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Melisande
05-31-2008, 03:36 AM
Thought it could be fun with a "Dear Abby" exercise.

Simple rules, one asks the "Dear Abby" question, the next answers it and writes a new question. Nothing in this exercise need have any connection with reality, of course.

The more outrageous questions and answers, the more fun, don't you agree?

I'll start;

"Dear Abby,
My problem is this; I suffer from severe acne on my buttocks. It's a problem for me to try and pop'em, as I weigh over 300 lbs. What can you advice me?"

DWSTXS
05-31-2008, 03:57 AM
Thought it could be fun with a "Dear Abby" exercise.

Simple rules, one asks the "Dear Abby" question, the next answers it and writes a new question. Nothing in this exercise need have any connection with reality, of course.

The more outrageous questions and answers, the more fun, don't you agree?

I'll start;

"Dear Abby,
My problem is this; I suffer from severe acne on my buttocks. It's a problem for me to try and pop'em, as I weigh over 300 lbs. What can you advice me?"

Dear Butt-rash,
...thumbtacks. Sit on 'em!


My question, (with apologies to John Prine)

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me It's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed Noise-maker

Matera the Mad
05-31-2008, 04:25 AM
Dear Noise-Maker;
Try to ascertain what causes the noise. If your stomach growls because you are hungry, have a pizza before the date. If it rumbles because of what you ate, either change your diet or fast before you go out.

Alternatively, you could put a cheerful face on it and say, "Aren't you glad it's not a fart...yet."

#

Dear Abby,
I have a problem with my pet turtle, it sings loudly at night and I can't sleep. What can I do?
Yours truly,
Not Crazy

William Haskins
05-31-2008, 04:32 AM
Dear Abby,
I have a problem with my pet turtle, it sings loudly at night and I can't sleep. What can I do?
Yours truly,
Not Crazy

dear not crazy,

if your turtle is good enough, you should audition it for american idol.

at the very least, it will be away for a few days while making it to the "worst of the worst" reel and, at best, it might advance far enough to get a record contract, of which you could then reap the rewards, as it's a scientific fact that turtles are genetically horrible at managing their money.

if you don't feel it's worth it to push your pet into the limelight, might i suggest this (http://www.grouprecipes.com/1221/turtle-stew.html)?

#

dear abby,

hypothetically speaking, what's the best way to dispose of a body? please note, it's dressed as a circus clown.

- bad sense of humor

Little Red Barn
05-31-2008, 05:21 AM
Dear you're-a-bad,-bad-man,

You have already done half of the work, dressing it as you did. Now, stuff that bad boy into the back seat of one of those "fall-apart" volkswagens or morris minis at the circus that just happens to be in your town of.... Hell, Texas.... (hmmmm....) and when the rest of the annoying clowns pop out and the car unfolds, all the children will see the dead one, cry, and learn a valuable lesson: do not cram more than twelve people into a volkswagen.


Dear Abbey,

How can I tell my family that I've been addicted to goofing off on AW for almost two years now, time that I could have better devoted to listening to their tiresome stories or earning valuable promotions at work?
Dear Goof-off,
What they don't know can't hurt them, but should you decide to divulge your seedy secret, please visit the local Chapter of AW'ers Twitchers in your town. Or call Nation wide 1.AWS.TWI -TCHR for your nearest chapter.

Dear Abby,
Help. My neighbor picks my daiseys.

StephanieFox
05-31-2008, 07:52 AM
Dear Abby,
Help. My neighbor picks my daisies.


Next year, grow your dammed daisies on the other side of your house. Get a big, muscular dog and anytime your neighbor skulks around to the daisy side of the house, release the hound. – Love, Abby


Dear Abby,
My neighbor has two small blond children who she constantly shows off, dressing them up in adorable clothes and teaching them to spout witty comments. I hate kids. What should I do when she wants me to respond to their cute comments?

rhymegirl
05-31-2008, 08:32 AM
Dear Abby,
My neighbor has two small blond children who she constantly shows off, dressing them up in adorable clothes and teaching them to spout witty comments. I hate kids. What should I do when she wants me to respond to their cute comments?

Dear Sickofcute,

Get a dog and teach it to chase kids.


Dear Abby,
Perhaps you can help me. I have three husbands and it's becoming a real problem. One lives in Boston, one's in London, and one's in L.A. I'm exhausted trying to fly all over the place and I think they're getting suspicious. What should I do?

Sign me: Three's a Crowd

dahmnait
05-31-2008, 05:33 PM
Dear Three's a Crowd,

Oh my, three is too many. What you need to do is clear out the bank accounts, use your frequent flyer miles and fly to the Bahamas, hook up with random boy toys, and enjoy.

Oh, and stay away from the altar!

***

Dear Abby -

I'm in love with a monkey. What should I do?

Sign me: Monkey See

Perks
05-31-2008, 06:23 PM
Dear MonkeyDoo,

Just tell Robeaie how you feel. He's very articulate for a lesser primate. And there's joy to be had in the jungle. Don't ask me how I know this.

****

Dear Abby,

There is a constant ringing in my ears. I don't mind it so much, but my family is starting to complain. How do I keep the peace?

Signed,

DingDong

wyntermoon
05-31-2008, 06:40 PM
Dear Ding-a-ling,
It's time to take off the jingle-bell headband from Christmas for pete's sake. Try a nice dog-slobbered daisy crown from your neighbor's yard.

****

Dear Abby,
My husband is starting to get suspicious that our children aren't his. How can I cover up my little secrets?

Matera the Mad
06-01-2008, 03:42 AM
Dear "little secrets",
Have you tried on Victoria's?

#

Dear Abby,
My hubby is always on the computer and I have to wait until he goes to bed to play WOW. I've tried to talk him into getting a second computer, but he said he won't do that until he can get one that will cook dinner. Which one of us is expecting too much?
sINC3R3Ly,
GamebroaD

P.H.Delarran
06-01-2008, 05:42 AM
dEAR GamebroaD
the computer can't be very comfortable, try buying him a chair instead and he can be on that while you play your game. as for dinner, Safeway usually has a frozen dinner stock up sale this time of year.

***
Dear Abby,
when I was young, I got a tattoo that read BubbaBustMyCherry, wrapped around two cherries, across my chest. I want to cover it up, since I don't like boys anymore. what should I do?

-BustedCherry

P.H.Delarran
06-02-2008, 07:25 AM
dear Abby, since you took so long to help me, I decided what to do- I changed the tat to read 'Abby dissed me'

Matera the Mad
06-02-2008, 08:39 AM
Dear Busted:
If I really did, you would know it.

#

Dear Abby,
I have a smler prblm to teh one abve but my ttoo is on my fingwrs. cusof the tttoo my fgnres are stiff and i cant tpye ewll. do u no of ani xrcies that mitgh hpl?
urs
althums

Appalachian Writer
06-02-2008, 09:02 AM
Dear Busted:
If I really did, you would know it.

#

Dear Abby,
I have a smler prblm to teh one abve but my ttoo is on my fingwrs. cusof the tttoo my fgnres are stiff and i cant tpye ewll. do u no of ani xrcies that mitgh hpl?
urs
althums

Dear All Thumbs,
Lace your fingers together, pointing them toward your palms. Move index fingers outward, forming a triange, then open your hands with the fingers still laced together and wiggle them. "Here's the chuch. Here's the steeple. Open the doors, and there the people."
Abby

Dear Abby,
I have trouble sleeping. I have some "sleep-in-a-bottle" next to my bed, but the cold water required to send the pills down makes me even more awake. Any suggestions.
Eyes Wide Open

poetinahat
06-02-2008, 09:25 AM
Dear Four-Poster,

I tell people that Sleep-in-a-bottle should always be taken as a suppository. It may not help you sleep, but just before you "administer the dose", you're bound to think of a much better way to fall asleep. Or a very good reason to stay up all night.

Grins,

Abby

---------

Dear Abby,

I live in a shoe. I have so many children, I don't know what to do.

I'm finding it difficult to date, since men are sooooo shallow that they can't see past my ancient age, surreal living arrangements, and large, clinging brood.

Any ideas, dear? What's your secret - how do you keep hunks on tap?

Sincerely,

Wanton Moore.

Joycecwilliams
06-02-2008, 09:37 AM
Dear Wanton Moore

Forget the men and buy a rabbit viberator.

You don't need anymore kids.

You don't have to get dressed up.

And men have stopped pumping gas and taking out the garbage.. so why would you need one?

The rabbitt won't care about your wrinkles, your house or anything else.. Just get a lot of batteries..

************

Dear Abbey:

My best friend from high school friend is cheating on her husband with an alien.

It bothers me that when she goes out with her lover, that she tells her husband she is
with me.

Sure she shows me all the neat pictures of the galaxies but I don't want to be a partner to her out of the world romance...

What should I do?

Ema Stelleler

Matera the Mad
06-03-2008, 07:24 AM
Dear Ema Stelleler,
Is her husband sexy?

#

Dear Abby,
I have three children by three different men. Sometimes I forget which one is from which. Do you think it would be all right if I told the kids to call all of them "Daddy"???
Yours,
Triangula

Woof
06-04-2008, 06:00 PM
Dear Triangula,

Your kids are already confused, so there's no need to add to their anxiety. I would recommend that you first have blood tests done to determine which kid belongs to which father. Then, once that's sorted out, sew matching name tags for each child and father on their clothing - color-coded, if you prefer, and neither you, the fathers or the children will ever be confused again. One question you haven't asked, is what your children should call you. May I suggest 'trollop' ?

Abby


.................................................. .................................................. ..........

Dear Abby,

Since childhood I've had a terrible fear of vampires breaking into my bedroom and attacking me. I've tried everything to calm my nerves - garlic and wolfbane hanging from the window, a silver crucifix and wooden stake sitting on my night table - but nothing seems to assuage my fears. Do you have any suggestions?

Terrified in Transylvania

Matera the Mad
06-05-2008, 07:36 AM
Dear Terrified in Transylvania,
It sounds like you are suffering from location stress. Perhaps you should consider a move. In Haiti, for instance, you would only have to worry about zombies. Any coastal habitat could vary your challenges with silkies and merpeople, with a few sharks now and then. You might consider some nice spots in the US -- I hear that the Lake Michigan shore is frequented by an alien creature called the Dune Roller. So you see, no matter where you go, life can be interesting. There's no need to get stuck in a boring routine with the same old charms and anti-hexes over and over.
Abby

#

Dear Abby,
Could you please give me some advice about my teenage daughter, she thinks that she wants to be a writer. I had so hoped she would grow up to be a good housewife, but she is more concerned with things like "participial phrases" -- whatever they are! than with what brand of fabric softener is best.
Thank you,
Mildred Mindless

Woof
06-05-2008, 06:27 PM
Dear Mildred Mindless,

Every parent wants the best for their children, and it's not uncommon for a mother or father to worry or disapprove of their children's interests or career choices. But it is also important to remember that your daughter is a separate individual, with her own abilities, dreams and aspirations. And just because you've chosen to become a Stepford wife, with little imagination or ambition beyond the quest for a better oven cleaner, there's no reason why she should follow in your empty, soulless and vapid footsteps. If she wants to be a writer, let her find her own path and write one rejected manuscript after another and end up alone and penniless if that's her choice. Just don't judge her.


deer Aby,

hi. im a tenager and its like im sorta shy and stuff. maybe its cuz uv my zits. i dunno. dya think im gay or sumthing? your really old so its like maybe your not kewl or hate dudes or somthin. shood i i stop smokin weed even thouhg its awesome?

f***ed up in fresno

Bertha Babette
06-16-2008, 03:11 AM
Dear F***ed Up in Fresno,

First of all put down the bong! It is perfectly normal for teenagers to question their sexuality, and have pimples. However one does not have anything to do with the other. For the pimples or "zits" as you crazy teenagers say, I would recommend "Proactiv" of TV infomercial fame. If it works on Jessica Simpson it will work on you, but beware your zits will get better before they get worse.

