring is the promise to be faithful to one another for a lifetime.

So... a promise ring is... promising to... uh...?

NeuroFizz
06-10-2008, 11:02 PM
I see it as a promise of exclusivity while they take their time to see if marriage is the right avenue for them. Pretty wise considering both are divorcees, one on "beastly" terms.

Of course some will probably see it as a way he can have access to regular nookie, and nothing more, but even if that is the case, she'll have time to find out before anything is formalized and another "beastly" situation is entered.

kristie911
06-10-2008, 11:17 PM
Why can't I find a guy who doesn't want to commit?

~Kristie, commitment-phobe

Shadow_Ferret
06-10-2008, 11:26 PM
What exactly is a "promise ring" supposed to PROMISE? An engagement ring is the promise to marry. The wedding ring is the promise to be faithful to one another for a lifetime.

So... a promise ring is... promising to... uh...?


I see it as a promise of exclusivity while they take their time to see if marriage is the right avenue for them. Pretty wise considering both are divorcees, one on "beastly" terms.

Yeah. They're in their 40s. They've both been burned once already. He wants to take it slow, but still show that he's serious.

And he gets raked over the coals for it. Sheesh.

kristie911
06-10-2008, 11:30 PM
The idea of a promise ring does seem silly to me. Why can't words make the same promise as a piece of jewelry? Does the ring really make it more real? And if she's "madly in love" with him, she should be able to respect that he's not ready for marriage and may never be. To me, madly in love would mean she'd take him at face value and not push him into something he's not ready for.

~Kristie, probably projecting her own issues into the discussion. :)

BenPanced
06-11-2008, 12:20 AM
Oh, yeah. I forgot. Men aren't supposed to cry. They aren't supposed to show any sign of emotional weakness. They need to commit when the woman wants to or the woman should run, run, ruuun. That'll teach him, the weak-ass, cheapskate sucker.

Can anyone be the least bit happy for this couple? Their relationship seems to be moving in the right direction, and they are taking their time with it (seems not only reasonable, but necessary considering what they have been through).
Maybe I read Dear Abby too much, but at his age it sounds to me he's made his "commitment" without the wedding and everything else attached to it, i.e., no chance of another "beastly" divorce.

SPMiller
06-11-2008, 12:29 AM
Why can't I find a guy who doesn't want to commit?

~Kristie, commitment-phobeThere are plenty of us.

Aren't there? :Huh:

KTC
06-11-2008, 12:34 AM
Engagement rings are a huge waste of money that can be spent more wisely elsewhere. I could never justify spending that kind of money on a piece of jewelry when people are dying. My wife and I bought wedding bands and we had no wedding or engagement rings. A promise is worth a hell of a lot more than a piece of jewelry. I can't believe people still throw away money on lavish things like weddings and engagement rings. Take the money, or even a portion of the money, you are willing to throw away on these things, and send it to a charity that needs it. Give it to a family who needs it.


ACCOUNTABILITY, FOLKS. It's a big word with an even bigger meaning.

James81
06-11-2008, 12:57 AM
Engagement rings are a huge waste of money that can be spent more wisely elsewhere. I could never justify spending that kind of money on a piece of jewelry when people are dying. My wife and I bought wedding bands and we had no wedding or engagement rings. A promise is worth a hell of a lot more than a piece of jewelry. I can't believe people still throw away money on lavish things like weddings and engagement rings. Take the money, or even a portion of the money, you are willing to throw away on these things, and send it to a charity that needs it. Give it to a family who needs it.


ACCOUNTABILITY, FOLKS. It's a big word with an even bigger meaning.

In that case, why do you pay for internet every month? That money could be better spent saving the entire world.

KTC
06-11-2008, 01:08 AM
In that case, why do you pay for internet every month? That money could be better spent saving the entire world.

Oh, the arguer returns. True. Why spend any money on anything other than rice and loin cloths, really.

