Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

1. First Sight

My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt--sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.

In the Olympic Penninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds. It rains on this inconsequential town more than on any other place in the United States of America. It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old. It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That

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I finally made it to the end! I just wanted to give you a big thank you, Uncle Jim, for all the hard work you've put into this thread. It has given me some of the best writing advice I've found, and has turned me into a mostly-faithful BIC-er (I'm working on improving though).

As far as this first page goes, I've recently read the book, at a request of a friend, and so I suppose it's safe to say that I DID turn the page. However, if it hadn't been loaned to me by a friend, I don't think I would have. It just seems like the writer is trying too hard, especially by using inconsequential, omnipresent, and compelled in the same paragraph. Besides, I don't usually enjoy books that begin by discussing the weather.

James D. Macdonald said:

And it's time to play First Page!

Okay, everyone! Do you turn the page, or do you put the book back on the shelf?

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I'm a newb, so I don't know the rules... But I will tell you that I read that book. The voice was very easy to stick with, at least for me.

I'm a fan.

I'd put it back. Ms. Swan is already complaining.

I read it and put it back. The voice put me off. I agree with Cyia: it didn't sound like any teenager I know.

In a word, no. It's clunky, and trite. I have no idea what it is or who wrote it, but a few people have already chimed in to say they have read it, so it must be fairly popular. Goes to show you something. Don't know what, but something.

James D. Macdonald said:

And it's time to play First Page!

Okay, everyone! Do you turn the page, or do you put the book back on the shelf?

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If I didn't have to read this for a class, I would have put it back on the shelf.

I'm not sure. It would probably depend on what kind of a mood I was in and how much time I had available. Which is to say, it's on the edge for me. It's not awful, but there's not much of a spark either. So if I was coming at it with a glowing recommendation from a friend whose opinion I respected, I'd turn the page expecting that things would pick up later. If I was feeling cranky and had picked the book up at random, maybe not. Although I usually give a book a little more time than this to hook me. I don't mind quiet beginnings if there are hints of the glories to come or a very fine voice. So far, I haven't encountered either in this.

I wouldn't go on.

The character doesn't compel me to read further. I don't know who it is or why I should care. Any reason to read further isn't on the first page. There's no hint tnat anything interesting is going on or that it will happen in the future. I'd have had to read the back cover or reviews to know if I wanted to read that book.

But just the first page, no. It doesn't grip me.

Judg said:

So if I was coming at it with a glowing recommendation from a friend whose opinion I respected, I'd turn the page expecting that things would pick up later. If I was feeling cranky and had picked the book up at random, maybe not.

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I agree. And sometimes the book I didn't give a chance the first time I ever picked it up really turns out to be good. Not often.

It seems nearly everyone but me read this. What the heck is it?

Hi Steven,

Go to Amazon.com and in the search bar type "Twilight." Look for an icon that says "Look inside." Click it. Look for something that says something like "the first pages" and see how far you get.

I got to page two. Out of curiosity mostly.

You could have just said "Twilight" and I would have understood. While I am interested to read it to see what all the fuss has been about, I just don't want to subject myself to it. I feel pretty much the same way about the Harry Potter series.

But I would love to have those authors's understanding of what will sell and drastically increase their bank accounts.

Here's a little something my wife was just saying to me. We were discussing the "Do you turn the page?" idea, and she asked why we look at such a small part of the book to decide in this excercise. I said as writers we need to strive to draw readers in from the first paragraph, first line, if possible. I told her some people might open the book at the bookstore, read the first few lines, and make their decision that way. Now, Crystal is the type of woman that gives things more of a chance. Luckily I believe that there are many people like her, that may stay on the fence with the first few pages, and if it gets better, well, you get the idea. But I know we have to write the best that we can. And for me to do that, I want to grab the reader from word one.

Crystal did give me an example of a book that has a slow start that is one of her favorites: East of Eden by Steinbeck. She said the first chapter is all description of scenery. That's something he probably wouldn't have gotten away with today. But based on her recomendation, I'm going to read it when I finish Ghost Story by Peter Straub.

Uncle Jim, can we play along with the "Turn the Page" game? Could we post the first page of our novels-in-progress to see if our colleagues would turn the page and read on?

smsarber said:

Crystal did give me an example of a book that has a slow start that is one of her favorites: East of Eden by Steinbeck. She said the first chapter is all description of scenery. That's something he probably wouldn't have gotten away with today. But based on her recomendation, I'm going to read it when I finish Ghost Story by Peter Straub.

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I feel your pain with Steinbeck. I have an English degree and was forced to read books that should be outlawed under the Geneva Convention. But they're considered 'classics' and 'important'.

I think a lot has to do with what we read books for and the time in which they were written. I read strictly for entertainment though I hope I learn something when I'm reading, even if it's just a new word. Our society today has so much more stimuli than it did back when many of the 'classics' were written. Hence, most of us are conditioned by TV, movies, computers--fast-moving stories, instant gratification.

