I really need an outside opinion on this...

Ok, I'm curious about this, so I'll pitch it to you guys. Perhaps there are a few children of divorced families out there who can weigh in on their opinion on this so I can get a better idea of just WHAT the right thing will be.

When my ex-wife and I separated, we decided that we were going to have the kids' birthday parties together, no matter what we thought of each other. Our reasoning was that our kids would probably really like having one day a year where their entire family is in tact.

We've managed to do so, with which there has been a LITTLE tension at the parties, but nothing too great. Until now...recently there has been some drama between my mom and my ex and now my mom and the rest of my family is saying they want to have separate parties and that they can't handle being in the same room with her anymore. Now, I don't want to ruin my daughter's party (which is in about 2 weeks) with a bunch of tension between the families, but on the other hand, I realize that if this happens once, they'll all have to be like this.

Personally, I WANT to be able to have their parties together as just one party. But on the flip side, I also think that they might not mind having separate parties and might even think it's cool to get two birthday parties in a year.

I'm kind of torn on whether or not it's really WORTH it to try to have the parties together or not. So, if there are any people out there who come from a home where your parents divorced, could you weigh in with your opinion on this? I want to do the right thing for my kids, and right now I am confused as to what that is.

If I have the party as one big party, I'm pretty sure that some of my family won't come. Is it worth that to have the party together? In MY mind I WANT to have the party together. That's what *I* want for the kids because I truly believe the kids appreciate (or will appreciate) that someday. Having the party together is what *I* truly want for my kids and what I think the kids would want, but IF it happens, there will be family members who won't show up (probably both sides of the family).

What do you think?

Williebee said:

Speaking as a child of divorced parents, who had some grandparents who thought they knew what was better....


This is a conversation for a more limited group.

You. Your Ex. and, after that, Your kids.

If the two of you want to have a birthday party, or maybe just an "occasion" (Dinner, lunch, whatever), then do it.

Your kids will care more about what their parents think, than what the rest of the family does.

Of course, there are a dozen different ways this could roll out, but it should come, first, from a shared agreement between you and your ex.

I was lucky. Even though my parents divorced when I was about 2, I always knew they loved me, and they both wanted what was best for me. Neither one of them tried to step on the other's interests, or put us kids "in the middle" of their relationship. A couple of the grandparents, on the other hand....

And, of course, as your kids get older, say the demon teenage years, they may or may not want to have this close family gathering. But it is more likely to be because they would rather be with their friends anyway.

In the meantime, have a party with each parent, or have a party with just the parents and the kids, and then separate events for the larger family.

Good Luck.

Click to expand...

Thank you (and the others so far) for this post. But this post has been the most helpful so far because it has given me an idea for a comprimise (which I don't know if the ex will be willing to go for it, but I could bring it up).

Perhaps we'll go for the two separate parties, but maybe on their birthdays we (the four of us) could have a birthday dinner together.

kristie911 said:

It's wonderful you guys can still get along like that.

Click to expand...

We don't really get along that well. lol

But sometimes we do. And sometimes we can set our differences aside for a couple of hours to do things with the kids (like a while back we all went to the circus together).

But yeah, we got along just long enough to do that kind of thing once in a great while, and then the rest of the time we are emotionally slugging each other in the face. lol

I see another issue coming up on the horizon now, slowly but surely. And that is the issue of my wife's boyfriend becoming a stronger presence in their lives. I'm starting to hear stupid shit out of her mouth like "Jason thinks this" or "Jason thinks that" and I can't help but think "Uh, I really don't give a fuck what Jason thinks" lol.

WittyandorIronic said:

As far as "Jason thinks blah, blah, blah" I only pray my husband's ex hears this same thing, lmao. Sorry for you, but if you are hearing it then 'Jason' is probably hearing it 20x as much, just like I do. Every single thing is "mom, mom, mom", even when whatever item at hand has nothing to do with mom. /shrug. It sucks...and as a step parent who's step kids have a moron for a mother, it gets frustrating, but I suck it up. They like having 3 parents, and that is all that really counts.
I will admit, I take petty pride in correcting whatever info she erroneously gives them. She is notorious for making crap up, and I find perverse satisfaction in encouraging the kids to research their own questions (which usually refutes her silliness). *I* don't tell them their mom is wrong, the encyclopedia does ALL the time though.

Click to expand...

I don't mean to be an ass, but that's the way it SHOULD be. If your STEP (<---LOOK AT THAT WORD--THOSE KIDS AREN'T YOUR KIDS) kids want to talk about their mother 20 times a day, then their mother is doing SOMETHING right (unless they are complaining).

The way I see it, step parents need to stay the hell out of it as much as they can. I would be thrilled to death if "Jason" had to hear about me 500 times a day. A small price to pay for him f**king my wife behind my back, don't you think?

ACEnders said:

I think that you guys should either

1 - have a family dinner or something with just you, your ex, and your children.

or

2 - throw seperate parties.

As a child of divorce, I can confirm what many othe rpeople have already said. Children know things. More things than you think. I knew my parents were having problems way before they ever told us or even before they ever fought in front of us. I sensed the tension and even wrote about it in my diary.

I know you want to do what's best for your children, but I think what you want to do may cause more stress for you than you need. I also think that it may not be as good for your children as you hope. I forget..how young are they? I wouldn't want you to accidentally confuse them ... make them think that maybe mommy and daddy are getting back together, you know? Does that make sense? I know that's noto your intention, but I wouldn't want that to happen. Kids hold on to that hope anyway, without you throwing both families back together. You know?

Click to expand...

I think you're right (and it seems that the consensus from all the people here who have divorced parents is the same thing--throw separate parties).

I'm going to pitch the idea of having a birthday dinner with the kids and my ex ON their birthday, and then have two separate parties. That seems like the best of both worlds to me (assuming me and her get along well enough to do it), PLUS they get THREE parties instead of even two.