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Beta readers needed for first chapter of revised story

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nybx4life

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Okay, so I did some revision for my story, and I need some beta readers to check it out for me.

Genre: YA (not too sure about YA, but someone said it is) fantasy
Title: Dark Streets: The Beginning

looking from readers: any plot holes in the story, grammar and/or spelling errors, and suggestions for improvement.

I would appreciate it. I could help you out if you're writing as well (beta read your work, though I'm not that good at critiquing)
If you're interested, post here, or PM me please.

thank you,
nybx4life
 
Captshady

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I'd be glad to read it, but I'm just a wannabe. I'm not published, and no where near an expert at writing. I can tell you what I liked and/or disliked, though.
 

nybx4life

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okay, do you want me to PM the chapter to you, or e-mail it?
Your choice:)

I'll be PMing it to you, since you didn't seem to take a choice.:)
 
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Captshady

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I'm so reluctant to comment ... who the heck am I to say what's right or wrong? But I'd want feedback myself so here goes ... the paragraph in red is the one I take issue with:

[FONT=&quot]"Bye, Joel! Do well in school!"

"Alright. Later, mom."

Jeez, like she really needs to say that. Jeez, ever since I started school, I always done well in class. Maybe it's a chant that she does that actually works. She definitely might be a witch doctor.

I walk to the end of the corner when a van rolls up and honks. I look left, and I see it's my dad in his company van. I go over to the van, and he opens the door for me. I go in, and put my bookbag down on a crate. I close the door right when the light goes green, and he turns left, towards my school.
"It's been a week since you transferred to...what's that school's name again?" He asks me in a mix of Spanish and English.

"Gompers, Papi."[/FONT]

Too many I do this, I do that. It's a speed bump in the flow of your story, for me anyways.

Also, when this sentence starts:
[FONT=&quot]"Alright, that's it." I pointed to the big building. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The flow of the dialog before this sentence, was of increasing hostility. I read this line as if he was fed up, angry, and something was hitting the fan. That's just me though!

I enjoyed reading it, it's a good read. I'd have kept reading, if there was more.


[/FONT]
 

nybx4life

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Score one for good read

Captshady said:
I'm so reluctant to comment ... who the heck am I to say what's right or wrong? But I'd want feedback myself so here goes ... the paragraph in red is the one I take issue with:

[FONT=&quot]"Bye, Joel! Do well in school!"

"Alright. Later, mom."

Jeez, like she really needs to say that. Jeez, ever since I started school, I always done well in class. Maybe it's a chant that she does that actually works. She definitely might be a witch doctor.

I walk to the end of the corner when a van rolls up and honks. I look left, and I see it's my dad in his company van. I go over to the van, and he opens the door for me. I go in, and put my bookbag down on a crate. I close the door right when the light goes green, and he turns left, towards my school.
"It's been a week since you transferred to...what's that school's name again?" He asks me in a mix of Spanish and English.

"Gompers, Papi."[/FONT]

Too many I do this, I do that. It's a speed bump in the flow of your story, for me anyways.

Also, when this sentence starts:
[FONT=&quot]"Alright, that's it." I pointed to the big building. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The flow of the dialog before this sentence, was of increasing hostility. I read this line as if he was fed up, angry, and something was hitting the fan. That's just me though!

I enjoyed reading it, it's a good read. I'd have kept reading, if there was more.


[/FONT]
Click to expand...



Oh yeah! Thanks for the comments:D
So far, 1 has approved of it.

I'm still looking for beta readers, so if you're interested people, please post or PM me telling me you're interested in beta reading.
I'm interested to hear your opinion:)
 
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