As for questioning your sexuality...if it feels good, go with it...as long as all over your partners are over 18.


#

Dear Abby,
I was recently fired for being drunk on the job (which isn't fair since I wasn't even drunk that day). How do I go about asking my former employer for a letter of reference?

Signed,
Tanked on Tuesdays

Mr Flibble
06-16-2008, 03:20 AM
Dear Abby,
I was recently fired for being drunk on the job (which isn't fair since I wasn't even drunk that day). How do I go about asking my former employer for a letter of reference?

Signed,
Tanked on Tuesdays

Easy. Take your old boss out, get him tanked, and get him to write you the reference there and then.

Dear Abby,

My big toe has gone numb and I can't wiggle it suggestively at my hubby any more. What to do?

Yours

Mrs Toe

P.H.Delarran
06-16-2008, 04:49 AM
Dear Mrs. Toe-tally without imagination, go to fetishesrusdotcom and search for extensions, there are many realisic battery operated digits available for your husband's pleasure.

Deer Abby, I am married to a taxidermist and we have heads hanging everywhere, even over my bed. those big doey eyes stare at us while we make love, and I find I cannot get aroused, makes me feel creepy. what can I do?
-Doe-eyed and shy

Matera the Mad
06-16-2008, 05:53 AM
Dear Doe-eyed and shy,
If you can't keep your eyes closed, try turning off the lights.
Abby

#

Dear Abby,
I am a writer with a very creative, soul. In a forum, I joined recently, I offerred some of my finest work for the edification of the poor souls who are atemppting to better they're craft. Sevaral of the memebers we're very rude to me. Do you think, I should, flounce and see if they treat me better? or just flame themn back?
Yours,
Mary Sue Blatherall

Jon-Luke
06-16-2008, 04:36 PM
Dear Mary Sue Blatherall,

Perhaps if your technical writing prowess was up to scratch then all the newbies on the forum who would jump up and down to point out spelling mistakes like "ATEMPPTING" and "MEMEBERS". My advice take a little more time, take things a little less seriously and read between the lines for the true advice and wisdom that the universe is providing for you.

Dear Abby,

My antagonist doesn't have a job and my protagonist is boring with no drive to get anything done how can I resolve this writing conundrum?
Yours,
Types Withtwofingers

Nymtoc
06-16-2008, 08:04 PM
Dear Twofingers,

Make your protagonist the CEO of a major oil corporation and your antagonist an angry motorist with an AK-47 and put them in the same room. Something will happen.

:e2teeth:

Dear Abby,

I keep havving this phantasy that I'm the President of the United States. I know I'm realy just a idiot from Texas, but I keep thinking I'm responsible for the fate of the World and have my finger on the Nukular Button. Should I push it, or what?

Shrubby

HeronW
06-16-2008, 08:09 PM
Dear Shrubby

The nice thing about fantasy is that a tiny bit of reality always sticks in to bitchslap sense into you.

If you know you're 'just an idiot from Texas' go home. Your village misses you.

Dear Abby,

Is taping your mother-in-law's mouth to her butt wrong since she's always talking out of her ass she might as well talk into it as well...?

emeraldcite
06-16-2008, 08:40 PM
Dear "Butt-in-Cheek":

It seems you have found the perfect conversational partner for you Mother-in-Law. Don't fret, she's going to thank you one day.


#


Dear Abby:

If everyone is constantly taking pictures of me, should I feel important?

Nymtoc
06-17-2008, 12:09 AM
Dear person who didn't give a name,

It depends entirely on why people are taking your picture. Do the pictures show you in full face and also in profile, with numbers attached? If so, those are mug shots. It means that you have repeatedly been arrested. On the other hand, do people giggle when they take your picture? They may think you look weird. Another possibility--especially if the photographers are focusing on your body--is that porn producers are considering you for a film. Until you can answer some of these basic questions, don't bother me again.

:e2photo:

Dear Abby,

I am a famous celebrity, so of course I am writing you under a pseudonym. Recently the media have begun to propagate all kinds of ugly rumors about me. It started when I was allegedly caught on Sunset Boulevard with a transvestite prostitute in my car (a vicious lie!), but lately things have gotten out of hand. The rumors about my supposed kinkiness are becoming grosser by the minute. I lost two starring roles last month, and producers who used to court me are refusing to answer my phone calls. Yesterday my agent called me a "has-been" and dropped me from his list. How can I rescue my career?

Bewildered in Bel Air

Woof
06-17-2008, 04:51 PM
Dear Bewildered In Bel Air,


You needn't be ashamed of who you are, or worry excessively about what other people think. Have you considered that perhaps there is a message in all this - that perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your life and consider other career options? I mean, let's be honest - your last eighteen movies bombed and you're not exactly the same innocent, fresh-faced star you were when you first emerged on the silver screen - when was that again? Just shortly after Jolson made his first talkie? Even if your career is all washed up, and people cross the street to avoid you, you surely don't have to worry about financial security. Even in today's market, your Bel Air mansion should keep you and your questionable "friends" in champagne, caviar and recreational drugs for years. As for the pseudonym, I would drop it. It's not only pretentious, but everyone knows who you are anyway.



Dear Abby,


Since my new neighbors moved in six months ago, I have been noticing strange things going on next door. Almost every night just before midnight, a group of people wearing long robes and hoods enter the house and then shortly after I hear the sounds of chanting followed by a series of disturbing screams from a young woman. Then there is more chanting along with a distinctly acrid smell, like burning sulphur. I have considered calling the police because I think that a satanic cult is living next door. What do you think I should do?


Scared In Salem

Nymtoc
06-17-2008, 10:41 PM
Dear Scared in Salem,

It is always dangerous to jump to conclusions. While the sounds you hear coming from your neighbor's house might indicate peculiar activities, have you considered other explanations? To take an obvious example, a lot of horror films are available on DVD, and many have plots involving witches, Satanic sacrifices and the like. Isn't it possible that your neighbors have simply invited a group of friends over to watch their DVDs? Some people like to wear costumes to such gatherings and may do other things, too--in this case, burn sulphur--to get in the mood. Before you contact authorities, think what such an action would mean for your relationship with your new neighbors. Have you considered approaching them with a Welcome Wagon instead?

:rolleyes:

Dear Abby,

I have always loved to cook. People rave about the meals I serve, and many demand my recipes. I have published several of my best recipes in magazines and have just signed with a publisher for a new recipe book to be titled "Mimi's Marvelous Meals."

Two nights ago, I served dinner for 12 (fried calimari, chicken sautéed in Madeira sauce with sundried tomatoes, portobello mushrooms and fettuccini, petits pois Deauville, chocolate banana cake topped with toasted walnuts, assorted cheeses, and coffee). Shortly after dining, unfortunately, six of my guests fell ill and two eventually died. Though the cause of the illness has not yet been determined, I suspect the petits pois may have come in contact with some rat poison I rather stupidly put in the cupboard.

What I want to know is, should I tell my publisher about this unfortunate accident or just go ahead with the recipe book?

Mimi

Matera the Mad
06-18-2008, 05:33 AM
Dear Mimi,
Just be sure that you have a good proofreader for the book, and hire a lawyer to write a disclaimer for the preface.
Bon appetit!
Abby

#

Dear Abby,
I don't know what is the matter with people these days. Every time I join a forum, it seems like every thread is about me. People I've never met are saying awful things about me even before I register.
I am so tired of this! Am I overreacting when I PM all of them and tell them what idiots they are?
Yours,
Delicate and Sensitive

talkwrite
06-18-2008, 11:30 PM
Dear Delicate and Sensitive;

We must just look alike. I guess I have to let you down gently. With the exception of the Politics and Current Events thread, everyone on AW is talking about me. Your PMing them is going ignored because they are sympathetic to your lot in life.
Feel the love!
Abby.

Dear Abby;

As long as we don't have any children, can me and my 42 husbands live free and be happy on our own God Ordained land in Texas?

Snip Snip in Amarillo

Woof
06-20-2008, 04:03 PM
Dear Snip Snip in Amarillo,

Every relationship has its own set of challenges, and as long as you and your husbands love and respect each other, I see no reason why you shouldn't all get along and live in harmony, but - boundaries should be set, so I suggest that you keep your husbands in cages and let them out only to satisfy your appetites when you're in the mood. If that sounds harsh and controlling, don't forget, dear - they're just men. In respect to the land you refer to as "God Ordained", God or no God, you've got to make sure you have clear title to the property or you can call your little piece of paradise "foreclosed" .




Dear Abby,


I'm a highly imaginative writer with a dreadful secret. I recently murdered twelve publishers, each in highly unusual and creative ways (one for instance, had a pile of rejection slips stuffed down his throat until he choked to death). Even though my motive for these killings was in part, born of pure vengeance, my primary goal was to provide real life research for my novel about a failed and embittered writer who seeks revenge on all who have thwarted his ambitions. Now, my question is this: Should I turn myself in, and if so, should I plead not guilty because my actions were done for the sake of literature?

Poison Pen

Nymtoc
06-21-2008, 02:31 AM
Dear Poison Pen,

Your situation requires a nuanced response. You should approach your problem in several steps:

1. Complete your novel and publish it anonymously. This should assure you of a large readership and substantial profits.

2. After a suitable pause, announce that the story is true and reveal yourself as the anonymous author. You will then be arrested, so there will be no need to turn yourself in.

3. With money earned from the book, make deals with at least three psychiatrists who will testify EITHER that you were sleepwalking while committing the murders OR that you were fully justified in murdering the publishers since they had driven you to insanity with their absurd rejections.

4. Prepare to appear on Oprah, Larry King and other shows after your acquittal.

:rolleyes:

Dear Abby,

When I was very young I was enlisted in a gang of pickpockets by a certain Mr. Phagin. I learned the trade very well and became so skilled that I could lift the wallet, watch, keys and pocket handkerchief from any gentleman in 15 seconds. As I grew older, however, I decided I wanted to better myself. I left Mr. Phagin's employ and attended college, eventually acquiring B.A., M.A., PhD, and LLB degrees. I am now an eminent attorney in a major metropolis.

However, try as I might, I can't seem to overcome my early training. I lift people's wallets without even thinking and find myself wearing several watches at a time. Yesterday, in the midst of an important case, I not only lifted the judge's wallet but removed his toupee without his noticing.

How can I overcome this habit?

Bolliver

HeronW
06-21-2008, 03:39 AM
Dear Doe-eyed: one word: blindfold!

Dear Abby,

While I was visiting the Medieval Museum, I tried the 14th century chastity belt on, just for fun--and it locked shut.

HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

talkwrite
06-23-2008, 06:43 PM
Dear Help;
Well before you grab the WD-40, call Oprah and claim that you are the new leader of a colony of abstinence worshipers. You will gain fame and riches. You will have a difficult time getting through security on your way to Chicago so plan ahead on that one.
Abby.

Dear Abby;
It's too hot to write. It just is. I have promised my editors I'd make it by deadline but ...it's too hot!
Melting in Memphis

Autodidact
06-23-2008, 08:33 PM
Dear Melting:

You are so right, which is why I am unable to answer your question. It's just too hot.
Abby


Dear Abby:

I have been seeing a married man for seven years. He has told me that he will leave his wife and marry me as soon as his children are grown. Should I wait?

Old Maid In Process

Melenka
06-26-2008, 07:39 AM
Dear Old Maid,

If he is willing to leave his wife for you, what makes you think he won't leave you for some other tramp in a few years? Grow a spine, ditch the bum, and write a torrid novel about the man you wish you were sleeping with instead. Dedicate it to your married lover's wife and send her a signed copy.


Dear Abby,

I responded to a bunch of posts, from both men and women, for Casual Encounters on Craig's List. Then I went to the hotels and hung out in the lobby on the assigned days. In a few instances, the people came out after being stood up, which gave me the chance to meet them, go for coffee, and sympathize with their plight. Do you think there might be a better way to make new friends?

Signed,
Deceptively Nice

HeronW
06-27-2008, 03:34 AM
Dear DN, no, those losers are exactly the kind of social peers you deserve! Keep up the ploy and rot in hellyoubitch!

Dear Abby,

Does revirginization surgery really work for men? How can I tell?

Matera the Mad
06-27-2008, 07:35 AM
Dear anonymous,

It depends on what you mean by "work" -- and, of course, whether the revirginization is performed on the male or on the female. If both parties are revirginized, the obvious answer is, nobody knows but the surgeon.

I would think twice about having elective surgery that might affect my sexual performance, if I were you. Of course I'm not you, and my sex life is just fine, thank you.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

My son mumbles all the time. I can't understand a word he says. It's gotten so bad that when he asks me a question, I just say "yes, dear."

Recently this led to his being arrested for driving his father's car up the side of a public building while nude.

What could we do to improve communications?

Troubled in Des Moines

Woof
06-27-2008, 05:32 PM
Dear Troubled in Des Moines,


First of all, you should be reassured to know that your son's condition is not that uncommon these days and that driving nude up the side of a public building while mumbling carries less of a stigma than it did, say 50 years ago. My advice is that you seek a good support group for your son. I can highly recommend NMATDUPB, or Naked Mumblers Addicted To Driving Up Public Buildings. This organization has a good track record in curbing the desire to drive up public buildings naked, but has yet to lick the problem of communication, since the members of the support group keep on mumbling and consequently have no idea what each other are saying...you know, on second thought, forget the support group. Your son is a lost cause. Just disown him and just get on with your own life.




Gentle Greetings To You Dear Abby,


I am an out-of-work Buddhist monk who was laid off three months ago after our ashram was shut down due to high overhead costs. I am not a material being, nor do I desire more than a daily bowl of rice, but quite recently I was offered a job to work in a slaughterhouse at $36.50 an hour. Now here is my dilemma: My job description requires me to kill animals, but I am troubled by that thought because I am a vegan who believes in the value of all sentient beings and would never harm a fly. In fact, once when a mosquito alighted on my arm, I chose not to kill him, but instead hurried him to a blood bank where he would be well fed. Do you think I would be compromising my spiritual beliefs by taking this job?

Peace,


Meditating on Murder

Nymtoc
06-27-2008, 09:46 PM
Dear Meditating on Murder,

Though many people are willing to--in fact, thirst to--bring an end to the existence of sentient beings, your strong beliefs set you apart as a person of virtue. Assuming that you either have or can beg enough rice to keep you alive for the next few days, why not approach talk-show hosts like Oprah, Larry King, Maury Povich, or even some of the blowhards on Fox? Ask to be scheduled on one of their shows, where you will be paired with a loudmouth who holds opposite beliefs. There will undoubtedly be a reaction from viewers, at least one of whom will offer you a job where you do not have to violate your principles.

Let me know how things work out.

Abby

:)

Dear Abby,

[Abby, I asked you this question before, but someone jumped on my post, and you never had a chance to answer it. Since I am becoming increasingly desperate, I will ask the question again.]

When I was very young I was enlisted in a gang of pickpockets by a certain Mr. Phagin. I learned the trade very well and became so skilled that I could lift the wallet, watch, keys and pocket handkerchief from any gentleman in 15 seconds. As I grew older, however, I decided I wanted to better myself. I left Mr. Phagin's employ and attended college, eventually acquiring B.A., M.A., PhD, and LLB degrees. I am now an eminent attorney in a major metropolis.

However, try as I might, I can't seem to overcome my early training. I lift people's wallets without even thinking and find myself wearing several watches at a time. Yesterday, in the midst of an important case, I not only lifted the judge's wallet but removed his toupee without his noticing.

How can I overcome this habit?

Bolliver

Woof
06-27-2008, 10:15 PM
Dear Bolliver,

I have received this type of question before, and I will give you the same advice that I gave the other loonies..err..learned individuals: Don't read fiction - especially Dickens! Pickpockets. Pocket watches. Your already vivid imagination will only grow wilder and more violent, and there's no telling what kind of mischief you will get up to if you continue to indulge in all those flights of fancy. Now, if you must read anything, try to confine yourself to more relevant forms of literature such as People magazine. Or better yet, just confine your reading to my column. Trust me, you will learn more about real life from Dear Abby than from all your silly novels put together. Will Dickens show you how to remove wine stains from your carpet? Will Baudelaire teach you how to successfully throw a Tupperware party? I think not.




Dear Abby,


I have a wart on the end of my nose the size of a small watermelon. For years now, it has made me self conscious and apprehensive about going out in public. I have also cracked more than my share of mirrors. Some of my friends have suggested that I go to a doctor and have the wart removed. Still others have said that beauty is only skin deep, and that my true friends should like me for myself, warts and all. I'm at a loss as to what I should do.


A Face Only A Mother Could Love

Dario D.
06-28-2008, 04:05 PM
Dear Abby,

I have a wart on the end of my nose the size of a small watermelon. For years now, it has made me self conscious and apprehensive about going out in public. I have also cracked more than my share of mirrors. Some of my friends have suggested that I go to a doctor and have the wart removed. Still others have said that beauty is only skin deep, and that my true friends should like me for myself, warts and all. I'm at a loss as to what I should do.

A Face Only A Mother Could Love


Dear Face Only A Mother Could Love,

First of all, my name is Dario... I have no idea where everyone gets this Abby from.

About your little problem... If your wart is really hideous enough to prompt you to write to me about it, why don't you try wearing a (rather large) bag over your head? Seriously... You'll see more people on TV wearing bags over their heads than walking around with Dear Abby-sized warts.

But for crying out loud, if you're going to paint a face on the bag, try not to use markers or crayons... Take it to a professional who deals with these kinds of things, and do it right. Perhaps try getting a joke printed on the forehead, as a distraction... and make sure it's decent. Forget knock-knock jokes, and don't touch popsicle-stick jokes with a ten-foot pole.

I hope that solves your problem.

- Dario

__________

Dear Abby,

I seem to have lost some important change in my couch, but I can't go look for it, because that's where my arch-enemy, Gustav, lives.

What should I do?

- Dario

Woof
06-28-2008, 04:34 PM
Dear Dario,

Loose change aside, if you really believe that an arch-enemy named Gustav lives in your couch, then your problem is already 50% solved. Just lie back on the couch, pick up the phone and call a shrink who does house calls.


Dear Abby,


I'm a Republican and my wife is a Democrat, and recently we have been getting into some pretty heated discussions over politics. Well, it all came to a head yesterday when she threatened to divorce me and take custody of the kids if I voted for the Republicans in the upcoming election. I'm really in a pickle. Do I vote for the party of my choice and lose my wife and kids? Do I switch allegiances in order to keep my family intact, but betray my party? Do I cast my ballot and then later lie about who I voted for? Or do I vote my conscience, divorce my wife and hope to find a mate who is less manipulative, and/or younger and better looking?


Sweating In a Swing State

Beyondian
06-29-2008, 02:55 AM
Dear Sweating,
Pickles are nice with cheese. Remember, if you ever need to entertain in a hurry, always use high quality crackers, and leave some plain in case your guests are allergic to pickles.

Abby

P.S. Hmm... children or politics? Both are good with pickles.

Dear Abby,
My bestest best friend recently started calling me names in front of other people. I think she's, like, jealous, because I'm, like, so much prettier than her. And she, like, wants to completely ruin my self respect and turn me into a drone, like, yeah.
So should I totally dump her and hang out with cooler, more polite, and ever less good looking friends? Or should I sue her for mental abuse?

Yours,

The Prettier Gurl

Lillyth
06-29-2008, 03:55 AM
Dear Abby,
My bestest best friend recently started calling me names in front of other people. I think she's, like, jealous, because I'm, like, so much prettier than her. And she, like, wants to completely ruin my self respect and turn me into a drone, like, yeah.
So should I totally dump her and hang out with cooler, more polite, and ever less good looking friends? Or should I sue her for mental abuse?

Yours,

The Prettier Gurl
Dear Prettier Gurl,

Chances are, your friend, like, hangs out with you, cuz you, like, make her look smart. She is like, no doubt restraining herself when she, like, calls you these names.

You should like, start looking up some of those words she calls you. You might, like, learn something so that when your looks fade you might, like, ummm, have something to like, fall back on. Yeah.

Abby



Dear Abby:

I think I just accidentally killed my neighbor. What should I do?

Sincerely,
City Living with a Concrete Courtyard

Nymtoc
06-29-2008, 08:26 AM
Dear City Living,

Since the killing was accidental, you bear no responsibility for it. Go to the police and tell them what happened. They'll understand.

Abby

:rolleyes:

Dear Abby,

I am a widow. I am well over 50, though my friends tell me I look much younger. A few months ago I met the most wonderful man. He is 35 years old, and he tells me I am the most beautiful, sensitive, caring--and exciting--woman he has ever met! Every night he takes me to a fine restaurant, where he orders in French (!). Last night he asked me to marry him. But before we wed, he wants me to sign over to him the $1,750,000 I inherited from my late husband, so that he can invest it in one of the many companies he owns.

I am willing to do this for this wonderful man, but I am left with a rather serious problem. Can I to wear white to my wedding, or--considering that I have been married before--should I wear blue?

September Bride

Beyondian
06-29-2008, 11:18 AM
Dear September,
The white rule only counts if you have fornicated before marriage. Considering your previous relationship was under the blessed balcony of a legal marriage, you can wear white without blushing.
Also, these rules don't count for rich people. You should have learned this by now. If royalty can do it, you can do it.

Abby

Dear Abby,
I find myself in a terrible quandry. I am desperately in love with a gentleman of dark and mysterious background. He is strong, and handsome, and has luxurious red hair. He speaks with a foreign accent, and is so good at those troublesome jobs around the house.
My questions is, if I sometimes hear him murmuring things about the police in his sleep, and if he seems strangely unnerved everytime a security guard passes our table in the mall cafe, should I worry? Am I being paranoid, or does his air of romantic mystery hide a dark past?

Yours,
Annette In Love

Woof
06-29-2008, 05:00 PM
Dear Annette In Love,

I really don't see the problem. Or to put it another way, would you rather share your bed with a skinny, bald accountant with an unblemished past who mumbles about balance sheets in his sleep, or a strong handsome hunk who talks about his darkly sexy and dangerous past while his wraps his muscular hairy thighs around your naked body? You mentioned he has an accent. Is he Italian or Spanish, maybe? Mmm...there's nothing like a latin lover. BTW, if the police do show up, call me. I just love a man in uniform.



Dear Abby,

I have just recently been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes me to voice everything I am thinking and feeling without censoring a word. Do you think this will be a problem for me in terms of inter-personal relations? I don't really expect you to answer my question with any degree of authority. I mean, after all if you were a real journalist with a degree you wouldn't have to resort to dishing out mundane advice to losers like me. So thanks Abby, but no thanks. Or should I call you Thelma. Thelma Shopzowicz. That is your real name, isn't it?


Obnoxious And Uncensored

Nymtoc
06-30-2008, 01:25 AM
Dear Obnoxious,

Your condition, though unusual, is not unprecedented. Records of the World Health Organization show that some 20,000 persons suffer from this ailment (technically called epineuropsychonarcissistocrapophrenia) throughout the world. Though researchers have done a great deal of work on this disorder (notably at the Überhochsschule für Studien über die Schrecklichen Psychosensyndromen, in Vienna), they have so far been unable to come up with a cure. As for having successful interpersonal relationships, forget it. The best advice is to wash your mouth out with soap.

By the way, it's not Thelma, it's Zelma, and you screwed up my last name so badly I won't even try to correct it, you dork.

