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Kitrianna
05-23-2008, 02:39 AM
Ok, I know that this topic is a downer, but I need some advice beside the hubs "don't get involved" because I am. His younger half sister is being just generally rude and obnoxious (inconversations with other people) towards his step sister. Now, my step sister (we'll skip inlaws to make it easier) just had a beautiful baby girl yeasterday afternoon (I finally have a niece yay!) and the half sister is being prissy because no one called her. I'm pretty certain no one called her because when she was invited to the baby shower, she opted out because "It would be too hard after having lost Warren". Not to sound unsympathetic, but she has been bitchy about my niece being concieved since before she lost my nephew (he died in utero) and she refuses to move on even though it has been 7 months (her favorite line..."Daddy made me a DVD of Warren's pics. It's great to watch if you want a good cry"). I'm worried about her and I need this fighting to stop. I love my little sister inlaw and I love the step sister too. They're both really great people. Someone tell me how I can deal with the sister inlaw because she makes me want to yank my haor out. My step sister...she's a doll. Thank the Lord for that!

alleycat
05-23-2008, 02:53 AM
I can tell you how it sounds (not knowing anything more about it than your post, of course) . . . like you and the sister-in-law have the problem and need to sit down and have a good honest talk and maybe a good cry and get some things out in the open. Then eat lots of chocolate!

Other than that, I would probably vote with your husband. It's awfully hard to solve other people's problems. Most of us are doing pretty good if we can solve our own.

I'm sure I don't know the whole story so it's hard also to offer advice (I'm not qualified to anyway). My comments were just "my thoughts" after reading your post. I could be way off base.

Yeshanu
05-23-2008, 03:06 AM
Kitrianna, sorry to disappoint you, but the best advice I can give you here would echo your hubby's.

Note that neither of us is saying, "Don't care." But don't take sides, or tell one party how to behave, or you'll possibly end up alienating both.

Seven months after a baby died is not enough time to "get over it." And having a new baby in the family so soon afterwards is adding salt to the wound.

Build your relationships with both women by listening, sharing, hugging, caring. Show by example that because you love one doesn't mean you love the other less.

If you really can't stand the fighting (and I don't blame you for this), then when they begin to fight in your presence say, "I'm sorry. I really care a lot about both of you, and this fighting upsets me. Could you please not do that in my presence?" If you're alone with one, and that one begins to harp on the other, say, "I'm sorry, but I care about you both. I don't allow (other person) to cut you down in my presence, and I won't listen to you if you cut (other person) down to me, either."

JoNightshade
05-23-2008, 03:22 AM
Seven months after a baby died is not enough time to "get over it." And having a new baby in the family so soon afterwards is adding salt to the wound.

Ditto to this. I have a good friend who, last year, miscarried. She was nuts to get pregnant and this was a huge, huge, huge loss for her. Now to me, a person who has never been pregnant and is not really wild for babies, after a while it was like "Girl, come on, get over it." To me, it was barely even a baby; to her, it was already her child.

But for some people, this is really REALLY big deal and it can eat at them for years. Fortunately my friend is now pregnant (several months along) and happy - but for the past year, she has been really struggling with jealousy towards other women who are pregnant and have babies. She would both say nasty things about pregnant women behind their backs AND bitch when they didn't invite her to things (assuming she didn't want to be reminded of her own loss - trying to be nice). Her husband finally forbade her from going near pregnant ladies because she was such a pill. :)

Unfortunately as far as I could figure out, there's no real cure for this. Other than her getting pregnant again. ;) In the meantime you've just got to give her an extra measure of grace and not freak out if she doesn't fall in love with the new member of the family. Just remember, every time she sees that new kid, all she's thinking is how hers should be alive.

Carole
05-23-2008, 04:21 AM
Families! Ugh! Sometimes they make you crazy.

Unfortunately I have to disagree to a point. I understand that it takes a lot of time to get over losing a baby, but there is also something to be said for decorum. It sounds to me like the prissy sister is just envious and probably very immature. My hubby told me something once that rings in my head often. When something good happens to a friend, you should be happy for them, not disappointed that it wasn't you! I think this is especially true in families.

Although staying out of it would probably keep you clear of the fallout, I understand that you probably feel compelled to just do something about it. My sister's sister-in-law is extremely difficult to be around. She is pretty much devoid of personality and I think she gets off on being deliberately rude and then pretending that she is oblivious. (One Christmas, my mother tried numerous times to talk with her while they were seated across from one another at a dinner party. She would go so far as to look mom in the eye and then turn her head as if mom wasn't speaking at all!) Anyway, everyone has tried to just get along and play nice, but recently a personal crisis in my sister's family gave her the gumption to finally say something. Know what? Catty sister-in-law got pissed and is keeping her distance and everyone else is pretty much glad my sister said something. Finally!

I don't think that any person should be allowed to alienate groups of people simply because everyone else is too well-mannered to speak up. I've found that often that's why they keep it up - they always get away with it. So she gets her feelings hurt. Big deal. Maybe the rest of the family will be a lot more comfortable and she'll learn to deal with it.

Just my opinion, and maybe I'm just cranky this evening! :D

Kitrianna
05-23-2008, 04:27 AM
I don't think I properly explained it. I just got bitched at by her because my inlaws didn't call her to tell her that our niece had been born. It wasn't my place to tell her...I had assumed that someone had let her know. And I don't tell her how to behave (either one), but the entire family is sick of her attitude towards the step siblings, including her fiance (well I don't know if he is or not her fiance anymore...they sort of broke up a few months ago over her bad attitude towards everyone including him and it was his son too.). This has been going on for 2 years now...not just since my nephew died and she is like this with our step brother too and he isn't even in a relationship, let alone expecting a kid, but I did tell the hubs what happened earlier and we have decided that since she is yelling at me for things that are beyond my control/not my job to tell her about that I will no longer speak to her except at holidays. This really does hurt. I've known her since she was 9 and have always thought of her as my little sister (I'm my family's baby). And before y'all go judging me...I have 3 children, none of whom live with me (please don't ask what happened). I had 4 and a half years with one and not even a year with the younger two, so I do understand what she is going through. I know that I won't see my kids until they're at least 18 (the oldest is 11), but I had to learn to not let it control my life or use it as a reason for everything I did and that is what I want for her to start doing...Living again.

Kitrianna
05-23-2008, 04:31 AM
Thanks Carole, but my mother inlaw did say something a few days ago and it hasn't helped...see above post. But most in the family do agree with your point of view. My sister inlaw hasn't grown up and she isn't going to unless someone makes her. She doesn't have Dad all to herself anymore...he's finally found someon he wants to be with and she doesn't like that. She hasn't for a long time. We were just hoping that she would get over the idea of not having Dad to herself sooner rather than later.

Silver King
05-23-2008, 04:47 AM
These are always the most difficult discussions for me to join. I usually don't because the family dynamics are too complex to be shared in just a few posts; there's too much to assume, lifetimes and generations as well as personalities and experiences that can never be fully told in a thread.

I like to follow along, though, and appreciate the advice given as it helps me to deal with my own family issues.

Carole
05-23-2008, 05:04 AM
And I, on the other hand, am the nosy neighbor standing at the kitchen door with a home made pie ready to share the latest gossip.

I try to be good. I really do try!

TerzaRima
05-23-2008, 05:36 AM
When something good happens to a friend, you should be happy for them, not disappointed that it wasn't you!

Of course that's true, but in all fairness to this woman--and she may be a real piece of work--it is extremely difficult to sit around beaming through the clouds of estrogen and listening to everybody cluck at baby showers if one has a history of infertility or fetal loss. In a perfect world, yes, she would suck it up and behave herself. I'd cut her a bit of slack.

Yeshanu
05-23-2008, 06:18 AM
I don't think I properly explained it. I just got bitched at by her because my inlaws didn't call her to tell her that our niece had been born. It wasn't my place to tell her...I had assumed that someone had let her know. And I don't tell her how to behave (either one), but the entire family is sick of her attitude towards the step siblings, including her fiance (well I don't know if he is or not her fiance anymore...they sort of broke up a few months ago over her bad attitude towards everyone including him and it was his son too.). This has been going on for 2 years now...not just since my nephew died and she is like this with our step brother too and he isn't even in a relationship, let alone expecting a kid, but I did tell the hubs what happened earlier and we have decided that since she is yelling at me for things that are beyond my control/not my job to tell her about that I will no longer speak to her except at holidays. This really does hurt. I've known her since she was 9 and have always thought of her as my little sister (I'm my family's baby). And before y'all go judging me...I have 3 children, none of whom live with me (please don't ask what happened). I had 4 and a half years with one and not even a year with the younger two, so I do understand what she is going through. I know that I won't see my kids until they're at least 18 (the oldest is 11), but I had to learn to not let it control my life or use it as a reason for everything I did and that is what I want for her to start doing...Living again.

I don't want to judge you. I think you rather need a hug. You sound like you've been through the ringer yourself.

I'd still cut sis some slack--whether she's been like this or not all along, she's still hurting.

But if her behaviour is really bothering you, not talking to her except at holidays does have its merit. I had to do that with my parents when I was healing, but once I dealt with my own issues and became stronger in my sense of self, I was able to re-establish my relationship with them on a more mature level. And my dad hardly yells at all now, because he knows I won't put up with it, and because it's not having the same effect it did before.

Good luck to you and yours!

Kitrianna
05-24-2008, 07:37 PM
These are always the most difficult discussions for me to join. I usually don't because the family dynamics are too complex to be shared in just a few posts; there's too much to assume, lifetimes and generations as well as personalities and experiences that can never be fully told in a thread.

I like to follow along, though, and appreciate the advice given as it helps me to deal with my own family issues.

You're such a voyer Silver!

Thanks to everyone and yes, I really did need a hug that day.