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Hi Glamour177,
Without copy-pasting the entire excerpt over here, I can't really offer a detailed crit, but a couple of things struck me right off the bat.
First, and most importantly by FAR, first-person-present-tense is incredibly, incredibly difficult to pull off. A lot of readers find it annoying and distasteful; that's the main reason books written that way are so rare. It's also very tricky to make consistent, and there are some tense errors in your chapter (like "Ten minutes pass as I sat there debating..." and "I glance at the clock again and mentally dissect how I would divide the time I have remaining.").
There are also quite a few distancing phrases used: "I notice my hand is still holding" instead of "My hand is still holding" (although really that should be "I'm still holding." You don't have to write "think to [your]self," as it's impossible to think to another person (unless you're writing a paranormal about telepaths).
Last, although you've obviously started your story in the right place--when your MC receives the flash drive--nothing really happens in the chapter. She gets the tape. She looks at the tape. She describes the tape. She thinks about the backstory and tells herself not to cry. Then she thinks about her plans for the evening and how she's always late for things. She lists every action she takes in closing the tape case, walking to another oom, opening the CD player, putting the CD in, closing the CD player, etc. Then she decides to take a shower. She gets in and lathers her hair, while telling herself how upset the tape will probably make her. She looks up at things; she looks down at things. She runs into the living room.
Do you see what I mean? You don't need to describe every little action she performs, and while the situation she's in is very interesting, the details of inserting a CD and washing her hair are not.
You have this great set-up, one that sets the reader up for lots of emotional tension. And you've portrayed some of that tension. But there's no corresponding tension in her activities, and rather than showing us what kind of person she is, you're telling us. Your story hook gives you a fantastic way to show us what the MC's relationship with Mason was, by playing the songs and showing us what memories and feelings they evoke. A relationship told through music is a lovely idea, and one we can all relate to. But by giving us all the info up front you've destroyed the tension. This is a very, very common mistake, so don't think it means something as far as your talent or your ability to write sellable work. It doesn't. It just means you're starting out, the way each and every one of us did.
I think the potential is definitely there, and I hope you focus on that and that you've found my comments helpful, as my intention is to help.
I also highly recommend you buy (or check out at the library) Elements of Style by Strunk & White, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne & King, and The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman. They're excellent books; they helped me--and pretty much every single writer I know--immensely.
Have fun, and don't give up!
Without copy-pasting the entire excerpt over here, I can't really offer a detailed crit, but a couple of things struck me right off the bat.
First, and most importantly by FAR, first-person-present-tense is incredibly, incredibly difficult to pull off. A lot of readers find it annoying and distasteful; that's the main reason books written that way are so rare. It's also very tricky to make consistent, and there are some tense errors in your chapter (like "Ten minutes pass as I sat there debating..." and "I glance at the clock again and mentally dissect how I would divide the time I have remaining.").
There are also quite a few distancing phrases used: "I notice my hand is still holding" instead of "My hand is still holding" (although really that should be "I'm still holding." You don't have to write "think to [your]self," as it's impossible to think to another person (unless you're writing a paranormal about telepaths).
Last, although you've obviously started your story in the right place--when your MC receives the flash drive--nothing really happens in the chapter. She gets the tape. She looks at the tape. She describes the tape. She thinks about the backstory and tells herself not to cry. Then she thinks about her plans for the evening and how she's always late for things. She lists every action she takes in closing the tape case, walking to another oom, opening the CD player, putting the CD in, closing the CD player, etc. Then she decides to take a shower. She gets in and lathers her hair, while telling herself how upset the tape will probably make her. She looks up at things; she looks down at things. She runs into the living room.
Do you see what I mean? You don't need to describe every little action she performs, and while the situation she's in is very interesting, the details of inserting a CD and washing her hair are not.
You have this great set-up, one that sets the reader up for lots of emotional tension. And you've portrayed some of that tension. But there's no corresponding tension in her activities, and rather than showing us what kind of person she is, you're telling us. Your story hook gives you a fantastic way to show us what the MC's relationship with Mason was, by playing the songs and showing us what memories and feelings they evoke. A relationship told through music is a lovely idea, and one we can all relate to. But by giving us all the info up front you've destroyed the tension. This is a very, very common mistake, so don't think it means something as far as your talent or your ability to write sellable work. It doesn't. It just means you're starting out, the way each and every one of us did.
I think the potential is definitely there, and I hope you focus on that and that you've found my comments helpful, as my intention is to help.
I also highly recommend you buy (or check out at the library) Elements of Style by Strunk & White, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne & King, and The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman. They're excellent books; they helped me--and pretty much every single writer I know--immensely.
Have fun, and don't give up!