I know it probably doesn't seem like I use it for anything other than haunting these AW halls, but I actually do quite a bit of business through the internet. Not to mention the online donations I makes.

But I would seriously consider a hut, a bowl of rice and a loin cloth. Pity I'm not strong enough to follow through.

James81
06-11-2008, 01:12 AM
Oh, the arguer returns. True. Why spend any money on anything other than rice and loin cloths, really.

I know it probably doesn't seem like I use it for anything other than haunting these AW halls, but I actually do quite a bit of business through the internet. Not to mention the online donations I makes.

But I would seriously consider a hut, a bowl of rice and a loin cloth. Pity I'm not strong enough to follow through.

I'm just saying. Personally, I think spending large amounts of money on an engagement ring is ridiculous, but I'm certainly not going to use the whole "there are people starving in africa" routine to make them feel guilty about it.

KTC
06-11-2008, 01:18 AM
I'm just saying. Personally, I think spending large amounts of money on an engagement ring is ridiculous, but I'm certainly not going to use the whole "there are people starving in africa" routine to make them feel guilty about it.

I was only kidding about 'the arguer' thing. I actually get a kick out of you, truth be told. I am fully sincere when I say I don't say it to make people feel guilty. If it does, I guess that's for the better. And I wouldn't say, "Instead of putting 20K to that wedding, send 20K to charity." I would think people would find a better use for most of the cost of a wedding in their own lives. I would say, "give some to a charity of your choice and the rest to a down payment to your lives together." Even if the most of it goes to a mortgage down payment. I'm just an advocate of charity... I don't insist other people do it... but I do always ask that they consider it. By all means, if you don't think charity is important, than raise your head high and be proud. Don't feel guilty for anything. Guilt is so... blah. And the 'you' there is the royal 'you'...

James81
06-11-2008, 01:23 AM
I was only kidding about 'the arguer' thing. I actually get a kick out of you, truth be told. I am fully sincere when I say I don't say it to make people feel guilty. If it does, I guess that's for the better. And I wouldn't say, "Instead of putting 20K to that wedding, send 20K to charity." I would think people would find a better use for most of the cost of a wedding in their own lives. I would say, "give some to a charity of your choice and the rest to a down payment to your lives together." Even if the most of it goes to a mortgage down payment. I'm just an advocate of charity... I don't insist other people do it... but I do always ask that they consider it. By all means, if you don't think charity is important, than raise your head high and be proud. Don't feel guilty for anything. Guilt is so... blah. And the 'you' there is the royal 'you'...

Heh, no offense taken by the arguer comment. It is, after all, just a message board. ;) (although I don't mean to be so argumetative, I just disagree with people a lot on this particular board for some reason lol)

But yeah, charity is great, but you can only do so much. Personally, I'm a bigger advocate of actually donating your TIME than your money for a charity, though. The money is great, but time is so much more valuable methinks.

Silver King
06-11-2008, 01:25 AM
In that case, why do you pay for internet every month? That money could be better spent saving the entire world.


I'm just saying. Personally, I think spending large amounts of money on an engagement ring is ridiculous, but I'm certainly not going to use the whole "there are people starving in africa" routine to make them feel guilty about it.
Even though you seem to agree partly with Kevin in the second quote, you chose to bust his balls with your first comment. Why is that? Does getting under a person's skin somehow enhance your perspective? Does it make your beliefs sound that much more profound?

I'm asking because I'm honestly curious, as I've seen this type of posting style clutter your comments many times.

KTC
06-11-2008, 01:25 AM
But yeah, charity is great, but you can only do so much. Personally, I'm a bigger advocate of actually donating your TIME than your money for a charity, though. The money is great, but time is so much more valuable methinks.

AGREED! I give time whenever I can. What is helpful here in Ontario is that high school students need to put in 40 hours of community service before they can graduate. I have accompanied my kids on their 40hours.

Jcomp
06-11-2008, 01:26 AM
Even though you seem to agree partly with Kevin in the second quote, you chose to bust his balls with your first comment. Why is that? Does getting under a person's skin somehow enhance your perspective? Does it make your beliefs sound that much more profound?

I'm asking because I'm honestly curious, as I've seen this type of posting style clutter your comments many times.

People aren't free to disagree anymore? They seem to have patched things up just fine. KTC's even offering him a drink...

James81
06-11-2008, 01:30 AM
Even though you seem to agree partly with Kevin in the second quote, you chose to bust his balls with your first comment. Why is that? Does getting under a person's skin somehow enhance your perspective? Does it make your beliefs sound that much more profound?

I'm asking because I'm honestly curious, as I've seen this type of posting style clutter your comments many times.

My goal is not to get under anyone's skin. I just try to be as blunt, honest, and precise as I can.

My beliefs are just that...beliefs...but I don't come to a belief unless I believe in it very strongly. As such, I usually assert my opinions strongly. Just part of who I am I suppose. I don't mean to offend anyone ever. I don't get offended very easily and sometimes I forget that other people aren't the same way.

TerzaRima
06-11-2008, 01:34 AM
Oh hell, enough with the mauve-tinted passive aggression. This woman wants a diamond ring? She should buy herself one.

She wants to get married, she should ask him. He says no? If the biological clock is a factor here and she wants kids, she'll need to throw him back. But if babies aren't an issue, who cares?

kristie911
06-11-2008, 01:41 AM
She wants to get married, she should ask him. He says no? If the biological clock is a factor here and she wants kids, she'll need to throw him back. But if babies aren't an issue, who cares?

Exactly. Why do so many people think marriage is the only way to happiness and a commitment? Why can't a commitment come without marriage? Or is marriage still viewed as the ultimate commitment? With the ease of divorce and the current divorce rate, I don't see how it's that big of a deal anymore. I can be committed without a ring and a piece of paper...

Silver King
06-11-2008, 01:43 AM
People aren't free to disagree anymore? They seem to have patched things up just fine. KTC's even offering him a drink...
Yeah, that was some bad timing on my part, with my post sandwiched between all of that lovin'. Of course people are free to disagree all they want. But my question to James was merely trying to find out why there was a need for the initial barbs when he could have just as easily phrased his statement without any contention.

My goal is not to get under anyone's skin. I just try to be as blunt, honest, and precise as I can.

My beliefs are just that...beliefs...but I don't come to a belief unless I believe in it very strongly. As such, I usually assert my opinions strongly. Just part of who I am I suppose. I don't mean to offend anyone ever. I don't get offended very easily and sometimes I forget that other people aren't the same way.
And that's all I wanted to know. Thank you, James, for the answer, and for clarifying your position.

KTC
06-11-2008, 01:46 AM
Me too, Kristie. We did the marriage so our family would all have the same last name. Don't even get me started on that. I could never understand a woman giving away her name... or dropping it, I should say. Our commitment was solid from practically day one. The marriage came about in whatever year it was because we all didn't have the same last name... plain and simple.

Yeah... if someone wants a ring that bad, just get it yourself. Commitments and rings are exclusive. You can give a ring to commit to somebody... and then not follow through. The whole picture, man... that's what you need to consider. Love is words and action. A ring wraps around your finger but does not promise the eternity it symbolizes.

sassandgroove
06-11-2008, 01:49 AM
oh man...where to I even start?

Promise ring does sound like high school but beyond that I agree with Fizz and Ferret I think. This guy has been hurt so this is where he is right now. and if the chick likes rings he probably thought it was a nice gesture. I could be way off, but there you go.

I also felt that I'd rather spend our money on our life together and our rings weren't very expensive. I gained too much weight to wear mine right now anyway. I was wearing a $20 (with shipping :D) ring in its place - an anniversary gift. BUt right now my skin is irritated- once it heals I will try it again and take it off when I wash my hands, take showers, do dishes and sleep. ANyway. Mr. Grooves ring had a band of stones and one of them chipped so while it was being repaired we bought him a $20 silver band and that is what he wears too. Our entire wedding, with rings, catering, and honey moon was only $5,000. (that's not even what I spent, that includes gifts like the dress my aunt paid for and the invitations my parents paid for etc.) I can't imagine a nicer wedding. I am amazed at people who spend $100,000 on a wedding, or even $50,000 or $20,000 and then get divorced a few years later. To me that says the priorities are out of whack.

