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Need help breaking down dialogue/internal dialogue

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camlin

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I'm writing a piece that has a paragraph with the MC's internal dialogue, hallucinated dialogue and dialogue from another character. I have absolutely no idea how to format this so it's readable.

A little background. MC is crazy and is hallucinating that a tree is talking to her. The hallucinated dialogue is in italics. The internal dialogue is normal font, not in italics. Finally, the MC's study partner is reading a problem. That dialogue is in quotes.

I'm trying to convey a sense of confusion and emotional upset for the main character, but right now, I have a train wreck. Can anyone help me?

Here's the chunk I need help with (it's a little long -- I'm not looking for a line by line, just wanted to give you context. Of course if you want to do a line by line . . .) And of course -- thank you!

*******************************************************

"Okay, first question," Susan read. "Party A talks to Party B" You are letting them hurt you. Can't you see they all hate you? "about Party A's cow. Party B offers" She hates you. I can smell her hate. You can smell her.

I straightened up in the wooden chair and scooted closer to the table. Just ignore it. "to buy the cow for one thousand dollars. Party A" He hates you too. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even love you.

I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes. Glenn did love me. He told me so. We were planning on what we'd do when we got out of law school. Long term plans. Of course he loved me. He had to. "agrees, if Party B will arrange for the transportation of" How can you think he loves you. He can barely even look at you.

I looked across the table at Glenn. It was true, he was staring at Susan's hands. But he could have been reading the problem along with her. "the cow. Two days later, Party B arrives" No. He's not looking at the exam. He's looking at her. He's looking at her hands, he's held them. He's looking at her arms, he wants them around her. He's looking at her breasts. He's seen them, kissed them. He knows her, her naked body. So much more beautiful than yours.

I couldn't keep the tears from falling from my eyes. It couldn't be true. Glenn was not cheating on me with Susan. He barely had time for me, how could he make time for her? "to take the cow. Party A says the cow has been sold to Party C" Tick, tick, tick. "Was there a contract? If so, identify the breach" He loves her. He is lying to you. They all know and they are all laughing at you. "and the available damages."

Susan looked up, "Okay, so was there a contract?"
 

MumblingSage

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I'd put dashes in dialog so:
"Okay, first question," Susan read. "Party A talks to Party B--" You are letting them hurt you. Can't you see they all hate you? "--about Party A's cow. Party B offers--" She hates you. I can smell her hate. You can smell her.

I straightened up in the wooden chair and scooted closer to the table. Just ignore it. "--to buy the cow for one thousand dollars. Party A--" He hates you too. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even love you.

I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes. Glenn did love me. He told me so. We were planning on what we'd do when we got out of law school. Long term plans. Of course he loved me. He had to. "--agrees, if Party B will arrange for the transportation of--" How can you think he loves you? He can barely even look at you.

I looked across the table at Glenn. It was true, he was staring at Susan's hands. But he could have been reading the problem along with her. "--the cow. Two days later, Party B arrives--" No. He's not looking at the exam. He's looking at her. He's looking at her hands, he's held them. He's looking at her arms, he wants them around her. He's looking at her breasts. He's seen them, kissed them. He knows her, her naked body. So much more beautiful than yours.

I couldn't keep the tears from falling from my eyes. It couldn't be true. Glenn was not cheating on me with Susan. He barely had time for me, how could he make time for her? "--to take the cow. Party A says the cow has been sold to Party C." Tick, tick, tick. "Was there a contract? If so, identify the breach--" He loves her. He is lying to you. They all know and they are all laughing at you. "--and the available damages."

Susan looked up. "Okay, so was there a contract?"

Interesting scene. I was able to follow it as was, although I think the dashes would help. It also is nice that the 'cow contract' thing she's reading isn't unbrearably complicated. I wouldn't splice internal and external monologue while she's reading a chemistry textbook, but for something like this it's all right.
 

Kalyke

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I think even itallics with no dashes would be sufficient. What you should do is to introduce the reader to her way of thinking in small doses before you get to a big part like this. Get them used to the fact that it is her thoughts. If you remember the first "Spiderman" movie when the Green Goblin was looking in the mirror talking to himself, this is sort of like that. People accept it, but you need to give them small snippets before going into large chunks of it.
 

Matera the Mad

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I thought I would see how it went going by standard rules; separating speakers, internal or ex-, and punctuating the pauses. My big mistake was doing it in Word, so I had to fix it all in a text editor anyway (rant) (lol). Here's how it looks:
---------------

"Okay, first question," Susan read. "Party A talks to Party B..."

You are letting them hurt you. Can't you see they all hate you?

"...about Party A's cow. Party B offers..."

She hates you. I can smell her hate. You can smell her.

I straightened up in the wooden chair and scooted closer to the table. Just ignore it.

"...to buy the cow for one thousand dollars. Party A..."

He hates you too. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even love you.

