"Dear Abby"

Melisande said:

Thought it could be fun with a "Dear Abby" exercise.

Simple rules, one asks the "Dear Abby" question, the next answers it and writes a new question. Nothing in this exercise need have any connection with reality, of course.

The more outrageous questions and answers, the more fun, don't you agree?

I'll start;

"Dear Abby,
My problem is this; I suffer from severe acne on my buttocks. It's a problem for me to try and pop'em, as I weigh over 300 lbs. What can you advice me?"

Click to expand...

Dear Butt-rash,
...thumbtacks. Sit on 'em!


My question, (with apologies to John Prine)

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me It's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed Noise-maker

Dear Noise-Maker;
Try to ascertain what causes the noise. If your stomach growls because you are hungry, have a pizza before the date. If it rumbles because of what you ate, either change your diet or fast before you go out.

Alternatively, you could put a cheerful face on it and say, "Aren't you glad it's not a fart...yet."

#

Dear Abby,
I have a problem with my pet turtle, it sings loudly at night and I can't sleep. What can I do?
Yours truly,
Not Crazy

Matera the Mad said:

Dear Abby,
I have a problem with my pet turtle, it sings loudly at night and I can't sleep. What can I do?
Yours truly,
Not Crazy

Click to expand...

dear not crazy,

if your turtle is good enough, you should audition it for american idol.

at the very least, it will be away for a few days while making it to the "worst of the worst" reel and, at best, it might advance far enough to get a record contract, of which you could then reap the rewards, as it's a scientific fact that turtles are genetically horrible at managing their money.

if you don't feel it's worth it to push your pet into the limelight, might i suggest this?

#

dear abby,

hypothetically speaking, what's the best way to dispose of a body? please note, it's dressed as a circus clown.

- bad sense of humor

Meerkat said:

Dear you're-a-bad,-bad-man,

You have already done half of the work, dressing it as you did. Now, stuff that bad boy into the back seat of one of those "fall-apart" volkswagens or morris minis at the circus that just happens to be in your town of.... Hell, Texas.... (hmmmm....) and when the rest of the annoying clowns pop out and the car unfolds, all the children will see the dead one, cry, and learn a valuable lesson: do not cram more than twelve people into a volkswagen.


Dear Abbey,

How can I tell my family that I've been addicted to goofing off on AW for almost two years now, time that I could have better devoted to listening to their tiresome stories or earning valuable promotions at work?

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Dear Goof-off,
What they don't know can't hurt them, but should you decide to divulge your seedy secret, please visit the local Chapter of AW'ers Twitchers in your town. Or call Nation wide 1.AWS.TWI -TCHR for your nearest chapter.

Dear Abby,
Help. My neighbor picks my daiseys.

Dear Abby,
Help. My neighbor picks my daisies.


Next year, grow your dammed daisies on the other side of your house. Get a big, muscular dog and anytime your neighbor skulks around to the daisy side of the house, release the hound. – Love, Abby


Dear Abby,
My neighbor has two small blond children who she constantly shows off, dressing them up in adorable clothes and teaching them to spout witty comments. I hate kids. What should I do when she wants me to respond to their cute comments?

StephanieFox said:

Dear Abby,
My neighbor has two small blond children who she constantly shows off, dressing them up in adorable clothes and teaching them to spout witty comments. I hate kids. What should I do when she wants me to respond to their cute comments?

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Dear Sickofcute,

Get a dog and teach it to chase kids.


Dear Abby,
Perhaps you can help me. I have three husbands and it's becoming a real problem. One lives in Boston, one's in London, and one's in L.A. I'm exhausted trying to fly all over the place and I think they're getting suspicious. What should I do?

Sign me: Three's a Crowd

Dear Three's a Crowd,

Oh my, three is too many. What you need to do is clear out the bank accounts, use your frequent flyer miles and fly to the Bahamas, hook up with random boy toys, and enjoy.

Oh, and stay away from the altar!

***

Dear Abby -

I'm in love with a monkey. What should I do?

