Help me unmix this metaphor

Prawn said:

Here's what I am going for: Stocky, imposing guy. People get out of his way.

I've got two sentences, many pages apart, where I have tried (and perhaps failed) to make this point. Are these okay? If not, can you help? Here's what I've got:

[FONT=&quot]Inspector Akiva’s imposing figure parted the crowd around the crime scene like a wind through summer wheat. [/FONT]

and another

[FONT=&quot]Akiva did not notice how his passage through the crowded market was almost effortless, like a lion walking to the watering hole. [/FONT]

Thanks!

Click to expand...

Hey Prawn,

I don't know how much help this is but it is my opinion.

Senetence #1: cut "imposing figure" better to let that be his description in another character's eyes. Or change it to "An imposing figure parted the crowd around the crime scene like a wind through summer wheat. It was Inspector Akiva."

and sentence #2 sounds good to me.

Alana

oh btw Nice name, Akiva.

How about this.

The crowd parted around Akiva much in the same way they got out of the way for Fezzik and Inigo when Fezzik yelled, "Everybody MOVE!!!!"

Yeah, that's way better.

Prawn said:

Here's what I am going for: Stocky, imposing guy. People get out of his way.

I've got two sentences, many pages apart, where I have tried (and perhaps failed) to make this point. Are these okay? If not, can you help? Here's what I've got:

[FONT=&quot]Inspector Akiva’s imposing figure parted the crowd around the crime scene like a wind through summer wheat. [/FONT]

and another

[FONT=&quot]Akiva did not notice how his passage through the crowded market was almost effortless, like a lion walking to the watering hole. [/FONT]

Thanks!

Click to expand...

First of all, "stocky" implies short. Is that what you meant?

The lion image works for me, but the wind does not.The longer I think about the wind, the more I think that visually it doesn't quite work because wind is not arrow narrow and also the image is too poetic, too gentle in what it evokes. My first thought was "Bowling ball" but that doesn't work because pins can't move on their own. Maybe a bus bearing down on them? infantry before a mounted knight? Ducks before a speeding boat? What you want is a powerful but narrow force, preferably one seemingly unconscious of itself.

Those are similes, Prawn, not metaphors.

The wheat one sounds good, but I'd add strong before wind.

There are many many metaphors you could use.

But you got a couple factors to consider....

Is your description in somebody's mind?
If so, your metaphor is in that person's 'voice'.

Here's a snippet.

One corner of the market was full of foodsellers and that was his goal. She watched him stride through the crowd. He expected every man to step out of his way. And they did. His clothing might say ablebodied seaman, but his confidence spoke of command. He was First Mate, she thought, or Captain.

Not a metaphor here. This description of the man's size is literal and expressed in terms of the actual behavior of the crowd.
The POV character, Jess, is down-to-earth and a keen observer of people. She analyzes the behavior of the crowd and uses that to describe the man.


Here's a description of a man's size and strength in the POV of another character, Claire.
Claire is imaginative. Her 'voice' is more poetic. Her impressions fall naturally into terms of metaphor in a way Jess' thoughts never do.


In the center of the yard, a single man stood at bay.

A dozen farmers surrounded him, like a pack of yipping terriers at a bear-baiting. The stranger hunched, elbows bent and fists ready, as they came at him. He looked like a bear himself – shaggy and dark and very dangerous.

Claire thought – at least it isn't Tom. Then she thought – I've got to get him out of here before they kill him.


What we have is a metaphor from Claire that not only describes the appearance, but the spirit of the man. The metaphor she uses is a country metaphor, describing something that would come readily to mind.
The metaphor fits the context of the story. It's time and place appropriate.


Your metaphoric description does not just fit that big strong man you want to tell us about.
It fits the time and place.
It fits the point you are making with this section of the story.
If you are not writing Omniscient Narrator, it fits the POV character as well.


You will notice that, in both my cases, the description is given,
not in terms of,
'let's stop and tell the reader how this man looks',
but in terms of
'here is something happening and oh by the way this is how the man looks'.
.
.

