I Think I'm Broken

katci13 · Oct 22, 2013

Last year I sent out my 4th query, but it was like, novel #12 or something high like that. I loved that story so much. And long story short - after working incredibly hard on it and on the query and everything involved - I sent the story out, and it was blanket forms all the way. I tweaked my letter several times, rewrote it completely a few times, and after several months and some 80 or 81 rejections, including a few publishers -- (some no replies, but all the replies I did get were forms) I set the story aside and tried to move on.

Now when I write (and I've finished two stories this year so it's not like I'm not trying), I don't feel anything. I'm just going through the motions. I write, I revise, I submit, sometimes I rewrite and submit again. But when I'm done with the stories now, I don't like them. I don't care what happens to them, and I can't put 100% into anything anymore because I don't see the point. It's so much work. And no one cares. And I'm still mad about number 4.

I have this idea that I love, and I'm so afraid I'm going to mess it up or that I can't write anymore, and I used to think I was pretty good. It's like, what's the point, no one is going to read this shit anyway.

I don't know...
It's been a year. What is wrong with me?

Birol · Oct 22, 2013

Regarding the comment that you

used to think [you were] pretty good

. Within the context it sounds like you no longer believe that you are good. That somehow you believe your writing has gotten worse.

If this is the case, then from my personal experience, you have most likely improved or are about to reach the next level of writing ability. See, as long as you're practicing your craft -- and per your post you are -- it's not possible to get worse. You can only improve.

The fact that you believe you're not doing as well is a sign that you are now able to recognize flaws in your writing that you could not before.

Keep working at your craft. Keep sending your work out. Writing something salable takes practice. Publishing takes perseverance.

robjvargas · Oct 22, 2013

There's nothing wrong with you.

I told someone a couple of weeks ago that a painter can draw the most beautiful impressionist painting ever, but if everyone is buying cubist, then it'll hang in a gallery, unbought.

Remember that lots of factors go into the success of a work. Some of them simply aren't under our control.

You know what? Maybe you need permission to set the pen down. I hereby give you permission. No, I forbid it! No writing for at least two months!

And yeah, I *do* see that NaNo project in your sig. Here's the thing, anything can be harmful for you given the right circumstances. Something you love suddenly turns caustic, eating away at you. It is truly time to step away. Not quit. Just pause.

Step outside for five days in a row. Just breathe. Especially if you're around Knoxville or Gatlinburg. I had the pleasure of driving through the Smokies one autumn. Over 20 years ago now, and I still smile at the memory. So look at the leaves turning colors. Just be for while.

Then, come back. And write. Don't edit. Don't think beyond. Just... write. Get back to the love of writing. Then, I think, you'll be ready to put fresh eyes on what you're doing.

Oh, and I was kidding about barring you from NaNo. I think forgetting the queries and the revisions and the editing, it can remind you of what got you writing in the first place.

whiporee · Oct 22, 2013

Just tell your stories. You have them in you, so tell them.

It's not always a matter of validation from the world. Sometimes you just need to tell your stories.

Maybe no one ever buys them. Maybe no one ever publishes you. In that case, you still told your stories. That's something. I always think about that they call the guy who graduated last in his class in medical school. Doctor.

As long as you've got something to say, say it. Don't worru about the rest.

katci13 · Oct 22, 2013

Birol said:
Regarding the comment that you . Within the context it sounds like you no longer believe that you are good. That somehow you believe your writing has gotten worse.

If this is the case, then from my personal experience, you have most likely improved or are about to reach the next level of writing ability. See, as long as you're practicing your craft -- and per your post you are -- it's not possible to get worse. You can only improve.

The fact that you believe you're not doing as well is a sign that you are now able to recognize flaws in your writing that you could not before.

Keep working at your craft. Keep sending your work out. Writing something salable takes practice. Publishing takes perseverance.

Thanks for this.

This is something I've never thought of before.

robjvargas said:
There's nothing wrong with you.

I told someone a couple of weeks ago that a painter can draw the most beautiful impressionist painting ever, but if everyone is buying cubist, then it'll hang in a gallery, unbought.

