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Liam Jackson
06-02-2008, 03:10 PM
*deep breath*
Here goes. Time to clear the air.

I'm a bad man. On the Rotten sliding scale, I fall somewhere between Attilla and $8.00 a gal. gasoline.

Confessions:
Built a 6'(+) snow penis in a hated neighbor's driveway. (His sainted wife is still in therapy.)

Sent another hated neighbor a ransom demand for his foo-foo dog, (which I really didn't kidnap) and demanded a bag of mini-Snickers in payment, "else Fido goes into the microwave."

Stole jack-o-lanterns from 17 houses during Halloween '77. Bombed Alicia Martin's house with them.

Stuck gum to the hem of Father Hartsell's priestly digs. Laughed my ass off all during Mass.

Taped silk undies to the inside cover on Mike A's ticketbook. When Mike opened said ticketbook during a traffic stop, a certain Mr. and Mrs. Joe Citizen were "thonged." Mrs. Joe Citizen is still in therapy.

"Borrowed" the four wheeler from a certain local game warden's truck while he was giving his state supervisor a tour of the county courthouse. Drove said four wheeler into the local high school gym. Left gym with keys in my pocket.

Greeted 108 newbies in the newbie forum since 2004. Asked them all if I could borrow money "until next Tuesday." Usally $20.00. None have ever sent Paypal. Bummer.

Gave Ray Wong a wedgie. He liked it. I never did it again.

When I was 10, I told my little brother he was adopted from the Little Rock Zoo. Told him Mr. Bim was his real father. Little brother cried. Dad smacked me upside the head. I didn't mind. Much.

Poured three cans of sardines-in-mustard sauce into the manifold of Gary Johnston's truck back in '80. It was winter. He ran the heater for only a short time. A week later, he sold his truck.

In the fourth grade, I killed Bobby Peterson's G.I. Joe with my dad's skillsaw. Told Bobby G.I. Joe was really a "red spy from Cuba." Hell, I didn't even know what a red spy was. Didn't care. Just heard my dad and uncles talking about them. It pissd Bobby off. I was a happy little camper.

A few weeks after executing G.I. Joe, I sold my youngest brother for 50 cents and a stack of Green Lantern comics to Bobby. (Gullible little prick.)Mom made me give back the money. I kept the comics. Told Bobby my brother ate 'em. Bobby is now way beyond any help from therapy. So is little brother.

*whew* I feel better.
Thank you.

Next? Confession is good for the soul. Or not.

Haggis
06-02-2008, 03:17 PM
I tossed a water balloon through an open bus window. But the balloon wasn't filled with water. And that's all I'm saying about that.

Liam Jackson
06-02-2008, 03:18 PM
I tossed a water balloon through an open bus window. But the balloon wasn't filled with water. And that's all I'm saying about that.
Ye evil bastid!
Did they call out the local Hazmat team to clean up the "spill?"

Mandy-Jane
06-02-2008, 03:26 PM
I stole some home decorating magazines from the waiting area of a Chinese restaurant when I was drunk. And I was so proud of myself!

Liam Jackson
06-02-2008, 03:35 PM
That's the spirit, Mandy! Now, don't you feel better? :)

Ol' Fashioned Girl
06-02-2008, 03:35 PM
I've never done anything for which I need to confess. I was always a model of perfect deportment, an angel among hellions like yourselves, a Teachers' Aide, an upstanding member of the Honor Society, a help to those in need, and a comfort to the elderly.









What?






What?!?

rhymegirl
06-02-2008, 03:46 PM
I'm an angel. :2angel:

Mandy-Jane
06-02-2008, 03:59 PM
That's the spirit, Mandy! Now, don't you feel better? :)

I do! I could get to like this!

Liam Jackson
06-02-2008, 04:03 PM
I'm an angel. :2angel:
Another fibber! Repent!:Soapbox:
(okay, so don't repent. Just confess. Big...sloppy...juicey...confessions)

Elaine Margarett
06-02-2008, 04:22 PM
*
Next? Confession is good for the soul. Or not.

Um...well, here's one...

