Is there really "someone for everyone" or is that a bunch of BS?

Arztwolf · Jan 28, 2015

I'm not counting on "Twue wuv" so much as someone to live my life with, so I won't be alone till the day I'm worm food.

My dating "pool" is so small a scanning electron microscope couldn't find it. I will be 25 in April and have never had a relationship with anyone, ever. Not even "Puppy Love" teenage stuff. There is just too much wrong/different or however else you want to phrase it. Oh, where to start:

1. I have extensive brain damage due to medical malpractice (Dr. Ego crushed my skull with forceps in a bid to impress his collegues by saving a baby in distress WITHOUT doing a c-section. My mom was torn up badly and I almost died) and going into Status Epiplepticus at age 4 for almost 20 minutes.

2. Said brain damage has caused me to have a severe math related LD, I will always be between a 3rd and 4rth grade level in math. I cannot balance a check book and need a calculator for the most basic things. College, for now, is out of the question.

3. Number 1 also caused me to have visual spatial and depth percentage deficiets. I walk into things, I trip over lines in the carpet and I can't drive.

4. I also have a condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Type 3, a genetic condition that effects collagen, the glue that is NOT keeping me together. You know those people on Ripley's Believe it or not! who can fit into small boxes? That's this, but they don't show those people in the agony most of us experience. Because of the EDS I have: Dysautonomia (Autonomic Nervous System does not work properly), Gastroparesis (the muscles that control digestion don't work properly so I have to eat like a mouse), POTS Syndrome (my blood pressure can't keep up with othrostatic changes, ie: sitting, standing) and constant joint and ligament issues. It usually runs in families, but I'm the only one in mine. Geneticist pinned it down to my parents being in Germany in 1986 and marinating under the cloud from Chernobyl. When a mutated egg and a mutated sperm meet, instant genetic mess.
3. I'm also transgender (no surgery). I am 6ft tall, with broad shoulders and no hips, yet I'm female. I also have a deep voice and androgynous facial features. I have dressed and acted male since I was a toddler, I looked like a boy until I got boobs. Yet I'm attracted to guys. Plus, due to the EDS, I have the arms and legs of a spider monkey.

To add to the above I live in Texas, a state will known for tolerance.

I'm pale (I could live on the sun and still look like this, yeah Slovakian and Irish ancestors), have thin, spindly arms and legs, huge hands with long, thin fingers (actually medical condition: Arachtodachtoly "Spider fingers") with protruding veins, broad shouldered, straight female who dresses and acts like a man in a very conservative state. Not even getting into the LD or clumsiness.

My chances are 1 in .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001

Arztwolf · Jan 28, 2015

T Robinson said:
Well there have been several responses. Are you going to speak before I have to retire for the evening?

The abyss is looming, you know.

I had to finish writing my War and Peace length response. :tongue

mccardey · Jan 28, 2015

Arztwolf said:
To add to the above I live in Texas, a state will known for tolerance.

You live in THE WORLD! Don't sell yourself short. You're bright, communicative, funny and interested in people. These are all major, major pluses.

Gringa · Jan 28, 2015

Arztwolf

Love how you write.

benbradley · Jan 28, 2015

The idea that every person has "one specific other person" who is their "soul mate" appears to me to be metaphysical, and (therefore) a bunch of hooey. I can see where the idea can form and reinforce itself in the emotions of a romantic relationship, that "he/she/it is THE ONE" but all it took was for me to have That Feeling for a person other than the person I earlier had it for, and it was clear that at least one of these was "not The One."

But (responding to the rest of the thread), that's different from having a relationship.

kuwisdelu · Jan 28, 2015

Everybody finds love in the end.

I'll believe hard enough for the both of us.

ajaye · Jan 28, 2015

Gringa said:
Arztwolf

Love how you write.

me too

kuwisdelu · Jan 28, 2015

Arztwolf said:
My chances are 1 in .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001

Oh, and btw, in probability, the smaller number comes first.

DancingMaenid · Jan 28, 2015

I don't believe that there's one perfect soul mate out there that you just need to find. I think relationships are a matter of finding someone whom you love and whom you're also compatible with.