Remember that lots of factors go into the success of a work. Some of them simply aren't under our control.

You know what? Maybe you need permission to set the pen down. I hereby give you permission. No, I forbid it! No writing for at least two months!

And yeah, I *do* see that NaNo project in your sig. Here's the thing, anything can be harmful for you given the right circumstances. Something you love suddenly turns caustic, eating away at you. It is truly time to step away. Not quit. Just pause.

Step outside for five days in a row. Just breathe. Especially if you're around Knoxville or Gatlinburg. I had the pleasure of driving through the Smokies one autumn. Over 20 years ago now, and I still smile at the memory. So look at the leaves turning colors. Just be for while.

Then, come back. And write. Don't edit. Don't think beyond. Just... write. Get back to the love of writing. Then, I think, you'll be ready to put fresh eyes on what you're doing.

Oh, and I was kidding about barring you from NaNo. I think forgetting the queries and the revisions and the editing, it can remind you of what got you writing in the first place.

Thank you so much! I seriously almost screamed when you said no writing for 2 months. Lol! I can definitely do no writing for the rest of the month though. Stick my nose in a book. And I will do everything I can to forget about everything else during NaNo. I live about half an hour away from all the mountains, not far at all.

katci13 · Oct 22, 2013

whiporee said:
Just tell your stories. You have them in you, so tell them.

It's not always a matter of validation from the world. Sometimes you just need to tell your stories.

Maybe no one ever buys them. Maybe no one ever publishes you. In that case, you still told your stories. That's something. I always think about that they call the guy who graduated last in his class in medical school. Doctor.

As long as you've got something to say, say it. Don't worru about the rest.

Thank you.

I've heard that saying before, I think. It's been a really long time. I'm going to make a sign and stick it over my desk.

virtue_summer · Oct 22, 2013

katci13 said:
I have this idea that I love, and I'm so afraid I'm going to mess it up or that I can't write anymore, and I used to think I was pretty good. It's like, what's the point, no one is going to read this shit anyway.

I don't know...
It's been a year. What is wrong with me?

I just want to tell you you're not alone. I know this feeling. I've had this feeling a lot in the last year. It made me burn a half complete manuscript and since then has me fumbling around with ideas, getting started, and then backing off because of that same feeling of what's the point if I can't do it right and there are no readers at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, I don't have a quick solution handy. I do think if you've put that much time and effort into writing, though, there must be something there which really is important to you that goes beyond whether or not an agent or editor accepts or rejects your queries. I'd try to hold on to that.

katci13 · Oct 22, 2013

virtue_summer said:
I just want to tell you you're not alone. I know this feeling. I've had this feeling a lot in the last year. It made me burn a half complete manuscript and since then has me fumbling around with ideas, getting started, and then backing off because of that same feeling of what's the point if I can't do it right and there are no readers at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, I don't have a quick solution handy. I do think if you've put that much time and effort into writing, though, there must be something there which really is important to you that goes beyond whether or not an agent or editor accepts or rejects your queries. I'd try to hold on to that.

It does help to know I'm not alone. I feel less crazy.

WendyN · Oct 23, 2013

You're not crazy

It sounds what you're really looking for is validation. Just throwing another option out there for you -- have you considered working on short stories (even flash fiction, maybe?) for awhile? I've found it a great way to work on my craft, get good feedback, improve my skill, and, yeah, even get a couple publications under my belt (which does feel great) without all of the time and energy and labor and blood that goes into a full-length novel. I find it much easier to scrap (or shelve) a short story that just doesn't work than a novel that I've grown so attached to over the months that it takes to write and revise it.

Jamesaritchie · Oct 23, 2013

Remember that a query letter rejection is not the same as having your novel rejected. One has nothing to do with the other. If the novel itself has been rejected over and over and over with form rejections, you have a problem, but if it's your query letter that keeps getting rejected, it just means you have a lousy query letter.

No matter how wonderful your novel is, a bad query letter means no one will read it.

And maybe you did write a lousy novel. Slush piles are filled with lousy novels. Maybe one in a hundred, tops, is publishable somewhere. Maybe one in five hundred will make it to a big publisher. Maybe one in a thousand will earn the writer decent money. Maybe in in two or three or five thousand will be a top seller.

If writing a good novel were easy, every writer would be published.

Sometimes you just have to decide whether you enjoy writing enough to keep going, even when it's obvious no one likes what you're currently writing.

jimmymc · Oct 23, 2013

Why bother. All the time you spend sending queries and waiting for rejections you could easily self-publish. If your writing is decent they will eventually come to you.

In my view, piss on them. I'm the one doing the creating and I'm the artist and they are just a middleman, sucking off your hardwork.

katci13 · Oct 23, 2013

WendyN said:
You're not crazy

It sounds what you're really looking for is validation. Just throwing another option out there for you -- have you considered working on short stories (even flash fiction, maybe?) for awhile? I've found it a great way to work on my craft, get good feedback, improve my skill, and, yeah, even get a couple publications under my belt (which does feel great) without all of the time and energy and labor and blood that goes into a full-length novel. I find it much easier to scrap (or shelve) a short story that just doesn't work than a novel that I've grown so attached to over the months that it takes to write and revise it.

I've thought about it. It's not something I'm great at or enjoy doing. I haven't written a short story since college, but it crosses my mind from time to time.

robjvargas · Oct 23, 2013

jimmymc said:
Why bother. All the time you spend sending queries and waiting for rejections you could easily self-publish. If your writing is decent they will eventually come to you.

In my view, piss on them. I'm the one doing the creating and I'm the artist and they are just a middleman, sucking off your hardwork.

Absolutely not.

Writing is an art.

Publishing is a business.

If you can't separate the two, you're setting yourself up for failure.

Self-publishing is a perfectly valid way to go. I always admire the underdog who didn't simply accept that something couldn't be done.

But it's far different to denigrate and deride an entire profession (several, in fact), and to use that as the basis for going it alone. Agents and trade publishers do far more work than you seem to realize.

A writer's moment of weakness isn't the place for that. Either for *or* against. If katci13 is determined to make it via the traditional route, more power to her. My primary WIP, I've made that same decision. Maybe I'll try the self-pub route on my NaNo project. Maybe not.

But my decision will be based on what I think is best for the work. Not because I feel angry that agents or publishers wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. So should katci13's.

katci13 · Oct 23, 2013

jimmymc said:
Why bother. All the time you spend sending queries and waiting for rejections you could easily self-publish. If your writing is decent they will eventually come to you.

I've thought about that, too. Mostly for the vampire novel I have. I try to keep my options open. I don't know much about it, but I looked into it a little bit earlier this year, mostly by accident, reading blogs and such. It seems time consuming, but maybe it's not.

Putputt · Oct 23, 2013

robjvargas said:
But my decision will be based on what I think is best for the work. Not because I feel angry that agents or publishers wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. So should katci13's.

Yup.

And if anyone truly thinks agents are "middlemen sucking off your hardwork", they should check out what agents actually do for the writer.

As for the OP, I agree with those who say you should consider a break. It sounds like you've been working really hard. Give yourself a pat on the back and let yourself take a break...at least to the end of the month. I hope you feel better about writing soon!

katci13 · Oct 23, 2013

Putputt said:
Yup.

And if anyone truly thinks agents are "middlemen sucking off your hardwork", they should check out what agents actually do for the writer.

As for the OP, I agree with those who say you should consider a break. It sounds like you've been working really hard. Give yourself a pat on the back and let yourself take a break...at least to the end of the month. I hope you feel better about writing soon!

Thanks.

I do need a break, even a short one. I'm trying really hard not to touch anything until November. I still haven't watched the last season of Game of Thrones. I could do that...

