Choose one of these sentences

oakbark · Dec 10, 2013

This is out of context and the sentences look weird stand-alone.. but for various reasons I want something similar.

Disregard the tone and the voice which belong to the MC in his head.
Feel free to point out punctuation etc.

But if you just had to choose one, which of the 5 would it be?

Or, if you can get all the info in a different way into a max of 25 words that would be cool (but I might use it without credit).

Being told at twenty-three that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of your life didn't sound too hot.

Being told, when you are twenty-three, that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of your life didn't sound too hot.

Being told that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of your life didn't sound too hot when you were twenty-three.

Being told that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of your life, when you are twenty-three, didn't sound too hot.

When you are twenty-three, being told that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of your life didn't sound too hot.

chompers · Dec 10, 2013

Third one. And I think "didn't" should be "doesn't."

Maggie Maxwell · Dec 10, 2013

I'd say 3 or 5, depending on the tense you want. I think the tense in 5 with chomper's suggestion sounds better though. (are/doesn't versus were/didn't)

Elaine Margarett · Dec 10, 2013

<g> I prefer number 1. It's shorter, punchier and sounds more like inner thought. And in this sentence I had no problem with *didn't* .

MookyMcD · Dec 10, 2013

I'm wrestling a little bit with the "didn't" and "you" aspect, because if the writer makes the statement with regard to "you" instead of himself, it becomes an abstract truth, not an event. We just had a ridiculously long back and forth thread on that issue, but the temporal statement for "you" is probably present tense, although it would be past tense for "I."

So if you want to keep it "when you're 23" it needs to be "being told... doesn't"

Captcha · Dec 10, 2013

I'm not crazy about any of them because they all make it seem as if it's the "being told" that's not too hot rather than the "taking the rest of your life to learn to cope" that's not too hot.

Russell Secord · Dec 10, 2013

When you're twenty-three, 'learning to cope' isn't something you want to do for the rest of your life. [18 words]

Torgo · Dec 10, 2013

Of those, this:

Being told that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of your life didn't sound too hot when you were twenty-three.

Torgo · Dec 10, 2013

Captcha said:
I'm not crazy about any of them because they all make it seem as if it's the "being told" that's not too hot rather than the "taking the rest of your life to learn to cope" that's not too hot.

But also this.

ajaye · Dec 10, 2013

Hearing that 'learning to cope could take the rest of your life' isn't too hot when you're twenty-three.

18 words

Lil · Dec 10, 2013

I was 23. "Learn to cope" wasn't what I wanted to hear.
(I'm assuming that context will tell me what you are supposed to cope with. I also assume it's something more serious than a request to help with the laundry.)

oakbark · Dec 10, 2013

Captcha said:
I'm not crazy about any of them because they all make it seem as if it's the "being told" that's not too hot rather than the "taking the rest of your life to learn to cope" that's not too hot.

Good catch.

The purpose of the sentence is to transmit the MC's displeasure with both, being told and what they are telling him.

blacbird · Dec 11, 2013

Door No. 1. Good solid sentence, crisp, vigorous, no confusions.

caw

Rufus Coppertop · Dec 11, 2013

If knowing he's twenty-three isn't completely necessary right at that point in the story, this might a viable way of saying it.

Realizing you'll be old before you learn how to cope sucks when you're young.

Once! · Dec 12, 2013

At twenty three I was told that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of my life. That didn't sound too hot.

or

It's not too hot to be told at twenty three that ‘learning to cope’ could take the rest of your life

or

At twenty three they said that learning to cope could take the rest of my life. Yeah, right.

or

Learning to cope could take the rest of your life. It's not too hot to be told that when you're twenty three.

Choose one of these sentences

oakbark

chompers

Maggie Maxwell

Making Einstein cry since 1994

Elaine Margarett

High and Dry

MookyMcD

I go to eleven

Captcha

Russell Secord

nearly perfect

Torgo

Formerly Phantom of Krankor.

Torgo

Formerly Phantom of Krankor.

ajaye

partial to a gum tree

Lil

oakbark

blacbird

Rufus Coppertop

Once!

Still confused by shoelaces