>>>Akiva did not notice how his passage through the crowded market was almost effortless, like a lion walking to the watering hole. <<<<

You know you got an Omniscient Narrator here ...
Who is the POV character in the scene, if any?

Maprilynne said:

How about this.

The crowd parted around Akiva...

Click to expand...

I like this. It's a perspective thing. Instead of the original perspective of Akiva parting the crowd, this approach has the crowd parting for Akiva.

Also, if Akiva is unaware of this impact he has, but he's the POV character, have him with someone who doesn't have the same impact on the crowd. Show his ability in contrast.

Akiva slipped through the crowd and arrived at the body, but Fezzik was no where to be seen. They had started out together but Akiva looked behind him and saw Fezzik pushing proffered chickens and goat parts out of his way. Going under for the third time, Fezzik finally broke free of the crowd spitting feathers and checking for his wallet.

>>>Akiva is the POV character in both scenes.<<<<

Neither
Inspector Akiva’s imposing figure parted the crowd around the crime scene like a wind through summer wheat.

Nor

Akiva did not notice how his passage through the crowded market was almost effortless, like a lion walking to the watering hole.

is in Akiva's POV.

In both cases, someone else is describing Akiva. Someone outside Akiva.
It is either someone looking at him or it is an Omniscient Narrator.


George was a giant of a man who could chop down hapless evergreens with a single blow. Everyone admired him for it.

is not in George's POV.
Somebody outside of George is describing him.


He spit on his hands to get better traction and aimed at the hapless evergreen. A single swipe. There. Down it went. Satisfaction was a warm glow in his guts as he turned to accept the plaudits of the crowd.

is in George's POV.
We discover these traits as he experieinces them.

job said:

>>>Akiva did not notice how his passage through the crowded market was almost effortless, like a lion walking to the watering hole. <<<<

You know you got an Omniscient Narrator here ...
Who is the POV character in the scene, if any?

Click to expand...

What job said. If Akiva is your viewpoint character, you can't tell us anything he fails to notice.

If anyone else is your viewpoint character, they can't know what Akiva did or didn't notice.

So, as job said, this is an omniscient narrator observing. Is that what you intend? If so, it's fine. (And the simile works for me. I agree that the wind/wheat one is maybe too gentle.)

Edit: I missed that Akiva is the viewpoint character. It's true that he might not observe himself as he apparently does in the first example, though I think one can often get away with this at the beginning of a scene or chapter, before the POV moves in close.

Why don't you just put the two sentences together and cover both problemata with one foul swoop.

Don't quote me though...I'm crap at prose! As a matter of fact I'm crap at everything, but at least I'll give it a go!

Oblivious to the market hyenas/vultures, inspector Akiva’s presence/manner soon parted the crime scene like a 'blood thirsty'/rogue lion/feline.

hope it helps

J

Describe (either omniscient or your POV character) what it looks like to see a crowd of rubberneckers, tight-packed, inexplicably parted by a sort of ripple travelling toward the scene -- "like a bear through a wheatfield" pops into my head. (The "wind" thing doesn't work, as it tends instead to provoke ripples & swaying.)

'...like minnows before a pike'?

like a catcher in the rye...you could use that for the title too...if you credit me

Prawn, the wind image doesn't work for me because wheat does not part when wind goes through it, it flattens down. Wind is a sheet of moving air, not an arrow. I lived across the street from a wheat field for a number of years (precisely where urban met rural) in one of the windiest areas in the world, so I had plenty of opportunity to observe it.

Maybe...

you could use strong verbs instead. He ploughed, he scattered, he divided, he parted, he separated the crowd. Or belabour the magnetic similes, you know, repelled by etc.

Better without a simile, I reckon. Personally, I would go with something more straightforward and grim, considering he is at a crime scene.

At X feet and Y pounds, Inspector Akiva cut an imposing figure; a fact the crowd didn't fail to notice as they parted respectfully to make way for the towering man.

Maprilynne said:

How about this.

The crowd parted around Akiva much in the same way they got out of the way for Fezzik and Inigo when Fezzik yelled, "Everybody MOVE!!!!"

Yeah, that's way better.

Click to expand...

I'll agree to this one.