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- Apr 30, 2008
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Here’s what I posted yesterday… BTW, I changed the first sentence just as I put it up and can see how poorly it reads.
“Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with one thing I’d change about my life. I wouldn’t change my career. I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief moment in time, I felt like my life was moving on a fast track towards perfection.
Of course, it didn’t last. Once I had the blasted picture in my hand and seared into my brain, all of my good feelings came to a screeching halt. The fast track became the tangled track and perfection became chaos and confusion, suspicion and doubt. "
I got some great feedback, a suggestion to eliminate some of the “wouldn’t" and, of course, the “have been able to come up with” and it gives a much better flow…
"Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn't have changed one thing about my life. I wouldn't have changed my career, or my boyfriend, or even myself."
For that brief…”
Unfortunately, although a great suggestion, when I put that into my story, it didn’t work. It just didn't make the point strong enough.
It’s my opening line and the story is about my character feeling on top of the world until she gets this picture . The picture triggers deep rooted insecurities that she thought she was over. The next thing she knows, all she can think about is making changes to herself. And, as a result, her whole world starts to fall apart.
I need the opening to be very specific that my character is happy with everything in her life and especially that she is happy with herself. And, I really need the statement that she wouldn’t change a thing about herself to stand out.
Here was my original and, while it doesn’t have the “have been able to come up with,” it still has all of the “wouldn’t’“…
Until the day I got the picture, I would have been pressed to come up with even one thing I’d change about my life. I wouldn’t change my career. I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief…”
I’ve also tried…
“Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn’t have changed one thing about my life. I wouldn’t change my career, my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief…”
Still a lot of “wouldn’t
Although the story deals with insecurities and human weaknesses, it is told from a more humorous angle.
I'd appreciate any suggestions. Thanks.
“Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with one thing I’d change about my life. I wouldn’t change my career. I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief moment in time, I felt like my life was moving on a fast track towards perfection.
Of course, it didn’t last. Once I had the blasted picture in my hand and seared into my brain, all of my good feelings came to a screeching halt. The fast track became the tangled track and perfection became chaos and confusion, suspicion and doubt. "
I got some great feedback, a suggestion to eliminate some of the “wouldn’t" and, of course, the “have been able to come up with” and it gives a much better flow…
"Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn't have changed one thing about my life. I wouldn't have changed my career, or my boyfriend, or even myself."
For that brief…”
Unfortunately, although a great suggestion, when I put that into my story, it didn’t work. It just didn't make the point strong enough.
It’s my opening line and the story is about my character feeling on top of the world until she gets this picture . The picture triggers deep rooted insecurities that she thought she was over. The next thing she knows, all she can think about is making changes to herself. And, as a result, her whole world starts to fall apart.
I need the opening to be very specific that my character is happy with everything in her life and especially that she is happy with herself. And, I really need the statement that she wouldn’t change a thing about herself to stand out.
Here was my original and, while it doesn’t have the “have been able to come up with,” it still has all of the “wouldn’t’“…
Until the day I got the picture, I would have been pressed to come up with even one thing I’d change about my life. I wouldn’t change my career. I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief…”
I’ve also tried…
“Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn’t have changed one thing about my life. I wouldn’t change my career, my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief…”
Still a lot of “wouldn’t
Although the story deals with insecurities and human weaknesses, it is told from a more humorous angle.
I'd appreciate any suggestions. Thanks.