I think most people can have the ability to find people whom they'd hit it off with, but how easy it is depends on a number of factors, and some people have bigger dating pools than others.

Hapax Legomenon · Jan 28, 2015

kuwisdelu said:
Oh, and btw, in probability, the smaller number comes first.

This is true. If your numbers are accurate your chances look very good from here

Also, Artzwolf, do not take that someone loves the way you write lightly. I have fallen in love (or had at least developed very strong crushes) solely through text exchanges before. Despite what you think you don't have, you do have stuff to offer.

Though honestly I am not sure what to think on the matter of "someone out there for everyone". Your problems are much greater than mine and yet I'm still convinced I have no chance either since I moved to a new area and have closeted myself after feeling like I finally figured something out about my sexuality :/

Kevin Nelson · Jan 28, 2015

mccardey said:
The bisexuals would probably do it fairly tough, too....

There are plenty of monogamous bisexuals out there. Just because you're attracted to both men and women doesn't mean you HAVE to have sex with both of them. (A heterosexual man can be attracted to both blondes and brunettes, but that doesn't mean he he has to have sex with both.)

jaus tail · Jan 28, 2015

assuming that finding love would be tough if you think you are not perfect, implies that those who think they are perfect find love easily.

that's not always true. heart breaks and betrayal dont care how you perceive yourself. they still hurt bad

i also often think that i wont find love easily.

warning...may sound harsh...

love, like friendship n money is out there. one needs to put effort to earn money. it'd be nice to have an uncle like scrooch but earning money has its own pleasure. you'll find love. regarding the challenges you mention, let the person decide his opinion.

regarding bisexuals having more chances...its not true.

bisexual may want to date both men n women but the men n women must also agree to date the person

mccardey · Jan 28, 2015

Kevin Nelson said:
There are plenty of monogamous bisexuals out there. Just because you're attracted to both men and women doesn't mean you HAVE to have sex with both of them.

Well, sure but (asking out of ignorance here) does it not mean that one would feel more fulfilled if one had a relationship with each gender? If monogamy wasn't an issue, wouldn't it be more authentic for someone who was bisexual to have both?

And really - apologies in advance if that's a stonkingly offensive question. I'm not saying bisexuals are randier and wanting it "both ways". I'm just interested in ideas of personal authenticity trumping more recent ideas of what's socially appropriate.

ETA: Please do slap me down if my assumptions are offensive. Anyone. I'll be fine.

DancingMaenid · Jan 28, 2015

To be honest, as someone who's both bisexual and not entirely sold on monogamy, I do feel intimidated sometimes by the idea of settling down with one person and not having the opportunity to be with people of other genders. I feel like that's not something that's politically correct to admit to because there's such a pervasive stereotype about bisexual people being unable to be monogamous. And I don't think being bisexual makes me non-monogamous (I wouldn't even say I'm non-monogamous--I'm just open to it). But it is hard for me to imagine settling down with a man and never being able to be with a woman (it's easier for me to imagine the reverse). Ultimately, it's the person that matters. But since I'm not attracted to all gender/sexes in the exact same way, it's not like I could just swap a man for a woman and have it be no different.

But I also loathe the idea that being bisexual gives you larger dating pool. I think it really, really depends on the person. For me, because I'm a non-binary trans person and because I mainly socialize within the queer community, it's hard for me to imagine settling down with someone who's not tied to the queer community at all. I really need to be with someone who understands and respects my identity. And then there's the issue of biphobia in the queer community, which I imagine alienates some bisexual people (perhaps especially those who do have straight relationships).

Arztwolf · Jan 28, 2015

I go out into the community whenever I can (I volunteer at a humane society they days they are open), but one major hurdle in my area is the people. Lot of people I meet, once they learn why I can't do certain things (drive, operate a cash register, go to college yet), will intentionally avoid me. I have witnessed this with other disabled people in the community: people in wheelchairs get ignored, people with Down's Syndrome are stared at with disgust and God forbid a person with Autism stims a little (the way one person acted, you would of thought the child had leprosy). We had an Orthodox Jewish man and his family followed around a grocery store by a bunch of people yelling antisemitic insults. We've also had people tell us how they want to beat the crap out of men with long hair (because that is a sure sign of orientation :Shrug:

) or telling employees of a store they don't want the "queer" around their children. The guy in question was a hetero male in pink shirt.
I am friends with several people, both at the store I used to work at and at the fire station where I took a class. But it's rare that I find someone that will go beyond small talk (male or female) and I haven't done anything with anyone my age in almost 4 years.

mccardey · Jan 28, 2015

Maenid, I'm getting from that that yes I'm sort of correct but also I've blundered into an entire issue of "larger dating pool" statements that I hadn't given thought to.

