Screenwriter's Rage

By Mary J. Schirmer

Every once in a while, I have an episode of screenwriter's rage. Akin to road rage or street rage, screenwriter's rage occurs when I'm frustrated or feeling sorry for myself. Take now, for instance.

I'm fed up with how-to articles telling screenwriters that they should be submissive to the whims of producers and directors. Whose story is it, anyway?

I'm puzzled by a note from a producer who said, just two weeks ago, that he wanted to read one of my screenplays. Now he wants to read a different one, "since they're all looking for romantic comedies right now," and he reminded me that he works as a script consultant for $3 a page. This could be an honest misunderstanding, because I love this guy to pieces, but I approached him in his producer's role, not in his teacher's role. I don't want coverage. I want him to buy my screenplay and turn it into a movie.

I'm annoyed that a director friend of mine is suggesting that I'm delaying the progress of a video, even though he doesn't have the music, hasn't auditioned actors, and hasn't shot any of the B-roll that he said he was going to grab over the past two weekends. We also haven't interviewed the two experts to find out if I'm going to need a narrator or not.  And, oh yeah, I haven't seen one penny of pay yet.

I'm sick and tired of reading about a young writing team who made a spec sale that became a movie that did well at the box office, and now they've sold two pitches-- pitches, not screenplays-- one for $2 million and one for $3 million. I just want to know one thing. Who is helping them?  I read about people who go in to pitch, wearing T-shirts with holes in them, breaking all the "rules" of pitching, and who emerge with a five-picture deal and a validated parking stub.

I'm bothered when writers are pushed aside. Audiences know who starred in just about any movie, but they don't know who wrote the screenplay. How did it happen that screenwriters are so disregarded when playwrights are revered?  Try to change one word of a stage play and watch the Dramatist Guild descend on you like a hungry raven in a cornfield.

I'm even more upset when screenwriters push other screenwriters aside. To rewrite. To provide the director's vision. To make the star happy.

I'm really provoked when a producer approaches a screenwriter with a shred of an idea for a feature script, and after the screenwriter writes the entire project, the producer thinks he should get co-story credit.

I'm angry about people who call themselves writers when they can't spell, punctuate, or compose a decent sentence. (Yes, I know it's not popular now to use a final comma in a series. But it confuses readers sometimes to drop it, OK?)

Which reminds me that I'm irritated by word processing programs that try to guess what I'm writing and try to complete it for me. I'm absolutely livid when the spell check system suggests the incorrect spelling or usage. I see the basis for the saying: People who think they know everything are really annoying to those of us who do.

It enrages me when somebody tries to shake my confidence in my ability to write. Maybe the woman who said flat-out that she should read my script to be sure it was accurate was trying to be helpful. Maybe she was trying to set herself up as the only one who knows anything about this subject. I'm upset with myself for letting her give me doubts. I know how to write!

The vexing thing about screenwriting is that a person can be a fabulously creative writer, decorated with screenwriting contest awards, well-educated, well-read, versatile, dependable, grown-up, easy to get along with, and still not break in.

That pisses me off. There, I've said it. Thanks for listening. I feel better now.

Mary J. Schirmer is a professional writer who writes screenplays and teaches screenwriting. Her e-mail is awarenessprod@yahoo.com.

To read past Film Fuss columns, click here.

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