Editing gives me the willies.

Here ya go, licity said soothingingingly....

Maybe the 'but' after the period needs changing/slashing. Just a thought.

Before you start drinking fix the [He gripped. . . ] two ps.

Otherwise it looks ok to me.

"...She felt his heart racing. He griped the table as though fighting back the sudden urge to vomit. But Megan kept her arm over his shoulder and soothed the anxiety attack before it became worse..."

Maybe -

Megan kept her arm over his shoulder to soothe the anxiety attack before it became worse. She could feel his heart beat racing. Seeing the way he gripped the table, she could sense the tension in his body as he fought the urge to vomit.

Ooh, he griped the table! I want to gripe the table. Wonder if it'd gripe back?

Love your new avatar, Spooky.

I guess I'd look at "soothed the anxiety attack before it became worse." Until then, you're moving along bit by bit in physical reality, but that part is more abstract. It's more like telling rather than showing.

So she crooned to him and he huddled against her? Then maybe a couple more little bits of action?

SpookyWriter said:

“Ryan, it’s okay. Don’t worry. We’ll find mom and dad. Just as soon as we can. Take a deep breath and relax.”​

She felt his heart racing. He gripped the table as though fighting back the sudden urge to vomit. But Megan kept her arm over his shoulder and attempted to soothe his anxiety before it worsened. His heart raced, pounding so hard she felt each beat against her skin. and soothed the anxiety attack before it became worse.​

---

Click to expand...

Oh yeah, and... some other suggestion. Just MHO, of course - grain of salt and all that. Yep. Self-editing sux hard monkey balls.

SpookyWriter said:

Erk! I read this scene and then had a cold moment. Why? Read for yourself and tell me what's wrong?

---

“Ryan, it’s okay. Don’t worry. We’ll find mom and dad. Just as soon as we can. Take a deep breath and relax.”
​

She felt his heart racing. He griped the table as though fighting back the sudden urge to vomit. But Megan kept her arm over his shoulder and soothed the anxiety attack before it became worse.
​

---

Sometimes editing my own work gives reason to drink. I know self-editing is part of the process, but dang if I hate it.

Click to expand...

Boy, I know what you mean!
Chocolate, reading AW, that's what I'm doing right now instead of self-editing

I don't write fiction, and don't have much experience with managing POV. But I'll take a stab at it.

I like the visceral quality of this. But I wonder if there is something like a tricky shift in POV doing on here? We seem to start out with Megan, but I'm not sure it makes sense that she could feel Ryan's racing heart or recognize his urge to vomit. (This seems to put us within his experience too completely.) Maybe describing something that's easier for her to see/feel from the outside--like feeling his heaving chest and clammy skin, hearing his shallow breathing? Or maybe she remembers the last time this happened, and he vomited? I also wonder a little about the label "anxiety attack," which can pull the reader back from the experience. (And there is a typo: should be "gripped" the table.)

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Susan

LOL! So much easier for me to do that to someone else's stuff than mine.

That's the crux of editing. You see what you know is supposed to be there, what you intended to write, instead of what's actually there. Little spelling glitches, extraneous words, minor POV shifts and awkward sentence construction (now, I'm talking about my stuff here! ) just blend into the page, sitting there trying to look all natural so you can't find them.

Pesky words. That's it! They don't want to be caught and thrown out! It's all their fault!!!

(Can you tell I'm in edit mode too? )

I would change "We’ll find mom and dad. Just as soon as we can," into We'll find mom and dad just as soon as we can."

Ryan, it’s okay.


Don’t worry.
[You may get more emphasis if she uses one phrase instead of two phrases saying the same thing twice.
Also, is this is a 'worry' -- or something more frightening? ]


'We’ll find Mmom and Ddad.
[Caps, because they are proper names.
And I'd just continue this on to the next sentence, rather than leaving that fragment there.
I have no objections to fragments,
but I think the sense of this passage is that this sentence and the following fragment make a complete thought. ]
Just as soon as we can.

Take a deep breath and relax.”
[If this is serious, then maybe he shouldn't relax.
Maybe he should get a grip or buck up or stop fricking having hysterics or concentrate on the matter at hand or try to fight off the anxiety attack in an intelligent manner.
-- 'Take a deep breath and tell me everything you remember about the accident.'
-- 'Take a deep breath and hold me. I'm scared. I need your help.'
-- 'Take deep breath and count to ten. You remember what Dr. Pierce told you.']

[Here we move into the mixed POV.
She feels./He feels.
Let's assume Megan is the POV character.]


She took his shoulder and felt his heart racing. [Which is maybe an exaggeration, but not toooo unbelievable] .

Ryan He [use of the name to keep us in her POV, but this is a choice thingum, here.]

gripped the table [I can't spell either. I would have missed this]

desperately, shaking and pale, breathing fast.
as though fighting back the sudden urge to vomit. [vomit is all very well in its way, but hard to discuss exhaustively in her POV]


But
[the secret of 'but' is that it is not merely a handy conjunction we use when 'and' grows tedious.
'But' means ...
'this contradicts what came before.'
'This is unexpected.'

If you can substitute 'and' or 'then' or 'therefore', without changing the meaning of the sentence ... you should not be using 'but'.

Is there is a contractiction between him feeling sick and her comforting and supporting him?
If not -- no 'but'.

If you want to use 'but' ... then you should say something about him almost having a fullblown attack but ... and go on to contrast the final result]



She Megan
[Her POV so she gets the default pronoun.]

kept
[we didn't actually have her 'putting' the arm on the shoulder before. Then we have her 'keeping' it there.
So one choice would be to first put the arm on his shoulder and then ...]
held him
her arm over his shoulder and soothed the anxiety attack before it became worse.

[Now ... in her POV ... I would probably first describe how he looked to her and then have her take action. So first the pale and shivering and then the arm around the shoulder. I'd do that because it's a natural order of encounter ... sight, then touch afterwards.
That leads us through her involvement with him in a logical sequence
that goes from sensory --tactile and sight,
to theoretical -- talking about anxiety attacks.

But I didn't switch 'em around here.]

---


************

Ryan, it’s okay. We’ll find Mom and Dad just as soon as we can. Take a deep breath and count to ten. You remember what Dr. Pierce told you.

She took his shoulder and felt his heart racing. Ryan gripped the tabletop desperately, shaking and pale, breathing fast. She held him and soothed away the anxiety attack before it became worse.
*************
.
.

Hey, we are all in the same boat, with seeing problems more easily in others' writing than in our own.

I've just been entertaining myself by going over all the rejection letters my agent passes on to me from the editors who so far have said no. She assures me they appear to like the story (it's memoir) and the writing. The problem is my subject: too narrow or quirky to have a big enough audience, they think.

But at this moment I'm feeling that in the right hands (or with a good editor) the outcome could be different. Like my writing isn't up to the story--too clunky and leaden, and I never see it till someone else identifies it for me. Kind of overwhelming. I've been in avoidance mode all weekend.

Susan

swvaughn said:

Ooh, he griped the table! I want to gripe the table. Wonder if it'd gripe back?

Love your new avatar, Spooky.

Click to expand...

**falls out of chair LMAO**


Oh, that's great. Those are the funniest mistakes to make.