Sign me: Monkey See

Dear MonkeyDoo,

Just tell Robeaie how you feel. He's very articulate for a lesser primate. And there's joy to be had in the jungle. Don't ask me how I know this.

****

Dear Abby,

There is a constant ringing in my ears. I don't mind it so much, but my family is starting to complain. How do I keep the peace?

Signed,

DingDong

Dear Ding-a-ling,
It's time to take off the jingle-bell headband from Christmas for pete's sake. Try a nice dog-slobbered daisy crown from your neighbor's yard.

****

Dear Abby,
My husband is starting to get suspicious that our children aren't his. How can I cover up my little secrets?

Dear "little secrets",
Have you tried on Victoria's?

#

Dear Abby,
My hubby is always on the computer and I have to wait until he goes to bed to play WOW. I've tried to talk him into getting a second computer, but he said he won't do that until he can get one that will cook dinner. Which one of us is expecting too much?
sINC3R3Ly,
GamebroaD

dEAR GamebroaD
the computer can't be very comfortable, try buying him a chair instead and he can be on that while you play your game. as for dinner, Safeway usually has a frozen dinner stock up sale this time of year.

***
Dear Abby,
when I was young, I got a tattoo that read BubbaBustMyCherry, wrapped around two cherries, across my chest. I want to cover it up, since I don't like boys anymore. what should I do?

-BustedCherry

dear Abby, since you took so long to help me, I decided what to do- I changed the tat to read 'Abby dissed me'

Dear Busted:
If I really did, you would know it.

#

Dear Abby,
I have a smler prblm to teh one abve but my ttoo is on my fingwrs. cusof the tttoo my fgnres are stiff and i cant tpye ewll. do u no of ani xrcies that mitgh hpl?
urs
althums

Matera the Mad said:

Dear Busted:
If I really did, you would know it.

#

Dear Abby,
I have a smler prblm to teh one abve but my ttoo is on my fingwrs. cusof the tttoo my fgnres are stiff and i cant tpye ewll. do u no of ani xrcies that mitgh hpl?
urs
althums

Click to expand...

Dear All Thumbs,
Lace your fingers together, pointing them toward your palms. Move index fingers outward, forming a triange, then open your hands with the fingers still laced together and wiggle them. "Here's the chuch. Here's the steeple. Open the doors, and there the people."
Abby

Dear Abby,
I have trouble sleeping. I have some "sleep-in-a-bottle" next to my bed, but the cold water required to send the pills down makes me even more awake. Any suggestions.
Eyes Wide Open

Dear Four-Poster,

I tell people that Sleep-in-a-bottle should always be taken as a suppository. It may not help you sleep, but just before you "administer the dose", you're bound to think of a much better way to fall asleep. Or a very good reason to stay up all night.

Grins,

Abby

---------

Dear Abby,

I live in a shoe. I have so many children, I don't know what to do.

I'm finding it difficult to date, since men are sooooo shallow that they can't see past my ancient age, surreal living arrangements, and large, clinging brood.

Any ideas, dear? What's your secret - how do you keep hunks on tap?

Sincerely,

Wanton Moore.

Dear Wanton Moore

Forget the men and buy a rabbit viberator.

You don't need anymore kids.

You don't have to get dressed up.

And men have stopped pumping gas and taking out the garbage.. so why would you need one?

The rabbitt won't care about your wrinkles, your house or anything else.. Just get a lot of batteries..

************

Dear Abbey:

My best friend from high school friend is cheating on her husband with an alien.

It bothers me that when she goes out with her lover, that she tells her husband she is
with me.

Sure she shows me all the neat pictures of the galaxies but I don't want to be a partner to her out of the world romance...

What should I do?

Ema Stelleler

Dear Ema Stelleler,
Is her husband sexy?

#

Dear Abby,
I have three children by three different men. Sometimes I forget which one is from which. Do you think it would be all right if I told the kids to call all of them "Daddy"???
Yours,
Triangula

Dear Triangula,

Your kids are already confused, so there's no need to add to their anxiety. I would recommend that you first have blood tests done to determine which kid belongs to which father. Then, once that's sorted out, sew matching name tags for each child and father on their clothing - color-coded, if you prefer, and neither you, the fathers or the children will ever be confused again. One question you haven't asked, is what your children should call you. May I suggest 'trollop' ?

