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Punishing your kids
- Thread starter DamaNegra
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Well, to you there's a limit, to her there isn't. She worries, and the worry takes precedence over everything else. It means she loves you.
It's a worrying turn of events, but the older I get, the more I understand your mom's side of things. (help!)
Like Kimmi said, your mom's one of the good guys. She'd tear the world apart for you, if need be. That's a very good thing to have in your corner. Be patient, allow her her concern.
Dama, the point is, you might have known exactly where you were and what you were doing, but your mother didn't have a clue. She was left with this great gap of not knowing. With lack of solid information, imagination takes over. With no information whatsoever, anything is possible.
A phone call, saying, "Mom, I'm going to be late" or "Mom, I'm still at McDonald's and I don't know when I'm coming home," that's all your mother needs.
[And, Dama, being in a "good part of town" is not a surefire solution that bad things won't or didn't happen.]
A phone call, saying, "Mom, I'm going to be late" or "Mom, I'm still at McDonald's and I don't know when I'm coming home," that's all your mother needs.
[And, Dama, being in a "good part of town" is not a surefire solution that bad things won't or didn't happen.]
True enough. All it really means is, if something does happen, it'll make it onto the news.
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She did. I always tell her where I am and make sure she knows if there's a change of plans.
The rest of the time, he drunkenly proposes to the men on the forums.
When he realized that was William Haskins he was down on his knee in front of, he did not know where to put his face. Which is fortunate, they throw you out for that sort of thing.
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Understanding is a 2-way street, Dama. Talk to your Mom about how much you're going to miss your friends. Especially, your boyfriend. And that you want to spend extra time w/ them. If you have to have this talk, several times, so be it.
Get a watch that works
Call when you know you're going to be late. And don't wait until you're already late, either.
Your Mom is doing what she's supposed to, Dama. If she didn't give a flip, you'd really hate that. Here's a real cliche: She worries 'cause she loves you.
Poor Bart
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What she plans to accomplish with that is to deter you from repeating the behavior. That when you break the rules, there are consequences.
That's what punishment (for lack of a better word) is for.
And if it was an accident you missed curfew, and you don't usually do that on purpose, it won't happen again, then, will it?
We have new form of punishment for my four year old.. no computer time. Seriously, he discovered Noggin.com and NickJr. com, and he loves it. No cartoons and go to your room and sit on your bed works too. But he's four. An older kid, maybe take away their iPod or cell phone, or limit time on said cell phone. A kid who can drive - take away their car keys. Like others have said, it's all relative.
You seem like a good kid, Dama. I don't think your mom has any cause to worry. But yeah, if you're running late, even if you THOUGHT she knew where you were, call! Some parents yell when really they're worried sick. What if that wasn't where you were, or you were late because you were in a car accident or some psycho stole you away! (thinking of things that run through a Mom's head when child isn't where she is supposed to be at a given time)
See?
That's what punishment (for lack of a better word) is for.
And if it was an accident you missed curfew, and you don't usually do that on purpose, it won't happen again, then, will it?
We have new form of punishment for my four year old.. no computer time. Seriously, he discovered Noggin.com and NickJr. com, and he loves it. No cartoons and go to your room and sit on your bed works too. But he's four. An older kid, maybe take away their iPod or cell phone, or limit time on said cell phone. A kid who can drive - take away their car keys. Like others have said, it's all relative.
You seem like a good kid, Dama. I don't think your mom has any cause to worry. But yeah, if you're running late, even if you THOUGHT she knew where you were, call! Some parents yell when really they're worried sick. What if that wasn't where you were, or you were late because you were in a car accident or some psycho stole you away! (thinking of things that run through a Mom's head when child isn't where she is supposed to be at a given time)
See?
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Dama, everyone here seems to have been very nice to you, and they've even said you seem like a nice person etc.
I am going to disagree. You seem to me, like someone who doesn't care about your mother's feelings at all. You come across as very selfish in that regard and you believe that she is the one in the wrong by setting a curfew/wanting you to stick to it/wanting you to phone if your going to be late. And you throw flippant remarks back at her when she is trying to tell you she is worried.
I have been in the position of your mother, as one of my kids didn't come home on time. I went out looking for him after he was twenty minutes late. It seems some 'nice' man with chocolate had decided to take an interest in him (he was ten). I arrived, I am sure, at the right time, and gave this guy, let's just say 'a little piece of my mind'.
At what point do you think a parent should begin to worry? when the child is 5 minutes late/10 minutes/20 minutes or perhaps 2 hours late, or not at all. What would have happened if I had arrived at that park five minutes later? Something I don't really want to think about.