ETA:
I could never understand a woman giving away her name... or dropping it, I should say.I used to think I would keep my name when I got married. I will probably publish with my maiden name should that day ever come. But when the time came to get married I wanted to share my husband's name. I was excited about it. I didn't feel I was giving anything up. I felt like I was gaining something. I feel honored to have his name. I am think he feels honored I share it with him. I am so proud of him, I want the world to know. I can't put in words, but I don't feel I am being subservient or anything. I am not, however, one of those women that signs her name as such: Mrs. Man'sFirstName LastName.
I used to work at a deli where I would sometimes take names if we were busy and had a wait for a table. I never understood the old women who would come in while their husband's were parking and when I would ask thier name they'd say, "Richard," or "Bill," or whatever. What is wrong with their own names? I give our lastname when we go to restuarants, but if I were inclined to give a first name it would be mine.

ETAA:
Exactly. Why do so many people think marriage is the only way to happiness and a commitment? Why can't a commitment come without marriage? Or is marriage still viewed as the ultimate commitment? With the ease of divorce and the current divorce rate, I don't see how it's that big of a deal anymore. I can be committed without a ring and a piece of paper...I don't know. I do know I have a friend who lived with a man for over 10 years. I asked her more than once why she wouldn't marry him. Sometimes she'd change the subject, or say she didn't need a paper, etc. But once, just once, really late at night when we were both very tired, and had been talking for hours, she said it was because it would be too hard to leave him. I always took that to mean he wasn't really right for her. (There were other indicators for that too. Or I might have taken that differently.) Anyway she finally did leave him. After a couple years passed she not only met a better man for her, she married him. I don't want to start a fight or assume I know what it is like for everyone, etc. But I do think that there is, for some people at least, a deeper level of commitment in a marriage than there would be in just living together. It isn't just a peice of paper. Someone once said to me that the engagement is the private committment for the couple and the wedding is the public commitment. If you just move in, maybe there isn't that commitment. I really don't know and I am not quite sure what my point it. That is just my experience with one friend.

Carole
06-11-2008, 03:20 AM
My hubby wrote me a poem for my birthday a long time ago. We had just started seeing each other. In that poem he said, "I promise to promise whenever it is fair". A year later, he did just that with a promise ring. I was 30. He totally did it for me. He knew I wanted a security blanket. I would have been happy with anything and the ring he chose is extravagant, but that was his choice. I didn't care about the ring and I wasn't expecting one, but he knew it would make me settle down about us as a couple and put an end to a lot of the uneasiness I had since he was such a free spirit and I wasn't used to that.

4 years later, he bought me the perfect wedding ring - a plain silver band from little silver kiosk for $20. I bought his there too. I stopped wearing the promise ring when we got married 5 years ago and only wear my wedding ring now.

I have never understood the whole "women and jewelry" thing. Every single time I see one of those Jared Jewelers commercials, I want to puke. IMO, none of the women in the commercial deserve anything, much less an overpriced, overvalued, hyped-up diamond. Personally, I don't really like diamonds. It's my birthstone so I do own a couple of them - tiny ones - but like my tanzanite promise ring, I never wear them.

My sister owns so much diamond jewelry that she has a safe deposit box at the bank with a lot of them stored there. I think that's just plain silly.

Carole
06-11-2008, 03:28 AM
Me too, Kristie. We did the marriage so our family would all have the same last name. Don't even get me started on that. I could never understand a woman giving away her name... or dropping it, I should say. Our commitment was solid from practically day one. The marriage came about in whatever year it was because we all didn't have the same last name... plain and simple.