Abby


..............................................................................................................

Dear Abby,

Since childhood I've had a terrible fear of vampires breaking into my bedroom and attacking me. I've tried everything to calm my nerves - garlic and wolfbane hanging from the window, a silver crucifix and wooden stake sitting on my night table - but nothing seems to assuage my fears. Do you have any suggestions?

Terrified in Transylvania

Dear Terrified in Transylvania,
It sounds like you are suffering from location stress. Perhaps you should consider a move. In Haiti, for instance, you would only have to worry about zombies. Any coastal habitat could vary your challenges with silkies and merpeople, with a few sharks now and then. You might consider some nice spots in the US -- I hear that the Lake Michigan shore is frequented by an alien creature called the Dune Roller. So you see, no matter where you go, life can be interesting. There's no need to get stuck in a boring routine with the same old charms and anti-hexes over and over.
Abby

#

Dear Abby,
Could you please give me some advice about my teenage daughter, she thinks that she wants to be a writer. I had so hoped she would grow up to be a good housewife, but she is more concerned with things like "participial phrases" -- whatever they are! than with what brand of fabric softener is best.
Thank you,
Mildred Mindless

Dear Mildred Mindless,

Every parent wants the best for their children, and it's not uncommon for a mother or father to worry or disapprove of their children's interests or career choices. But it is also important to remember that your daughter is a separate individual, with her own abilities, dreams and aspirations. And just because you've chosen to become a Stepford wife, with little imagination or ambition beyond the quest for a better oven cleaner, there's no reason why she should follow in your empty, soulless and vapid footsteps. If she wants to be a writer, let her find her own path and write one rejected manuscript after another and end up alone and penniless if that's her choice. Just don't judge her.


deer Aby,

hi. im a tenager and its like im sorta shy and stuff. maybe its cuz uv my zits. i dunno. dya think im gay or sumthing? your really old so its like maybe your not kewl or hate dudes or somthin. shood i i stop smokin weed even thouhg its awesome?

f***ed up in fresno

Dear F***ed Up in Fresno,

First of all put down the bong! It is perfectly normal for teenagers to question their sexuality, and have pimples. However one does not have anything to do with the other. For the pimples or "zits" as you crazy teenagers say, I would recommend "Proactiv" of TV infomercial fame. If it works on Jessica Simpson it will work on you, but beware your zits will get better before they get worse.

As for questioning your sexuality...if it feels good, go with it...as long as all over your partners are over 18.


#

Dear Abby,
I was recently fired for being drunk on the job (which isn't fair since I wasn't even drunk that day). How do I go about asking my former employer for a letter of reference?

Signed,
Tanked on Tuesdays

Bertha Babette said:

Dear Abby,
I was recently fired for being drunk on the job (which isn't fair since I wasn't even drunk that day). How do I go about asking my former employer for a letter of reference?

Signed,
Tanked on Tuesdays

Click to expand...

Easy. Take your old boss out, get him tanked, and get him to write you the reference there and then.

Dear Abby,

My big toe has gone numb and I can't wiggle it suggestively at my hubby any more. What to do?

Yours

Mrs Toe

Dear Mrs. Toe-tally without imagination, go to fetishesrusdotcom and search for extensions, there are many realisic battery operated digits available for your husband's pleasure.

Deer Abby, I am married to a taxidermist and we have heads hanging everywhere, even over my bed. those big doey eyes stare at us while we make love, and I find I cannot get aroused, makes me feel creepy. what can I do?
-Doe-eyed and shy

Dear Doe-eyed and shy,
If you can't keep your eyes closed, try turning off the lights.
Abby

#

Dear Abby,
I am a writer with a very creative, soul. In a forum, I joined recently, I offerred some of my finest work for the edification of the poor souls who are atemppting to better they're craft. Sevaral of the memebers we're very rude to me. Do you think, I should, flounce and see if they treat me better? or just flame themn back?
Yours,
Mary Sue Blatherall