If you are on this board, then I would assume you are/want to be a writer. Then as a writer I challenge you to write a story about this situation but from your mother's POV. It may just make you think.
I am going to disagree. You seem to me, like someone who doesn't care about your mother's feelings at all. You come across as very selfish in that regard and you believe that she is the one in the wrong by setting a curfew/wanting you to stick to it/wanting you to phone if your going to be late. And you throw flippant remarks back at her when she is trying to tell you she is worried.
I have been in the position of your mother, as one of my kids didn't come home on time. I went out looking for him after he was twenty minutes late. It seems some 'nice' man with chocolate had decided to take an interest in him (he was ten). I arrived, I am sure, at the right time, and gave this guy, let's just say 'a little piece of my mind'.
At what point do you think a parent should begin to worry? when the child is 5 minutes late/10 minutes/20 minutes or perhaps 2 hours late, or not at all. What would have happened if I had arrived at that park five minutes later? Something I don't really want to think about.
If you are on this board, then I would assume you are/want to be a writer. Then as a writer I challenge you to write a story about this situation but from your mother's POV. It may just make you think.
Dama-
As a parent, we try to set up boundaries, and we let you do whatever you want within those boundaries. They're as fair as we can make them because we're concerned with your safety and your emotional and physical wellbeing, and being able to do whatever you want whenever you want is neither good for you physically or emotionally, so get that crap out of your head right now.
The funny thing is, the kids only have to think they're being punished for it to be effective. I was in the car on a trip with my kids when they started fighting. I yelled "That's it, give me your right shoe!"
"But Dad!"
"We'll stop!"
"I'm sorry"
"I don't care, you're both in trouble, give me your shoe now!"
Quiet reigned in the car until the destination.
As a parent, we try to set up boundaries, and we let you do whatever you want within those boundaries. They're as fair as we can make them because we're concerned with your safety and your emotional and physical wellbeing, and being able to do whatever you want whenever you want is neither good for you physically or emotionally, so get that crap out of your head right now.
The funny thing is, the kids only have to think they're being punished for it to be effective. I was in the car on a trip with my kids when they started fighting. I yelled "That's it, give me your right shoe!"
"But Dad!"
"We'll stop!"
"I'm sorry"
"I don't care, you're both in trouble, give me your shoe now!"
Quiet reigned in the car until the destination.
But jvc, it's a proven fact that teenagers' brains are hardwired to be selfish during the teenage years.
http://www.cosmosmagazine.com/node/637
I don't know how reliable that link is. It's the first to reference the study I read about.
From what I'm gathering, you are moving dama?
It's perfectly normal that you want to make the most of what time you have left with your friends and your boyfriend. Maybe you and your mother should sit down and try to work out a compromise. It has to be even more difficult to focus when you know that the end is nigh.
And FWIW, I think it says a lot about our teens here at AW that they come and ask adults for advice on how to best approach situations with their parents. It's inspiring.
http://www.cosmosmagazine.com/node/637
I don't know how reliable that link is. It's the first to reference the study I read about.
From what I'm gathering, you are moving dama?
It's perfectly normal that you want to make the most of what time you have left with your friends and your boyfriend. Maybe you and your mother should sit down and try to work out a compromise. It has to be even more difficult to focus when you know that the end is nigh.
And FWIW, I think it says a lot about our teens here at AW that they come and ask adults for advice on how to best approach situations with their parents. It's inspiring.
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I think most people nowadays don't punish their kids enough and when they do they punish the wrong one.
If my sister had been punished more often, she wouldn't be the loser she is now. My parents let her get away with everything the way they never let me (not that I've deserved it most of the time actually) because she is forceful. It's much easier to punish the kid who is easily intimidated...
<-- holds a grudge
And dama... you break the rules, you pay for it. If you say you're gonna go home at a certain time, you do what you have to do to make it happen. Your watch doesn't work? Ask someone else for the time. If you want more time then ask for it. They'll understand you want more time with your friends. They know what it's like to have friends.
+ how can they now that you didn't get run over by a car or something when you are late?
If my sister had been punished more often, she wouldn't be the loser she is now. My parents let her get away with everything the way they never let me (not that I've deserved it most of the time actually) because she is forceful. It's much easier to punish the kid who is easily intimidated...
<-- holds a grudge
And dama... you break the rules, you pay for it. If you say you're gonna go home at a certain time, you do what you have to do to make it happen. Your watch doesn't work? Ask someone else for the time. If you want more time then ask for it. They'll understand you want more time with your friends. They know what it's like to have friends.