Yeah... if someone wants a ring that bad, just get it yourself. Commitments and rings are exclusive. You can give a ring to commit to somebody... and then not follow through. The whole picture, man... that's what you need to consider. Love is words and action. A ring wraps around your finger but does not promise the eternity it symbolizes.

Well said. Hubby would have been perfectly fine never getting married. He told me more than once that standing before a preacher wouldn't make his love for me better, stronger or more enduring. I'm old-fashioned, though. I wanted his last name. Partly because to me it symbolizes that we are a "real couple", as silly as that sounds. Although it wouldn't sound silly at all if we were living 50 years ago.

edited: Ok, it doesn't sound silly to me at all. In all honesty, I only said that because so many women who really love the idea of taking their husband's name feel judged for it by the non-traditionalists of today, particularly women to tell us that we shouldn't "need" it or that wanting it is a sign of weakness or co-dependency. It's really sad to me that I just tried to put something out there that made me seem less like what I really am. I wouldn't feel whole without my husband. I'm not a complete person without him. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The other reason I wanted his last name was to get rid of my ex's last name without having to pay for it! Haha!


In my little world, having his name makes me part of his entire family and also bridges the gap between my blood family and his. I understand that it isn't necessary and that we would be the same without the rings and little piece of paper, but it's symbolic and comforting to me. Everyone derives comfort form their own things, and this is a big one for me. I am his wife and he is my husband and that makes me smile. :)


Exactly. Why do so many people think marriage is the only way to happiness and a commitment? Why can't a commitment come without marriage? Or is marriage still viewed as the ultimate commitment? With the ease of divorce and the current divorce rate, I don't see how it's that big of a deal anymore. I can be committed without a ring and a piece of paper...

That is true for you and that's awesome, but for a lot of us it isn't true. I don't think that marriage is the only way to happiness and a commitment. I do think that for me, marriage was and is my preference to not being married. (Married to him...not married in general) Why? Why do some people choose Coke and some choose Pepsi and others choose water? Why is the sky blue? Personal preference is a really difficult thing to try to analyze. What I don't understand is why anyone would even care about another couple's desires with their relationships. *shrugs* And yes - I do sorta contradict myself there because of my earlier comments about not understanding the jewelry thing. I guess it's true - opinions are like bellybuttons. Everybody has one.

Carole
06-11-2008, 03:50 AM
I am not, however, one of those women that signs her name as such: Mrs. Man'sFirstName LastName.
I used to work at a deli where I would sometimes take names if we were busy and had a wait for a table. I never understood the old women who would come in while their husband's were parking and when I would ask thier name they'd say, "Richard," or "Bill," or whatever. What is wrong with their own names? I give our lastname when we go to restuarants, but if I were inclined to give a first name it would be mine.


I think that's really common for women of my mom's generation and older. Something else I see that's pretty common is using their last name as their middle, but not the hyphenated thing. Mom's maiden name is West. When she signs anything, she's been asked a million times what her middle initial stands for because W isn't the most common for a middle initial. But more often than that, she uses Mrs. Dad's Name. When I send their Christmas cards, I always use Mr. & Mrs. Dad's Name.

Now, I am very guilty of using Mr. Vagabond's name when we are waiting at a restaurant. To me, it's a sign of respect, albeit very old-fashioned. It's the same idea behind why he wouldn't have wanted to take my name when we got married. I would probably use our last name instead of either of our first names, if only anyone could pronounce our last name. I've had the same job for three years now and my boss still stops and struggles with it - a lot. I also don't think it's any different than how he always walks closest to the street with me on the inside or how he grabs my hand before we cross a street.

Carole
06-11-2008, 04:23 AM
Something else, back on the actual topic (sorry - I strayed).

