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Old 01-10-2013, 04:42 PM   #1
Overkill
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Need to reword a sentence.

I have this sentence i want to rework, but i am having a hard time finding a way to make it work

"It also made him think of his father. Frank hated the rain. He also hated his only son. He took every opportunity to let him know he would never amount to much of anything, both physically and mentally."

The way it is it feels like a POV problem. The Pov is "him" being obviously the son. Is therer a way to rework it to make it read better and so that it comes from the son's POV?
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Old 01-10-2013, 06:33 PM   #2
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I'm unclear who the "him" is in the first sentence and whether Frank is him or Frank is his father. Maybe I'm being dense, but the explanation doesn't clarify it enough that I get it.

Until I know that, I doubt I can reword it in a way that make a lick of sense.

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Old 01-10-2013, 06:40 PM   #3
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I'm assuming this appears as part of a larger work. If the "him" obviously and clearly refers to the son (which would have been established in a preceding sentence), then I don't see the problem, and the only change I'd make is to change the "him" in the fourth sentence to the son's name (which presumably is already known to be something other than "Frank").

Otherwise, in the absence of context, it's impossible to say if or how the sentence(s) should be changed.
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Old 01-10-2013, 06:54 PM   #4
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Assuming Frank is the father:

"It also made him think of his father, Frank.

Frank hated the rain. He also hated his only son, and never missed an opportunity to belittle his son's abilities, mental and physical."
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Old 01-10-2013, 06:55 PM   #5
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BACKDROP

It is from the son's POV. It is also established before this sentence. it goes like this

It started raining. It made him (the him being Gavin)think of Sara. She loved the rain.

then,

It also made him think of his father. Frank hated the rain .....
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Old 01-10-2013, 07:07 PM   #6
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Maybe something like this:
Quote:
The rain came down. Goerge thought of how much his father Frank hated the rain, and his only son. He took every opportunity to let George know he would never amount to much of anything, both physically and mentally.
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Old 01-10-2013, 07:18 PM   #7
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"It also made him think of his father. Frank hated the rain. He also hated his only son. He took every opportunity to let him know he would never amount to much of anything, both physically and mentally."

I'm assuming that Frank, the father, has already been introduced. Then you could structure it something like this:

It also made him think of his father: Frank hated the rain. He also hated his only son and took every opportunity to let him know he would never amount to much of anything, both physically and mentally.
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Old 01-10-2013, 07:23 PM   #8
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Tinkering with the sentence achieves nothing.

I think you are right - it's a POV issue.

This is not in the POV of the son -it's the narrator intruding to explain something.

If you want this in the POV of the son then what you should be looking at is tightening the connection between the stimulus for this reaction and the reaction itself - and removing the narrator's obvious presence from the equation.

The stimulus is obviously 'it' but I haven't a clue - out of context - what the 'it' is.

This is not a grammar or syntax issue.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Overkill View Post
I have this sentence i want to rework, but i am having a hard time finding a way to make it work

"It also made him think of his father. Frank hated the rain. He also hated his only son. He took every opportunity to let him know he would never amount to much of anything, both physically and mentally."

The way it is it feels like a POV problem. The Pov is "him" being obviously the son. Is therer a way to rework it to make it read better and so that it comes from the son's POV?
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Last edited by Bufty; 01-10-2013 at 07:32 PM.
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Old 01-10-2013, 08:25 PM   #9
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the stimulus

The stimulus is that it started raining. That is the "it" that brings on the recollection. I want him to remember that his father hated the rain and to include that wasn't all he hated. I want the character who is remembering to bring out how Frank told him he would never make anything of himself and let it be know it was physical as well as mental.

What i was thinking about is not including that at all and having it brought out in the dialogue that follows between the son and his best friend. That might be a better way to get it out there.....

Last edited by Overkill; 01-10-2013 at 08:48 PM.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:16 PM   #10
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I liked Susan's suggestion, but I don't know how it flows within your story.

However, I think from what you've explained about the set up to the sentence, you would be better off bringing it out in the dialogue that follows so that we're not jumping from Susan - to Gavin - to Frank. That's a lot of character jumping. I feel dizzy thinking about it
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:27 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Overkill View Post
I have this sentence i want to rework, but i am having a hard time finding a way to make it work

"It also made him think of his father. Frank hated the rain. He also hated his only son. He took every opportunity to let him know he would never amount to much of anything, both physically and mentally."

The way it is it feels like a POV problem. The Pov is "him" being obviously the son. Is therer a way to rework it to make it read better and so that it comes from the son's POV?
I think how you alter this depends on the son's voice, so I can't give you an accurate rewrite (where "accurate" means "true to the voice and POV and tone and all the other stuff"). Some ways I might do it (starting from the beginning because I feel all lost otherwise):

It started raining. It made him think of Sara. She loved the rain. It also made him think of his father Frank, who hated the rain and his son and puppies and most of everything anywhere, and spent many of his waking hours expressing it.

It started raining. It made him think of Sara. She loved the rain. It also made him think of his father, who once made him try to keep his car dry in a rainstorm with a beach towel for no particular reason other than his being an asshole.

It started raining. It made him think of Sara. She loved the rain. It also made him think of his father, who, predictably, hated it. Frank hated most things, though he held a special place of hate in his poop-encrusted soul for his son, and had taken every possible opportunity to fuck up Gavin's psyche.

...or whatever.
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