+ how can they now that you didn't get run over by a car or something when you are late?
Dama, you tell your mother that you're going to be at McDonald's and home by midnight.
You're not home by midnight.
Plans have changed and you haven't told her about it because the time that you're suppose to be home was part of the plan.
If what you're saying is accurate, that you always let your mother know about the change of plans, then it really is predictable for her to worry. You're not behaving as she would expect.
She's not being unreasonable expecting a phone call. Even adults let other adults know if they're going to be late or break routine because they don't want the people who care about them to worry.
I think it's a case of parents telling their kids they are going to be punished, then not following through with punishment.
"Okay, don't do that again."
Little Joe does it again.
"I told you to stop doing that."
Little Joe does it again.
"Look, if you do it again, there'll be trouble."
Little Joe does it again.
"I'm warning you."
Little Joe does it again.
"Stop it."
"Little Joe does it again."
"If you don't stop it you will go to your room."
Little Joe does it again.
"I mean it. You do that again, it's off to your room."
Little Joe does it again.
"Did you just hear me?"
Little Joe does it again.
"That's it, I've had enough. Do it once more and you go to you're room."
Little Joe does it again.
"I'm going to tell your father/mother about this when you get home."
Little Joe does it again.
"Do you want to be punished? Because you're going the right way about it."
Little Joe does it again.
"I swear, you do that just once more and you go to your room."
Little Joe does it again.
"Arrgh, I've had enough of you." Parent walks out of room.
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I only give three chances, then it's really off to the room. At that point, child screams "No! I'm sorry, mommy I won't do it again!"
Um, kid, I asked you three times already and you didn't stop. So I don't believe you. Off to your room, sit on your bed until I tell you to come out.
He's at the stage where he likes to push to see how much he can get away with. I don't let him.
Um, kid, I asked you three times already and you didn't stop. So I don't believe you. Off to your room, sit on your bed until I tell you to come out.
He's at the stage where he likes to push to see how much he can get away with. I don't let him.
But, darling, I love you slightly more than the rest of them! Provided they aren't in earshot.
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Maybe I'm coming across as a little selfish, I don't know. Maybe I AM acting a little selfish on this matter, but only because I'm frustrated with my parents being selfish on other things which have nothing to do with the current subject. But yeah, if both parts are being stubborn an agreement will hardly be reached, I'm just tired of being the one who always yields to everything. Maybe it's just that I wish my brother was punished and scolded more often than I am, because he's always disrespectful of my parents and any rule they set for him. And now, for the first time in my life I'm breaking a rule, and not even on purpose, and I'm the one who gets scolded. It's just not fair.
I see them all the time. Those parents should be whacked with a big stick several times in the head. Morons.
Dama, as punishment for staying out too late and not calling like you should (worrying me and your mother sick) I'm sending you to the Newbie forum for two hours. No buts! Maybe now you'll learn!
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A little story:
When I got out of college, I wound up moving back in with my parents (very much against my will). While I was working and trying to figure out a way out of there, I met a girl. She was 18 and just starting college. We dated for several months before I finally managed to find a way to get out. Knowing that it would be a long while till we'd see each other again, we had planned to make the most of our last night together.
That night, she wound up getting home about 3 hours past her curfew (a curfew that had been imposed after previous late nights out with me). She came home, bawling her eyes out, and found her father waiting up for her. He went over to her, gave her a big hug while she cried on his shoulder.
"You gonna be okay?" he said.
"Eventually."
"You're grounded, you know."
"Yeah. That's okay."
Dama, all I'll say is this: if you did the crime, you have to do the time. Teenager or not, trying to talk your way out of being punished when you know darn well you broke the rules is unbecoming to you. You're better than that.
When I got out of college, I wound up moving back in with my parents (very much against my will). While I was working and trying to figure out a way out of there, I met a girl. She was 18 and just starting college. We dated for several months before I finally managed to find a way to get out. Knowing that it would be a long while till we'd see each other again, we had planned to make the most of our last night together.
That night, she wound up getting home about 3 hours past her curfew (a curfew that had been imposed after previous late nights out with me). She came home, bawling her eyes out, and found her father waiting up for her. He went over to her, gave her a big hug while she cried on his shoulder.
"You gonna be okay?" he said.
"Eventually."
"You're grounded, you know."
"Yeah. That's okay."
Dama, all I'll say is this: if you did the crime, you have to do the time. Teenager or not, trying to talk your way out of being punished when you know darn well you broke the rules is unbecoming to you. You're better than that.