Whose kids don't look like them?

JennaGlatzer

wishes you happiness
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 9, 2005
Messages
9,703
Reaction score
3,460
Website
www.jennaglatzer.com
That was an oddly phrased subject, I know, but I'm in a rush. I'm on deadline tonight and yet this just can't seem to stay inside my head. I have to spill it out here, apparently. ;)

Sarina looks nothing like me. She's so entirely different from what I imagined when I pictured what my child would look like. I mostly imagined my own baby pictures, I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking care of someone else's child. I look into her eyes and I see none of me. I see that we love each other a ton, and I think she's beautiful, but sometimes I think (irrationally) that I'm not going to understand her fully because she's not like me.

She looks a lot like her father, and I'm sure I'd be more pleased about that if I even vaguely liked him, but boy, did that go out the window.

Maybe I'm worried that she'll identify with him more because she looks like his child, not mine. Plus, she has his last name.

I just know that she means everything in the world to me and it feels so strange to have this area of disconnection. I kept thinking I'd get over this by now, but I still feel like I'm looking at someone else's (awesome, adorable) child.

Okay, hit me with smart stuff.

P.S. This is a good excuse for a new photo, no?

webcurls.jpg
 

Mandy-Jane

venturing ever further into the unknown
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 20, 2005
Messages
3,263
Reaction score
754
Location
I will complete a play this year! I will!
Well I have two girls and the oldest one is EXACTLY what I imagined she would be, right from the second she was born. My youngest however, is quite different. She looks heaps like her daddy (which is cool, 'cos he's cute) but nothing like me. I still don't feel disconnected from her, but I do sometimes look at her and think she could almost be someone else's.

But I think you always understand your kids, even if they're not like you. They're a part of you and always will be. And if you're the main caregiver then no-one else will know them like you. (at least until they're teenagers, so I'm told!)

And the photo is gorgeous. What lovely little curls. Mine both have straight hair!
 

kct webber

Squirrel, Sekrit type, 1 ea.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 16, 2006
Messages
5,323
Reaction score
1,164
Location
In the booshes.
I think she looks more like you than you think. Same chin and jawline at least.

And I wouldn't worry about it too much anyway. I look just like my father and nothing at all like my mother. I've never related to one more than the other. I've always had a good relationship with both of them.
 

JoNightshade

has finally arrived
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 29, 2007
Messages
7,153
Reaction score
4,137
Website
www.ramseyhootman.com
I've known a bunch of adopted kids. Of different races than their parents. And you would be surprised how LITTLE the actual physical appearance of a person goes into what they LOOK like. Example of what I mean:

One of my girlfriends growing up was adopted from Columbia. She is very dark, short, compact. Her parents and older brother are white. They look nothing alike. Or do they? I can't tell you how many times I was with her and her mom and people would comment on how much alike they were-- the assumption being the dad was dark.

The reason everyone thought they were mother and daughter, even though they didn't share a single gene, was speech, voice, body language. She inflected the same way her mother did, used the same gestures, everything - because she was around her all the time.

Don't worry that your little girl will take after her daddy; it's the person who is THERE for her, who raises her and loves her, that she will take after. She will inherit your heart, and that's what really matters.

Oh, and she's adorable. :)
 

Maryn

Sees All
Staff member
Super Moderator
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
55,486
Reaction score
25,541
Location
Snow Cave
Jo's nailed it. In still photography, maybe there's not the resemblance you'd like to see, but you will be astonished by how similar your child is to you because of voice, word choice, mannerisms, attitudes, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses, and everything else.

My parents were both stocky brunettes. Their first two kids, my older brother and sister, were skinny flaming-haired redheads with freckles. I'm a stocky brunette. Yet when my sister and I meet, strangers can tell we're sisters, even though we don't resemble one another physically. We haven't lived under the same roof for 35 years, but the nurture part of the equation is that strong.

Maryn, sure she's already just like you
 

Ol' Fashioned Girl

Hand? What hand?
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 31, 2005
Messages
15,640
Reaction score
6,849
Location
Last Star on the Right
Website
www.jenniferdahl.com
Well... since all three of my kids are feline... no, they don't look like me or their daddy.

