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nancy sv
05-21-2008, 06:46 PM
I'm struggling with this sentence - how can I rewrite it so I don't have so many commas?


As my husband and I, along with our eight-year-old twin boys, pedaled, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

Roger J Carlson
05-21-2008, 06:54 PM
My husband and I took our twin, eight-year-old boys on a bike trip. As we pedaled, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

Or something to that effect. It doesn't have to be done in one sentence.

Exir
05-21-2008, 06:58 PM
Best way? Split it up.

My husband and I pedaled along with our eight-year-old twin boys. We experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

You can use a semi-colon between them to strengthen their connection.

If you really want to keep it one sentences, try:

As my husband and I pedaled along with our eight-year-old twin boys, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

But I think the root problem is not the sentence itself. I think you're just trying to show TOO much info in one sentence. For example, you could try using the surrounding context to let the reader know that the we refers to my husband and I along with our eight-year-old twin boys. A paragraph like this might work:

I could hear our twin boys laughing behind us. I could see sweat running down my husband's face. As we pedaled along, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

Okay, lousy example - but you get what I mean.

Quentin Nokov
05-21-2008, 07:06 PM
This is just my suggestion. Pick what is most important in the sentence. To me, I crossed out what isn't important. You'll have to decide if you want to do it that way or not. But once you cross something out just reword it.

As my husband and I, along with our eight-year-old twin boys, pedaled, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

It could be reworded to,

Taking our twin, eight year old boys on a bike trip, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

Or,

As my husband and I, along with our eight-year-old twin boys, pedaled, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

My husband and I pedaled [insert location] with our sons. Along the way we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

Like what Roger said, you don't have to have it all in one sentence.

nancy sv
05-21-2008, 07:09 PM
this is actually the first part of a summary for my book -

Twenty Miles per Cookie: A Family Adventure on Bicycles follows the antics and adventures of our family as we bicycle the back roads of the United States and Mexico. As my husband and I, along with our eight-year-old twin boys, pedaled, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.

maestrowork
05-21-2008, 07:10 PM
I'm sure that's not the first time you mentioned your husband and the twin boys. So why cram that information back into that sentence? How about just:

As my family pedaled [location: along the Yangzi River], we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.


ETA: cross-posted with you, Nancy.

How about:

Twenty Miles per Cookie: A Family Adventure on Bicycles follows the antics and adventures of my eight-year-old twin boys, my husband and me as we bicycled the back roads of the United States and Mexico. As we pedaled, we experienced more than a few surprises and hardships.


Move the cast of characters upfront. Besides, the title already has "family" in it, so the word "family" that follows immediately is redundant. So I think it's a good idea to switch the two.


__________________

nancy sv
05-21-2008, 07:15 PM
I think you nailed it Maestro!! thanks!

gabbleandhiss
05-22-2008, 07:25 PM
Nevermind the sentence; this is a wonderful story. I've bookmarked your site & look forward to your adventure. Best wishes. :)