Need help wording a sentence

Keyboard Hound · May 4, 2008

[FONT=&quot]An editor just sent me an edited copy of an article. I'm not thrilled with the sentence below and wonder how it could be made better. Or if I should not say anything and accept the changes they've made. I don't want to bring disagreement that would hurt chances of getting this published. The "it" is a tiny kitten.

Then it slipped down my chest into a position in which it could look up into my eyes, screaming the entire time.

I'm thinking this might be better: Then it slipped down my chest into position to look up into my eyes, screaming the entire time.

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Trish · May 4, 2008

Keyboard Hound, as you know, I'm no expert, but as a reader, the first one reads better.

I't's a powerful sentence.

This sentence brought back bad memories for me. That's how my little guinea pig Teddy, died.

Appalachian Writer · May 4, 2008

The "in which" in the first sentence makes it seem stilted to me. I believe in simplicity. I might suggest something like this: Then it slipped down my chest and looked up into my eyes, screaming the entire time.

If it's looking into your eyes, the reader can assume it's managed to find a position that allows that to happen. Another possibility, more powerful (I think). Then it slipped down my chest and looked up, screaming.

I don't think it would hurt to ask the editor if she thought your revision might work better. It's one sentence and the piece still belongs to you.

Keyboard Hound · May 4, 2008

Thanks Trish and Appy. I think I'm going to ask for a change.

Keyboard

Trish · May 4, 2008

This version is definitely better.

The "in which" in the first sentence makes it seem stilted to me. I believe in simplicity. I might suggest something like this: Then it slipped down my chest and looked up into my eyes, screaming the entire time.

by Appalachian.

jannawrites · May 4, 2008

Yup. I like Appalachian's suggestion. It flows much better, I think.

Keyboard Hound · May 4, 2008

I like Appalachian's suggestion, too. I asked for a change to it. Thanks, all.

Need help wording a sentence

Keyboard Hound

Old kid. Tough skin!!

Trish

Appalachian Writer

Somewhere in the hills....

Keyboard Hound

Old kid. Tough skin!!

Trish

jannawrites

no, really

Keyboard Hound

Old kid. Tough skin!!