Carved my sister's initials in my mother's antique pie-crust table top. Unfortunately, I understimated the amount of Mom's rage AND the fact that my brother (who did nothing to me at the time) has the same initials. Since neither would *fess up* both were punished; big time.

What can I say, it was a two-fer...

EM

Haggis
06-02-2008, 04:23 PM
Ye evil bastid!
Did they call out the local Hazmat team to clean up the "spill?"

I have no idea. I was running too fast.

Oh. I forgot to tell you about the time I put the tack on the substitute teacher's chair. She'd left the room to report us to the principal because we were having a snowball fight. In the room.

poetinahat
06-02-2008, 04:36 PM
*rated PG for lameness and Eighties references*

College roommate was using my stereo to make driving tapes for spring break (somebody explain to the youths what cassette tapes and LP's are - thanks). He stepped out for a few.

He was taping 'Forever Now' by Psychedelic Furs - fine stuff, btw. I sped it up, slowed it down, ground it to a halt, so he'd think the player was eating his tape. Then I inserted - at normal speed - his Nemesis song.

Rubber Rodeo performing "Jolene".

He didn't find out until somewhere on the Merritt Parkway.

It was good for big laughs on the first day back.

Guess you had to be there.

cray
06-02-2008, 04:49 PM
my name is earl

SPMiller
06-02-2008, 04:52 PM
I've broken a lot of hearts.

Ouch. Maybe hit a bit too close to home. Still, glad to get it off my chest.

SPMiller
06-02-2008, 04:57 PM
Just because of that, I think I'll have to post in the Drunk Thread soon.

HeronW
06-02-2008, 05:18 PM
I torment my cats by taking out their nose boogers instead of letting them escape/fall out.

I flushed a goldfish that was still 1/10th alive instead of letting him/her die peacefully in the tank and pollute the water for the other fish.

2 years ago, I didn't notice another fish had died until I cleaned the tank and saw the bones in the gravel.

johnnysannie
06-02-2008, 05:49 PM
In college, I wrote the address of some guy friends' bachelor apartment on the classroom chalkboard saying that class would meet there....professor got mad, thought sure the guys did it and I never confessed till now.

When I started dating my now husband, I called up his mom and pretended to be doing a survey to find out some stuff about his family I wanted to know, just being nosy.

When I was dating my husband, I came over to his house before he got home (and had a key by this point) and one of his ex-girlfriends called, left a message on the answering machine. I thought about it for about two seconds and then erased the message, figuring all's fair in love and war. Evenutally did tell him about that - about five years into our marriage!

Oh, and once when we sold an old cook stove, the young girl who bought it wrote a hot check. I was so mad that I called the bank and used the automated system to change her PIN number. And called her to threaten to pay up or I would send it to the prosecuting attorney!

Just a few of my less than sterling moments - and yes, I can be a little onery!

MidnightMuse
06-02-2008, 06:28 PM
I once started a sentence with "And". It was back in the third grade, I was young and inexperienced.

And I regret it.

Jersey Chick
06-02-2008, 06:33 PM
Ahem... when I was sixteen, my best friend moved to Florida. My other friends and I thought it'd be great if she had the street sign to take with her. We tried to steal it.

Unfortunately, we'd neglected to bring tools of any kind. So, one of the guys figured he'd shimmy up the pole and work his way from one end of the sign to the other - thought the back and forth would weaken the steel and the sign would break off.

Did this for nearly an hour until his arms gave out. The sign never did anything but tilt at about a 45 degree angle from one side to the other.

We gave up. This was the summer of 1988. The township finally replaced the sign about 5 years ago. I mentioned something to my mom about it not too long ago and she said, "You know, I always wondered how that sign got bent that way."

Statute of limitations expired, so I confessed. :D

And then there was the day her family moved - we broke into the house after they left (just to hang out and be bummed), and got caught by the new owners.

Kitrianna
06-02-2008, 06:39 PM
I just offended some girl because I was possibly (I can't hear myself cause I got the mp3 player on) giggling too hard/loudly at Liam's confessions. Other than that, I got nothing. I'm a good little girl...honest!

