Gay vamp short story synopsis: Need input

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saradobiebauer

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"Dario is a centuries-old vampire who accidentally falls in love with Zach Mede: vamp hunter extraordinaire. They keep their relationship a secret until a murderess makes Zach a target, and Dario's lover being mortal suddenly becomes a bit inconvenient."

Please let me know if this little blurb catches your attention. Thanks!
 

Jamesaritchie

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Well, if you're into Twilight style "vampires", maybe. I'd prefer my vampire hunters to kill the souless, evil undead as soon as they find them.
 

Marlys

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Forget Twilight--you're going to have to work hard to convince people this isn't just a gay retread of Buffy+Angel.
 

saradobiebauer

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Updated due to some other writers' input:

Even centuries did not prepare Dario for Zach Mede and a love that took his vampire heart by surprise. But loving a mortal holds dangers of its own. A mortal can be murdered ... and murderers are everywhere.
 

Abderian

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The final phrase would put me off a little because murderers aren't everywhere.
 

Ken

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The final phrase would put me off a little because murderers aren't everywhere.

At least without some explanation. Being a vampire, a lot of people would be after him. That just needs to be spelled out a bit. May be obvious, but just not quite obvious enough.

Maybe just add to the last line, "with stakes," for clarification.
 
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Jamesaritchie

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Sorry, I don't like vampires who aren't murderers themselves. They're the undead. They're evil and soulless.
 

Jamesaritchie

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Well, Norfolk Island has only had two murders since the 1890s.

But it's very difficult for non-Australians to settle there.

hth

This doesn't mean there are no murderers there. It may mean only that they're very, very good murderers. Maybe that old man who died of natural causes was really poisoned. And you know the woman who broke her neck last year, and everyone thought it was a terrible accident? Maybe it wasn't so accidental?

Or, with a population that small, no one has yet found a reason to commit murder. But the murderers are there, and if one of them finds a reason, a reason, there will be a murder.

Sorry, but I write a lot of mysteries. The best possible location for a good murder is where there's almost never, ever a murder.
 

Abderian

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At least without some explanation. Being a vampire, a lot of people would be after him. That just needs to be spelled out a bit. May be obvious, but just not quite obvious enough.

Maybe just add to the last line, "with stakes," for clarification.

As I understand it, the murderer isn't after the vampire but his girlfriend, the mortal.
 

Ken

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As I understand it, the murderer isn't after the vampire but his girlfriend, the mortal.

Oh yeah. You're right.

Clarification needed, even more. (Why are murderers everywhere? If after vamps that's sorta a given. Not so much so a mortal. That's gotta be explained. It would put me off too.)
 

Lillith1991

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As I understand it, the murderer isn't after the vampire but his girlfriend, the mortal.

Girlfriend? Are you misreading something perhaps? Last I checked, the vampire in the OP is gay. It's even right in the title. Gay. In this case a male homosexual, meaning he is romantically and sexually attracted to men.
 

Jamesaritchie

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To me, the phrase implies murderers and murders are common, which isn't true.

Do you have any idea how many people were murdered last year? How about last century? Murder is very, very, very common.

Out of every one hundred people you meet, five are psychopaths who would love nothing better than to commit murder. Only fear of getting caught stops them. Sometimes. About half a million people are murdered worldwide each year.

This is only part of the story. Another one and a half million are murdered, but the person committing the crime has it plea bargained down to a lesser charge, so it doesn't count on the stats. Another five million attempt murder, but are stopped. Another million go missing, and will never be heard from again. No one knows how many of these are murder cases, but of these missing, only the dead are ever found.

This doesn't even count most of those murdered in wars. I don't mean soldiers killing soldiers, I mean actual murders than are simply listed as casualties, if they're mentioned at all.

Maybe murder is uncommon on a percentage basis, but all those numbers of two or three per 100,000 are grossly misleading, and by design, barely touch the actual number of murders.

This also does not count such mass murderers as Pol Pot, with ten million murdered. Never mind Hitler and Stalin. Between the three of them, they murdered nearly thirty million people.

But I'm just talking about civilians killing civilians.