:crazy:

Dear Abby,

For the past 20 years I have worked as a baker's assistant. Recently, I opened my own shop, baking delicacies from my own recipes, such as cakes, pies, tortes, biscuits, croissants and the like. Two weeks ago, I added a new item, a pistachio bagel prepared from a receipe my grandmother gave me. Unfortunately, the first customer to purchase these bagels became ill and died. Since then, 22 more customers have become ill, and 19 have died. Right now people are gathering outside my house carrying clubs and torches. What do you think I should do?

Sugar 'n Spice

Dario D.
06-30-2008, 12:46 PM
Dear Sugar 'n Spice,

I would like remind you first of all that my name is Dario, not Abby... But regarding your pressing issue, I think right now would be an excellent time to go outside, and offer them all a round of those pistachio bagels.

It should lighten up the mood a bit.

- Dario (not Abby, you will notice)


Dear Abby,
My bestest best friend recently started calling me names in front of other people. I think she's, like, jealous, because I'm, like, so much prettier than her. And she, like, wants to completely ruin my self respect and turn me into a drone, like, yeah.
So should I totally dump her and hang out with cooler, more polite, and ever less good looking friends? Or should I sue her for mental abuse?

Yours,

The Prettier Gurl

I have to answer this one:

Dear Prettier Gurl,

Well, you almost got my name right... the second letter of my name has an A, and Abbey starts with one, so...

First of all, don't fear hanging out with not-so-good-looking girls. As Bill Cosby once said, the ugly one is always the nice one. Plus, the prettier they are, the more chances they have of turning out like Britney Spears, even though there is a portion of the population who thinks she looks too much like a TV-commercial-modeling-doll-makeup-factory to be considered pretty. (nobody REALLY knows what she looks like)

Suing could be a good idea, but only if the relationship just isn't salvageable. Just make sure you surround yourself with GOOD people, who don't like say like a lot... That will give you some smiles.

- Abby... err, I mean Dario.

------------------

Dear Abby,

Why did the chicken cross the road? No, seriously...

- Philosophical Poultrist

Woof
06-30-2008, 07:07 PM
Dear Philosophical Poultrist,


What makes you think that I have time to answer such inane questions? For your information, I have a stack of important mail that needs my immediate intention, including an urgent email from a young woman in crisis over which shade of eye shadow to wear to her cat's funeral. Fine, if you really must know why the chicken crossed the road, I can only refer you to the words of Martin Luther King: " I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question."



To the attention of Abigail Van Buren:

Madam,


Although it is quite beneath a person of my breeding and lineage to communicate with an ink-stained member of the vulgar, popular press, I have condescended to write to you in order to pose a simple question. While I do not expect you to fully grasp the meaning of my query, nor to answer it with the slightest scintilla of insight beyond that which your limited imagination would allow, I wish to know - nay! I command that you tell me: Why it is that ever person I encounter does not immediately recognize and acknowledge my obvious superiority?


High & Mighty, Esq.

LaceWing
06-30-2008, 08:26 PM
Dear High & Mighty, Esq.

From here, it looks to me like the boogers in your nose would have any audience dazzled and befuddled. Consult the Yellow Pages for the name of an ear, nose and throat doctor. While you're at it, you might as well ask that doctor to recommend a chiropractor to fix the crick in your neck.

If you're in a hurry or your finances are limited, however, I'd recommend you just take the finger out of your ass and start digging. As special as you are, there'd be no need to even wash that finger first since we already know your shit don't stink.


Dear One,

I wish to become your acolyte, if only you will instruct me in the proper way to attain such wisdom as you so clearly have.

Obeisant Student

Nymtoc
06-30-2008, 09:59 PM
Dear Obeisant Student,

Becoming my acolyte is not the easiest thing in the world, but it can be done. In order to absorb my wisdom fully, you will be required to perform a few simple duties, such as cleaning my house, doing my grocery shopping, bringing me coffee and snacks, driving me to my appointments (I assume you have a driver's license) and other things. When you have shown that you can successfully carry out these tasks, I will begin to instruct you in the ways of answering the questions that the simpletons address to me.

Abby

:hat:

Dear Abby,

My novel has been rejected by 124 agents and 322 publishers. This puzzles me, since I am convinced it is a masterpiece. A friend told me that the best way to attract the notice of agents and publishers is to send them gifts. I am doubtful about that idea--it seems rather pushy--but I do want to find a way to convince them they should publish my work. What would you think of sending them anonymous notes saying that if they don't publish my book they'll regret it?

Frustrated Genius

Beyondian
07-01-2008, 02:46 AM
Dear Frustrated,
These publishers must be blind not to see the absolute genius that is your work. If your heart is set upon pandering to their 'traditional' methods and archaic totalitarian mind-sets, then I suggest a nice bottle of champagne and a selection of gormet chocolates. Threats should always be typed on a typewriter because no one knows how to analyse those anymore.
However, if you want to try a really revolutionary publishing system - then try Publis America. These sterling people published my book 'One Hundred Thoughts on the Subject of Brooms' and - though I have yet to see any substantial revenue - I am assured that it is coming.

Abby

***

Dearest Abby,
I love you. I've been in love with you for years. I am rich, handsome, and charming, and I adore every word that the papers print about you and from you. What can I do to win your heart?

Lovelorn and Hopeful

Dario D.
07-01-2008, 03:49 AM
Dearest Abby,
I love you. I've been in love with you for years. I am rich, handsome, and charming, and I adore every word that the papers print about you and from you. What can I do to win your heart?

Lovelorn and HopefulDear Lovelorn and Hopeful,

You sound very much like my type - a quite rare thing. I am available pretty much always... ever here, writing these silly replies to questions.

I like Tabasco, video games, and fine theater (among many other things). If you would like to meet up sometime, I would love to take you to the theater, find you inside a multiplayer video game, or just curl up in a bottle of Tabasco.

As for completely winning my heart? Just write me a nice, long, flowery explanation of all that you are, and all that you've ever wanted us to be. That will surely make our boat set sail...

http://www.deefrag.com/files/Temp/images/21st%20bday%20pics/22nd/Heart%20small.png

- Dario

---

Dear Abby,

What is the squared root of 5,287 divided by 3?

- Math Hawk

Nymtoc
07-01-2008, 05:48 AM
Dear Math Hawk,

24.237253236380653132775221452841

However, a more pertinent approach to your question is to wonder why you would direct it to me. After all, I specialize in helping people with their personal problems, and I can think of no way in which an answer to your rather impudent question--an obvious attempt to draw attention to yourself--can help you with what I believe may be serious difficulties in relating to others. In fact, I am concerned that your question may be the tip of an iceberg indicating an undiagnosed yet profound emotional disorder. I suggest you get a life.

Abby

:tongue

Dear Abby,

I hesitated to write to you, but my situation is becoming grave. The fact is, I've been married ten times--all at once, I mean. I have wives in St. Louis, Charleston, Des Moines, Chicago, Butte, Phoenix, Bismarck, Burlington, Newark and Seattle. None of my wives know about the others. Everything was going well until last week, when Wife #4 filed for divorce. This means I will have to file papers and go to court, and I'm afraid that my gynecological practice will be affected. What do you think I should do?

Desperate Doc

Beyondian
07-01-2008, 06:00 AM
Dear Doc,
You have comittment issues, my friend. By choosing to live a bigamistic and highly illegal life, you are attempting to stave off on-coming (or possibly out-going) middle age. By never choosing a single person to be linked to throughout life, you think that you can have it all - and even the prospect of being caught doesn't frighten you as much as the idea that one day you might just have to grow up and take responsibility for your actions, does it?
But as to your problem... if you hire a hitman through secure channels, he/she will wipe out Wife #4, and thus solve the divorce issue.

Abby

**

Dear Abby,
I'm in trouble, my friend. I have been the owner of five cats for a very long time, and recently I procured a 6th cat. She is small. She is graceful. She is black.
The issue is that after her arrival my other cats started disappearing one by one. And my black cat has been growing slowly bigger and bigger. I fear the creature is possessed and has designs on my immortal soul! Please... tell me... is it better to serve English Breakfast tea of Earl Grey in bone china teacups?

Yours
Tealess Tearful and Terpsichoriant

Dario D.
07-01-2008, 06:42 AM
Dear Tealess Tearful Terpsichoriant,

Your cat sounds much like mine. He passed away (or changed address to some house with better food offerings) a while back, but never was much threat, except to every other male cat in the area. To deal with yours, I would recommend mumbling a quick prayer, and then she should return to her normal, purry self within a few seconds.

Hope your kitty is good for petting after that.

As for your question about which tea is better, I don't know... I'm American. :D Have you tried Monster? (not recommended due to disgusting amounts of caffeination, but hey, what do Americans care?)

- Dario

--------

Dear Abby,

Why does everyone think I'm fat?

- Doesn't Think He's Fat

Matera the Mad
07-01-2008, 07:44 AM
Dear D.T.H. Fat,

Maybe it's just your head -- first impressions are strongest, you know.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

My sister has been sending me a lot of e-mails with FW: FW: FW: and so on in the subject line and inside they are... kind of goopy. How can I tell her to stop sending me stupid garbage without insulting her?

Chain Hater

Beyondian
07-01-2008, 08:43 AM
Dear Chain Hater

My advice would be to simply demonstrate how annoying these things are. Collect a few really graphic and unbearably icky chain letters from the internet and forward them on to her. She'll get the message soon enough. And if she doesn't, you can always try adding in the subject line: 'I thought you might like this, as you're always sending them to my rubbish bin.'

Abby

Dear Abby

My house has become a haven for all my daughter's disreputable young friends. They drink, swear, do drugs, and make out like adorably punk little rabbits all over my house. They're driving me mad, and it's not just the Rock Music! I'm afraid that telling them they can't come around any more will alienate my daughter, but if I have to put up with much more of this, I'm going to snap.
Please help!

Desperate Housewife

escritora
07-01-2008, 09:12 AM
Dear Desperate Housewife

In front of your daughter's friends, take the time to make out with your husband like the desperate housewife that you are.This will embarrass your daughter and she won't invite her friends over again.

Abby

Dear Abby

I like guys who are like really really smart. Ya know the type, guys who are into Sci Fi and whatnot. The problem is these guys are totally awesome and equally as ugly. I don't want to be seen in public with them. What should I do?

Matera the Mad
07-01-2008, 09:31 AM
Dear What,

Stay home and read.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

Recently one of my characters has started talking to me. I mean like all the time. I don't mind when I'm home alone, but I wish he wouldn't come to work with me. It's even worse when I'm at a party and he gets jealous. What can I do?

Desperately Real Writer

Dario D.
07-01-2008, 10:07 AM
Dear Desperately Real Writer,

Have you tried editing the personality of that character? Do this: ask him to have a seat with you somewhere, get out your laptop, and turn him into a non-stalking, gentleman-type character.

Make sure you save when you're done.

- Dario

------

Dear Abby,

I am a painter (I paint people's houses and stuff), and well... last night, aliens abducted me, and I noticed that the outside of their ship was all metallic, and didn't have any paint, or protection from the weather. When they come again tonight, should I give them my business card? I was thinking I could give them a first-time discount.

- Painter with a Dilemma

Nymtoc
07-01-2008, 10:03 PM
Dear Painter with a Dilemma,

Why simply give them your business card? The aliens obviously need your services and would welcome your talents on a permanent basis. When they come again tonight, join their crew and fly with them to whatever weird galaxy they came from. You will find other ships there, and painting them should keep you occupied for a long, long time.

Abby

:e2bouncey

Dear Abby,

I recently became aware that I have a twin. We were separated at birth and learned of each other's existence only a few months ago. He is an extremely successful entrepreneur, the CEO of a major corporation and a millionaire several times over. I, unfortunately, have not done well. I recently lost my job as a typewriter repairman (there doesn't seem to be much need for my services anymore) and am running out of unemployment benefits. My twin and I are indistinguishable in appearance. I long to improve my situation in life. Do you have any suggestions?

