- Joined
- May 3, 2006
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Yeah, it's just one person speaking usually in the context of drama like a script or screenplay.
Uncle Jim,
What's a monologue? I take it to mean that only one person is speaking. Without anybody commenting or continuing with the conversation. Am I on the right track?
An unskilful writer will sometimes construct a whole paragraph of sentences of this kind, using as connectives and, but, and less frequently, who, which, when, where, and while, these last in non-restrictive senses (see under Rule 3).:
The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening, and a large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist, and the Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank, while the latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee, and it is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10, when an equally attractive programme will be presented.
Apart from its triteness and emptiness, the paragraph above is bad because of the structure of its sentences, with their mechanical symmetry and sing-song. Contrast with them the sentences in the paragraphs quoted under Rule 10, or in any piece of good English prose, as the preface (Before the Curtain) to Vanity Fair. If the writer finds that he has written a series of sentences of the type described, he should recast enough of them to remove the monotony, replacing them by simple sentences, by sentences of two clauses joined by a semicolon, by periodic sentences of two clauses, by sentences, loose or periodic, of three clauses—whichever best represent the real relations of the thought.
Macbeth was very ambitious. This led him to wish to become king of Scotland. The witches told him that this wish of his would come true. The king of Scotland at this time was Duncan. Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth murdered Duncan. He was thus enabled to succeed Duncan as king. (55 words.)
Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth achieved his ambition and realized the prediction of the witches by murdering Duncan and becoming king of Scotland in his place. (26 words.)
Has anyone seen a rewrite of the "the third concert" paragraph or could give me an impression on what a good version of that writing would look like?
Bad version said:The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening, and a large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist, and the Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank, while the latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee, and it is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10, when an equally attractive programme will be presented.
Let me take a shot at it!
Mr. Edward Appleton and the Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series last evening. Mr. Appleton's operatic voice and the orchestra's musical talent made for one of the best performances of Wagner's Gotterdammerung this city has ever seen. This virtuoso performance will be a tough act to follow, but the Committee promises they can deliver a fourth concert of equal quality on Tuesday, May 10th.
I've whittled it down to one connective, cut out all the passive voice, and added more details while dropping the word count. I'm sure some of the more accomplished writers here could improve it further.
Uncle Jim: I just got my WIP1 back from a professional editor. He is happy about the writing, the characters, the humour, but he says the plot needs a lot of work.
He suggests I read *The Writer's Journey* by Chistopher Vogler (Pan). I've ordered the book from Amazon.
Do you have any other suggestions on how I can educate myself on plots, the inclusion of fear/tension and pacing, I suppose? I tried reading through this writing course, but after 200 posts, I thought "There must be an easier way."
The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening, and a large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist, and the Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank, while the latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee, and it is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10, when an equally attractive programme will be presented.
The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening. A large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist. The Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank. The latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee. It is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10. An equally attractive programme will be presented.
The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series last evening. A large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist. The Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former is an artist of the first rank. The latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The Committee has been very gratified by the interest the series aroused. The Committee plans to give a similar series annually hereafter. The Boston Symphony will give its fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10. An equally attractive programme will be presented.
The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series to a large audience last evening. The orchestra again proved that it deserves its high reputation. Mr. Edward Appleton, an artist of the first rank, was the soloist. The Committee has been very gratified by the interest the series aroused. They plan to give a similar series annually hereafter. The Boston Symphony will present an equally attractive programme in its fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10.
The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series to a large audience last evening. The orchestra again proved that it deserves its high reputation. Mr. Edward Appleton, an artist of the first rank, was the soloist.
The Committee has been very gratified by the interest the series is arousing. They plan to give a similar series each year from now on.
The Boston Symphony will present an equally attractive programme in its fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10.
Nice! I, of course, like my version better. Kidding!! Interesting to include Gotterdammerung. Ever heard Monster Magnet's "Baby Gotterdammerung"? Anyway, Kudos.
I actually wrote this line in my non-fiction biography. about 10 pages in, so as to let them see the 'talent--ha-ha before i got too cute. It's a snap-shot on their exodus from the Dust Bowl.
His relatives told him California was the place he ought to be, so he loaded up the Olds and moved the family. But they missed Beverly Hills by about 119 miles. I understand this comment and it has a sort of subtle humor to it bordering on sarcastic humor.
I also would love an opinion on this one other 'questionable phrase'. Big time event. Anticipation is building.
Thousand in the audience were experiencing multiple a.c.p.s.'s (ass-clenchings per second). This one though I just don't understand. You say ass-clenchings per second and I'm thinking the entire audience is flatulent.
Starbucks fanatics would appreciate the humor perhaps but...? I note that the tone of most similiar pieces is usually quite 'buttoned-down' i'm not inclined to follow that kind of dull style. whatya think folks? I pulled the ascp's 'cause they weree on the 2nd page and i wimped out. but i'm gonna use it somewhere in the ms. it was a proposal submitted with 30 sample pages.---blake comments?
I don't know him, but I assume that he would like that position. He'd probably call the paper and congratulate them on the article, and your boss would give you, as the reporter who wrote it, a raise. So you would go out and allow yourself a little celebration, and get one of those famous corned-beef sandwiches at that new place. But as you sit down, you would overhear a conversation that would make your reporter's ears stand up. You would pocket your sandwich and walk after the guy heading out to the red sedan. Something is strange about him. You cross the street......