BUT.

When I was growing up, I told everyone I looked just like my dad. And I did... mostly.

But as I grew older, I one day realized I didn't really look like Dad. I had the same blond hair and light-colored eyes... but when I looked at my baby picture, there was more of my mother there than I'd ever noticed before.

You're too close to the trees, Jenna. You can't see the forest. :) Sarina's got your chin, your sparkling eyes, that look of 'mischievous angel'. You're much more alike than you know. :D
 

SPMiller

Prodigiously Hanged
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 30, 2008
Messages
11,525
Reaction score
1,988
Age
41
Location
Dallas
Website
seanpatrickmiller.com
I don't look like either of my parents, and I also don't look like my sister. She, however, does resemble my mother.
 

Little Red Barn

haz own threads
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 27, 2006
Messages
2,839
Reaction score
3,669
Genetics, strange stuff, huh?

Same with my daugh. :D

But you're in good company, even Julie Roberts complains of this. As an aside, she's adorable, happy and healthy and Sarina will be her OWN kid, slowly heading toward a life independent of both parents. That's when you'll really ask; who is this child? ;)
 

Stew21

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 2, 2006
Messages
27,651
Reaction score
9,136
Location
lost in headspace
My whole life growing up I was told how much I looked like my father and his family. Dark hair, dark eyes, face shape, etc.
As I got older, I have turned more and more into a dark haired/dark eyed version of my mother.
You'll be surprised how children change as they get older. She may not look exactly like you now, but my guess is that she will grow more and more into you.
 

tjwriter

Emerging Anew
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 13, 2005
Messages
11,983
Reaction score
3,256
Location
Out of My Mind
Website
www.kidscoffeechaos.wordpress.com
Everyone says that Piper looks like a perfect mix of both of us, but I don't see as much of me as I do of Christopher. I guess it's because I am too close to the subject. She has my nose. (Thank Goodness!)

I think Sarina does look like you in some features and as she gets older, I can see her looking even more like you.
 

Jersey Chick

Up all night to get Loki
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 9, 2007
Messages
12,320
Reaction score
4,278
Location
in the state of carefully controlled chaos
Website
www.kimberlynee.com
My daughter looks like me - except she has her dad's dark eyes (mine are green). My son is a dead ringer for his dad at the same age - except my son's got hazel eyes.

I look like my dad. Very much like him, actually.

My husband - who is adopted - is always told how much he looks like his dad, which goes to show people either don't really pay much attention, or there's some truth to the notion that people who live together for a long time start to resemble each other.
 

WendyNYC

fiddle-dee-dee
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 12, 2007
Messages
2,371
Reaction score
1,765
Location
Behind you! Boo.
My husband - who is adopted - is always told how much he looks like his dad, which goes to show people either don't really pay much attention, or there's some truth to the notion that people who live together for a long time start to resemble each other.


It's the same for me. I'm adopted and everyone says I look like my dad.
 

Old Hack

Such a nasty woman
Super Moderator
Absolute Sage
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 12, 2005
Messages
22,454
Reaction score
4,956
Location
In chaos
My boys both looked just like their father when they were younger. Not so much now, for the 12 year old, who is looking a lot more like me these days, but the 7 year old... still his father's spitting image.

I was told that it's a genetic/evolutionary thing, to help ensure fathers bond with and care for the children. I'm not sure of the truth behind that but while both my boys are decidedly "of us", in the ways they look, they're their own people and have always been.

Just keep doing what you're doing; cuddle her as much as you can, and keep on loving her as you do. As my mother said, when you have a baby you get exactly the right baby for you, no matter how different they are from what you expected. It might be different from what you thought you were in for, but it's still amazing.
 

Old Hack

Such a nasty woman
Super Moderator
Absolute Sage
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 12, 2005
Messages
22,454
Reaction score
4,956
Location
In chaos
PS--Sarina DOES look beautiful. And she DOES have a likeness to you, especially in that picture. I've not seen her father, so can't comment on that--but trust me, she has your smile, your pointy little chin and your elegant jawline. She's her mummy's girl. :)
 

rhymegirl

It's a New Year!
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
21,640
Reaction score
6,411
Location
New England
In my opinion what a child looks like or which parent he or she resembles has nothing to do with who this child is or will become.

I actually believe that it is the bond that develops between a parent and her child that most determines the child's personality, attitudes and behavior. I pretty much raised my kids by myself even though they have a father. That's because he was always working long hours and even when he was home, he was so tired he would just keep to himself at the end of the day, watching TV or on the computer or going to sleep.

So I was the one who read stories to the kids, played games with them, took them to the park, helped them with homework, etc. Whether or not they look like me, they wound up with my values and interests for the most part. (they all love music, art and writing) I don't know whether some of these things are innate and they would have wanted to be singers, musicians, artists, writers-- all on their own without my input or example.

But the best you can do is provide a good example of the kind of person you would like your child to be. Talk to her, listen to her, play with her and teach her to be a good person. When she's older, tell her you will always be there for her and that she can come to you and ask you about anything and you will listen.

We can't control a person's personality or make them be what they are not. I tried to nurture my kids and help them be who they were meant to be.
 

Williebee

Capeless, wingless, & yet I fly.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
20,569
Reaction score
4,814
Location
youtu.be/QRruBVFXjnY
Website
www.ifoundaknife.com
First - She's adorable, is healthy, abundantly happy, and has all her moving parts. (In other words, quit 'yer bitchin'!)

Second - What she looks like on the outside is not what she sees from the inside. People rarely see themselves as they actually look. I, myself am several inches taller in my mind. Unfortunately, the top shelf of my closet is not in my head.

Third -- She has your chin, your eyes, and your hand to hold. Believe me, this kid wins.
 

SPMiller

Prodigiously Hanged
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 30, 2008
Messages
11,525
Reaction score
1,988
Age
41
Location
Dallas
Website
seanpatrickmiller.com
Also, how do I say this politely, diplomatically...

Only women can be reasonably certain of a child's father. Men are always left wondering ;)

So, stop worrying. She's unquestionably yours and she will grow to be whom you and other influences raise her to be. Besides, there are obvious similarities--namely the chin.
 
Last edited:

rhymegirl

It's a New Year!
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
21,640
Reaction score
6,411
Location
New England
My kids look like this guy at my wife's office. She assures me they're just friends.

Hmm. And if any more little nippers come along we all know that Rob can't be the father.
 

Cassiopeia

Otherwise Occupied
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 1, 2006
Messages
10,878
Reaction score
5,343
Location
Star to the right and straight on till morning.
I know how you feel Jenna. When my daughter was Sarina's age she looked very much like your own little girl. I have brown eyes and dark hair and Hilary was blue eyed and light brown hair with curly locks. Now her eyes are more a jade green and her hair is dark.

Just yesterday I had a fellow at work say that he thought the photo on my bookshelf was of me and it is of my daughter. We do look quite a bit alike.

As for being concerned about understanding her fully, I have a son who is the spitting image of me. We used to be very much alike. Now we are as different as night and day. I adore him but we don't spend much time together anymore. Well, in part because he's away for two years on a mission for the LDS church.

Now my youngest was born with curly blond hair and blue eyes and now that he's almost seventeen his hair is dark but his eyes remained the same and suddenly, we are two peas in a pod. I mean we think so much alike we can finish each other's sentences. That might change. It's destined to.

My daughter and I are alike in both looks and temperament. We can also finish each other's thoughts.

It's so interesting to grow up with my kids. That's how I feel about it. I am always growing up with them.
 