Lookalike

Beyondian
07-02-2008, 05:13 AM
Dear Lookalike,
Submitting to your twin for pecuniary aid would be my first suggestion. After all, blood is thicker than water, and anyone - even a long lost twin - should be prepared for the eventuation that some day in the future they may be called upon to help relatives they never knew they had.
If this doesn't work, then your twin is obviously a sociopath. As such, removing him from the genepool will be ablessing on all humanity. Take his place and prosper.

Abby.

<<<

Dear Abby

I spend all my time sitting in front of the tv with my dog and my cat. I have no social life, and I hide behind the sofa when the milkman comes to the door. However, I long for companionship and I have taken the liberty of raiding the nearby graveyard and constructing a humanoid from the parts. Even as I type this, the mob with flaming pitchforks is battering at my door.
Do you know where I can get a functioning brain?

Bits Are Missing

Matera the Mad
07-02-2008, 05:36 AM
Dear Bits,

Try hooking the concatenated cadaver to your computer. Then the two of you can become collaborative wtiters, and you will never worry about going out again.

Abby

#

deer abby,

i hav nevr lernt to spell rite or any of that stuff but I want to be afamus riter. does i has to read books to do that or cn i jus go on watchin tv?

dane bred in cincinaty

Dario D.
07-02-2008, 12:28 PM
Dear Dane, Bred in Cincinnati,

You can most certainly just continue on watching lots of TV. That way, you can hear people speaking correctly, and learn how to not say things like, "Does I has". You might also want to watch your local news once in a while, so you can learn how to spell your own city. That helps when you sign up for things, order packages over the internet, etc... For example, a $1,000 TV you buy on Amazon isn't going to get very far if it's shipped to Cincinaty. In fact, with the way you spell, you probably won't even make it as far as Amazon, because your Google searches will lead you to sites like Amsterdam, Antsy Aardvarks, and Armageddon Anonymous.

As for writing books, I think it's a terrible idea, unless you target your particular genre of expertise; in other words, you might be able to write a prime 101 Ways To Abuse The English Language book... (it would probably sell a lot on the internet).

I might also point out that your avatar has a mustache. Might want to shave or something...

Hope that helps.
- Dario

------

Dear Abby,

I started a religion called The Church of Kill All Homeless People, but I squandered all my savings in church upkeep, and now I may become homeless. Since I truly believe in the message of my church, should I kill myself?

- Bob The Beanie and Beard Slayer

Woof
07-03-2008, 06:51 PM
Dear Bob The Beanie and Beard Slayer,

In all of my years of offering advice to thousands of people, I have never once counseled anyone to kill themselves, but in your case I'm willing to make an exception..haha! Just kidding! God, I just kill myself sometimes. Hahaha. No, sorry, I didn't mean kill..ok, let's get serious here. As an alternative to taking your own life, have you considered switching religions? There are a number to choose from and most of them don't espouse the radical views that your Church does. Also, if you are about to become homeless, this experience could give you the opportunity to walk in a homeless person's worn shoes and develop some sensitivity and compassion for the sufferings of others. Good luck. I hope this experience enlightens you, and if you do become a homeless individual and a panhandler, please don't approach me on the street, as I only give to established charities.



Dear Abby,


I don't know how to put this, because it's sort of embarrassing, but I think I'm in love with President George W. Bush. I know it sounds crazy, but every time I see him on TV with that goofy expression on his face, I practically faint from desire. Don't you think it's so cute how he mispronounces every word? Oh, Abby what am I to do? I know he's married and everything, and most of my friends won't even talk to me any more because of this mad desire I have. I've trying calling Georgie at the White House, but he never returns my calls. And by the way his staff talk to me on the phone, you'd think I was a hired assassin or something. What can I do to get his attention?

Crazy In Love

Nymtoc
07-04-2008, 01:32 AM
Dear Crazy in Love,

Your crush on W is perfectly understandable. Despite his plummeting poll numbers, some people do find him maddeningly attractive. However, you have been going about your campaign in the wrong way. To get his attention, you must wear clothing appropriate to a Middle Eastern sheikdom (I'm assuming you are female, in which case a kaftan, abaya or jilbab will do). Then contact his secretary about a deal that will bring enormous profits to W's friends in the oil industry. You will be granted immediate entry to the Oval Office.

:rolleyes:

Dear Abby,

I am the leader of a group of spiritually enlightened people who believe that I have a direct link to the Almighty. We live in a little commune in the American Southwest. In order to prove their faith, the men in the group have given me all their earthly goods, and the women in the group offer themselves to me on a regular basis. A year ago, I predicted the date on which the world would end. That date is next Thursday. In case I have miscalculated, how do you think I should explain things so that my followers don't think I'm a phony?

Angelic One

Beyondian
07-04-2008, 03:25 AM
Dear Angelic,
It's not usually my policy to help people planning on decieving their innocent and gullible followers. However, since you asked so nicely, I'd simply tell them that you pleaded with the Almighty and managed to persuade him to postpone the destruction of the earth. I believe there are several precedents in Exodus... of a somewhat smaller scale.

Abby

XX

Dear Abby
I just found out that my characters think they're me. What do I do to convince them that this isn't so?

Confused Author

Dario D.
07-04-2008, 03:55 AM
Dear Confused Author,

Did you perhaps write any of your characters to be destined to marry you? That's the only explanation I could think of. Usually, the only types of characters who think they're the author are the ones in autobiographies... but then, they usually don't write to me about it.

- Dario

---

Dear Abby,

I have a neighbor who flung a can of beans into my yard. When I responded by flinging a can into his, he sent me a notice that he had officially declared war on my property. Should I retaliate?

- Henry Who Just Got Back From Buying a $2,000 Industrial Catapult From Home Depot

Matera the Mad
07-04-2008, 04:56 AM
Dear Henry W.J.G.B.F.B.$ I.C.G.H.D.,

I think it is very touching that your neighbor actually "cares a can of beans" about you. You should treasure his friendship.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

Why do some people do nothing but complain about other people? I would never do that, but it is so common these days. Everyone is doing it.

Thumper's Mom

Beyondian
07-04-2008, 05:06 AM
Dear 'Thumper's'
Please look up the word 'oxymoron'. It spectacularly describes your letter.
Abby.


Dear Abby,
I want to get married, but my boyfriend avoids the subject every time I bring it up. He's never invited me to meet his parents, and he spends every second week away on business trips.
He's got great taste in jewelry, though! I was looking in his wallet for some change, and I found an amazing gold ring in it! Kinda cool - a bit like a wedding ring.
Do you think the ring is for me? It looks a bit masculine.

Desperate for Wedding Bells

Dario D.
07-04-2008, 06:09 AM
Dear Desperate For Wedding Bells,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING IN HIS WALLET?? Do you think it's yours? Well, maybe you do...

*ahem*... Wedding rings come in all shapes and sizes. My brother's wedding ring was a tattoo (unfortunately, it's a little more permanent than his marriage). Some people use various other objects or oaths. I'm not sure what mine is going to be yet... All I know is that I've never liked the idea of kneeling down before someone and asking if they want to marry me, as if it's such a *question* that it has to be asked in a yes-or-no-try-not-to-surprise-me format.

So, my answer to you is... forget whether the ring is for you or not. Wait until you know him so well, that you would be able to answer *for him* whether or not he wants to marry you, and even what kind of ring he would get. :)

- Dario

---

Dear Abby,

I am a rodent exterminator. There is this one enclosure at the zoo, filled with some type of ground-hog, that just drives me out of my skull. Should I somehow try to ignore it, or walk by innocently one day, and fumigate the area?

- Leaning Toward Fumigation

Matera the Mad
07-05-2008, 07:38 AM
Dear Leaning,

When is the last time you took a vacation? You are definitely "taking your job home with you" and it looks to me like a case of burnout.

Another possibility is that workplace pollution is affecting your mind. Take a good look in the mirror. Do you see fur on your face? Do your eyes seem to have many facets, and are there more than two of them? If so, you need to de-tox, and fast!

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

I have been married for over fifty years, and for the last twenty there has been no sex whatsoever. Recently I took a good look at my husband and realized that he was dead. I'm not sure exactly when it happened. Should I call someone about this, or just go on as usual?

Lacka-Daisy in Cal

escritora
07-05-2008, 08:10 AM
Dear Lacka-Daisy in Cal,

Neither. Look up necrophilic sex. Enjoy!

Abby


Dear Abby,

I spit as I talk. How can I stop this?

Daffy Duck

Beyondian
07-05-2008, 09:07 AM
Dear Daffy,
There's no need for you to change. It's what makes you who you are. If people complain, make the polite suggestion that they might just try carrying umbrellas around with them.

Abby


Dear Abby,
I'm a little confused. People keep telling me I'm eccentric, but I really don't see how talking to myself and reading books on crime can count as eccentric. Do you think they're talking about the gnomes that live under my house? Those are real!

Not At All Crazy

Matera the Mad
07-06-2008, 08:39 AM
Dear Not At All Crazy,

People are known by the company they keep. If I were you, I would try to find a way to suggest to the gnomes that they seek counseling.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

I just don't understand this modern world. After thousands of years you would think I'd be able to handle almost anything, but even a miserable perpetual vagabond such as myself can be driven mad by the constant dingly-jangling of cell phones. Is there any place on Earth that is free of them?

Ahasuerus

Woof
07-11-2008, 06:38 PM
Dear Ahasuerus,

I would've expected that somebody like you who has been around for thousands of years would have clued in to the latest technology. So, just in case you've been living in a cave for the past decade or so, the news is that you can send and receive text messages on your cell phone without being bugged by any sounds. And you're in luck because the new Apple iphone goes on sale today.


Dear Abby,


I have a secret to share with you that very few people know about; I was born with a second pair of eyes on the back of my head. And having the ability to constantly see behind my back has been a mixed blessing. Once when I was walking down a dark street at night I spotted a man following me who looked dangerous, so I crossed the street and potentially prevented a mugging or attack. But on another occasion I had just parted company with a friend who said goodbye with a smile, but when I turned and walked away, I saw her sneering at me and giving me the finger. Also, the hair on the back of my head frequently irritates my eyes, but if I shaved my head then people would see me staring at them from behind. What advice do you have for me?

Hindsighted in Halifax

HeronW
07-12-2008, 03:39 AM
Dear Hindsighted, two words; braids and shades. Okay that's three because I'm feeling generous.

Dear Abby, I have this condition that causes me to stalk advice givers, listen politely, then cut them up and feed the bits to my pet Woof. He's in excellent health, better than the neighbor's dog who ate that pet food from China last year. Do I need to give him vitamin supplements too?

Matera the Mad
07-12-2008, 05:32 AM
Dear Stalker,

I feel really bad about this, but
POW!






dir abby

i haz got problem
i iz kitteh in dog worl
wat iz i do

lolz

Leellana
07-12-2008, 01:39 PM
Dear lolz,
First I would suggest taking an English as a second language course. This way you will be ahead of the dogs and be able to show how superior felines are.
Second, sharpen those claws because you are going to have to fight for what you want in life.
Good luck!

Abby


Dear Abby,
I have a horrible problem with remembering things. Nothing stays in my memory for more than....Where was I? Oh! For more than a few seconds. This makes....um, relationships are for me. Could you help me?

Forgetful in....

HeronW
07-13-2008, 02:43 PM
Dear Forgetful in...

Ah, fuggedaboutdit.

Dear Abby,

Why do you think people ask you for advice when they never follow it?

Headscratcher

Matera the Mad
07-14-2008, 06:08 AM
Dear Headscratcher,

I try not to think about it. Maybe that's why you scratch your head, it itches from too much thinking.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

This has probably been asked a hundred times before, but have you ever met any of the people who write to you, and did you know who each other was? I mean it's like on the internet, nobody really knows who the other person is but they ask you about all this really intimate stuff. So, wouldn't it be interesting to talk to some of them? I hope you don't mind my asking.