Phaeal · Oct 23, 2013

Time to pull out the Bhagavad Gita again:

You have the right to work only, but not for the results of work. Do not let your motivation for action be influenced by reward, and do not become attached to inaction.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't get paid for your work, should you offer it for sale and should someone accept it. It does mean that no one has to accept it. You can't -- and shouldn't -- control other people's reactions to the offering. You can only control what you make to offer, and if it doesn't sell, you have still made it.

katci13 · Oct 23, 2013

Phaeal said:
Time to pull out the Bhagavad Gita again:

This doesn't mean you shouldn't get paid for your work, should you offer it for sale and should someone accept it. It does mean that no one has to accept it. You can't -- and shouldn't -- control other people's reactions to the offering. You can only control what you make to offer, and if it doesn't sell, you have still made it.

Bhagavad Gita

Kind of, work is it's own reward?

ChocolateChipCookie · Oct 23, 2013

katci13, I just took two weeks off. Mostly because discouragement from the dozens and dozens of form rejections sapped my desire to write, I did other things. I decorated the house for Halloween. I threw a small party. When it came time to go to my writer's meeting, I didn't want to go.

But am I ever glad I did. As others critiqued and reviewed their work, I felt happy just being around creative people who love to do what I do.

So I sat quietly and made a few notes to myself:

Cowboy up and stop being a whiny baby.
If you're going to be a writer then stop feeling sorry for yourself and WRITE.
Put your butt in the chair and start typing.

Now, these notes aren't for you, please understand me. I'm not about to start judging another writer. However, they renewed my determination to find a good agent and start selling books. This week I've written a new chapter and am back in the saddle.

Nobody can make fail until I quit, and my mama didn't raise a quitter.

I bet your mama didn't either.

katci13 · Oct 23, 2013

ChocolateChipCookie said:
katci13, I just took two weeks off. Mostly because discouragement from the dozens and dozens of form rejections sapped my desire to write, I did other things. I decorated the house for Halloween. I threw a small party. When it came time to go to my writer's meeting, I didn't want to go.

But am I ever glad I did. As others critiqued and reviewed their work, I felt happy just being around creative people who love to do what I do.

So I sat quietly and made a few notes to myself:

Cowboy up and stop being a whiny baby.
If you're going to be a writer then stop feeling sorry for yourself and WRITE.
Put your butt in the chair and start typing.

Now, these notes aren't for you, please understand me. I'm not about to start judging another writer. However, they renewed my determination to find a good agent and start selling books. This week I've written a new chapter and am back in the saddle.

Nobody can make fail until I quit, and my mama didn't raise a quitter.

I bet your mama didn't either.

^_^ I making some notes like that, some pretty similar sounding notes. I hope I feel refreshed after this break I'm forcing on myself. I'm glad it helped you. And you're right, being around other writers is really helpful, too.

Undercover · Oct 23, 2013

I'm relentless and yet I give up every day. haha

I've had huge ups and downs with my writing. First novel I wrote and revised in a month, sent it out to several places, all of them turned it down. A year later one of the editors encouraged me to revise. I did and sent it out a second time and got it accepted by a small pub. I was screaming with happiness...and pumped out a second novel and gave it to them. WELL...I got published. I did it. BUT...But that was about it. The pay on my first two novels...sad...just the saddest of sads. It broke my heart and I wasn't expecting that. I had high hopes. I was stupid basically. Anyway, relentless old me, pumped out another one. This time changing voices to YA. Sent it to some agents and caught with the first one and everything. Well after 6 months my first agent didn't work out, but referred me to a publisher that later on became my publisher...kept writing, had another to submit, got a second agent that just sucked the biggest balls. Trapped me for 5 months, I was suffocating...she did nothing, so I fired her and moved on, submitting the shit out of that novel for another 9 months or so. Just when I thought I couldn't submit it to anymore places, I had interest in the Pencil. The editor and I went back and forth for months of revision requests before and after acceptance (she's still thinking of tweaking that one) I have a 5th it's been on sub for 18 months, and I've had hundreds and I mean (500+ (between agents and pubs) because I am so relentless with ocd submissionous) Just when I thought I couldn't submit any more I get a few full requests (still pending) and I'm writing to challenge myself more and more.

I give up every day...don't write for months, but then I research my brains out publisher after publisher...which one can I submit to next. But I stay in the game. And I don't just submit to any old place...actually I'm pretty picky since I kinda got burned with my first two. Anyway, as long as you stay in the game and keep writing and keep your submissions active, you'll get bites. I know it's difficult, believe me I KNOW totally.

