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Old 11-24-2012, 08:53 PM   #1
wallowismel
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Phrasing Dilemmas

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Last edited by wallowismel; 02-05-2014 at 03:53 AM.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:53 PM   #2
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In my opinion, the phrasing is quite readable if session gives its "s" to conflict to reflect the singular quality of "each." I don't think the semicolon works, as its chief function is to separate main clauses, and such isn't the case here. A colon would do a better job.

The format of each daily session consists of three parts: an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, followed by hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration.
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Old 11-24-2012, 11:09 PM   #3
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wallowisme,

My edit would be as follows:

Quote:
The format of each daily session consists of three parts: an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration.
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Old 11-25-2012, 12:30 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wallowismel View Post
"The format of each daily sessions consist of three parts; an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, followed by hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration." The above is snippet to be placed within a press release and I'm wondering if there are any transgressions made that make it unreadable.
The problem I have is that I'm not sure what it means. "Hands on demos of key lecture concepts" means little to me - does this mean key-lecture and is this the same lecture as the informal one? What are hands-on demos (this sounds like a contradiction)? That apart, I think if you got rid of 'three parts;' (which is obvious), then you are nearly there. However, as Chase pointed out, "each daily sessions" doesn't really make sense.
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Old 11-25-2012, 05:02 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kenn View Post
The problem I have is that I'm not sure what it means. "Hands on demos of key lecture concepts" means little to me - does this mean key-lecture and is this the same lecture as the informal one? What are hands-on demos (this sounds like a contradiction)? That apart, I think if you got rid of 'three parts;' (which is obvious), then you are nearly there. However, as Chase pointed out, "each daily sessions" doesn't really make sense.
Some of these are education buzzwords that have a clear meaning to teachers/educators. I teach at a college, so I have no problem knowing what these things mean. If the blurb is intended to be read by, say, educators who are attending a workshop, then it's probably fine as is. If it's intended for a more "lay audience," or for brand new students who haven't been introduced to these terms in previous courses, then defining what a "key lecture concept" is or a "hands-on demonstration" is may be handy somewhere.
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Old 11-25-2012, 06:01 AM   #6
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Susan Littlefield's edit sounds good to me.

But I am wondering if you could do away with "The format of" at the beginning and simply start with "Each session consists of three parts."

Is it the format or the session that has three parts?
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Old 11-25-2012, 08:07 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guttersquid View Post
.

But I am wondering if you could do away with "The format of" at the beginning and simply start with "Each session consists of three parts."

Is it the format or the session that has three parts?
Excellent point. I agree.
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Old 11-25-2012, 11:49 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wallowismel View Post
"The format of each daily sessions consist of three parts; an informal lecture covering that day’s primary topic, followed by hands-on demos of key lecture concepts, and a breakout session for personal projects or group collaboration." The above is snippet to be placed within a press release and I'm wondering if there are any transgressions made that make it unreadable.
That semi-colon should be a colon. A colon introduces a list.

Other than that, the sentence is clear, though the editing suggestions people have offered here would improve it.
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Old 11-27-2012, 05:50 PM   #9
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Agreed - it gets better and better as one reads each response.
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:24 PM   #10
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