Teens Writing for Teens, the 5th

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Parametric

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No... because we didn't realize they were bad. We were blind fools, brought into the light by the great Para.

:Hail:

I have this idea in my head that one day, when I finish my book and I think it's decent, I'll ask Para to read it for me.

It's a scary thought. Lol. :D

My hopes and dreams are intact. You need bigger guns.

Nope, Para just made my hopes and dreams bigger.

Thank you. I try. :tongue
 

Thalia

better off with a really good lie
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Oh shit, I have to go. I might not be back by 8. Now I'm really sad. But I'll still rep your post when I get back.
 

Zoombie

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It's okay. I'll just ramble in this thread.

I need to see if witnesses to a military trial are allowed to leave the building...I know jurors cannot...
 

Kyla Laufreyson

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I really should write, but I can't YAWN because I'm busy answering ChaCha questions.
 

Imbroglio

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I want to write too, but I have to do plotting before I can continue...

argghhh....
 

KarlaErikaCal

YA romance writer in love with love
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Para, you are so made of ninja awesomeness. I'm still gonna put you into my acknowledgments if I publish a book :D Without you, I wouldn't have learned of the 3-Act structure, which I've found to be super duper helpful to me. Passing on your knowledge to me and first applying that to v.4 of LS was the moment I consider my stuff not sucking anymore (as stated earlier). And that was last November, I think. So glad I made it to this thread :)
 

Zoombie

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We came to what had to be the fifteenth recreation of the Apollo lander in the world. It sat on a dais, surrounded by a bubble of transparent screens, which could turn into augmented reality projections if you wanted. Some kids were oohing and awing as an AR recreation of Armstrong stepping off the lander played.


“I have more computer power in my clothes wheel chair,” Sarah muttered, running one hand along her wheelchair’s armrest. I snorted.


“They used slide rules. Did you know, I once learned how to use a slide rule,” I leaned over and whispered in her ear.


“And what, my darling, is a slide rule?”


“I’ve told you like six times!” I pushed her past the lander, heading toward the Shuttle era .”It’s a tool for calculating without the use of electronics.”


“So, you’re saying that the first spacers got into a soda-can sitting ontop of seven stories of explosives and rode that to the moon, using math figured out by one of those bead things?” Sarah grinned at me. “No wonder you guys are all insane.”

If you traveled back in time to the 1960s and gave NASA an I-phone, it would have BLOWN THEIR MINDS.
 

Parametric

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Para, you are so made of ninja awesomeness. I'm still gonna put you into my acknowledgments if I publish a book :D Without you, I wouldn't have learned of the 3-Act structure, which I've found to be super duper helpful to me. Passing on your knowledge to me and first applying that to v.4 of LS was the moment I consider my stuff not sucking anymore (as stated earlier). And that was last November, I think. So glad I made it to this thread :)

Awww. Glad to help. :LilLove:
 

MysteryRiter

Murder isn't so bad...
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Hola! I have changed my query letter a lot and I'm still working on it. Thank you to Wheelwriter for all of the help!!! Just wanna post my progress; it's still rough but I think it's much better. But Para, you are welcome to crush my dreams. ;)

Taylor Williams had a plan that could allow him to successfully harbor his deadly secret. It wasn’t a great plan, but it was a plan nevertheless. Except it doesn’t quite hold when that feeble-minded poodle of a cop, Barbara, pries into his personal life, well, that was not part of the plan. And so the killings begin.
Detective John Harris scrambles for answers following the death of the SFPD’s beloved secretary, Barbara, while taking heat from his sadistic boss. But no answers seem to surface. And when John discovers a zodiac sign tattooed to Barbara’s forehead, he realizes that he is staring at a serial killer’s signature. Two deaths and two zodiac signs later, John is dumbfounded at the grace in which the murderer kills. And when a hair follicle materializes on in body in the morgue, John pursues the owner, unaware it’s all part of the killer’s game…
Now Taylor Williams has John right where he wants him and Taylor is enjoying every second of it. After deceiving John all of these years and planting some innocent scum’s hair on a dead body, he’s led John to the surprise of his life. And then, of course, the best part – his death.
Set in modern-day San Francisco, Down by the Bay (75,000 words) is a murder mystery told through several different points of view including the murderer’s.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
 

Kyla Laufreyson

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All right, I know absolutely nothing, practically, about writing queries, and I've never critted one before, but I do have two things to say.

1. I don't think your first paragraph actually tells anything about the story. Just saying "the plan" is really, really vague.
2. The rest of it is incredibly busy. I felt more like I was reading a tiny synopsis than a query.

But that's just me -sweatdrop-
 

Thalia

better off with a really good lie
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This query makes Taylor the protagonist, but you said it was John. If John's the MC, you have to start the query with him, and make it about his desires, his challenges, and his personal stakes. Right now, I don't give a damn about John. However, if Taylor is the MC, the situation is different.
 

Horserider

Ever onward
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I agree with Arianna. The problem with having multiple points of view is the fact that you have to choose one to feature the query on. Otherwise the reader goes, "Who are all these people?" and you don't give them time to actually start caring about any of them. Also, I wouldn't name Barbara.

Your second paragraph is better, but it still needs work.
 

MysteryRiter

Murder isn't so bad...
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Yeah. Thanks for the comments. I'm trying to make John more lovable. He's the MC. But as my writing proves I myself am more fond of Taylor. It's at least better than the other... right? Also, this is a Noir/Hardboiled so you get both POVs the antags and the protags. Sorry to bother you all with the query, just proud with the progress
 

Thalia

better off with a really good lie
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When I started writing queries, they were super vague. Don't be vague in queries. Give me hard facts.

John is investigating a murder case. Except it turns into another murder, and another, and eventually John realizes he has a serial killer on his hands. But then the murders start really scaring him when people he knows and loves become the victims. In his grief, his competence is slipping, and it occurs to him that the murderer might also be someone he knows and loves. If he doesn't figure it out, his entire family will be destroyed. If he does figure it out, his entire world might be.

That is a shit query (it's not even a query) but it makes the story seem John-centric. I don't care if you have ten million main characters, the query has to be about one. The less people you have to cover, the more words you have to make the ones you do mention matter.
 

Kyrie

Queen of Adverbs (unfortunately)
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There are also a number of grammar issues and places where you can just smooth out the sentences. A query letter is one place where you want to have your grammar and spelling down perfectly, in order to make a good impression.
 

Zoealea

Mmmm, caffeine.
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I just remembered that starting at midnight tonight, I won't have internet for a few days. *noooo* My brother bought us better internet so they're turning the internet off until we install the new stuff.
 

Keagerz

He Who Plays With Dolls
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No internet! Dx Oh my god I would die haha. But at least it's a good excuse to get LOTS AND LOTS of writing done. ;)

And I just got dragged go to scrub shopping with my mom. She was like "oh let's go to the mall" so I was like "YAY OKAY."

Well, all we did was look at scrubs for her, and I wanted to look at something and she was like "NO THAT'S NOT WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR D:<"

I'm a bit miffed that I could have been doing something productive in that time. XD Oh well.
 
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