Murder is certainly far too common for my taste. People love killing other people. If they can't do so by outright murder, which millions have done, they'll start a war. WWII alone killed at least fifty-five million people.
 

EMaree

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The first blurb works fine for me. The target audience for this is m/m romance readers, right? That blurb would fit perfectly in a romance e-book shopfront, whereas the second blurb is a bit too vague.

I'm unconvinced that the feedback about the murders is going to benefit this short story blurb. It would work if Saradobiebauer was selling a horror short, but for a romance short the first blurb's focus on relationships works better.
 

Abderian

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Do you have any idea how many people were murdered last year? How about last century? Murder is very, very, very common.

Out of every one hundred people you meet, five are psychopaths who would love nothing better than to commit murder. Only fear of getting caught stops them. Sometimes. About half a million people are murdered worldwide each year.

This is only part of the story. Another one and a half million are murdered, but the person committing the crime has it plea bargained down to a lesser charge, so it doesn't count on the stats. Another five million attempt murder, but are stopped. Another million go missing, and will never be heard from again. No one knows how many of these are murder cases, but of these missing, only the dead are ever found.

This doesn't even count most of those murdered in wars. I don't mean soldiers killing soldiers, I mean actual murders than are simply listed as casualties, if they're mentioned at all.

Maybe murder is uncommon on a percentage basis, but all those numbers of two or three per 100,000 are grossly misleading, and by design, barely touch the actual number of murders.

This also does not count such mass murderers as Pol Pot, with ten million murdered. Never mind Hitler and Stalin. Between the three of them, they murdered nearly thirty million people.

But I'm just talking about civilians killing civilians.

Murder is certainly far too common for my taste. People love killing other people. If they can't do so by outright murder, which millions have done, they'll start a war. WWII alone killed at least fifty-five million people.

Oh please, James, let's not get into an argument about murder statistics. Imo opinion murderers are not 'everywhere'. No one I know or knew even remotely in my nearly fifty years of life and living in four countries was murdered. I've never encountered a murder scene even. So in my perception murderers are not lurking under every stone, which is what, to me, the blurb implies. The writer asked for feedback and I gave an honest opinion, which is as valid as yours or anyone else's.
 

Jamesaritchie

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Oh please, James, let's not get into an argument about murder statistics. Imo opinion murderers are not 'everywhere'. No one I know or knew even remotely in my nearly fifty years of life and living in four countries was murdered. I've never encountered a murder scene even. So in my perception murderers are not lurking under every stone, which is what, to me, the blurb implies. The writer asked for feedback and I gave an honest opinion, which is as valid as yours or anyone else's.

It is largely a matter of perception, but I'm sixty one, and I've personally know more than two dozen people who were murdered. I suspect we've lied very different lives, and been to very different kinds of places.

But i stand by my statement that murder is extremely common, which applies to what the OP asked. The fact that any one person hasn't been around or experienced anything like this probably says more about the way they live than it says about murder.

Come stay in one of my favorite Mexican towns, and I can guarantee you'll see at least one murder scene every day, and will probably hear the shots that did the killing. It's all about drugs, of course, and this may be why my peerception is so different.
 

Abderian

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It is largely a matter of perception, but I'm sixty one, and I've personally know more than two dozen people who were murdered. I suspect we've lied very different lives, and been to very different kinds of places.

But i stand by my statement that murder is extremely common, which applies to what the OP asked. The fact that any one person hasn't been around or experienced anything like this probably says more about the way they live than it says about murder.

Come stay in one of my favorite Mexican towns, and I can guarantee you'll see at least one murder scene every day, and will probably hear the shots that did the killing. It's all about drugs, of course, and this may be why my peerception is so different.

You could equally say the reverse.

My point is just because your perception is different from mine doesn't make my perception less valid. It's pointless to criticise another's feedback on writing. Unless they're being untruthful their opinion is valuable to the writer, whether or not it chimes in with your own, because the opinion is that of another potential reader.
 

Unimportant

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Taking this back to the OP: as Maree asks, who is this intended for? Back cover copy to entice a reader, or short query to send to an agent, or what?
 
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