Nosy Rosy

t0neg0d
07-14-2008, 07:15 AM
Dear Nosy,

Yes... and I am running out of room in the backyard for the bodies.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

I have this terrible itch... and make the same face as that man riding his bike in the commercial. Like him, my children ridicule me while they think I am not watching. But, I am. And it hurts me... more than the itching. How can I get back at them?

Naut E. Bitzitcher

Matera the Mad
07-15-2008, 06:18 AM
Dear Naut,

Sit on their faces.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

I wonder if you could help me with this . . . My grandfather is always taking his false teeth out to get at stuff that gets underneath them. He holds them out and lets the dog lick them clean. It is very embarrassing when he does this at a picnic in the park. How could I suggest to him, without hurting his feelings, that he at least wait until we are in the car before having his dentures Spot-cleaned?

Chagrin And Bear It

t0neg0d
07-15-2008, 06:31 AM
Dear Chagrin,

Tell him while he is sleeping. And then, steal his dentures.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

About a month ago, my daughter started getting her period. We took down the "red room" from the backyard after my wife hit menopause. How do you suggest we deal with this?

Clotty McBastard

Beyondian
07-15-2008, 10:49 AM
Dear Clotty,
There are delightful little things in the supermarket called tampons. I suggest you stock up on them.

Abby

xxx

Dear Abby

I was, like, late to my best friends birthday party, and she wont talk 2 me nymore. She sayz Im a horibble pusson an she h8s me!
Wot can i do to prove my sincer regrit?
urs

L8ness

t0neg0d
07-15-2008, 11:09 AM
Dear L8ness,

Grits are hard to stomach the first time around... regrits would just make your situation all the worse. Try taking one step up on the white-trash-cuisine buffet line... go with mac-n-cheese. Your friend (and you) will appreciate your efforts.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

I have been considering taking a new position at the Pampers Diaper Manufacturing Plant I currently work at, though I want to be completely sure it is a wise career move. I am sure you are familiar with the stickers you find on different products that state something to the effect of 'Tested by # 6'. Well, here at Pampers, our products are only tested by # 1 and # 2. Just my luck, the # 2 position has become available and I am suffering from severe constipation. I have tried multiple over the counter products, as well as a few prescribed by my physician. Are there any other remedies I may have not tried to help me "fill" the new position?

Pipes R. Clogged

Leellana
07-15-2008, 02:50 PM
Dear Clogged,
First, I'd suggest fruit juice.....lots of it. Then if that doesn't work, stop by your local herbalist's shop and inquire about natural remedies. I'm sure that he or she can give you lots of help. Also congrats on your new position. I hope it all works out in the end. :)

Abby


Dear Abby,
There's a woman at work who I just can not stand. She's mean and gossips about everyone behind their backs, even though she's not descreet enough and most people can hear her anyway. Another co-worker and I have a question for you. How can we best deal with her body?

Frustrated in Liverpool

Matera the Mad
07-16-2008, 05:32 AM
Dear Frustrated,

Since I don't know what sort of disposal facilities you might have in your area, I can only suggest that you do something quickly. It is summer, after all.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

I have been married (and widowed) three times. My present husband is a total wimp. I just can't get aroused. How can I get him to beat me like the others did?

Hannah "The Axe" Schwartzenhooter

Dario D.
08-14-2008, 02:13 AM
Dear Hannah,

Sounds to me like your relationship is in desperate need of some conflict. Try this: don't do the dishes, vacuuming, or laundry for five days, then just when your husband is walking in the door from a long, hard day at work, shout at him for not doing the housework too. If that doesn't extract some abuse, Tabasco Sauce to the eyes should do the trick.

Hope it helps.

- Dario

---

Dear Abby,

I am the greatest women's gymnast in the world. I was trying to participate in the Olympics, but security stopped me just as I entered the floor, and wouldn't let me in. They said, first of all, that I never qualified for anything, and second, that I was a man. How can I convince them that I'm not only the best women's gymnast in the world (not strong enough for the men's stuff; you know, rings and pommel horse), and second, that the Olympics are all about unity and equality? You know... setting aside our differences, and just being who we are. My sister too wants to compete in heavy-weight men's wrestling - she swears she's the best that ever lived - but they say she's too light, and isn't a man. Isn't this discrimination? Shouldn't any human being be eligible to compete?

- Roger, the World's Greatest Women's Gymnast

Leellana
08-16-2008, 10:25 AM
Dear Roger,
Unfortunately for you it's not discrimination since it clearly states that the event is for women and the other is for men. My advice is to practise the men's events or just do the women's events for your own pleasure. Good luck!


Dear Abby,
I have a problem that I hope that you can help me with. You see I'm in love with my cousin but he won't give me the time of day. It's been going on for years and I can't seem to get over it like I know I should. What should I do?
-Cousin Lover in Miss.

Woodsie
08-16-2008, 12:04 PM
Dear Cousin Lover in Miss.,

Oh, sweet Zeus. If this isn't the universal dilemma, then I don't know what is. I have three words for you, Cousin Lover in Miss., and three words only: Your mother's sisters son is the slipperiest hog in the the pen simply because blood is thicker than water. Cook him a gourmet meal of fried okra and creamed corn succotash squash loaf and serve it on a plate of biscuits and red-eye gravy and serve it up on a tummy platter of Cousin Lover in Miss. I guarantee it to work every time. However, you might want to have a sedative to slip in his sweet tea, just in case.

Good Luck!


Dear Abby,

My son is ruining my life. He is dead set on sabotaging every relationship I have with the opposite sex. I will spend all night getting ready to go out and have an enjoyable evening with a new love interest and he repeatedly goes upstairs to my master bedroom and wakes my husband up to tell him where I'm going. Please help me control my son, Abby!

Frustrated Mom in NY

Matera the Mad
08-17-2008, 10:40 PM
Dear Frustrated Mom in NY,

Hoist the little barstit on his own petard -- blackmail him. Set him up with some tart if you have to; just make sure your camera is ready.

Abby

#

Dear Abby,

I have an agent who is SOOOO gorgeous. I would just lurve to get in his pants. Do you think I should send him a nude photo with my next partial?

HungryWriter

Woodsie
08-17-2008, 11:10 PM
Dear HungryWriter,

As I've said before, I am not an agent and cannot do anything to help you get published. I am not interested in having my pants lurved (whatever the hell that means) and, I beg, please do not send me a photo of you naked.

Abby (PS: I am a WOMAN!)

~

Dear Abby:

I can't get my hamster to use his exercise wheel. He's bloated and lazy. He just lays in the same spot day in and day out. He isn't even bathing himself anymore and he stinks to high heaven.

Any Advice?

Animal Lover in Ohio

Matera the Mad
08-18-2008, 07:38 AM
Dear Animal Lover in Ohio,

I am very sorry, but it sounds like your hamster has probably gone to the Big Hamster Wheel in the Sky. I am sure he is very happy there. Since he has no need for his earthly form any more, you should look in the Yellow Pages under Pet Cemetary or consult a veterinarian about possible alternatives.

On the other hand, if you are of a more callous nature, you might find some other use for it -- like putting it under the seat of your worst enemy's car.

Abby.

#

Dear Abby,

Could you tell me how to attract lurkers? All my friends have them. I feel so unloved.

Mildred Mildew

P.H.Delarran
08-29-2008, 10:47 AM
dear mildew,
just sit.
wait.
wait just a little more.
one day, not too soon, someone who is terribly bored will come along and watch you.
i'm sure of it. i'm a little fascinated myself.
can i sit here and lurk?

--abby


---
Dear Abby,
my dog stinks because he digs in the trash. but all I have for money is food stamps so I make him people food, which doesn't seem to satisfy him. maybe because I'm a vegetarian.
should I sell my jewelry to buy him real dog food?? is this ethical?
-Burgers are for Boogers in Boston

Nymtoc
10-20-2008, 08:04 AM
Dear Burgers,

Why are you living on food stamps if you have jewelry? This makes no sense. Why don't you sell your jewelry to satisfy your own needs? There is nothing unethical about selling your jewelry in order to buy dog food, but I would examine my priorities if I were you. Dogs, trash, jewelry and vegetarianism amount to a very curious mix. I hope you are not making all this up, because I have a lot of other letters to answer, and I don't appreciate people who come to me with silly problems.

Abby.

:ROFL:

Dear Abby,

Last week I was digging a hole in my backyard to plant a tree. All of a sudden this black stuff started gushing out. I'm pretty sure it is oil. But I'm in favor of green energy, and I think oil is bad. I filled the hole up with cement and haven't told anybody about it. If I put up a derrick and start pumping the oil, I might become a millionaire, but wouldn't that make me a terrible, greedy person who pollutes the planet? I'm so confused I can't eat or sleep. Please tell me what to do.

Ethically Challenged

Deccydiva
10-20-2008, 08:07 PM
Dear Ethically Challenged,

This is an easy one. You get a survey done to prove the oil is there, then sell the whole property. With the nicely laundered cash from the sale, you can pay your bill for the survey, purchase a plot where you fancy, put a caravan on it and campaign for your favourite cause for the rest of your life, knowing you don't have to work for a living any more as you can live off the remaining proceeds.

Dear Abby,

I have got so fat I can't use the paper when I visit the bathroom. My best friend has refused to oblige and I have tried winding paper around my walking cane but it's still way too awkward. What can I do?

Paper Mate

Pagey's_Girl
10-21-2008, 12:08 AM
Dear Paper Mate,

I would recommend purchasing a squeegee like the ones used at gas stations to clean windshields. It has the added advantage of being reuseable.

Dear Abby,
I met the cutest guy last week at a paty, but he's kind of shy. How do i know if he's into me or not?
Clueless

MissKris
10-21-2008, 02:03 AM
Dear Clueless,

The cute boys are never shy in real life. That only happens in books and movies. If he is acting shy, it likely has more to do with you than the boy. Are you ugly? Do you smell bad? You need to give that poor boy a break and stop pestering him. I am especially concerned because you appear to be violating the 500 feet requirement from the restraining order by "meeting" this boy at the party last week.

Abby


Dear Abby,

It's raining all the time. My dog likes my husband better than me. I got my five hundreth rejection letter today. My clothes don't fit anymore. My kids laugh at me behind my back. My life seems to be a landslide of failed hopes and dreams. What should I do?

Suffering in Scranton

Woof
10-21-2008, 06:19 PM
Dear Suffering in Scranton,

I would look on the bright side if I were you. You say that "it's raining all the time". Well, if you were living in the Sahara desert, would that be a bad thing? You write that "My dog likes my husband better than me". Honestly, would you really like your face licked in the middle of the night? "I got my five hundreth rejection letter today" you say. Well, at least they're still responding to you. Do you have any idea how many writers are totally ignored and receive no rejection slips at all?! And "my kids laugh at me behind my back". I don't believe that for a second. I'm certain that your kids laugh at you right to your face. As for "my life seems to be a landslide of failed hopes and dreams", aren't you being a tad melodramatic? An earthquake or a tsunami of failed hopes and dreams I could understand. But "a landslide", really.

Realistically, the only conceivable solution I can offer you is to go directly to Amazon.com and order all of my 37 self-help books.



Dear Abby,


This is a somewhat embarrassing situation and I hope you can help me. The problem is that whenever my wife and I go to visit her mother, and after I'm there just a few minutes I start to vomit. Most of the times I've managed to get to the bathroom on time, but on other occasions I've unfortunately made a mess on the carpet. I've gone to a doctor to check out any possible allergies, and have even seen a psychiatrist to see whether the source of the problem is emotional or psychological. But nobody has been able to determine the cause. I just don't know. Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that every time we walk through the door, my mother-in-law says to my wife "Oh, I see you've brought the cockroach again."

