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Need some help with this opening line

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MsK

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Here’s what I posted yesterday… BTW, I changed the first sentence just as I put it up and can see how poorly it reads.
“Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with one thing I’d change about my life. I wouldn’t change my career. I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief moment in time, I felt like my life was moving on a fast track towards perfection.
Of course, it didn’t last. Once I had the blasted picture in my hand and seared into my brain, all of my good feelings came to a screeching halt. The fast track became the tangled track and perfection became chaos and confusion, suspicion and doubt. "

I got some great feedback, a suggestion to eliminate some of the “wouldn’t" and, of course, the “have been able to come up with” and it gives a much better flow…
"Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn't have changed one thing about my life. I wouldn't have changed my career, or my boyfriend, or even myself."
For that brief…”

Unfortunately, although a great suggestion, when I put that into my story, it didn’t work. It just didn't make the point strong enough.
It’s my opening line and the story is about my character feeling on top of the world until she gets this picture . The picture triggers deep rooted insecurities that she thought she was over. The next thing she knows, all she can think about is making changes to herself. And, as a result, her whole world starts to fall apart.
I need the opening to be very specific that my character is happy with everything in her life and especially that she is happy with herself. And, I really need the statement that she wouldn’t change a thing about herself to stand out.

Here was my original and, while it doesn’t have the “have been able to come up with,” it still has all of the “wouldn’t’“…
Until the day I got the picture, I would have been pressed to come up with even one thing I’d change about my life. I wouldn’t change my career. I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief…”

I’ve also tried…
“Until the day I got the picture, I wouldn’t have changed one thing about my life. I wouldn’t change my career, my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
For that brief…”
Still a lot of “wouldn’t

Although the story deals with insecurities and human weaknesses, it is told from a more humorous angle.
I'd appreciate any suggestions. Thanks.
 

Stew21

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"Until I got the picture, I would not have changed one thing about my life. Not my career. Not my boyfriend. Not one thing about myself. For that brief..."

Don't be afraid to use sentence fragments for punch and effect.
Maybe not exactly like I have done it, but let it fragment if it provides the right emphasis.
 

alleycat

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I'll offer this.

Switching up the "until" part . . .

"I was happy until the day I got the picture. Before that I wouldn't have changed one thing about my life . . . "

or

"I was happy with my life until the day I got the picture. Before that I wouldn't have changed one thing; not my career, or my boyfriend . . . "

You might also think about substituting "content" or "satisfied" for "happy". Those words seem truer to what you're trying to say.
 

mscelina

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Until the day I got the picture, I would have been pressed to come up with even one thing I’d change about my life. I wouldn’t change my career. I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.
I agree with Stew to a point--your opening line has got to have a punch and to draw people into your story. Fragments can be used effectively to punctuate your point.

What do you think of this:

Until the day I got the picture(what kind of picture? give us a one-word description that encapsulates why it is important), I would have been pressed(word choice here--pressed, by assumption hard-pressed, might be too weak for what you want to say. What's wrong with it would have been impossible?) to come up with even one thing I’d change about my life. Not I wouldn’t change my career. Not I wouldn’t change my boyfriend. Not one single I wouldn’t even change a thing about myself.

Then follow that up with a single sentence explaining why.

I was happy/perfect/content/fulfilled/on drugs. --whatever works best for the character.

So the edited version would look like this (if it were me):

Until the day I got the damned picture, it would have been impossible to come up with one thing I'd change about my life. Not my career. Not my boyfriend. Not one single thing about myself.

I was happy.
 

alleycat

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Like mscelina, I started to suggest something more about the picture, such as "picture of her" or whatever it's a picture of. Just a hint.
 

MsK

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Thanks for all of the great advice guys. It's helping.
After that opening, we go back to the day she gets the picture and the picture gets described at that time. I guess that is why I didn't elude to what the picture was in that line. I'm going to come up with a one word description that descibes what the picture means to her, such as eye-opening picture, etc...
I've had it worded that way before but keep changing it.
I've only changed the opening few lines 50+ times and I can't say they've gotten better. Good thing I joined AW. I'm going to get that opening line the way I want it once and for all.
Thanks again guys and keep those suggestions coming.
 

ishtar'sgate

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Here's my two cents.

I never thought to change one thing about my life, not my career, not my boyfriend, not myself. Until the day I got the picture. (describe picture) If the picture prompts the story, you'll want to get to it quickly IMO.
Linnea
 
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DWSTXS

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"I used to be happy with my life, I wouldn't have changed one thing about it. I wouldn't have changed my career, or my boyfriend, or even myself."
Then a lightbulb went on over my head, followed by a question mark. A series of them. That's when things changed. forever. For a brief moment, I thought....
 

MsK

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"Until the day I got the eye-opening picture, I couldn’t have come up with one thing I'd change about my life. Not my career. Not my boyfriend. And, most important, not one single thing about myself.
I was happy. Confident. Secure. And, for that brief moment in time, I felt like my life was, finally, moving on a fast track towards perfection.
Of course, it didn’t last. Once I had the blasted picture in my hand and seared into my brain, all of my good feelings came to a screeching halt. The fast track became the tangled track and perfection became chaos and confusion, suspicion and doubt. "
And here I go into the day it all started...

How about this? Any better?
I liked "Impossible to come up with" but my character isn't that secure. Way more secure then she used to be, but, she still has enough doubt to not make that strong of a statement.
I also added "finally" to the headed toward perfection as she hasn't felt that great all of her life.
 

maestrowork

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Personally I don't see a problem with the repetition of "I wouldn't..." It's a good use of rhetoric to emphasize. I think the problem you had with the suggestions was that while in general they were good, it didn't feel right for what you were trying to accomplish. You wanted the repetition. The problem with the repetitions is the other words such as "one thing" or "a thing," etc.

How about:


I would never have changed one thing about my life. I would never change my career. I would never change my boyfriend. I would never change me. For a brief moment, I had felt like my life was moving on a fast track towards perfection.

Until I got the photograph.

It branded my hand and seared into my brain. All of my good feelings came to a screeching halt. The fast track became tangled, and perfection became chaos and confusion, suspicion and doubt.
 
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Meira

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I like maestrowork’s idea of making “until I got the (picture) photograph” the punchline.

Here is my two cents. Less of what she wouldn’t and more of what she loved before it all came crashing down.

My life was perfect. I had no intention of changing anything. I loved my boyfriend. My career was rewarding. In fact, I was rather pleased with myself all around. For that brief moment in time, I felt like my life was moving on a fast track towards perfection.

Until I got the photograph.

Good luck. :)
 

MsK

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Thank you guys for all of the help. I've been tinkering with it and will let it rest for a few days before I go back at it.
I'm overwhelmed by the gracious help I've been given here. WHat a great group of people.
 
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