Fingers

My cat Toby
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 27, 2006
Messages
625
Reaction score
283
Age
69
Location
Somewhere in the woods around Portland Oregon
Neither of my two kids are biologically mine. The Boss had a couple of husbands (and kids) before I showed up. I raised them since they were 2 and 6. My girl Toni was the youngest one. One day when Toni was 8 or 9 I had just come home from fishing. The Boss walks up to me and says "Toni is getting more like you everyday. She is her daddies daughter." I asked her what she meant. She said she and Toni were watching TV when Toni lifted her right leg up and let one rip. She said it was like watching me. (I never do that, I swear) Dont worry about how they look. Neither of my kids look like me, but they sure do behave like I raised em. I can see so much of me in both of them. Just look what you have, a beautiful daughter. Its whats in em that counts. Just keep being a loving mommy and its all good.


yer pal Brian
 

PattiTheWicked

Unleashing Hell.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 15, 2005
Messages
3,999
Reaction score
1,249
Website
www.pattiwigington.com
My oldest has my coloring, so people always tell me she looks like me. However, she's actually a shorter clone of her dad (who bears a remarkable resemblance to Josh Brolin). When the twins came along, I was amazed-- my boyo looks just like my husband, and girltwin looks just like my husband's sister.

I swear, if I hadn't been there for the births, I wouldn't think any of these kids belonged ot me.
 

stormie

storm central
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
12,500
Reaction score
7,162
Location
Still three blocks from the Atlantic Ocean
Website
www.anneskal.wordpress.com
One of my girlfriends growing up was adopted from Columbia. ....
The reason everyone thought they were mother and daughter, even though they didn't share a single gene, was speech, voice, body language. She inflected the same way her mother did, used the same gestures, everything - because she was around her all the time.
Yep. Same with my niece. She's 10, and when you hear her, she sounds so much like her older sister and her mom. She has the same mannerisms. And she's adopted.

My older son has blue eyes, light brown hair, and freckles. My husband and I both have dark brown hair and eyes. And yet he's our biological son. One time, when that son was a baby, an older woman asked where in the world did he get his blue eyes from. I said, "The mailman." She looked positively horrified, and walked away. :D
 

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 24, 2005
Messages
29,138
Reaction score
8,563
Location
Toronto
Website
ktcraig.com
She's adorable, Jenna. She has one of those rosebud faces that are so ageless and adorable. Your face is just as adorable, but longer. Guess what, though... she's going to change in her looks. She may always look like dumbass your husband... but that is not who she is. You will be the biggest influence on her life... both of you will see huge similarities in your looks as you age together... even if they are not there. Trust me, I see this all the time. And you will probably see more of yourself in her as she grows anyway. My poor daughters look almost exactly like me. My youngest daughter has had people I know come up to her and say, "You MUST be Kevin's daughter". It drives her crazy. She is always blaming me for her lips... while my wife tells her she'd pay to have our lips. My daughter looks so much like me, my wife can't see a single feature that resembles her. Either can I, come to think of it... but they are so much alike it's shocking sometimes. That likeness becomes a physical feature... they look nothing alike, but I see mirror images. Don't worry about shit like this... You don't want your daughter to steal your face right. We should each have our own unique packages.

My son... when he was coming down the birth canal, I thought to myself, "Oh my God! Where's the black hair!?!?!" Turns out he looks nothing like me. He has blond hair and looks much like my wife's family. But my wife almost pees herself when my son and I are walking together in front of her. Apparently we have the exact same bodies. And she is constantly making fun of the plates we call feet. They are more like hands and my son has the same ones as me. She says we're freaks, but it's just feet right. Who cares. I like that he has my feet. That way, I just have to take off his socks and my socks and say, "We're like twins!"

Looks don't form the connections you're looking for... time and togetherness do. Your daughter is going to relate to you... identify with you... connect with you. Don't sweat the small stuff.
 

Serenity

NCIS...
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 14, 2005
Messages
1,503
Reaction score
535
Location
...cause sometimes you just need a slap on the hea
When my cousin and his wife had their son, every picture I saw of Jack was like his father. Most everyone said so, and it drove his mom crazy. She was always asking, "Doesn't he look anything like me?" And at the time, the answer was, "Sorry, not really." However, he is now six years old and the spitting image of his mom. Looks change.

Doubts might be inevitable, given what you have both been through, but what doesn't change is the fact that YOU ARE her mom. You will always be her mom. Sarina is never in her life going to forget that, especially with several thousand people here to remind her of that fact, should it be necessary! (And several thousand people here to remind you of that fact as well!)