how's this for an opening line: 'i live in the as shole of the universe, third fart from the hemmorhoid belt.' colonists there died, leaving the children in custody of a crazy sex-pot. but, they're happy and don't want things to change when a message from earth comes asking if everything is okay. the message is ten years old. the crazy 'leader' sends back jibberish and it's up to the oldest on them to track down the message and destroy it so earth doesn't send anyone to see what's been going on.
so, the guy embarks on a galactic journey to destroy the message. turns out the universe is full of odd-ball creatures, customs, and cultures. to make things worse, the message develops a personality along the way and doesn't want to get caught. at one point it hides in a whore-bot to escape, but that's where it gets trapped as the guy, ah, 'downloads' the message with his new mechanical penis (he's been experimenting with the universe's technological advances, such as 'natural growth formulas,' one of which went horribly awry and he winds up with more than he bargained for) right there in the middle of the business district of some planet. he gets arrested, of course.
once free, the message is in control of his new mechanical buddy, which proves unfortunate as his ship runs out of gas near the sex planet.
anyway, the guy (i think i'll name him 'guy') comes across a spate of bizarre characters and situations, all the while he's experimenting, eventually winding up with a different body altogether, going from young man to woman and everything inbetween. he didn't even know there *was* something inbetween. by the end he frees the message and locates his body in 'dead space,' where frozen bodies are floating randomly by the billions, bumping off his ship as he looks for his own.
it's a strange story. at one point he's to meet with someone to help him on his quest, goes to a planet and to the place he's supposed to be, but finds no one. his contact is a soldier who's fighting a war-- right under his feet. guy accidentally stomps both 'massive' armies into the dirt under one foot, never knowing. this starts an 'incident' wherein the warring factions band together and chase him back to earth (guy is always asking people where texas is), where the invasion causes thousands of dollars of damage before it's crushed.
it takes guy a long time to return home. the girl he left behind married guy's rival and had a daughter, whom guy then marries instead.
it's a weird story. at first, guy travels in a 'space lung,' an alive spaceship. he visits planets such as where the lava and ice people are at war, which happens to otherwise be an excellent place to go for a good steam. liquid universes. interplanetary rainbows. 'the fourth dementian is in my pants, but no one came on time,'-type of narration. once home, he's asked what he learned: 'nothing,' guy says, but nothing turns out to be eveything. i've got a lot of little ideas for it.
anyone with bizarre ideas feel free to give 'em up, with the caveat i might use them if i like it. basically, for the last few daze i've written down stream-of-consciousness items and those will be the premises of the story.
if i write it.