I'm in a tight spot. Help!

eldragon · May 21, 2008

Question: Would you let your 11-year-old daughter spend the night with a friend who lived in subsidized housing, in a high-crime area, just to keep from offending the parents?

Pat~ · May 21, 2008

That is a tough one, Eldragon. And I wish I had a simple answer for you. But I think one key thing is that I'd never do anything "just to keep from offending" someone--in other words, while that's an important consideration, I wouldn't want it to be my only reason for doing something.

How good a friend is this of your daughter's? How well do you know the parents? What activities will the girls be doing--(will they be walking around town after dark, etc.)? Those would be some other important considerations for me.

Perks · May 21, 2008

Oh god. That's a tough one. I had to nix an overnight when I got to know a little friend's home situation. Luckily there was a big dog that terrified my daughter and I had an easy out.

I grew up in such neighborhoods and I'm not sure what I'd do besides the coward's way out and make up a big excuse.

C.bronco · May 21, 2008

If it makes you uncomfortable, say no. Suggest an alternative activity for your daughter and her friend.

eldragon · May 21, 2008

I'm afraid that, if I say no, the parents will think I said no because they are a lesbian couple, and they are black.

It sounds almost funny, I know.

I have no problem with their sexual orientation or their race, but someone is murdered and/or raped in the same complex about once a month. And just this weekend - a double rape/murder.

Help!

Southern_girl29 · May 21, 2008

I would probably say no, too, and make up an excuse. I can remember when I was in the fifth grade, my best friend wanted me to spend the night. Her mom was a single parent who worked second shift, so the girl and her little brother were home alone from the time they got out of school until their mom got home around midnight. My mom nixed the idea when she found out. I was so mad, but now I understand. I wouldn't let my daughter spend the night either in that situation.

C.bronco · May 21, 2008

Good Lord! Say no! You can always tell the parents that you're too worried about the rape and murder that occurred in the complex.

eldragon · May 21, 2008

eldragon · May 21, 2008

I just talked to my husband, and we agreed that we are going to LIE.

We'll make up a big fat lie about going out of town next week, on a big getaway we forgot about, and then we won't answer the phone at all.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.........

JoNightshade · May 21, 2008

eldragon said:
Question: Would you let your 11-year-old daughter spend the night with a friend who lived in subsidized housing, in a high-crime area, just to keep from offending the parents?

Separate out "would you let your daughter" and "offending someone." Don't make your choice based on a possible offense. Your daughter's life and wellbeing is worth offending someone. Always.

Incidentally, to make you feel less like a wacko, when I was a kid I was never allowed in the homes of my friends if their parents smoked. This included my next door neighbor, who I hung out with daily. We had to spend all of our time outside or in my house. As a kid I was always embarrassed and afraid my friends would feel bad, but as an adult I totally get it. I'm glad my parents cared enough about me that they didn't even want me exposed to secondhand smoke.

Ol' Fashioned Girl · May 21, 2008

That's just delaying the inevitable. They'll be asking her over again now and you'll have to go through all this again.

Perks · May 21, 2008

eldragon said:
I'm afraid that, if I say no, the parents will think I said no because they are a lesbian couple, and they are black.

It sounds almost funny, I know.

I have no problem with their sexual orientation or their race, but someone is murdered and/or raped in the same complex about once a month. And just this weekend - a double rape/murder.

Help!

Good lord. That's a minefield. And it's not going to be enough to invite the little girl over to your place. Pam, you could always go into the witness relocation program.

Me? I'm going to become a hermit. Life's too complicated.

mscelina · May 21, 2008

I wouldn't even make up an excuse. I'd call the other girl's moms and tell them that due to the double rape/murder that just happened, you'd be more comfortable if the girls spent the night at your house. any reasonable parent would understand that.

eldragon · May 21, 2008

Ol' Fashioned Girl said:
That's just delaying the inevitable. They'll be asking her over again now and you'll have to go through all this again.

Well, their daughter and my daughter aren't even that close. They used to play sports together, and the moms were coaches.

So we see each other at sporting events, and always speak. Today was our daughters 5th grade graduation ceremony and one of them asked me, to my face, if my daughter could spend the night next week for a birthday sleepover. I automatically said "yes." Then I thought about it, and thought about it.............for hours.

It dawned on me where they live and even though I do trust the women, they can't watch the girls every second.

I just think my daughters safety could be in jeopardy. Or she may be exposed to things I don't want her see yet, because we keep her pretty sheltered here.

And finally, I don't think my daughter would even be able to sleep there. She's worried enough here with me at night, because her dad works until midnight.