So I agree, take a mini break...have a kit kat, but if you continue having that craving and it ain't just chocolate, then feed that craving of writing and write! Getting a beta (or a few of them) also works wonders too.

Stay in the game, that's all you need to do and things will work out eventually, the trick is to STAY in the game! You're already winning if you keep playing.

katci13 · Oct 23, 2013

Undercover said:
I've had hundreds and I mean (500+ (between agents and pubs) because I am so relentless with ocd submissionous) Just when I thought I couldn't submit any more I get a few full requests (still pending) and I'm writing to challenge myself more and more.

I give up every day...don't write for months, but then I research my brains out publisher after publisher...which one can I submit to next. But I stay in the game. And I don't just submit to any old place...actually I'm pretty picky since I kinda got burned with my first two. Anyway, as long as you stay in the game and keep writing and keep your submissions active, you'll get bites. I know it's difficult, believe me I KNOW totally.

So I agree, take a mini break...have a kit kat, but if you continue having that craving and it ain't just chocolate, then feed that craving of writing and write! Getting a beta (or a few of them) also works wonders too.

Stay in the game, that's all you need to do and things will work out eventually, the trick is to STAY in the game! You're already winning if you keep playing.

Whoa! 500+!! Wow. I'm around 250 for everything, I think...
"Stay in the game" - I'm adding that my list.

Little Anonymous Me · Oct 23, 2013

katci13 said:
I have this idea that I love, and I'm so afraid I'm going to mess it up or that I can't write anymore, and I used to think I was pretty good. It's like, what's the point, no one is going to read this shit anyway.

I'm there right now. Two complete manuscripts, one half done, and another one half plotted. I had to walk away from all of them. Writing, at the moment, makes me borderline hysterical. All I see are flaws. All I can do is compare myself to writers I love. Part of it is life stress leaking over and sucking the joy out of whatever it can find.

And then I came up with a (very bizarre) guerrilla warfare strategy:

I will write as badly as I possibly can on purpose. I will use every deus ex machina known to man. My plot will have holes. I will have dialogue that makes soap opera writers weep. And somehow, having a piece (the one in my sig, btw) where I'm deliberately thumbing my nose at every little rule I normally preach is...freeing. Makes me feel like a kid sneaking candy. It takes the fear away from sucking because dammit, I want it to suck. I want a parody of good writing.

And for the first time in a long time, writing feels fun again. It's not a chore. It's something I want to do.

Good luck. I hope it gets better soon. :Hug2:

katci13 · Oct 23, 2013

Little Anonymous Me said:
And then I came up with a (very bizarre) guerrilla warfare strategy:

I will write as badly as I possibly can on purpose. I will use every deus ex machina known to man. My plot will have holes. I will have dialogue that makes soap opera writers weep. And somehow, having a piece (the one in my sig, btw) where I'm deliberately thumbing my nose at every little rule I normally preach is...freeing. Makes me feel like a kid sneaking candy. It takes the fear away from sucking because dammit, I want it to suck. I want a parody of good writing.

And for the first time in a long time, writing feels fun again. It's not a chore. It's something I want to do.

Good luck. I hope it gets better soon.

Thank you.

That's really interesting. And it's funny because I was thinking just last week that I want to go into my NaNo project free and just not care if it sucks or not...though I don't actually want it to suck, I do want to not care, if that makes any sense. Lol! I'm always for throwing the rule book out the window!

I love that quote in your signature. ^_^

triceretops · Oct 23, 2013

It took me 440 submissions to get my last agent. I actually got four agent offers when the dust settled after four months of solid emails. Three of those agents were relatively new, inexperienced and I seriously doubted they had any solid connections in the industry. The last agent was an A-lister with several best-selling NYC authors. I explained my situation to her. After reading my entire inventory of four completed and polished manuscripts she signed a contract with me, repping the all of them.

That agent was # 440, the last on my list. God knows what would have happened to me if I'd made one less submission.

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