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Character just ran - out of breath - correct dialogue punctuation

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tcnpika

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I searched the forum, but couldn't find an adequate answer, so thought I'd ask.

Several times in my novel, I have characters who just finished running or doing some tough physical activity, but then need to speak. This is especially important in my first chapter where one of my characters must speak about a police matter to some witnesses. So, how to express this in punctuation within dialogue?

"Just got done...running...sorry...can't speak...so quickly now."

"Just got done - running - sorry - can't speak - so quickly now."

"Just got done, running, sorry, can't speak, so quickly now."

I'm trying not to overuse ellipses (I tend toward that), but realize sometimes they are the only thing that works best. Thank you for any help.
 

Debbie V

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I think dashes work best. Commas don't feel right at all.
 

alleycat

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I would go with ellipses.
 

Brightdreamer

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I'd use ellipses.

I also wouldn't obsess too much over this. If you get published, and the house style is different, it's a pretty easy fix. I cannot foresee a situation where an editor absolutely adores your story but turns it down for using ellipses instead of dashes (or vice versa) in one sentence.
 

Layla Lawlor

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In the example, the dashes look better to me than the other options, but I feel that a little of this usually goes a loooong way -- it can get distracting and heavy-handed very quickly if every other word is punctuated with a break. Usually it works just fine to mention the speech issue and then throw in a reminder often enough that the reader doesn't forget about it, e.g. something like this:

"Just got done running," he panted. "Sorry -- can't talk fast."

The police officer nodded. "That's all right. Describe what you saw."

"Two guys. Ski masks. Both pretty tall." He paused for another few gulps of air, while the officer waited impatiently. "Couldn't see their faces. Just a minute ... need to sit down."


Or, you know, whatever he actually saw. :D This is clunky but I guess it gets the point across. A long string of dialogue punctuated with ellipses or commas every other word is going to be hard to read. You can break it up in other ways.
 

Niccolo

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"I have to tell you...about the MacGuffin."

So, yeah, I'd go with ellipses. Commas and dashes just seem off to me.
 

Tinman

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"Just got done...running...sorry...can't speak...so quickly now."

I like the ellipses better, but I think you've overdone them here and broken up the speech in an unnatural way.

Just got done running . . . sorry . . . can't speak so quickly now." Though, I'd consider changing the - can't speak so quickly - to something like - hard to talk.

Or you could just use periods and insert, he inhaled quickly (or some sort), between the stops. IMO.

Good Luck................Tinman
 

BethS

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I'm trying not to overuse ellipses (I tend toward that), but realize sometimes they are the only thing that works best. Thank you for any help.

I think the ellipses work best. They're certainly the more conventional choice.
 

Bufty

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Main thing is the reader knows the character is out of breath. Short sentences/fragments then achieve the desired result without any dashes or ellipses.
 
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onesecondglance

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Dashes!

Ellipses don't (in my head*) sound like a short pause. They're a trailing off, a "Well..."

Dashes imply that broken quality better to me. But Bufty is right - you need to consider your sentence structure as well as punctuation. An out-of-breath person won't say the same thing as they would when not out-of-breath (inflated? ;)).

* other heads are available. Results may vary.
 
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guttersquid

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"Just got done...running...sorry...can't speak...so quickly now."

Dashes would be incorrect. In dialogue, dashes are used to show an interruption by an external source, a break in thought, or a shift in tone. That's not what's happening here.

Ellipses are used to show a pause in the flow of a sentence, and that's what's happening. (Note: Ellipses show a trailing off only at the end of a sentence.)

In the OP's example the ellipses are correct except for one detail. When an ellipsis is used at the end of a sentence, the ellipsis follows a period, and consequently, the next sentence starts with a capital. So the example should read:

"Just got done . . . running. . . . Sorry. . . . Can't speak . . . so quickly now."

But I'm with others. Use this sparingly. Except for the dashes, Layla Lawlor's example is a good one.
 

tcnpika

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Thank you all, for your help. I am leaning more toward Layla Lawlor's explanation - change the sentence structure, combine with some brief words of descriptions, something along this line. However, I do agree with those suggesting ellipses seem to imply a pause between breaths the best, yet don't overuse it.

Thank you again.
 

Makai_Lightning

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"Just got done...running...sorry...can't speak...so quickly now."

"Just got done - running - sorry - can't speak - so quickly now."

"Just got done, running, sorry, can't speak, so quickly now."

I'm trying not to overuse ellipses (I tend toward that), but realize sometimes they are the only thing that works best. Thank you for any help.
With you on not overusing ellipses. They just feel so right!

I'm the odd duck here, though, because the only of those that reads "right" to me is the one with the commas. Meaning the voice in my head reading the first one is slow but not out of breath slow, just drawly slow. When you're running, you're breathing to hard to drawl out words too long so that seems wrong. It seems more like someone waking up from a damn good nights sleep (to me).

Dashes I would normally say looks best but feels wrong here and I think someone else said why better than I can. I just find it annoying to read that way.

Alternative solution, and y'all feel free to argue with this one;

"Just done. Running. Sorry. Can't speak. AHHHH MY LEGS." Or you know. whatever.
 
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