The "I'm sorry" thread

nobody calls me fartblossom and walks away unscathed


i'm sorry that i spanked your ferret but...

...he's a masochist anyway.

I'm sorry we didn't invite you to our wedding, but...

I couldn't reach the baseball bat.

I'm sorry I told the process server what time you get home, but ...

heeheehee, welllllll - you've got a restraining order coming too.

I'm sorry your new hair color has made your hair start to fall out, but

if you stop wearing those backless cocktail dresses no one will ever notice

i'm sorry that your jukes cousins couldn't make your family reunion but

...they never got along with your brother, the village idiot.

I'm sorry I sold all your sports trophies on eBay, but...

...the trophies are all fake anyway.

I'm sorry I shotgunned your painting of a moose thinking it was the real thing (I wasn't wearing my glasses), but...

thankfully you were standing in front of it and caught the blast.


I'm sorry I compared you to a flatulent baboon but...

you really need to stop eating beans all the time. *holding nose*

I'm sorry you fell off of that ladder but...

...when I sawed through one of its legs, I only meant for it to teeter a little.

I'm sorry the snow caused your roof to collapse, but...

at least you got your Frisbee back.

I'm sorry I volunteered you go winter camping with the Boy Scouts, but

you'll be alright as long as no one finds out about that restraining order.


I'm sorry your winning lottery ticket was eaten by my dog but...

you might try looking for it in all of the droppings he leaves on you lawn.

I'm sorry your new book isn't selling very well, but ...

...the love life of a groundhog wasn't a very promising subject, was it?

I'm sorry my mischievous nephew set fire to your house, but...

you did invite him to your house warming party, and he said he was cold.


I'm sorry I gave you the wrong directions to my home, but ...

...we just had the place fumigated, and the last thing we need is lice.

I'm sorry that when I gave you that trick theatrical dagger, I forgot to tell you how to push the button to make it harmless, but...

if you explain the whole story to the judge I'm sure he'll just laugh and give you no more than five years.

I'm sorry your spouse is so excited about you going away, but ...

now you won't have to worry about his ninety cats.
I'm sorry about your awful new roommate but

I feel even sorrier for her.


I'm sorry the dog ate your manuscript but..

...it will be significantly improved when it comes out the other end.

I'm sorry I gave those criminals the code to your home security system, but...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5! Really, did you think of that all by yourself?

I'm sorry your toilets are backed up, but ...

you really shouldn't put body parts down them.


I'm sorry a con man took your savings but...

you shouldn't trust a man named Verrin Mark Von Deese.

I'm sorry you have no sugar but...

...you pretend to be so sweet all the time you don't need any.

I'm sorry you never learned to use a computer, but...