Mired in bitter cycle of creation and self-destruction

...finish a novel. Writing the first draft is only a tiny part of the entire project. Afterward you can start kicking the crap out of it. But you won't have a body to kick until it's fully grown. Tell your inner-critic to back off until you're done.

Firstly: Argh! My eyes! The font, in burns!

Secondly: This plea of someone to share with and possibly get motivation and advice from, is probably best placed in the writer buddy/mentor forum.

Thirdly: You think a musician doesn't first compose a hundred crap songs before approaching some semblance of beauty? You think a painter does not first paint a hundred paintings before reaching the first hints of style? Going to the end is the only way to learn structure. Always draft to the end. Find a writer buddy or mentor and good luck.

Maybe you could try writing a novel that is styled as a series of smaller pieces. You said you can write short stories without having this problem. Why don't you try a longer project that's composed of a set of interlinked short stories, unified by shared characters, setting, or theme?

If talking out your ideas is helpful, I'd also suggest finding someone to discuss them with -- if not your wife (although there is no reason why the alpha reader and idea-sounding-board can't be the same person; I have a couple of writing partners who fill both functions for me!) you could try a friend or family member who is likely to be supportive.

And maybe it would be useful to look at exactly what aspect of the project is bogging you down, and then focus on developing that aspect during the development work so you can use all that preliminary work to club your inner editor over the head with. If you're having doubts about your plot, maybe doing a very detailed outline beforehand would be useful, so you know where you're going. If your characters seem flat and uninspired to you, maybe it would be helpful to write some side stories with them before you launch into the main story, so you already know their voices. And so forth ...

I wrote a blog about this a few days ago. It might help.

http://willonce.wordpress.com/2014/12/07/the-magic-of-the-first-draft/

The trick for me is to give myself permission to write a rubbish first draft. Drafts can be fixed. Text can be written. Dialogue can be sharpened. Characters can be tweaked.

But first you've got to get to the end. You need to have something to work on. Ignore those doubts and plough on to "the end". It will be okay. Really, it will. I promise.

It's a bit like a sculptor carving a statue. It looks absolutely awful in the first stages. Nothing is polished. Only the sculptor knows what it is going to look like. He or she has to have faith that it will turn out well.

What everyone else has said: finish one of them.

If you don't think in terms of longer stories, a linked novel might work. There are many good examples, but one of my faves is a long-out-of-print fantasy called 'Cyrion' from Tanith Lee. It is interconnected short stories and a novella, all set in an alt-history Crusades.

Leaving a novel after only 'a couple of weeks'? That's a bad habit, which you've apparently reinforced by repetition. If you don't have the same problem with shorter works and screenplays, it may just require some mental trickery to break the habit. Make a novel out of linked stories. Think of the novel as a 'novelization' of its nonexistent screenplay. Heck, do the screenplay first and get dialog and action nailed down.

Do not quit.

At early stages of their writing lives, many writers discover the sheer joy of hammering out word counts on perfect days. But they won't all be perfect days, and sometimes - often - writing is hard work. Push through. Do it anyway, even if the first draft sucks. It's only a foundation, after all. Without it, you are building on sand. With even a terrible first draft, you have tangible support for something better.

Tell your inner editor to pipe down - nearly all first drafts have problems.

Don't believe your mind when it hates everything a chapter or two in. That's like hating a baby or puppy: sure, they're noisy and smelly, but they're kinda cute, and there's a lot of potential there.

Truth: I hate every project I work on, at some midpoint stage, whether art or writing. I push through after analyzing *why* I hate it, and changing those problem areas if I can. Or I keep going just to see what I can do at later stages. The projects I've hated most have turned out to be the best ones I finish. It may be that my inner editor is full of crap. Or the project is successful because of that extra effort I gave at the choke point. I don't know, but it's a confirmed quirk after 30 years.

No I don't think you have to repost as a moderator will move the thread if they see fit -- that's my observation, anyway.

I was just like you. And I sure I still am in certain respects. I couldn't finish a novel to save my life. My depression made the task even worse, especially since I hated my job and felt so miserable about what I couldn't accomplish. I've written short stories, poems, memoirs, etc as well and those were all easy in comparison. But I wanted to write that novel, and I was so consumed with the idea and so in love with it that when I put it on paper, if it didn't meet my expectations then I gave up. Several projects remained unfinished. But, it does take writing a crappy manuscript to say "Wow, I'm done. I did it."

So, as mentioned, write until you finish. Do not edit as you go along. Remember your idea will not come out as brilliantly as they appear in your head. That's natural and inevitable. And, that's okay! It should not take away from the quality of your work.

I don't know if you've done this; but what's helped me tremendously thus far is outlining my stories. I used to do this just for authors because I thought, hey I don't need to outline. I can just go with the flow. But, I had no completed work to show for my efforts. I created a novel outline -- Alicia Rasley gives great advice of how to make one. Then, I created an outline of each scene organized by chapter. My scene outline has been extremely helpful in keeping me focused on what I need to write. It allows me to think of the novel in terms of scenes (which might work for you if you're a screenwriter) rather one lofty, lengthy project. This might work for you! That way, if I have a scene in my head, I'll write it down instantly. Most importantly, the task of writing a novel becomes less intimidating.

Doing this produced a shitty manuscript for me. The premise has constantly changed so it's a bit of a mess. I hate it, and I probably won't look at it for a while until I know how I want to fix it. But, it's there. It's done! I'm over a third of a way through another manuscript that shows far more promise. The current project probably would have seemed impossible if not for that very first craptacular piece of work.

If you need a buddy, let me know. This shit is tough. And obviously you'll have the support of everyone here. It may take you a while, but the novel is doable. It's hard and feels like it can go on forever; that's because it is hard, but it will be done!

Lantern Jack said:

The reason it is so difficult for me to push on through to the end is I suffer from crippling obsessive-compulsive disorder, for which I am heavily medicated and have sought therapy, but must battle every hour of every day, always in danger of becoming clinically depressed or worse, along with coping with the already overwhelming trials of being a writer. It is doubly difficult.

What are your ways of rekindling the passion, when it begins to wane, or snuffing the self-doubt? Admittedly, my self-doubt comes in the forms of overwhelming anxiety, stress migraines, stomach pain, tremors, extreme paranoia and hallucinations, but maybe there is a technique one of you employ that may help.

As for this thread being misplaced: I apologize. Should I repost it to the proper forum or ask a moderator to move it?

I suppose what I really need is some external support to counterbalance my lack of an internal one. Layla suggested my alpha reader and sounding board/mentor could be my alpha reader. I am just wondering if being in so deep on the inner workings of a project doesn't diminish the freshness of the first read for the alpha reader. My wife, by the way, has been a mainstay on these boards for over a decade, has a degree in writing and is, herself, a writer to be reckoned with, which does make her the ideal sounding board, and if there is a way I can have her be mine, without compromising alpha reader integrity, I would gladly like to know.

Thank you for your replies.

Click to expand...

I, too, can be a perfectionist at times. My co-workers and I joke that it comes with the job. But I allow myself some leeway on the first draft, because it is, after all, just a first draft. If it's going to prevent you from finishing something, anything -- not just writing -- then you need to just remind yourself that you'll make it perfect later. Right now just make it good enough.

I notice that I always become plagued with doubts about my writing when I've hit 3/4 of the way through the book. It's a perpetual problem, even though I recognize it and have overcome it in the past time and again. What helps though, is getting a critique. Even when it's criticism, at least it's something that can help that story be better, and that motivates me to continue on. And yes, I send it to my alphas. And no, it doesn't affect their reading of it later. They may have an idea of what's going to happen, but it gets updated based on the feedback, so there's still new stuff. Plus, when I send it to them it's still unfinished, so each time they definitely get new content, because I'll have added to it since the last time they read it.

Hope that helps. And the suggestions above are great.

As a writer married to a writer, I'd say get a new alpha reader and let your wife help you directly. Good alpha readers may be rare, but someone who can motivate you, build you up, and who intimately understands all the things (and problems, and stresses) going on in your life? Far rarer than an alpha reader.

As mentioned, you can write the whole first draft without any editing. Or, you can create a very detailed outline and write each scene, editing as you go without moving to the next scene until you are satisfied. The outline is necessary here, as you need to know where you are going so that you don't constantly return to previous scenes to correct continuity problems. Experiment with both methods and see which works for you; we're all wired differently, so what works for some (or even the majority) may not work for you.

Taejang said:

As mentioned, you can write the whole first draft without any editing. Or, you can create a very detailed outline and write each scene, editing as you go without moving to the next scene until you are satisfied. The outline is necessary here, as you need to know where you are going so that you don't constantly return to previous scenes to correct continuity problems. Experiment with both methods and see which works for you; we're all wired differently, so what works for some (or even the majority) may not work for you.

Click to expand...

That's a very good point. We all work differently and it could take a moment to find your groove.

What difference does hate it make? This is not complicated. You start writing a novel because you choose to start writing it. You stop writing a novel because you choose to stop writing it.

Twenty years later, well, I have no idea what to say. Surely at some point twenty years ago it much have occurred to you that yu CHOSE to stop, and yu could have CHOSEN to continue.

Nothing has changed. Love it, like it, of having overwhelming hate for a project has nothing whatsoever to do with finishing or not finishing. If you want to finish, then keep writing until you finish.

Jamesaritchie said:

Nothing has changed. Love it, like it, of having overwhelming hate for a project has nothing whatsoever to do with finishing or not finishing.

Click to expand...

Maybe not to you, but it absolutely does to some people.

Writing isn't easy and if it was, it wouldn't be so satisfying. But it's a personal interest, nothing that's holding up the moon. If it's making you miserable, imo that's your cue to step back.

Fruitbat said:

Writing isn't easy and if it was, it wouldn't be so satisfying. But it's a personal interest, nothing that's holding up the moon. If it's making you miserable, imo that's your cue to step back.

Click to expand...

Exactly! Let it go, then come back...

Just get it out and edit later. Write the novel only you could write.



Those were the most useful pieces of advice that helped me complete a novel after many ditched attempts.


When I ran into a plot problem, I took long walks to sort it out.


I hope that helps!

I think the preferred technique in this scenario is called "Outrunning Your Inner Critique." Pretty self-explanatory, but very hard to do. Write the entire first draft without once stopping to fix anything, no matter how much you want to. If you don't stop to re-read, you'll have a much harder time hating what you've written.

I think, in the end, no matter what support you have or lack of it, it comes down to you and the keyboard. How badly do you want it?

Only you can answer that question.

This sounds like exactly the sort of thing NaNoWriMo was created for...

But you say you want to complete a novel, but you've written many other things besides novels and sold them. You've "never written anything longer than a novella," you say. So you've written a novella? Have you ever tried, like, writing a novella and expanding it? I knew a writer who wrote novella-length first drafts in a week or two and then like doubled them in edits. If you finish your "novella" first and then expand, you don't have to worry about this looming specter of "can I finish a whoooole novel???". Heck, if you have a novella you like trunked, you can expand that.

I separate the two things. For creation I use Talisker or Laphroaig, in small quantities, sipped at leisure. For self-destruction, I go for cheap chardonnay, in a big glass.

caw

Tequila, dark chocolate, and Night Vale tend to be my slump-breakers.

Some people can't write short stories to save their life. Or poetry. Or screenplays. Or plays for the stage. Or novels.

But they *can* write something else.

Write what you can and don't worry about the rest. There's no rule that says the novel is the have-all and be-all for an author to achieve.

Do fifty short stories. Do poetry - write haiku. Write that movie script you've always wanted to do.

JMO.

Writing needs a number of leaps of faith.

Leap 1 - will I be able to get to the end? Writing a novel is a huge commitment in time. You need to have the willpower to stick it out through the dark times (and there will be dark times).

Leap 2 - will it be any good? Your first draft will probably be awful. That's when the doubts creep in. You convince yourself that you can't write, that you will never be as good as the published authors that you read, that you have chosen the wrong genre, style, subject matter, characters, plot. It's all crap.

And that's why many people give up. They either get intimidated by the sheer size of the task or they get so hung up on quality control that they freeze.

How do we make leaps of faith like this? The first time we do it, it takes courage, determination, sheer bloody mindedness. It becomes a lot easier after we have done it a few times. We know we will get to the end because we've got to the end before. We know that we can edit a book into a better shape because we have edited before.

There is almost no novel than can't be written by the rigorous application of butt-in-chair. There is almost no genre that can't be sold. No plot that can't be made to work. No character that can't be brought to life. No bad writing that can't be edited and polished.

No matter how many doubts you feel during the writing of a novel, it can nearly always be finished.

Ignore those who say that it is easy or if you want it you'll do it. They aren't you. They probably have the experience of making these leaps of faith so often that they aren't leaps of faith.

Taejang has already made the suggestion that occurred to me reading your posts. Why not involve your wife sooner in the process? You seem to be depriving yourself of a very useful asset during the writing process.

Because if you don't finish the book it becomes a bit irrelevant who you had lined up to be alpha or beta readers.

Sheryl Nantus said:

Some people can't write short stories to save their life. Or poetry. Or screenplays. Or plays for the stage. Or novels.

But they *can* write something else.

Write what you can and don't worry about the rest. There's no rule that says the novel is the have-all and be-all for an author to achieve.

Do fifty short stories. Do poetry - write haiku. Write that movie script you've always wanted to do.

JMO.

Click to expand...

Anyone can write a short story, or a poem, or a screenplay, they just can't write good ones. But anyone can, if they want to, sit down and finish any of these things, however bad the final result may be.