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View Full Version : Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey--What's your favorite?



James81
05-15-2008, 09:59 PM
I love these things. What's your favorite?

Here's some of mine:

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

CDarklock
05-15-2008, 11:19 PM
Top of the list:


If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The close second, although I had to look this one up to get it right:


To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

James81
05-15-2008, 11:24 PM
Top of the list:



The close second, although I had to look this one up to get it right:

:roll: