Crap film ideas

Godzilla V Donkey

In a freak nuclear accident Donkey (from Shrek) is transported through time and space to 1950s Japan where Godzilla is attacking downtown Tokyo. Donkey's experience with dragons convinces him he can talk Godzilla down from his drug induced frenzy. In a scene of searing brutality and sadness Donkey's shtick proves no match for Godzilla's lazer beam eyes. Terribly injured Donkey must figure out a way to defeat Godzilla and return home. B&W, Subtitles.


Kudos to onesecondglance for the huge number of very funny ideas.

Dh wants to know when Terminator VS Predator is coming out.

An association of stateside writers for local markets and publications bash everything U.S. They sprinkle U.K. terms in stories set in New York with Big Ben in the background and a UCLA campus constructed as an Oxford community of colleges. There are tea shops everywhere instead of Starbucks, and the best cars have bonnets, boots, and steering wheels on the right side. All firearms are assault rifles. Pluto, discovered by U.S. astronomers, couldn't possibly rank as a planet. Everything "colonial" is tweeted in snarky smirks with U.K. spelling and punctuation. Canadians were okay until they Americanized.

The latest project is a musical starring Lulu and Hugh Grant as Texans who apologize for causing continental drift, the Alamo, and the Bushes. Hollywood goes wild at the premier.

onesecondglance said:

Trash Day

Action thriller starring Jason Statham. An ex-Navy SEAL finding it hard to adjust to suburban life is caught up in a life-or-death chase to get the garbage out on time.

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I'd totally watch that. Really.

onesecondglance said:

The Royal Wee

Classic British farce following the misadventures of a conman who sells some yellow liquid he claims to be the Queen's pee to a chinese guy on eBay. What he doesn't realise is that an obscure clause in the laws of succession means he has just officially given England to the Chinese.

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I'm beginning to see what you're doing. You're pitching stories that actually sound good but while they make excellent pitches, they are just bound to make horrible movies.

Okay, here goes.

Red Ocean

It is, of course, Die Hard ... under water!

A boat manned by marine biologists - out on a diving expedition to find the mythical Gorilla Shark Squid - is hi-jacked by terrorists who force the divers to search for a gold-laden ship wreck. One of the divers is the ex-wife of former Cop 'Hook' MacLine. MacLine, of course, happens to be on holidays and, in a misguided attempt to win back his ex-wife by "accidentally" bumping into her under water, literally drops in to free the hostages by taking on the terrorists from below. Will he manage to free everybody and kill all the bad guys before he runs out of air? A thrilling adventure packed with slowed-down action and almost no dialogue!

Oh, and in the final act, the gorilla shark squid appears, too, drawn in by all the blood in the water. Or maybe that's the sequel.

Ninety Minutes with my Beretta

Directed by a Kaufman afficianado, a director's first attempt at an action film. A farce with the lead character pondering over his beretta in an excrutiatingly philosophical but dialogueless film where the actor eventually falls asleep with his gun.

onesecondglance said:

Max, you've totally got it. Red Ocean is great!

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Thanks. By great, you mean too good to be crappy? I can always add a conspiracy or two.

Not sure if this is crappy enough either, it may actually be just the kind of thing that winds up getting made:

Interiors

Action comedy

Fred is a has-been bestselling novelist who's been down on luck for a while. These days, he lives on dwindling sales of his first novel and conning his more successful friends out of their money (and patience). When a young journalist wants to write a where-is-he-now homestory about him, he breaks into the house of one of these friends who wouldn't let him in otherwise, so he can present himself in a place that's not his worn-out one-room apartment. She keeps asking questions about how he can maintain this lifestyle on the royalties she's apparently painfully up to speed about, and he pretends he's just very good at getting stuff done at a budget. The article is a big hit, his home improvement skills are suddenly in demand, and a major publisher offers him his first book deal in ages, for a book about budget interior design.

This comes as bad news to a big chain of furniture outlets whose sales are dropping due to the new DIY craze. They hire a team of corporate spies to stop Fred from finishing the book. But they're unclear about the mission, so the spies - who are actually former KGB sleepers now offering their skills on the free market - are out to kill Fred. With the help of the journalist who's really a CIA operative occasionally writing an article to maintain her cover identity (and who also feels responsible for the carnage her article has resulted in), he tries to outrun the spies or stay alive long enough to finish the book, the deadline of which is approaching fast.

onesecondglance said:

Home Alone 5

Macauley Culkin plays a homeless junkie who breaks into a house one Christmas to save himself from freezing to death. The owners return and he claims squatters rights. Hilarity - and cutting social commentary - ensues.

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Seems like Randall, of xkcd had a similar idea.

onesecondglance said:

Gingerbread Men

Stop-motion animated horror by Aardman. An army of zombies made of biscuits attacks, and the only way of stopping them is to dunk them in tea.

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I'd watch this!

onesecondglance said:

The Boy Who Grew Old

Starring Michael Cera. A boy discovers that he has the ability to stop time. He does it all the time for shits and giggles, for longer and longer as he grows up, until he spends entire days and weeks at a time "stopped". It turns out he continues to grow old whilst time is stopped and he's drifting out of sync with the real world: he is 20 when he has his 15th birthday party. etc. Goes some way to explaining why Cera has been playing awkward teenagers for what feels like decades.

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Get Charlie Kaufman to write it and that would actually be brilliant.

Warlords of Britain

Tom Cruise is Ulf the Ulfman seven foot tall King of the Doncaster Picts. England is being invaded by zombie Romans and only Tom and the mysterious Fxlyqer, Witch of Widnes, can push them back into the sea. Wielding Excalibur and piloting a Spitfire tank can Ulf drive the Roman armada back to Iceland?