Joycecwilliams
06-02-2008, 06:47 PM
In my 4th grade classroom, I melted crayons all over the radiator (next to my desk).

I liked getting spankings.

I cheated on my ex husband.

I had two pieces of cake yesterday.

Kitrianna
06-02-2008, 06:48 PM
Liking spankings is a good thing. I always threaten to charge the hubs with spousal abuse whenever he threatens to cut my daily spankings off.

HeronW
06-02-2008, 07:07 PM
My cats like to be spanked, esp. the younger one. I stop and she miaous for more. I'm a bad mommy if I don't spank her.

Joycecwilliams
06-02-2008, 07:11 PM
Liking spankings is a good thing. I always threaten to charge the hubs with spousal abuse whenever he threatens to cut my daily spankings off.

Yeah, I totally get that.

Joycecwilliams
06-02-2008, 07:13 PM
My cats like to be spanked, esp. the younger one. I stop and she miaous for more. I'm a bad mommy if I don't spank her.

Wow does she like to be tied up too?.... only kidding..

That is unusual..

Kitrianna
06-02-2008, 07:13 PM
Yeah, I totally get that.

Happy to help out.

Joycecwilliams
06-02-2008, 07:15 PM
I tossed a water balloon through an open bus window. But the balloon wasn't filled with water. And that's all I'm saying about that.

I didn't realize that dogs had that good of an aim... holding the balloon while, ya know.. You are one talented doggie.

zahra
06-02-2008, 11:30 PM
I once started a sentence with "And". It was back in the third grade, I was young and inexperienced.

And I regret it.
I once started a story with a sentence in parentheses. How I ever had the energy to be THAT pretentious, I'll never know.

Snogged a bloke who wasn't mine.

Regularly 'hire' clothes from shops (ie, take em back the next day). On my birthday once, I 'hired' a Gucci watch.

Visited my boyfriend at work in the AV room (we worked on a cruise ship) and um, gave him some sugar, shall we say.

Mom'sWrite
06-02-2008, 11:49 PM
I ate all the cream out of the Oreos and put the cookie part back. Yeah, it was me. I did it and I'm glad I did it.

I stole a case of beer out of my grandma's basement. Found out that 10 year old beer tastes real bad.

Told my grandma that it would be fine with the principal if she put beer in my lunchbox. Made sure that the beer was of a newer vintage first.

For the 6 years straight I claimed to be at the library, I wasn't.

I made up all kinds of nasty sins to tell the priest during confession. I don't think he believed me about the bank robbing.

I doodled with a red ball point pen all over my sleeping sister's face. I made her look like the Samoan warrior I saw in National Geographic. It was cool. Mom and Dad didn't agree.

Liam Jackson
06-02-2008, 11:56 PM
Rejoice my siblings-in-sin!
Purging the spirit does a body good!

(Zahra, I don't suppose you have a video or pics of the sugar session?)

Cranky
06-03-2008, 12:01 AM
I once made my younger brothers hold up a blanket while I shot arrows at it. Brothers were thrilled, parents were...not.

I shoplifted a brownie once and got busted. $50 brownies turned me off from my life of crime early.

I got into a fight with my best friend in junior high. My answer to her nasty-gram was to correct her spelling and grammar...in red ink. Then gave it to her.

Liam Jackson
06-03-2008, 12:22 AM
I once made my younger brothers hold up a blanket while I shot arrows at it. Brothers were thrilled, parents were...not.

I shoplifted a brownie once and got busted. $50 brownies turned me off from my life of crime early.

I got into a fight with my best friend in junior high. My answer to her nasty-gram was to correct her spelling and grammar...in red ink. Then gave it to her.

Snarky little bugger!

Cranky
06-03-2008, 12:37 AM
Yup. I still haven't outgrown it, though. Permanent personality trait, I'm afraid. :D

rhymegirl
06-03-2008, 12:38 AM
Another fibber! Repent!:Soapbox:
(okay, so don't repent. Just confess. Big...sloppy...juicey...confessions)

But Liam...I really am an angel.