Apologies for not having been more aware, bi-people. And thanks DM and KN for making it clear in a nice, gentle way.

And - sorry for the derail!

kuwisdelu · Jan 28, 2015

mccardey said:
Well, sure but (asking out of ignorance here) does it not mean that one would feel more fulfilled if one had a relationship with each gender? If monogamy wasn't an issue, wouldn't it be more authentic for someone who was bisexual to have both?

No. Polysexuality is not the same thing as polyamory.

Though obviously, one could be both.

I'm not sure I could do polyamory, but I'm open to open relationships.

kuwisdelu · Jan 28, 2015

Arztwolf said:
I go out into the community whenever I can (I volunteer at a humane society they days they are open), but one major hurdle in my area is the people. Lot of people I meet, once they learn why I can't do certain things (drive, operate a cash register, go to college yet), will intentionally avoid me. I have witnessed this with other disabled people in the community: people in wheelchairs get ignored, people with Down's Syndrome are stared at with disgust and God forbid a person with Autism stims a little (the way one person acted, you would of thought the child had leprosy). We had an Orthodox Jewish man and his family followed around a grocery store by a bunch of people yelling antisemitic insults. We've also had people tell us how they want to beat the crap out of men with long hair (because that is a sure sign of orientation) or telling employees of a store they don't want the "queer" around their children. The guy in question was a hetero male in pink shirt.
I am friends with several people, both at the store I used to work at and at the fire station where I took a class. But it's rare that I find someone that will go beyond small talk (male or female) and I haven't done anything with anyone my age in almost 4 years.

Location can definitely be a huge issue when it comes to meeting people.

I hope you can move eventually, if that's what you want to do.

mccardey · Jan 28, 2015

I've made a derail happen

MOD!

Hapax Legomenon · Jan 28, 2015

The dating pool thing is a fallacy. Among other things, a lot of people aren't open to dating bisexuals at all because of the idea that they won't be satisfied with one person.

I think everyone thinks at some point that they want a different sexual (or romantic) partner than they have but at the same time crave stability. I mean if you're married to one person but you find a different "type" really attractive as well, are you necessarily going to be dissatisfied in life because you have a "type" that the person you marry/settle with/whatever does not fill? For some people, yes. For many people, no. That's how I view it, anyway.

Then again I've never really understood why group marriages aren't more of a thing...

DancingMaenid · Jan 28, 2015

mccardey said:
Well, sure but (asking out of ignorance here) does it not mean that one would feel more fulfilled if one had a relationship with each gender? If monogamy wasn't an issue, wouldn't it be more authentic for someone who was bisexual to have both?

Not necessarily. It really depends on the person.

For one thing, not all bisexual people feel a 50/50 split in attraction to men and women. Some prefer one gender but feel enough attraction to other genders that calling themselves bisexual feels more authentic. A person like this might feel attracted to more than one gender, but ultimately prefer settling down with a man or a woman. Some find that their attraction can fluctuate somewhat. Some bisexual people feel like gender/sex is mostly irrelevant to them. To someone like this, the difference between men and women might feel as superficial as the difference between someone with blond hair and someone with brown hair, or a skinny person and a heavyset person. Some people feel a pretty equal attraction to all genders and are equally happy being monogamous to someone of any gender.

Some bisexuals, like me, are attracted to more than two genders. Which could make having a partner of each gender you're attracted to quite complicated!

Personally, like I said above, gender does matter to me, and I may find someone attractive in a little different way depending on their gender. So that could play a role in whether I felt comfortable settling down in a monogamous relationship with someone or not. I'm not sure if I'd be happy in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man, but I think I could be with a woman. But ultimately, I see my being bisexual and my being interested in polyamory as being two different things that perhaps complement each other. They're not directly connected, and I can think of other reasons why it would be fulfilling for me to have more than one partner that are more important than gender to me.

