AM I NUTS?

Am I nuts?
Some time ago I’ve written a non-fiction (it dealt with the demise and resurrection of Eastern Block Intelligence Agencies). I’ve composed a succinct letter and sent it out, only to receive the nice, form rejections. One day, I put on paper a piece of ‘garbage’, the ramblings of my frustration, and behold, within a week there were four agents fighting over it. What criteria of selection did they use?
BUT HOLD ON, FOR I’M NOT OVER YET!
I also have two novels, and sent to agents nice, well conceived, queries. Got a few nibbles, mainly from small or shady agencies. A few weeks ago, during an attack of the ‘blues’, pissed and half drunk, I penned down an aberration. It didn’t upheld any query standards, in flamboyant and bombastic, one paragraph each, I told not about the stories but of unrelated things. To make matters worst, I attached a lengthy (500 words) ‘sample’, something that has nothing to do with my stories. Sent that out to six agents, and regretted it next morning, when sober I reread it. Got four submission requests, two from ‘big’ name agencies.
HOW COME? WHAT IS WORKING AND WHY?
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS.

Dear ............

A few days ago I purchased a book, titled Literary Agents.
It was instructive enough, on how to approach an agent, and the sprinkle of humor made it so much more enjoyable. Upon completion, I've decided to drop you an e-mail and propose a deal. Read this query, and if you'll find it interesting ask for some chapters.
Who knows,… you may like them and decide to represent me.
I have two spy/action novels, the kind of stories Tom Clancy has been so successful with.

The first, The Smart Way, is a finished, 140,000 words narration of human uncertainties and penetrates not only the obvious mystery but also the profound soul of the Russian enigma, as American military attaché, Col. Mark Anderson, is overtly playing double-cross Russian roulette with the masters of the game; the Kremlin's new oligarchy and Washington's old political aristocracy.

The second, One Hundred Hours, (currently at 100,000) will end up as a 120,000+ words, action packed depiction of CIA, SAS and MOSAD attempts to get rid of Saddam, culminating with the most incredible, last ditch, assassination plot by two 'over the hill', Ex-operatives, who have exactly one hundred hours to accomplish what their masters couldn't, or wouldn't.

Both novels bring together actual procedures and authentic locations with factual characters and events, for a blend of color and veracity.
Both charge the reader's imagination with an acceptance of the unbelievable truth and doubt the obvious of reality.

For exemplification, of my writing, you'll find below, the opening paragraph of the first chapter from The Smart Way. I wish you an enjoyable reading.

Respectfully yours,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the actual query, as you can see, there even are some grammar problems, more so in the 'sample'.

My surprise comes more from the ‘caliber’ of agents who requested it (four as of today).
You are abhorred by the query? You should have read the “sample’. It’s got nothing to do with the story, just some insane rambling about agents and publishers.
Did I mention that I was half drunk when writing it?

Let the truth be known. It’s a ‘garbage’ query letter, and to make it worst, the ‘sample’ stinks.
I’ve sent before, and after, a number of queries which comply with the ‘format’…. Got a few nibble from medium size agents.
This ‘garbage’ got a 50% response rate (I’m talking only about those who’re asking for the manuscript).
Again, I’ve written ‘this’ query in a moment of ‘piss and vinegar’, when I was half drunk. But maybe, when they’ve read it, the agents were plastered.
My initial question was,… based on what criteria?
They’ve turned down good queries and accepted ‘this’.

Believe me JJ I do know how to spell MOSSAD,…. But, if you’ll take the time, to carefully read the posting, you may notice that, at the time of writing I was,… well, let’s say, not fully in control of all my faculties (do in part to some good Moldavian vine).
You may see that I called that query ‘a full of mistakes piece of garbage’.
I went, per your invitation’ to your blog and, congrats.
For someone who dabbles into these kind of stories your attention spam is not what’s out to be.

Grossack, the one which ‘worked’ is posted six positions down from the top. The one respecting the standards, the ‘clean cut’ version is below.

And JJ, before you notice and bring it to my attention, or you may not see it and then, for your info. The KGB had vanished by the time of this story (new agencies have replaced it), but KGB is most easy to identify (while FSB, SVR and CSR mean nothing to most,… same for GRU).


Dear Mr. John Doe,


Peter Armstrong’s trip to Arlington confirms Colonel Mark Anderson is properly buried. He feels no remorse for killing him.

The Colonel brought it upon himself when he’d played Russian Roulette with the masters of the game, the CIA and the KGB.
As the US military attaché to Moscow, Anderson passed sensitive information to the Russians, and when he stumbled across unauthorized arms transactions to al-Qaida, he gave the KGB the scoop.
In post cold-war Russia, torn by intense fighting for political dominance, his double-cross offers the Russian President a trump card against his political foes and the American administration.

When Anderson starts selling top Russian military secrets to Washington, and attempts to blackmail the Russian President, he goes too far.
Anderson thought he knew what he was doing, but his double-crossing game caught up with him, at the end. He survived prior assassination attempts, only to fall victim to Peter’s plan, conceived to appease both Russians and Americans alike.
The staging of the Colonel’s death had been a masterfully orchestrated operation.

Peter Armstrong wasn’t too unhappy to miss the ticker tape parade the CIA promised him. Otherwise, the Russians might have realized Peter Armstrong was the Colonel, who had been operating under the direction of the CIA all the time.

Russian Roulette is a 130,000 words spy/thriller, set in the early ‘90s.

Well Grossack, you may be right. If I were an agent, I most definitely won’t be impressed by a dry formula query, and just maybe (in today’s overflown market) I’ll be looking for something different.
But still, what I’ve sent, not only breaks the rules, it’s a no-no; tries to sell two novels in one query (one of which is unfinished). And you haven’t seen the ‘attachment’. It’s long, over 500 words, got nothing to do with the stories I’m trying to peddle, and it’s a grammatical horror.

OK Celina, substitute ‘span’ for ‘spam’…. But you know something, ‘spam’ may work just fine.
And yes, I’ve posted… The ‘dry formula’ is the result of trying hard to come up with what experts are saying that will work.
The one in question was posted to show that actually ‘anything’ may work… If you’re lucky enough.

And Celina, ‘what does that mean?”… sorry, have omitted some of your question marks.
For your information (and that of ‘others’)… The Institute for Intelligence and Special Operations was created in ’48, and as ' Central Institute for Coordination' a year later.
In ’52 its first Director, Rueven Shiloah, changed the translation acronym MOSAD into MOSSAD (as there were some companies and products using MOSAD).
There was no insult intended… JJ is a nice and partially informed guy, who brought the ‘misspelling’ to my attention three times.
When someone declares that he wrote something under the influence, and freely admits that’s full of mistakes, I guess, one attentioning is enough.
But then again, maybe I'm an idiot and need it three times.