KTC
06-03-2008, 12:40 AM
*rated PG for lameness and Eighties references*

College roommate was using my stereo to make driving tapes for spring break (somebody explain to the youths what cassette tapes and LP's are - thanks). He stepped out for a few.

He was taping 'Forever Now' by Psychedelic Furs - fine stuff, btw. I sped it up, slowed it down, ground it to a halt, so he'd think the player was eating his tape. Then I inserted - at normal speed - his Nemesis song.

Rubber Rodeo performing "Jolene".

He didn't find out until somewhere on the Merritt Parkway.

It was good for big laughs on the first day back.

Guess you had to be there.


Holy Christ, that was funny! I think I was there.

Unique
06-03-2008, 12:56 AM
Way back in the yonder days.... people always wanted to 'help' me eat my lunch. Since I was such a good friend, I always 'let' them.

Until one day ... I decided to be extra generous and make extra.
Cat food sammiches and ExLax brownies. Oi. Funny. No one ever asked for a bite after that.

Sometimes I serve Southerners tea with no sugar - by accident! I swear!

And the rest ... aw, use your imagination.

TerzaRima
06-03-2008, 01:29 AM
I convinced all my friends that the young Janet Reno was the original model for the Morton Salt Girl.

Back in college, a group of us went out drinking after the chemistry final. The (sadistic, misogynist) Japanese TA, with limited English, went along for the ride and was trying to hit on a woman. I told him that American women really respond to the pickup line, "I'm into leather", which he then used with predictable results.

soleary
06-03-2008, 01:38 AM
I collected 10 Sunday newspapers, purchased 6 rolls of Saran Wrap and went to the office. I used the Saran wrap to form a "wall", sealing off a colleague's 12 ft tall cubicle. Then, with the help of others, we balled up newspaper and threw it over the wall. After some time and a lot of effort, we filled the cubicle completely. We put a sign on the cube which read, "We put the F-U in F-U-N" along with our department name. It took the poor bastard victim 2 hours to find his desk when he came back from vacation.
Hee hee hee

StephanieFox
06-03-2008, 02:22 AM
I arranged to send a person who had done me wrong, boxes of lime JELL-O mix wrapped in plain brown paper, from all over the world with no note and no return address.

Tee-hee-hee.

Kate Thornton
06-03-2008, 02:27 AM
A person who done me wrong had a lovely sailboat. Do you know, if the DEA takes your boat apart to look for stuff, they don't put it back together again.

Liam Jackson
06-03-2008, 02:34 AM
A person who done me wrong had a lovely sailboat. Do you know, if the DEA takes your boat apart to look for stuff, they don't put it back together again.
As a matter of fact, I do know that. Kudos for such a spectacular offense, my evil sister.

(Was the boat white with blue fin stripes, and dark blue lettering on the port bow?)

Kate Thornton
06-05-2008, 06:19 PM
I can say no more...

maestrowork
06-05-2008, 06:23 PM
Gave Ray Wong a wedgie. He liked it. I never did it again.


I saw this.

You're also a big FAAAAAAT Liar. I hate you.

MOM!

James81
06-05-2008, 06:24 PM
I've been trying to convice my brother to fill his neighbor's (who is a huge b**tch) pool with hamburger meat, but he won't do it.

maestrowork
06-05-2008, 06:24 PM
BTW, if I listed my confessions, it'd be as long as the House of Love thread.

Not going to happen.

Just pretend I'm a saint.

StoryG27
06-05-2008, 06:37 PM
It was me! I got into the box of chocolate covered cherries just before Christmas 1988. Yes, I know my brother was blamed and my oldest sister (her candy) really laid into him and called him a liar for not confessing and my other brother had his suspicions it was me but was decent enough not to out right accuse me. It caused the whole Christmas to go to shit. . .And it was ME! Sorry. Really, I am.

icerose
06-05-2008, 06:44 PM
Probably the worst thing I ever did to one of my sisters and I didn't even do it on purpose.

My sister asked me for a drink of water. I was probably four or five at the time. I came back in with a glass of water. She took a sip.

"Wow this is really cold, where did you get it from?"

"The toilet."