I think anything that gets people to read has some intrinsic value, whether it's something I'd read or not.

I love first page stuff... great tools for learning critical analysis.

James D. Macdonald said:

1. First Sight

My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt--sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.

In the Olympic Penninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds. It rains on this inconsequential town more than on any other place in the United States of America. It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old. It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That

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OK, we have two characters, and a setting. Sounds good so far. And I get the idea that the narrator is leaving Phoenix going to a town her mother came from, but she's been spending one month every summer... That's intrigue.

However, these two paragraphs seem a bit info dumpy for me. It's a set up -- there's really nothing wrong with it. It just sounds more like an introduction ("Hi, my name is... and I'm from..."). I am not crazy about the writing in these paragraphs... too many vague adjectives. "Cloudless blue sky" is always a bad sign in the FIRST paragraph...

Will I read on? Probably. It's a start. Is it interesting already in these two paragraphs? Not particularly, but then again, it's not entirely dreadful.

But I agree about the voice. I had no idea this is about a teenager. The voice doesn't match. However, it could be a 30-year-old woman narrating about her past, so that's okay. I guess I will have to read some dialogue to see if it rings true or not.

If I'm looking for a book to read in the store, however, I probably would put this one back and look for something else. Not that I think this sounds dreadful already -- it just seems rather uninteresting.

Definitely. If it will get kids reading, and off the video games and television, it could be a cookbook for all I care. My seven year old loves to read and have books read to him. Of course, he also loves his video games.

For our work in progress, I think it would be better to use Share Your Work, elsewhere on this board.

In a bit, a line-by-line on the book excerpt above.

I know I've suggested this before, but I'm going to suggest it again: Go down to a bookstore and watch people as they decide what book to buy. What do they look at first? What is the last thing they do before they either put the book back on the shelf or walk over to the cash register?

As far as Steinbeck: By the time he wrote East of Eden he was a known quantity. People who read and liked his earlier work would give him far more room than they would give the same book with a different name on the cover. Remember that the last chapter of your current book sells your next book.

When I was a teenager, I didn't know what eyelet lace was and if i did, I doubt I would have mentioned it... or worn it. It's the same stuff my Gramma had rimming the doilies on her side tables. And end tables. And on the back of her chairs. And in the middle of the dining room table... and you get the picture. Lots of doilies.

The last chapter of your current book sells your next book. That's a great thing to keep in mind!

And you're right, the SYW is a better place. I just don't get many repsonses there anymore. I may have scared everyone off

I would and did turn the page. I thought the writing was clean and the voice was clear and compelling. Unusually mature for a teenager, but then, some teenagers are like that.

I didn't make through more than about half the book, though. The dialogue tags bugged the hell out of me. I can't read books where characters are constantly whispering, muttering, grumbling, shouting, and declaring things because the author is afraid of the word "said."*

* Unless it's Bujold. She gets a pass on this one from me because she does it so well even I don't notice.

I read the book to write a paper on it. The paper turned out to be a 10-page rant about the awfulness of the book. Then I polished it and now I'm reading it in front of an audience tomorrow. In short: I wouldn't have turned the page if I had my reasons to do it. The rest of the book is as "interesting" as those few paragraphs.

I recall taking a course in Sir Walter Scott. The first book we had to read was Guy Mannering and I loathed it. I even told my professor, when he asked what we got out of the book, "I feel like I just read a book for class. It meant nothing to me." And I still got an A in the class.

Fortunately, we had 5 books we had to read and had to do our paper on a 6th book we chose on our own. I chose The Abby and was glad I did. I enjoyed that book much more than the required reading except for Ivanhoe and The Bride of Lammermoor. If I hadn't been required to suffer through the boring books, I'd never have read the others. I found them much more exciting and enjoyable.

So the suffering paid off.

I put the first page of A Birthday Suicide up in "Other" in SYW. I've been working on this book for so long, I think I finally have the opening the way I want it, and the rest of the rewrite is at least moving along. I will finish this damn book if it kills me!

No, I wouldn't pay money for a book that starts like this. I agreed with everything Maestro said. There was just enough interest there to turn to page 2, but I almost certainly would not buy this book.

If it's one of Stephenie Meyer's, I wouldn't have picked it up in the first place, wouldn't have got past the cover. I'm not interested in reading about vampires (or teenagers).

euclid said:

If it's one of Stephenie Meyer's, I wouldn't have picked it up in the first place, wouldn't have got past the cover. I'm not interested in reading about vampires (or teenagers).

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Which, of course, doesn't say anything about the quality of a work. There are very fine novels about vampires--and teenagers. It's just that this particular work is horrible.

euclid said:

If it's one of Stephenie Meyer's, I wouldn't have picked it up in the first place, wouldn't have got past the cover. I'm not interested in reading about vampires (or teenagers).

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Except you can't tell what they're about from the covers. The covers are very well done, and totally non-representative of the material inside.