I think it would be torture for her, and torture for me and her dad. Not worth it.

Southern_girl29 · May 21, 2008

mscelina said:
I wouldn't even make up an excuse. I'd call the other girl's moms and tell them that due to the double rape/murder that just happened, you'd be more comfortable if the girls spent the night at your house. any reasonable parent would understand that.

I agree with this. If they get offended and think it's due to their race or sexual orientation, then it's their own fault. I wouldn't worry about it beyond that.

ETA: I had age first, but changed it to race.

eldragon · May 21, 2008

Perks said:
Good lord. That's a minefield. And it's not going to be enough to invite the little girl over to your place. Pam, you could always go into the witness relocation program.

Me? I'm going to become a hermit. Life's too complicated.

If only that were the entire story, Perks.

Thanks for the laugh, though.

Perks · May 21, 2008

mscelina said:
I wouldn't even make up an excuse. I'd call the other girl's moms and tell them that due to the double rape/murder that just happened, you'd be more comfortable if the girls spent the night at your house. any reasonable parent would understand that.

You know, this really is good sense. You can always play up how much the local news gets to you. You can make sure you tell them you think they're great and that their daughter is a good friend to yours. Just blame you neuroses - that's the fib that can never be found out.

Perks · May 21, 2008

eldragon said:
And finally, I don't think my daughter would even be able to sleep there. She's worried enough here with me at night, because her dad works until midnight.

I think it would be torture for her, and torture for me and her dad. Not worth it.

That's a great out, too.

sassandgroove · May 21, 2008

Don't lie, because what will you do when your daughter is invited for another night. Plus it will send a message to your daughter you may not intend that lieing is OK. Just tell them they and their daughter are welcome at your house but you don't feel comfortable sending your daughter to their neighborhood. That should aleviate any feelings that you don't like them.

sassandgroove · May 21, 2008

wow, i posted and a whole mess of new posts popped up. sorry if /\ that one is outdated.

And finally, I don't think my daughter would even be able to sleep there. She's worried enough here with me at night, because her dad works until midnight.

There's your out and you don't have to lie. And you could throw in that they are welcome at your place.

Thump · May 21, 2008

I'd tell them it's because of the neighborhood. But without implying they're irresponsible for living there :/ Toughy... I mean, they probably realize they don't live in the best part of town. Or that your kid heard about the rape/murder and is too scared now, even if the moms will be in the house.

When I was her age, I was living in Guatemala. People there will kill you for 10$. I was not allowed to sleepover at my best-friend's house because she lived in a very popular neighborhood and well...I'm very obviously all-white. She was welcome in the place we lived in (with armed guards and what not). I resented it a bit then but I understood as well the reasons why I couldn't go.

DL Hegel · May 21, 2008

eldragon said:
Question: Would you let your 11-year-old daughter spend the night with a friend who lived in subsidized housing, in a high-crime area, just to keep from offending the parents?

It is a tough one --but what is more important than your child's safety--if you are really worried about what they think--invite the parents over for a dinner or bbq--then they will know it is not them. And if they bring it up--be honest.

I grew up in the city--and your worries are not unfounded and nothing you should feel guilty about.

Yeshanu · May 21, 2008

eldragon said:
I'm afraid that, if I say no, the parents will think I said no because they are a lesbian couple, and they are black.

It sounds almost funny, I know.

I have no problem with their sexual orientation or their race, but someone is murdered and/or raped in the same complex about once a month. And just this weekend - a double rape/murder.

Help!

I would say no, and tell the truth about why. Then invite the daughter to stay at your house instead.

If you're the entertaining type, I second the thought of inviting the couple and daughter over for a dinner of some type.

WendyNYC · May 21, 2008

mscelina said:
I wouldn't even make up an excuse. I'd call the other girl's moms and tell them that due to the double rape/murder that just happened, you'd be more comfortable if the girls spent the night at your house. any reasonable parent would understand that.

Maybe, but this will very likely offend them. You are talking about their HOME. If they didn't think it was safe, they wouldn't live there and they wouldn't be inviting other kids over.

I think if you say "double rape/murder" they will hear "I think your neighborhood is a ghetto."

By the way, there was a horrific bloody murder recently in my neighborhood. On Park Avenue, actually, but no one seems to fear it here yet.

CACTUSWENDY · May 21, 2008

I would think that to lie about it would not be teaching your child a very good lesson. Why not talk about the crime problem and be above board with it all? I would think once the parents of said child hear this they will understand. Our daily actions are very important for small children. IMHO

I'm in a tight spot. Help!

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