I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes. Glenn did love me. He told me so. We were planning on what we'd do when we got out of law school. Long term plans. Of course he loved me. He had to.

"...agrees, if Party B will arrange for the transportation of..."

How can you think he loves you. He can barely even look at you.

I looked across the table at Glenn. It was true, he was staring at Susan's hands. But he could have been reading the problem along with her.

"...the cow. Two days later, Party B arrives..."

No. He's not looking at the exam. He's looking at her. He's looking at her hands, he's held them. He's looking at her arms, he wants them around her. He's looking at her breasts. He's seen them, kissed them. He knows her, her naked body. So much more beautiful than yours.

I couldn't keep the tears from falling from my eyes. It couldn't be true. Glenn was not cheating on me with Susan. He barely had time for me, how could he make time for her?

"...to take the cow. Party A says the cow has been sold to Party C."

Tick, tick, tick.

"Was there a contract? If so, identify the breach..."

He loves her. He is lying to you. They all know and they are all laughing at you.

"...and the available damages." Susan looked up, "Okay, so was there a contract?"
 

AncientEagle

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I'm no help with technical advice. But you've got me hooked. I want to read the whole thing when it's finished.
 

hammerklavier

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I think you need to add a little personality to the tree, if she thinks it's really talking to her, then she might notice it doing other things.
 

Quentin Nokov

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"Okay, first question," Susan read. "Party A talks to Party B I agree dashes would be sufficient. " You are letting them hurt you. Can't you see they all hate you? "about Party A's cow. Party B offers" She hates you. I can smell her hate. You can smell her.

I straightened up in the wooden chair and scooted closer to the table. Just ignore it. "to buy the cow for one thousand dollars. Party A" He hates you too. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even love you.

I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes. Glenn did love me. He told me so. We were planning on what we'd do when we got out of law school. Long term plans. Of course he loved me. He had to. "agrees, if Party B will arrange for the transportation of" How can you think he loves you. He can barely even look at you.

I looked across the table at Glenn. It was true, he was staring at Susan's hands. But he could have been reading the problem along with her. "the cow. Two days later, Party B arrives" No. He's not looking at the exam. He's looking at her. He's looking at her hands, he's holding them. He's looking at her arms, he wants them around her. He wants her own arms around herself? o_O He's looking at her breasts. He's seen them, kissed them. He knows her, her naked body. So much more beautiful than yours.

I couldn't keep the tears from falling from my eyes. It couldn't be true. Glenn was not cheating on me with Susan. He barely had time for me, how could he make time for her? "to take the cow. Party A says the cow has been sold to Party C" Tick, tick, tick. "Was there a contract? If so, identify the breach" He loves her. He is lying to you. They all know and they are all laughing at you. "and the available damages." <- I like that line it goes with both situations going on.

Susan looked up, "Okay, so was there a contract?" Is Susan saying this? Or is the MC?

Well, I think it would be easier to understand if I knew what Party A B & C were :-/ And the cow o_O Overall, I think it is fine. As long as we know she's talking to a tree and as long as we know what's up with these Parties you're good ^.^ But I would advise dashes . . .
 
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DWSTXS

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I think you wrote it perfectly well. she did, she really did, you know?
well hell? didn't I just tell her that same exact thing?

You shut the F up!

No, YOU shut the F up, jacakass!


You're the jackass!

I am? like hell! You're the ass-head if I ever saw one!

Damn Camlin! see what you've done? Now I can't get any of them to shut up!
 
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camlin

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internal dialogue with distractions

Thanks ya'll!

I'll take a look at it with the dashes like Mumblingsage recommended. I want to keep the pace quick for this scene. From the variations you guys provided me, that version adds clarity without losing the sense of propulsion I wanted to evoke. Of course, DWSTXS and Use Her Name thought it was understandable, so maybe I'll revise with Quentin's notes, which will make it clearer and a dash or two to re-orient the reader.

Seriously, Quentin, Matera and Mumbling, thanks for taking the time to work this through for me so I could see all the options. Hugely appreciated.

Thanks also for the notes -- darned pronouns referring to the noun before them! I'll see if I can put in some "tree personality" but I'm already 150 words over the limit, so I can only add it if I take something else out.

DWSTXS and Ancient Eagle thank you for the kind words. I need all the validation I can get!

You guys are the best.
 

DWSTXS

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some "tree personality"

maybe the tree should tell the girl, to tell her friends to 'make like a tree and leave!'

the tree could have a very punny' personality! LOL
 

Rowdymama

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I hate to disagree with everyone, but I find this just confusing, and I wonder why it was necessary to do it this way.

To me, the line "I straightened up in the wooden chair and scooted closer to the table. Just ignore it" is the way internal dialogue should be written. Where anyone ever got the idea that internal dialogue should be written in italics I have no idea, but it's not true.

If you want to learn how to handle internal dialogue deftly and effectively write IM, read Ruth Rendell. IMO, she is a master of this technique.
 
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