Kevin Nelson · Jan 29, 2015

I don't have much to add here beyond what's already been said...the answer to mccardey's question is definitely "it depends on the person."

Looking back over this thread, I don't actually see any statement like "bisexuals have it easier because they have a larger dating pool." Anyway, I also agree with those who have said that's not necessarily the case.

Myrealana · Jan 29, 2015

I don't think there's a single person among all seven billion of us on the planet for each person. Imagine if you live in Iowa and your "one" was born in Mongolia or Zimbabwe?

I also don't believe in fate.

I do think that sometimes it takes some maturing before the set of possible good mates expands to include actual human beings in close proximity to you, though.

My husband and I met when we were both in our mid-20s. I had been married, had a child, gone to college. He'd been in the army, gone to war, been in a few relationships. We often talk about how, if we had met at age 18 or earlier, we would never have even been friends. I would never have given a second thought to someone who wasn't college bound. He would have considered me a nerd and ignored me. We were narrower in our thinking before we had some world experience. But we met at a time when both of us were willing to consider something different than what we'd experienced up to then, and it's worked out quite well. (15th anniversary coming up this April)

AndreF · Jan 29, 2015

Arztwolf said:
I go out into the community whenever I can (I volunteer at a humane society they days they are open), but one major hurdle in my area is the people. Lot of people I meet, once they learn why I can't do certain things (drive, operate a cash register, go to college yet), will intentionally avoid me. I have witnessed this with other disabled people in the community: people in wheelchairs get ignored, people with Down's Syndrome are stared at with disgust and God forbid a person with Autism stims a little (the way one person acted, you would of thought the child had leprosy). We had an Orthodox Jewish man and his family followed around a grocery store by a bunch of people yelling antisemitic insults. We've also had people tell us how they want to beat the crap out of men with long hair (because that is a sure sign of orientation) or telling employees of a store they don't want the "queer" around their children. The guy in question was a hetero male in pink shirt.
I am friends with several people, both at the store I used to work at and at the fire station where I took a class. But it's rare that I find someone that will go beyond small talk (male or female) and I haven't done anything with anyone my age in almost 4 years.

I read you man. Hell women look at me with a disgusted look on their face. (By the way I have no tattoos, my hair is cut and face shaved and I wear a belt.) I met high rollers and shook hands with power people. So they can look at me with that disgusted look all they want.

I don't talk to them unless it's for professional reasons and when I do I maintain eye contact. (And women don't talk to me either unless its for professional reasons i.e they need me to do something or they're setting me up)

So I understand where you're coming from and like the others have said maybe you'll find the one after you move somewhere or later on in life.

Fruitbat · Jan 29, 2015

Once I read a news story about a woman who weighed, like, a thousand pounds and was stuck in her chair, which she had messed in so much and for so long that her skin grew into the chair fibers. And she was married, so I'm gonna say yes, there is someone for everyone. Just look around any day when you go out and I guarantee you people with problems far worse than yours most certainly do couple up!

Here's one thing I have noticed but I have no idea who it may or may not apply to... I had a friend who the years weren't especially kind to. She joined three dating sites and sent many messages to men on there who were of similar age and size. No one wanted to give her a chance, based solely on her being older and heavier, I guess, since they wouldn't even answer her to have an online conversation. No one! How many of those men complain constantly that they can't find anyone? And how many of them are a two out of ten in conventional desirability yet won't give a gal a chance who's below an eight in conventional desirability? And then, isn't "conventional desirability" really such BS anyway?

Just a thought and good luck to those who are single but don't want to be.

Is there really "someone for everyone" or is that a bunch of BS?

Jagermonster

Jagermonster

It's a doggy dog world

Revolutionize the World

partial to a gum tree

Revolutionize the World

New kid...seven years ago!

Aspiring to authorship since 1975

New kid...seven years ago!

Jagermonster

Revolutionize the World

Revolutionize the World

New kid...seven years ago!

Aspiring to authorship since 1975

I aim to misbehave

practical experience, FTW

.