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i need help with sentence

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Alice.S

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ok, i don't know if this is the right place to ask this question...sorry if i'm breaking any rules..

i'm writing a story at the moment but one line doesn't make sense in my head,

here it is:
The large grandfather clock by the door read; half past six

does that make sense??
 

Bartholomew

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ok, i don't know if this is the right place to ask this question...sorry if i'm breaking any rules..

i'm writing a story at the moment but one line doesn't make sense in my head,

here it is:
The large grandfather clock by the door read; half past six

does that make sense??

Change it to:

The grandfather clock by the door read half past six.


Calling it large is redundant, since all grandfather clocks are large.
 

dpaterso

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The large grandfather clock by the door read; half past six
You don't need the semicolon.

"read" works OK but since it's a grandfather clock maybe you could include a sound effect? e.g.

The grandfather clock by the door chimed half-past six.

-Derek
 

HeronW

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Or: According to the bongs from the grandfather clock in the hall, it was six o'clock.
 

Andrew Jameson

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Or: According to the bongs from the grandfather clock in the hall, it was six o'clock.
Heh. Maybe not. Does "bong" carry the same slang meaning in Israel as it does in the US?

-Andrew "Hey, man, just wait 'til 4:20" Jameson
 

James81

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Is there a reason why you are alluding to the grandfather clock by the door? Or are you just trying to tell us the time?

Alluding to a grandfather clock by the door and then not having a specific reason for doing so might throw things off (maybe that's why it doesn't make sense to you because your subconscious is telling you that this doesn't belong in the story).

Aside from that take out the semicolon and as "large" (as the other posters have said) and the sentence is fine.
 

jst5150

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What if the actual grandfather chimed that it was half past six? THAT would be worth moving to the next sentence. ;)

Answers above nail it.
 

underthecity

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If it's a grandfather clock, it's going to chime once at half past six. You could try something like:

The grandfather clock bonged once, surprising him enough to drop his glass. It was half past six.
 

Seif

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The large grandfather clock by the door read; half past six

does that make sense??

<police sirens: whoooooo, whoooo, whoooo>

PC PATROL: Shouldn't it be GRANDPARENT clock? :rant:
 

terry

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Semicolons

The large grandfather clock by the door read; half past six

does that make sense??

A semicolon joins two independent clauses, but not sentence fragments. So "There was a grandfather clock by the door; it read half past six." would be standard written English. A good test is to turn the semicolon into a period and see if the two sides stand on their own:

The large grandfather clock by the door read. Half past six.

Since neither of those stand on their own, they don't work when joined by a semicolon.

Best,
~Terry Lee Wright
 

Izunya

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IME, grandfather clocks play a phrase of music every quarter hour and adds a number of chimes on the hour. So if you want detail, you could say something like, "The grandfather clock by the door played an arpeggio. Half past six, Rick thought, and glanced up to confirm it."

Or a descending scale, or whatever. Also IME, grandfather clocks make a sort of shivering, tinkly noise if you walk past them too heavily. And they tick loudly. And they require winding. I don't know if any of this will help you set the scene, but I suppose it might.

Izunya
 

Alice.S

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okay, here the whole paragraph...thingy....



As the afternoon went on, Papa still hadn’t returned home. Mother sent out two of the men who worked in the fields, in search for Papa.

Mother paced back and forth, by the front door, I was at the bottom of the stairs, watching her. The grandfather clock by the door read half past six, I knew Mother wanted to send me to bed, but she knew how much I loved Papa.
By eight O’clock there was a heavy knock at the door. Mother threw herself at the door and yanked it open with such force, that she stabled over her feet and almost hit the ground.
Outside in the cold air of night stood the two men from the fields and in their arms was the limp, lifeless body of Papa.


i used the grandfather clock to mention the time.


yer if you think the rest of it needs some help just tell me...
 
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dpaterso

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Sure, that's fine.

The "stabled over her feet" sentence may need edited. Stumbled? You hit the ground if you're outside, you hit the floor if you're inside.

-Derek
 

James81

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Or: According to the bongs from the grandfather clock in the hall, it was six o'clock.

If it's a grandfather clock, it's going to chime once at half past six. You could try something like:

The grandfather clock bonged once, surprising him enough to drop his glass. It was half past six.

IME, grandfather clocks play a phrase of music every quarter hour and adds a number of chimes on the hour. So if you want detail, you could say something like, "The grandfather clock by the door played an arpeggio. Half past six, Rick thought, and glanced up to confirm it."

Or a descending scale, or whatever. Also IME, grandfather clocks make a sort of shivering, tinkly noise if you walk past them too heavily. And they tick loudly. And they require winding. I don't know if any of this will help you set the scene, but I suppose it might.

Izunya

It seems like you guys want to add more words when they are not needed.

No need to change what she's wrote. If you want to add in the element of sound, just do as another suggested and change "read" to "chimed".
 

wheelwriter

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I am a total newbie, so please take my suggestions with a grain of salt (or any substance of your choice). Anything in a parentheses replaces what I crossed out.



As the afternoon went on, Papa still hadn’t returned home. Mother sent out two of the men who worked in the fields, in search (to search) for Papa (him).
Mother paced back and forth, by the front door, (.) I was at the bottom of the stairs, watching her. (There may be room here for you to add more. What did you see? What was the expression on her face?)The grandfather clock by the door read half past six,(.) I knew Mother wanted to send me to bed, but she knew how much I loved Papa.
By eight O’clock there was a heavy knock at the door. Mother threw herself at the door and yanked it open with such force, that she stabled (stumbled) over her feet and almost hit the ground.
Outside in the cold air of night stood the two men from the fields and in their arms was the limp, lifeless body of Papa.

I hope that is helpful. Good luck!
 
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ima_brat93

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I thought it was very good, Alice. Though the element of sound does at a bit more...hm..realness to the story, at least to me.
 
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