Bilious in Biloxi

Nymtoc
10-21-2008, 06:46 PM
Dear Bilious,

Your situation is not simple. If you had not already consulted experts, I would think your problem was emotional, but since no one has been able to determine its cause, I suspect something else must be involved.

You say your mother-in-law always refers to you as a cockroach. Let's look at things from her perspective. What does she see when she looks at you? Since you haven't told me what you look like, I'm forced to wonder about your appearance. For instance, did you wake up one morning and find that you had changed physically? Did you ever look at your body and see not your familiar self but something different--perhaps something repellent?

By the way, are your initials F. K.?

Abby

:ROFL:

Dear Abby,

My girlfriend has developed a curious hobby. She has taken up taxidermy. At first our relationship seemed fine, but now she spends every spare minute pulling the guts out of dead animals. I mean, our relationship is pretty good otherwise. Oh, sometimes she gives me a funny look and calls me "the beast," but that's all. Do you think I should be concerned about this or just chalk it up as a little idiosyncrasy?

Pondering

willfulone
10-21-2008, 09:25 PM
Dear Pondering:

Ponder no more. The lass is learning taxidermy for a reason. You will not have to worry about the reason until you start to get entrail soup for dinner and the size of her animals matches yours. When she has successfully mastered a great stuffed specimen your size - run. Until then, enjoy her uniqueness. You will not find such anywhere else.

Abby

Dear Abby:

My problem? My problem is everyone else's problems. They whine, they complain, the come to me and cry on my shoulder. They care not that I have little time for all their needs and still get some sleep. I do not wish to push some of them away for I do really understand the need. But, can you tell me how to get rid of the useless hypochondriacs who only wish to whine about their never ending cough that is cancer, their headaches that are brain tumors and their rashes that are flesh eating? If I can get rid of those, I can handle the others. Thanks a lot Abby!

Signed:

My pals are a pain in the ass.

Pagey's_Girl
10-21-2008, 10:59 PM
Dear PITA:

Become a doctor and start charging them. Problem solved.

Dear Abby:
I think my husband loves his car more than he does me. More than once I've smelled exhaust on his breath, and while I was doing the laundry I found crumpled-up receipts for oil changes in his trouser pockets. Oil changes! What kind of man thakes his car out for an oil change? Then, last night, I had to work late and when I got home I caught him "in the act" in the garage with that little red Corvette! Now he wants a divorce. he says he's going to marry the car. Do you think we should get marital counseling?

Baby You're Much Too Fast

willfulone
10-22-2008, 01:46 PM
Dear Baby Your Too Fast:

Skip the marital counceling. It will keep you together. Run, do not walk to the lawyer for your divorce. Ask for that little red corvette in the deal. Let him take the dog and his hunting trophies and his mom. You keep the car. That'll teach 'em.

Abby

Dear Abby:

My problem is one of a very sensitive nature. I am almost afraid to state it out loud (or in print). I ask that you destroy this missive as soon as you reply. I would appreciate it.

I cannot use clippers and need advice. Clippers scare me. A lot. I hate the clicking and the fear I will nick myself while trimming my nails. I have fingernails that I do not mind growing long and I can file those when necessary to keep them neat. BUT, I cannot file my toenails. They do not yield to the sand on the file. Sanders of a power tool nature cannot be used, I will rub off my skin too. Thus, I must chew them. The other day my hubby caught me and now refuses to kiss me. He shudders when I try to even kiss his cheek. I fear this will destroy my marriage. I have been married for 32 years now and do not see getting a divorce over this. After all, I have been chewing my toenails all this time and he has kissed me. Why not now? What can I do - hypnotherapy did not work. I tried. Please impart some wisdom to save my failing marriage.

Clipper skared lady.

Pagey's_Girl
10-22-2008, 06:17 PM
Dear Clipper Skared Lady,

Have you tried a flexible shaft Dremel? These can be easily speed-controlled, which will prevent you from sanding your toe off while filing your nails. They also come with a number of attachments which make pedicures easy.

As for your husband - I would recommend one of the devices used in the movie Men In Black. One quick glance into the light and he'll forget all about that night. :D

Dear Abby,
What is the best way to deal with rude callers on the phone at work? I am not suppposed to put them through to the company's president, but they call me all kinds of nasty names when I don't and it really hurts me feelings. What should I do?
Sad Little Bunny

willfulone
10-23-2008, 01:31 AM
Dear Bunny:

I feel your pain. My secretary bemoans the same thing for I refuse to accept unsolicited calls. I will tell you what I told her. "Suck it up honey, I can find 10 more of you at the Walmart check out. And, probably pay them less. With benefits, they will live here 24/7 without OT payment." Her hide got good and tough right away.

Abby.

Dear Abby:

I have this wart on my nose. Right on the tip - it is large too. I cannot find a doctor to remove it for me. Say some such about blood vessels and the like. Freezing the thing did not make it drop off like Dr. Scholl promised. I hate the kiddies always saying I am a witch. And a wicked one like in Oz. What can I do to get rid of this thing? Should I take a razor blade to it?

Wartsy

freddieismyqueen
10-23-2008, 02:34 PM
Dear Wicked Witch of the West,

I am sure you are a lovely, unique, intelligent individual with a lot to contribute to society. If people judge you based on a superficial wart, they are the ones with the problem: not you.

With that said, have you ever considered dying your skin green to better complement said wart?

Abby.

**

Dear Abby,

I'm a 16 year old girl and I think I'm ttly in love with my dog. It gives me more attention than any stupid boy. How do I handle this without everyone being all like, OMG?

Pooch Perv

Woof
10-23-2008, 05:25 PM
Dear Pooch Perv,

If you want your friends to honor the relationship you have with your dog, you may want to demonstrate your commitment to each other in a way that might earn the respect of others. Have you considered wearing matching collars?


Dear Abby,

I have no problems at all, but I do have a couple of questions for you. Is it true that your real name is not actually Abby aka Abigail Van Buren, but in fact, Gretchen Thelma Lipchitz? And that you didn't really graduate from Columbia with a Masters in Journalism and a PHD on psychology, but quit high school and moved on to be the night hostess at a Denny's in Scranton, PA ? So, what's the truth, "Abby" ? Don't you think it's time to come clean?

Wary in Wisconsin

dochas
10-23-2008, 05:46 PM
Dear Wary,

Walter, is that you?? I knew you'd turn up sooner or later, you deadbeat. Where's my money? Now that I know you're in Wisconsin (living with mommy again?), the authorities will find you and drag your sorry a** back to court to make you cough up the 12 months of child support you owe me.

Abby/Gretchen


Dear Abby,

I always pick the wrong men. They seem to be decent guys at first, but then turn out to be whiny momma's boys who can't satisfy me unless I spank them first. How do I find a real man?

Sick of Saps

willfulone
10-24-2008, 01:37 AM
Dear Sas:

You will only find a real man if you subscribe to "Hunter's Digest", "Fishing Weekly" or "Guns n Ammo". In the back of these mags are all sort of "real men" in search of a nice tough broad to spank themselves. Barring your wish to be on every stalker wish list for your reading material - you CAN move to Alaska where men outnumber women several to one. There they must really, really be men and show it to beat out the competition for the sassy lassies like yourself.

Abby

Dear Abby:

I am in love. Really in love. Not that weird stalker stuff where I follow the dude around and such. I never follow him. I just go where he has been so I can feel close to him. Now, he does not seem to know I am alive. Not really. And, I wonder, what is my next step (I will present my two preferred choices) to get him to notice me?

1. Do I ram into the back of his car and exchange info that way so he can meet me and finally see what a great gal I am.

OR

2. Should I join the church group his mama belongs to and befriend her so she tells me about her "wonderful single son" I would be perfect for and have her work on him for me.

Let me know - and thanks a ton!

Crazy in Love

freddieismyqueen
10-24-2008, 03:39 PM
Dear Crazy,

While both of those are viable options, they are rather commonplace in romantic comedies. Were you to enact either plan, he would clearly see your motives.

For better results, I suggest actually stalking the man you are in love with. He would become aware of your existence and I'm sure that he would take some sort of action.

Prior to enacting this plan, I suggest you ensure that you look into a highly respected attorney.

Abby

***

Dear Abby,

Someone offered me $50 to eat a brown recluse spider. I'm just curious as to whether or not I should take them up on the offer. I am hard pressed for cash right now.

Also, would eating a brown recluse actually kill me?

-Broke in Ohio

willfulone
10-25-2008, 12:57 AM
Dear BIO:

If you can stand eating the pooper end first, you MAY have a chance. By the time you get to the head, it should be dead and no longer poisonous. But, I cannot guarantee your safety in my suggesting so. Thus, I but tell you to bow out of this bet.

If you really, really, must make some bucks, you can danceon a stripper pole (male or female will not matter) and not have to worry about death falling to you. I hear it is great exercise and you may really enjoy it and find all your money problems solved (as long as you are willing to provide "service" for tips off the books.

Don't eat spider!

Abby.

Dear Abby:

I found an unusual egg on my bureau the other night when I returned from a "tinkle pot" break. Thinking it was blurry eyed night time half asleep (or a dream) issue, I did not think about it. When I got up in the morning, there was nothing there. It has been a week now and this "egg" pops up randomly in shoes and pockets - only to disappear when I reach for it. What is going on?

Eggstremely frustrated at this mystery.

sommemi
08-25-2009, 09:30 PM
Dear Eggstremely frustrated:
Although the Easter bunny HAS been known to play tricks on people from time to time throughout the year to keep busy, it's highly unlikely that he would play tricks on you repeatedly. He often gets bored quickly and moves on to much more interesting people after the first time or two.
Here is my suggestion: First, assess the amounts of medication that you are taking, as you are more likely to be taking the wrong amount and that is why you are seeing eggs where they shouldn't be. Two, if your medication is fine, then I suggest you get checked for glaucoma or a cateract. If the egg is there, then dissapears when you move, it's very possible that you have a blind spot in your eye.

Either way, please wash your socks often if they are showing up in your shoes, and make sure that you have lots of boiled water on hand for when you find all of them. Storing that many fresh eggs is difficult. It's much easier to hard boil them.

Abby.


--------------------------------------------
Dear Abby...
Um, how long is it appropriate to hide in your 3rd cousin's closet before she is fully asleep? I've been behind this secret panel every night for 3 weeks and I still haven't figured out what time is ideal to go home in the dark. Also, is it safer to ride my 10-speed, or just take the late night RTA bus?

Loving my family in Kentucky

Albedo of Zero
08-27-2009, 04:08 AM
Dear Loving,

Kissing cousin etiquette prescribes that you pack your lunch, take a compass and an alarm clock on such outings. Neither your 10 speed nor the RTA are appropriate get away vehicles. Instead, you must descend the secret stairs to the moat and pay the ferry man a sixpence. Good luck.


Dear Abby,

I'm almost embarrassed to write this, but I need to know how to get out of this situation. While having an affair with my boss, his wife came home...they proceeded to argue in the parlor with Colonel Mustard. Here's my dilemma... I so wanted to hear what was going on, so I put my head through the banister railings and got stuck. That's where I am now..under a (fortuitous) pile of laundry so no one will notice me..whatever shall I do?

Dirty Eavesdropping Laundry

Snowstorm
08-27-2009, 05:01 AM
Dear Dirty,

It's your ears that are preventing you from removing your head. Turn around so you are facing up. Then sit up. Your head will pop out. While you are working your way loose, check out the laundry. Does any of the wife's clothes fit?



Dear Abby,
My sister and brother-in-law just left after a three week vacation in our home. They forgot their sex toys in the nightstand. It's embarrassing enough, but what's worse is I don't know what most of them DO! What do I say to tell them they left their toys? What do I SAY!?

Matera the Mad
08-27-2009, 09:02 AM
Dear anonymous embarrassed one,

Don't worry -- I'm sure they know already that they left them behind, and are hoping that they will never hear from you again.

Now, as to what to do with them, I would suggest that Google is your friend.



Dear Abby,

What do you give to the man who has everything but has less than a week to live? My dear rich uncle will soon pass away, and I want him to know how much I love him.

G. R. Edy

Lavern08
08-27-2009, 07:55 PM
Dear G.R.

If you really want to prove your love to your rich uncle, give him all of your internal organs - That should add a few more years to his life and you'll secure a place in his will for sure - IF you survive the surgery.


Dear Abby,

I'm thinking about killing my co-worker who chews and pops bubblegum all day. Is there any way I could eliminate her and get away with it?

sommemi
08-27-2009, 08:02 PM
Dear Eliminator....
YES. But... well, it would require a lot of work and there's a good chance that you would still hear her gum popping in the middle of the night emanating up from the floorboard of your bedroom. So I wouldn't recommend it. Really. Just don't. Try switching her gum with bacon flavored gum and see if she still does it. Even if she does, it should be amusing to see how people react to her when she talks to them too close.

Abby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Abby,
I just found out that the ring my fiance bought me was originally recovered from someone's colon and that's why he got it on discount. It doesn't smell, but the coloring on the bad is kinda funny. Should I trade it?

Sincerely,
Funky fingers

Matera the Mad
09-21-2009, 07:57 AM
Dear Funky,
Perhaps your fiancé could use a hint about the importance and appropriateness of such gifts. You might get him a package of recycled toilet paper for a birthday present, or even a bottle of eau de toilette that is actually from...need I say?
Abby



Dear Abby,
My hubby is an awful bed-hog. If I don't get in before he does, I'll be lucky to have any space at all, and he always gets sleepy before I do. I've suggested that we get separate beds, but he doesn't like that idea. He doesn't think there's a problem at all. But then he's not the one who ends up on the floor every other night. What would you suggest?
Rolling Off

meeeeegin
10-10-2009, 10:24 PM
Dear Abby,
My hubby is an awful bed-hog. If I don't get in before he does, I'll be lucky to have any space at all, and he always gets sleepy before I do. I've suggested that we get separate beds, but he doesn't like that idea. He doesn't think there's a problem at all. But then he's not the one who ends up on the floor every other night. What would you suggest?
Rolling Off

Dear Floor Buddy,
Man up and kick his butt out of bed!



Dear Abby,
I made a mistake. I slept with this girl the two weeks ago and now I have this itchy, burny feeling around my rectum. What could that be and how do I get rid of it?

ad_lucem
10-11-2009, 03:20 AM
Dear Mr. Itchy Nethers,

It could be any number of things, some of which can be treated with penicillin, others which can't really be treated with anything (think: maintenance drugs--the kind you see on those clever little commercials that proudly proclaim that one of the lovely young couple has the disease but the other doesn't! yet, anyway).

The best bet would probably be a trip to the local nether-parts doctor for a check-up. But, if you don't have insurance, you could always try the home remedy listed in Aunt Vicky's Volume on Venereal Vexations which states: "Most social diseases respond favorably to a warm sitz bath of diluted hydrochloric acid."

Of course, if you take this route and something unpleasant should occur please remember to take it up with Aunt Vicky's legal team not your Dear Abby.

Thanksverymuchgoodbyethen,

Abby


Dear Abby,
Some of my in-laws have the curious habit of sacrificing chickens on my kitchen table during Thanksgiving dinner, ostensibly for the purpose of divining their future for the coming year's harvest. What is a polite way to address the situation of the gooey gizzards being slopped about over the mashpotatoes? (I think it might be offending some of our other guests.)

Respectfully Yours,

Aruspicina Ally

Matera the Mad
10-11-2009, 08:58 AM
Dear Aruspicina Ally,

Though the rite is certainly in keeping with the harvest theme of Thanksgiving, their concern for the future is a little out of place at a feast dedicated to giving thanks for present bounty. You could suggest to them that they hold the sacrifice at some other time, perhaps at your Halloween party. Or, perhaps, that if they are truly serious, they should offer their firstborn children as a sacrifice (assuming of course that you and your spouse are not the eldest in your families). Most important, I think, is to maintain peace at the dinner table. You should at least consider providing restraints for the chickens so that they don't run all over the food after their heads are cut off.

Abby



Dear Abby,

Our daughter goes to an all-boys school. So far she has gotten by because she is -- shall we say -- not too developed physically, and health issues have allowed her to be excused from physical education. However, she is much healthier now, and wants to join the football team. We do not think this is a good idea. What would you suggest?

Concerned Parents

ad_lucem
10-12-2009, 09:55 PM
Dear Concerned Parents,

Not to worry! I'm sure a little T (for testosterone) and some "performance enhancing drugs" should alleviate any troublesome symptoms of femininity! Remember, girls will be boys and boys will be girls--it's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world.

Abby


.....

Dear Abby,

Ever since my dog fell on the tile, head-first, while attempting to scale the fridge, and the subsequent seizure, he's been acting a bit strangly. What should I do?

Best,

Pet Lover Pete

Nymtoc
10-13-2009, 12:35 AM
Dear Pet Lover Pete,

The key word for you is "understanding." From now on, you must devote yourself to a sympathetic understanding of everything your dog does, how he does it, and what every movement of his paw or nose or tail may mean. Does he cock his head to the right or to the left when he hears his name called? A leftward cock may indicate rebelliousness, while a rightward one may indicate excessive caution. When you have successfully deciphered these and other clues, you may be able to establish a nurturing relationship with your pet and help him back to canine normalcy.

If this fails, turn him in to an animal shelter and get yourself a better dog.

Abby


Dear Abby,

I seem to have all the good things in life, being in good health, having more money than I know what to do with, and being married to a beautiful woman. This may sound strange, but ever since I got married my wife seems to find excuses to be away during the evening. Sometimes, in fact, she doesn't come home until morning. She tells me that she is volunteering at various charities, including a shelter for homeless pigeons. What do you suppose this means?

Worried Spouse

P.S. My wife is 23. I am 88.

ad_lucem
10-13-2009, 03:40 AM
Dear Worried Spouse,

Ask yourself these questions: Have you had a strong metallic taste in your mouth of unknown origin? Mysterious weight and/or hair loss accompanied by acute abdominal pain, rectal bleeding, or blindness?

If the answer to the above questions is "no", then, I'd say everything in your marriage is going about as well as could be expected. If "yes", well, you might want to reevaluate your situation.

Best,

Abby



Dear Abby,

My husband left me because I gained a little weight. Now I'm alone and running low on my much-needed supply of Little Debbie Snack Cakes. So, I have two questions for you: What kind of a bastard is my former husband? and Do you know if Hostess has a delivery hotline?

Thanks,

Big Bertha in Baltimore

P.S. By a little weight, I mean just enough to completely reduce my mobility to zero and using tarps from the Bass Pro Shop with a neck hole for clothing. Really, just a smidge, barely even noticeable, really.

Matera the Mad
11-07-2009, 08:55 AM
Dear BB in B,

I don't know if your husband was born out of wedlock or not, but he sounds like a sensible fellow, the kind who doesn't want to wake up dead by suffocation.

As for the delivery problem, have you ever considered applying for a job at a Little Debbie factory? They always have some broken product to dispose of. You could spend the rest of your probably few days sitting at the end of a conveyor belt with your mouth open.

Abby



Dear Abby,

I'm sure you hear this all the time, but you are one of my favorite people. You are so sexy! How about giving me a call--my cell is ###-####.

Heavy Breather

P.H.Delarran
11-07-2009, 10:52 AM
Dear Heavy Breather,
While your offer sounds tempting, my lawyer insists that I refrain from personal contact with those seeking advice. However, I have a security guard who is a heavy breather like you, I will give him your number.

Dear Abbey,
I have an obsession with Facebook applications, and frankly I don't know how I ever lived without Farkling, Farming, and F-ing people up as a Mobster-would it be a wise career move to become a professional Facebooker, since this is all I love doing??

Signed,
Don Xiote in another life

AlishaS
11-07-2009, 11:56 PM
Dear Don Xiote in another life,
Of course I think it would be wise for you to quit your job and become a full time facebooker, just don't come crying to me when your house and car gets reposessed, your partner leaves you for someone with a "real" job and you gain an unspeakable amount of weight because you sit on your ass all day. You don't actually get excersise from milking your cows or shearing your sheep.


Dear Abby,
Sometimes I get the strangest feeling in my body, sort of like an orgasimy pins and needles type and than I black out. Sometimes I wake up in strange places naked or sometimes there are bodies in my bed that I have to discreetly dispose of. Could I be some freaky werewolf addicted to sex?

Thanks.

Naked Wolf

Matera the Mad
11-08-2009, 06:33 AM
Dear Naked Wolf,

Have you talked to your thereapist about this? It might be that your meds need adjusting.

Abby



Dear Abby,

I get so pissed of when people call me by my middle name. How can I make them stop it?

Johannecharevinium Bob Winderheimer

P.H.Delarran
11-08-2009, 07:00 AM
Dear Johannecharevinium Bob Winderheimer,

Try swapping your first and middle names. Then they will no longer call you by your middle name. Oh, and disown your cruel parents.


Dear Abbey,
my cat stares at me all the time. I have always suspected he is reading my thoughts, and this freaks me out, so now I am considering taking him to the pound. since he reads my mind, how can I arrange this without him knowing?

-Meow Mad in Minnesota

Matera the Mad
11-09-2009, 09:15 AM
Dear Meow Mad,

Convince yourself that the pound is called Cat Heaven and that all the kittehz there get tuna every day and have featherbeds to sleep on (and the beds are replaced as soon as they are torn apart) and no one ever pushes them off the furniture. Then see if Puss doesn't grab your car keys and drag you to the door.

Abby


Dear Abby,

My whole life has been nothing but one failure after another. I can't keep any job more than a month. My third wife just divorced me, leaving me with nothing but the shirt on my back. Even my dog has left me. Can you think of any good reason why I shouldn't just end my life?

Suicidal Sam

AlishaS
11-09-2009, 09:25 AM
Dear Suicidal Same,

No, I really can't think of a good reason not to end your life however I can offer you some methods in getting the job done.
-Do the eat Mcdonalds diet, it might take a while but you will eventually die of a heart attack
-Throw yourself off a roof, chances are it will kill yourself...maybe
-Park your car on a hill, put it in neutral and let it run you over
-I have also heard that a gun in the mouth is pretty effective, messy but effective.

Abby


Dear Abby,

My husband is cheating on me, he has found himself a younger, sexy version of himself. What should I do?

Signed,
Did I turn my husband into a "happy" man?

Matera the Mad
11-11-2009, 07:32 AM
Dear "Did I...",

I'm sure your husband is enjoying an advanced state of gaiety, to say the least. Why not leave well enough alone and haunt the singles bars yourself?

Abby



Dear abby,

If I've told my hubby once, I've told him a thousand times, I don't want flowers on my birthday. So what does he always get me? Flowers. I wouldn't mind if he didn't spend so much on them, but the cost seems to rise every year. We could have a vacation in Hawaii for the price of a few birthdays. How can I get it through his head that I'd rather see flowers growing in Hawaii than watch them turn brown on the coffee table?

Flora No

Wayne K
11-12-2009, 01:31 AM
Dear Flora no,

This is why God spread across the land the wonder of untracable poisons. You have a search engine, use it.

Abby


Dear Abby,

I have a habit of giving bad advice. What should I do.

Word juggernaut.

Matera the Mad
11-12-2009, 05:51 AM
Dear Word juggernaut,

Contact your local newspaper. Perhaps they need to fill some extra space, and an advice column is ecellent for that.

Abby



Dear Abby,

Do you ever get the feeling that people are making up a lot of fake problems just to get some attention?

Wondering wanderer