Crap film ideas

Max Vaehling · Feb 13, 2013

The Vampire Tapes

In this found footage horror movie, a team of paranormal investigators travel to Transsylvania with their film equipment to explore the origin of the vampire myths and, if possible, to find a real vampire. Somewhere in the Transsylvanian backlands they find what they were looking for. Screaming, shaky camera moves and dying ensue. Of course, we never get to see the vampire because vampires can't be captured on film. Duh.

onesecondglance · Feb 14, 2013

Make sure there's a lingering night vision close up of a nose...

Spell-it-out · Feb 14, 2013

Movie 43. Damn that was stupid.

onesecondglance · Mar 6, 2013

Wow, nearly a month since my last effort... but we're back, baby!

Eleventh Hour: Heroes For Hire

Tagline: Superheroes are real - and they're unionised.

In a world where superheroes are real, Eleventh Hour Inc - the superpowered service solution - is the world's most valuable private company. £2bn a year to protect your whole country from natural disasters and supervillains ain't bad, and there are plenty willing to pay it.

But, on the same day that Eleventh Hour goes public, a computer snafu destroys their entire booking system. Without knowing who they're supposed to protect, the heroes down tools, and it's down to Eleventh Hour's burrito-loving tech support team to save the day!

(Note: to save money, there are no shots of superheroes, superpowers, supervillains, or natural disasters in the film. 99% of it is the tech support guys arguing over burritos and code.)

onesecondglance · Mar 6, 2013

Alien Mother Truckers

A group of pregnant aliens crashland on Earth and pose as stereotypical truckers with giant beer bellies while they try to gather parts to repair their spaceship, much to the bemusement of real truckers and pretty much everyone else.

onesecondglance · Mar 6, 2013

Solitaire: The Movie

Adaptation of the popular card game. An alcoholic detective three years out from retirement reluctantly takes on a case where playing cards have been left at a series of brutal murders. He solves the case while playing solitaire on his phone. A lot.

onesecondglance · Mar 6, 2013

Crikey Blimey, What A Palaver

Comedy horror. In the misty midst of an 18th Century London that never existed, a killer stalks the streets, slaughtering the unaware inhabitants and their stupendously awful mockney accents. Lawks, 'tis a roight larf!

onesecondglance · Mar 6, 2013

Chewing Gun

Comic farce. The world's largest maker of chewing gum develops a new kind of rubber bullet that leaves a minty fresh aroma in the air designed to defuse tense situations. To test it out, they engineer a variety of increasingly violent crimes, beginning with an armed robbery, and escalating up to a full-scale riot in San Francisco.

Ken Hoss · Mar 7, 2013

Don't know how I missed this thread, love it! Now I'm going to have to think up a stinker. :tongue

AZ_Dawn · Mar 7, 2013

Now, thanks to the magic of CGI, Blind Idiot Productions presents...

Abbot and Costello Meet the Goatsucker! :fistpump

Yes, the long dead comedians are back on the big screen in a brand new adventure. Abbot and Costello take a Mexican vacation and get chase around by a chupacabra. Hilarity ensues!

Abbot and Costello are voiced by...Abbot and Costello! Our sound engineer, Anita Cuetipp, combed through hundreds of old movies and radio shows, piecing together the right words to give you that authentic Abbot and Costello sound. Don't listen to that fool Ebert when he says, "It sounds like Helen Keller spliced the dialog together with the sound turned off." And don't believe the union when they say we used old movies because we're too cheap to hire voice actors.

Of course, we did have to throw some modern elements in to appeal to the younger generation. We're pretty sure, though, that everybody will enjoy the fart jokes and toilet humor. Plus Mexican jokes are always an audience favorite.

Hey, we even have the world famous Uwe Boll as the director! This movie's gonna be a hit!

CatharsisChild · Mar 7, 2013

Son of Sam Peckinpah

In the mid-1970s, notorious director Sam Peckinpah hit rock bottom, burying himself in drugs and alcohol. During this intoxicated frenzy, he impregnated a hooker. About forty years later, the protagonist (the titular character) is an unemployed bum who frequents a run-down video store. Discovering the truth of his paternity, he embarks on a bloody quest to avenge the director.

There will be slo-mo. There will be squibs. There will be rapid inter-cutting.

onesecondglance · Mar 7, 2013

Love it, guys!

DPRichard · Mar 8, 2013

Just my two cents here but pretty much every film nominated for an Oscar over the past 10 years could be listed here.

onesecondglance · Mar 8, 2013

DPRichard said:
Just my two cents here but pretty much every film nominated for an Oscar over the past 10 years could be listed here.

Yeah, but the fun is in coming up with new ones...

onesecondglance · Mar 13, 2013

The Thing That Should Not Meep

By day, Wile E Coyote hunts the Road Runner through the Mountains of Madness, but by night he flees: for it is a horror beyond imagining, a fell manifestation of Cthulu. When a product representative from Acme Corporation offers his services, the Coyote begins a journey to destroy the beast once and for all. But the entire world seems set against him...

onesecondglance · Mar 13, 2013

Herpes For Hire

Gordon, a factory worker, rebuffs the sexual advances of his girlfriend's mother by lying that he has herpes. When she doesn't believe him, he has to prove it, while making sure his girlfriend believes he's clean. Enter Big Gaz, who really does have herpes, and is willing to provide a blood sample for Gordon - but only if he lets Gaz sleep with his girlfriend...

(I only wrote this one because I glanced up thread and misread "Heroes For Hire"...)

Max Vaehling · Mar 13, 2013

Ooh, I thought this thread had faded away due to too good ideas, but here it is.

So, rejoining the game:

On this site in 1878

Ever seen those signs claiming something like "On this site in 1878, nothing happened"? This is the true story of the events that lead to one of them being put up.

If it's a success, there can be as many sequels as there are signs of that sort.

Ninja Master Lyra · Mar 14, 2013

a ninja movie that's spliced into boy in the plastic bubble and overdubbed to make 1 movie
(I didn't invent the idea of splicing ninjas into things, but I agree it makes any movie better)

onesecondglance · Mar 15, 2013

I have this great mental image of a ninja bouncing around in a plastic bubble now

onesecondglance · Mar 15, 2013

End Of The Line

A tech fan joins the mile-long queue for the latest must-have product from Banana Inc and uncovers a massive conspiracy. Why are they waiting? Are they hesitating? And why hasn't the line moved for three hours even though that guy up there clearly gave up and left and hey man no cutting in

The trailer has massive OTT percussion, strings rising chaotically, and ends with the words slamming into the screen one by one:

END (boom)
OF (boom)
THE (BOOM)
LINE (BOOOOOOOOM)

onesecondglance · Mar 15, 2013

Crustacean Story

Claude the crab meets the girl of his dreams, but she's a lobster. Will the star-crossed lovers overcome the boundaries of Linnaean taxonomy to be together before one of them becomes the catch of the day?

(this one is a crab film idea.)

Ashwood · Mar 15, 2013

...starring Matthew McConaughey

onesecondglance · Apr 12, 2013

Jurassic Park 2095

In the grim future of the last 21st Century, a crack team of part-human, part-robot, part-dinosaur commandos take on actual dinosaurs. Musings on what it means to be a robo-dino-mando and an examination of the nature of cybergenetic manipulation sit alongside sweet explosions and out of this world visual FX.

"T-Rex muthafucka! T-REX!" *boom*

(unashamedly inspired by the recent announcement trailer for Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon).

onesecondglance · Apr 12, 2013

The Pie

A gifted and overweight scientist (Sam Worthington in a fat suit) builds a teleportation device consisting of two large chambers in his basement. Drunk on his success in early testing using fruit pies, he becomes the first human test subject - but his molecular structure is merged with the pie crumbs left in the other chamber and he becomes a hideously tasty half-pie, half-man.

Lawsuits from the copyright holders for both versions of The Fly are laughed out of court despite The Pie supposedly being a serious film.

onesecondglance · Apr 12, 2013

Floaters

A kid invents a pair of anti-gravity boots in his garage and begins to market them as "floaters", but when an international terrorist ring confuses Floaters Inc with the mains sewerage provider for the Eastern Seaboard, he must use his invention to thwart the bad guys.

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