"Sara! Why did you get water from the toilet?"

"I couldn't reach the sink."

Strangely enough I didn't get asked to get another drink for anyone for quite some time.

Stacia Kane
06-05-2008, 07:21 PM
I've cheated on several boyfriends

My husband was married when we started dating (yeah, in name only for real--I knew his wife--but still)

In high school, I and several of my friends stole the Christian Slater from the "Mobsters" standee at a movie theatre nearby

By the end of third quarter my senior year, I'd missed 289 classes

When a friend of mine was passed out drunk one night on South Beach, I tried to sell him for pot

I once threw a pair of scissors at my brother (I actually am horrified at this one now). And another time I hit him over the head with a large metal spoon

StoryG27
06-05-2008, 07:31 PM
My bff and I used to sneak packs of cigs from her parents who both bought them by the carton, then sit up in her room smoking and feeling terribly guilty while we listened to them fight and accuse the other of swiping their cigarettes.

aka eraser
06-05-2008, 07:39 PM
My then-4-year-old sister had long, wavy hair. She disliked having it brushed and be-ribboned though, and wanted it cut. As her 5 1/2-year-old brother, I couldn't allow her to use scissors on herself so I cut off her hair for her. She was pleased. Mom, not so much.

A year or so earlier, my folks were painting the basement wreck room a lovely shade of green and had taken a break. (Possibly to create brother Karl.) Actually, I had no idea where they went - just that the paint and brushes were left unguarded. Not wanting to bother them and smart enough to realize they'd notice any handiwork of mine in the basement, I took the paint and brush outside.

Well, it turns out they noticed the job I did on the bricks, veranda and car anyway.

But for most of the following 50 years, I pretty much behaved.

Ish.

;)

Liam Jackson
06-05-2008, 08:10 PM
BTW, if I listed my confessions, it'd be as long as the House of Love thread.

Not going to happen.

Just pretend I'm a saint.
That much pretention is beyond my considerable capacity, knave.

rhymegirl
06-05-2008, 08:20 PM
Ray and I: St. Ray and St. Kathryne

Liam Jackson
06-05-2008, 08:25 PM
Ray and I: St. Ray and St. Kathryne

Two biggest fibbers in the entire AW multiverse.
http://www.crazy4cartoons.com/images/Heckle_&_Jeckle.jpg
Saints Ray and Kathryne

rhymegirl
06-05-2008, 08:32 PM
http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j80/rhymegirl/handj.jpg

That's only when we go on stage.

StoryG27
06-05-2008, 08:36 PM
AKA, that is flippin' hilarious. Your poor parents! I love it. :D

Tink
06-05-2008, 09:16 PM
Well there was this one time that I, I uhh, well I--- $H!#, I can't think of anything...I must have been a good little girl. :D

StoryG27
06-05-2008, 09:29 PM
I remember my brother calling me into his room to show me this neat trick he could do with a knife. He threw the knife up in the air, end over end, and then it came down and landed point-down in his boot and sticking in his toe.

I looked at him and said, "Was that the trick?"

He shook his head. "No, all the other times I caught the knife."

"Oh. What do we do now?"

I think I might have been 12, he was 15ish, both old enough to know better.

"I guess pull it out."

Being the good lil' sister, I did. We took off his boot and blood went everywhere. We cleaned the wound, put it together with butterfly band-aids then tried to clean up the blood. Wasn't coming out. So we thought of another idea. Then when my mom came home and asked if I might know why my brother's desk was now in the middle of his room, I said I had no clue. On his birthday, which was just a week or so after this, my mom also couldn't figure out why he was so genuinely excited to get a small decorative rug from me. She never knew about the stain until my brother moved out. Hehe.

SPMiller
06-05-2008, 09:50 PM
Somehow, being "old enough to know better" doesn't stop me from doing stupid shit.

