View Full Version : hook at the beginning or the end?

04-29-2008, 02:54 AM
Thank you for all your suggestions. I've made a bunch of changes in my query. But, I'm still not sure if my 'hook' should be at the beginning or the end. Please let me know what you think.

Erin Matthews has had archaeology in her blood since she was a little girl. Her grandfather enticed her into the field with his stories of exotic places and amazing discoveries. Now, a noted archaeologist herself, Erin is leading a group at a dig on a tiny Greek Island. The team is exhausted, but exuberant. They’ve recently unearthed another ancient clay jar filled with mysterious parchments. Preliminary translations both excite and frighten Erin. They suggest the story of the crucifixion has serious flaws.

The Sons of Light, a Judaic Christian sect, has been following Erin and her team and learn about their discoveries. Almost two thousand years ago, members of the sect dedicated their lives to protect the secret of the parchments. Chased, shot at, even kidnapped, the team is determined to continue their research. A final bloody attack forces Erin to rethink her options. Should she continue risking the lives of her team to achieve her own fame and notoriety or give up the opportunity to expose the volatile 2000-year old secret? If the story in the letters is true, it was Joseph, a little known brother of Jesus, who was crucified in his place.

THE LAST SECRET is a 97,000-word thriller.

Thank you for your consideration.

04-29-2008, 03:02 AM
I think you got good feedback in your other post- for more detailed feedback this should probably go in post your work.
There is no hard and fast rule BUT IMHO (as I said in my previous comment in your other thread) your query letter would be stronger if you lead with the sentence about Jesus's brother being crucified in his place.
The more you ask the same question the more you will get differing answers.

cate townsend
04-29-2008, 08:48 PM
I agree with Orion. Put that last line FIRST! When I read your first query the other day and got to that line at the end, I was thinking, WOW. What a interesting premise. Don't make the agent wait to say wow. Hit 'em up front.

If I were an agent with hundreds of queries to read each week I would probably know after just the first two or three sentences of the query whether it was worth pursuing. Think of your query as a movie poster and you only get one line to pull in viewers. Are you going to use the line about your main character being an archaeologist or are you going to put something about a 2,000-year-old secret proving that Jesus' brother was crucified in his place? What do you think is gonna make people step back and go, "whoa"?

Oh, and I'd off set that hook, that one line, from the rest of your letter, then leave a space and start your opening paragraph.

Again, though, follow Orion's advice and get this into a shared work forum to get some more detailed feedback.

Smiling Ted
04-30-2008, 05:45 AM

Hook Goes In First.

04-30-2008, 10:40 PM
I agree with Pat. The last sentence is the attention-grabber. Hooks are first. :D

05-01-2008, 08:16 AM
Yep, that's your tag/hook line, and should be up front. And what a wonderful one it is, too.