Thank you for clarifying your position. That was necessary because given the widespread aversion to long sentences today, when someone says a sentence is too long, it is natural to assume they mean too long, per se.
So now I know you feel the sentences could have conveyed the same information with fewer words. I'm not sure, however, you understood that what I was doing with these sentences was describing the ritual that takes place between the entrance of a conductor into a concert hall and his ascent to the podium. This includes a detour to the violin section with the conductor greeting the concertmaster, or, in this case, the concertmistress, and a few bows before going to the podium. Normally, greeting the concertmistress would be a very cordial affair accompanied by smiles and handshakes. In my story, however, something was amiss and conveying this to the reader was absolutely crucial for preparing the way for what happens in the next paragraph, which, of course, you haven't seen. If you believe in show, don't tell, you may appreciate what I was doing
Given my intentions, I think the three sentences did their job fairly efficiently, for example, I wanted to say that the conductor was a famous one and I worked that in as he approached the podium. A lot of the things you may have thought were excess baggage were actually essential to the story. Of course, not knowing what the story is about, there is no way you could be aware of this. The bottom line is that this entire exercise is absurd: it is impossible to judge a story by its first three lines. I will never participate in anything so silly and futile again.
P.S.: I never stated that in the past I have received feedback stating that my sentences are too long, either relative to there function in a piece or in the absolute sense. Inventing or insinuating facts undermines one's credibility and should be avoided at all costs.
So now I know you feel the sentences could have conveyed the same information with fewer words. I'm not sure, however, you understood that what I was doing with these sentences was describing the ritual that takes place between the entrance of a conductor into a concert hall and his ascent to the podium. This includes a detour to the violin section with the conductor greeting the concertmaster, or, in this case, the concertmistress, and a few bows before going to the podium. Normally, greeting the concertmistress would be a very cordial affair accompanied by smiles and handshakes. In my story, however, something was amiss and conveying this to the reader was absolutely crucial for preparing the way for what happens in the next paragraph, which, of course, you haven't seen. If you believe in show, don't tell, you may appreciate what I was doing
Given my intentions, I think the three sentences did their job fairly efficiently, for example, I wanted to say that the conductor was a famous one and I worked that in as he approached the podium. A lot of the things you may have thought were excess baggage were actually essential to the story. Of course, not knowing what the story is about, there is no way you could be aware of this. The bottom line is that this entire exercise is absurd: it is impossible to judge a story by its first three lines. I will never participate in anything so silly and futile again.
P.S.: I never stated that in the past I have received feedback stating that my sentences are too long, either relative to there function in a piece or in the absolute sense. Inventing or insinuating facts undermines one's credibility and should be avoided at all costs.
Last edited:
: how do I words.