Fingers
06-05-2008, 10:50 PM
Lets see... Helped my mom and dad out one time by filling the underground oil tank and the gas tank in my dads car with water when I was around four. My mom and dad had bought a bedroom set. My brother and I were 2 and 4 and we modified the wood dresser with butcher knives. On my mom and dads 25th anniversary we filled their bed with broken crackers, put the bed up on three inch blocks that were sawed in half so that when they went to um, express their love for each other, the bed would collapse.
I could go on, but like some others here, it would fill many pages.

yer pal Brian

writerterri
06-05-2008, 10:59 PM
I drove over a penis a group of teen boys made out of snow, complete with testies and a pee hole. Some piece of art it was. They put it in the middle of the street then hid and watched as people drove by getting a look at the two foot long dream team member. I thought it was a snow man upon first glance. I drove by and noticed the boys looking at me. I drove up the street and turned around then ran it down at slow speed, squashed it to slush. I turned back around, looked over at the teens and gave them a thumbs up and drove off. The picture I could have taken of them looking back at me would have been priceless. Get used to it boys.


*grinning*

Kate Thornton
06-06-2008, 02:09 AM
Get used to it boys.
*grinning*

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

NeuroFizz
06-06-2008, 03:48 AM
Played mumbelty-peg with a toad that happened to hop to the wrong place at the wrong time. Threw the bloody corpse over the neighbor's fence.

Overheard my parents conversation about a neighbor kid, Bennie H., with phrases like "kid isn't right" and "probably end up in jail." Every bit of neighborhood damage/subterfuge we did after that was blamed on Bennie H. (with great success).

Hated my parents' form of torture in my early years--making me eat green veggies. At a relatively formal dinner invite at friends of my parents (kids eating in the other room at the "kids table") I went in to the big table and exclamed how great the green beans were, asking for the bowl for a second helping. With great parental praise puffing my chest, I went back to the kids table, scraped the green beans from my plate back into the bowl, and returned the bowl to the big table and another round of parental gushing.

Haggis
06-06-2008, 04:46 AM
I drove over a penis a group of teen boys made out of snow, complete with testies and a pee hole. Some piece of art it was. They put it in the middle of the street then hid and watched as people drove by getting a look at the two foot long dream team member. I thought it was a snow man upon first glance. I drove by and noticed the boys looking at me. I drove up the street and turned around then ran it down at slow speed, squashed it to slush. I turned back around, looked over at the teens and gave them a thumbs up and drove off. The picture I could have taken of them looking back at me would have been priceless. Get used to it boys.


*grinning*

Now I know why you've always frightened me.


Played mumbelty-peg with a toad that happened to hop to the wrong place at the wrong time. Threw the bloody corpse over the neighbor's fence.

Overheard my parents conversation about a neighbor kid, Bennie H., with phrases like "kid isn't right" and "probably end up in jail." Every bit of neighborhood damage/subterfuge we did after that was blamed on Bennie H. (with great success).

Hated my parents' form of torture in my early years--making me eat green veggies. At a relatively formal dinner invite at friends of my parents (kids eating in the other room at the "kids table") I went in to the big table and exclamed how great the green beans were, asking for the bowl for a second helping. With great parental praise puffing my chest, I went back to the kids table, scraped the green beans from my plate back into the bowl, and returned the bowl to the big table and another round of parental gushing.

Why couldn't I think of that when the folks brought out asparagus?

StoryG27
06-06-2008, 05:06 AM
I drove over a penis a group of teen boys made out of snow, complete with testies and a pee hole. Some piece of art it was. They put it in the middle of the street then hid and watched as people drove by getting a look at the two foot long dream team member. I thought it was a snow man upon first glance. I drove by and noticed the boys looking at me. I drove up the street and turned around then ran it down at slow speed, squashed it to slush. I turned back around, looked over at the teens and gave them a thumbs up and drove off. The picture I could have taken of them looking back at me would have been priceless. Get used to it boys.


*grinning*
Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Liam Jackson
06-06-2008, 11:29 AM
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Hero...Nightmare. Small matter of semantics, methinks.


I drove over a penis...
I got this far and my mind vapor-locked.

writerterri
06-06-2008, 10:28 PM
Hero...Nightmare. Small matter of semantics, methinks.


I got this far and my mind vapor-locked.


Shucks! It was a great story. *blink blink*