I absolutely agree that the size and monetary value of the ring are given way too much thought. But my ring is something else, and hubby actually called my attention to it. They are symbols. Why do you need a symbol when you already have the commitment? With us, it's a little reminder through the day. I glance down and notice my ring and I smile. Catching my little ring out of the corner of my eye makes me think about him, if only for a second, and it's a reminder that I have a lot more in my life than whatever I happen to be doing at the moment. He tells me that even though he didn't care one way or the other about getting married, he finds himself fiddling with his ring often and he always thinks of me when he does it.

James81
06-11-2008, 05:04 AM
When I think about it, though, I think I'd rather give a girl a RING than some legal document entitling her to half my stuff.

Carole
06-11-2008, 05:07 AM
I had a ring and a legal document and two kids and got nothing of the ex's. Not even child support, not even when I gave them his physical address on a Navy base. Figure that one out. I never could. Every once in a while, someone just falls through the cracks. (Not only that, but this year - after all this time - the government took back ALL the money I got in food stamps while the jerk wasn't paying child support because they say I wasn't needy enough)

Fraulein
06-11-2008, 08:26 AM
The bigger the rock, the longer that I can avoid the inevitable. My SO has a way of "wasting" money. What better way for him to save than for a ring which will signify what he really wants... marriage.

I'm thinking about 10 carats. Do you think he'll ever get there?

EriRae
06-11-2008, 10:47 AM
But I would seriously consider a hut, a bowl of rice and a loin cloth.

Who needs a loin cloth? :D

Mela
06-11-2008, 09:07 PM
Well, of the couple involved in this promise ring thing: she's been divorced for about 14 years. Him, about 5-6 years. He, quite plainly, has always bothered me a bit because he just doesn't seem to be THERE entirely with her, if you know what I mean, and as I said earlier, he's the one who initiated the break up last year.

I really wasn't trying to say that everyone needs a big expensive engagement ring - although God knows I did (laugh - what I got was a very nice, maybe, medium sized ring - I'm a traditionalist, what can I say?) - I was questioning this whole promise ring thing and whether it was a little placating. Either you want her or you don't and yes, the guy's been burned with his beastly divorce but I just get the feeling that, while he cares for her he still wants to keep a toe in the water.

On the subject of big expensive rings, if you want to really barrel down someone's throat:
I have another friend (not friend, really, acquaintance by marriage) who didn't like the size of the engagement ring given to her so she took it back and bought herself a bigger stone. Now that takes hutzpah.

a_sharp
06-11-2008, 10:15 PM
With my 45th wedding anniversary coming up in a couple weeks, I feel qualified to weigh in.

Two points: (a) my wife treasures her wedding ring but keeps it locked away because our life style doesn't merit jewelry and she doesn't feel the need to show it; (b) the so-called commitment behind marriage is a farce today because of the high divorce rate. Commitment comes from the heart and a willingness to compromise.

The promise ring thing is a joke. I view it as a weasely way to avoid saying yes or no, which is typical of a lot of 40s and 50s people who grew up with no sense of accountability or responsibility. Broken promises are a way of life. Being a man of your word has disappeared along with chivalry. Whether that's bad or good depends on which end of the broken promise you're on.

Promise ring? The guy in question is a moral moron for suggesting it.

Red-Green
06-11-2008, 10:23 PM
I figure a wedding ring is only good for two things:

1. As a pleasant reminder of my husband, who spent 38 months of the first five years of our marriage deployed to a combat zone. I used it to reassure myself. Just crossed my thumb under my other fingers and touched it whenever I worried.

2. As a wordless notification system to other guys, so they don't waste any time giving me the googly eye.

I figure a "promise" ring can do the same thing, if that's what the person wearing it wants.

Oh, as for the loin cloth? It only serves one purpose: to keep people from laughing at you.

StoryG27
06-11-2008, 10:27 PM
I have to admit I had my little chuckle reading the "promise ring" part and thinking that it was juvenile. But then I really started thinking. It sounds like this guy knows what it takes to keep this woman happy and/or feeling secure. Whether or not he is doing it for the right reasons is another topic entirely.

Carole
06-12-2008, 05:07 AM
That's why hubby bought one for me, I am sure. He knew he was on his way, but he also knew I was getting there a lot faster than him. He wanted me to know that he was serious about me and about us, but he just wasn't ready to get engaged. At least he was honest. :) Actually, we never did get engaged. He never even proposed. We were out sitting by the fire one night and he said, "Yanno, I'm thinking that it's just about time for me to get married." I said, "To whom, kind sir?" He laughed. And that's it. He just laughed. I picked the date, I made the arrangements and everything. He showed up. Haha. He told me later that he had planned to stop me on the way into the courthouse and ask me to marry him then, but we got lost. We went into the wrong building and had to run to get to the right building in time to meet the preacher. He said with all that, he totally forgot until we were walking out afterward.

Kthrok
06-12-2008, 06:42 PM
me personally when it comes down to it if the two people are happy together i say let it be. Kit and I have been married 9 years now i have barely ever had a ring on my finger and hers is on her necklace as it doesnt fit her finger. We both have the same outlook... If having that piece of paper or ring really shouldn't change a relationship... Her and I started out as friends and things grew from there (rather fast mind you). To this day when we start having probs we look back and remember that she is my best-friend and I am hers.

As for the 'promise' ring i see his reluctance to fully commit to another marriage. Atleast he has made the commitment to be with just her :D

ACEnders
06-12-2008, 07:26 PM
Well, the significance of the ring is to me very special. The wedding band. Not a promise ring.

I thought only little high school sweethearts gave out promise rings!

I mean, what's the point? If I promise is a promise to get engaged. And an engagement is a promise to get married. Then isn't a promise a promise to get married? So why not just go with the engagement. If A=B, and B=C, doesn't A=C?

sassandgroove
06-12-2008, 08:23 PM
Oh - way to bring math into the equation. :D

Lyra Jean
06-12-2008, 09:10 PM
When I got engaged I told him that it didn't have to be a diamond. Any stone would do and I didn't care what size it was. As long as it wasn't his ex-fiance's ring or a piece of glass.

He ended up getting me a diamond because he knew I didn't care what kind of stone or what size it was. I needed it for a sense of security as well. I've had other men I've dated tell me yeah I'm committed and whatnot and then I find them cheating on me with my best friend or whatever. So yeah I need it.

I hate those jewelry commercials. What about this one I heard on the radio.

Announcer: They have been married for 20 years and he never got her a diamond.

I'm like what's the problem there. They've been together for 20 years obviously they didn't need a diamond to prove whatever it is you're saying he needs to prove.

sassandgroove
06-12-2008, 09:38 PM
my 90 year old Great Aunt still wears her ring, even though her husband died over 30 years ago. It is from when they were young and had little money. It has three little tiny diamond chips in it.

Mela
06-12-2008, 11:10 PM
Oh, that's so sweet, sassandgroove.
Did you see my other posting, about the acquaintance who didn't like the size of her engagement ring and took it back to get a larger stone? Her husband told me about that and asked me what I thought. I said, "You don't want to know what I think."

I have a lovely ring and wedding band and, yes, I needed both. To me it was proof of the commitment.

ACEnders
06-12-2008, 11:22 PM
Oh, that's so sweet, sassandgroove.
Did you see my other posting, about the acquaintance who didn't like the size of her engagement ring and took it back to get a larger stone? Her husband told me about that and asked me what I thought. I said, "You don't want to know what I think."

I have a lovely ring and wedding band and, yes, I needed both. To me it was proof of the commitment.

I didn't see that post, and I think that's horrible!

I did too. I love my rings, and they mean so much more to me than a piece of jewelry.

My husband picked out my engagement ring all by himself. He researched on diamonds and hand picked it, then chose the setting. All during a period of 7 months that we were broken up. He didn't even know if I'd come back to him or not.

Mela
06-13-2008, 12:26 AM
Well, the man was certainly in love.
On a different note: a co-worker just got engaged and I asked to see the ring and she said she doesn't have one yet - she wants to design it herself (she's an artist).