I'm in hibernation mode until my HRT appointment on Monday.
I can't think about anything else. I can't concentrate on anything.
I really really hope I can walk out with a script on Monday and they won't want to wait for initial blood work.
I can't keep feeling like this while I have so much work to do for my PhD dissertation.
My parents asked me why couldn't I wait until after graduation to start transitioning.
I don't think I would graduate if I had to wait.
I don't even know what day it is right now.
It's just not Monday yet.
I wish I still had those pictures of me made up as a girl.
Not that I identify as trans. I just think I made a pretty girl.
By the way, I don't think the "suddenly wake up with opposite genitalia" fantasy is terribly uncommon among cis gendered people, either. I know I've had them.
Man, one of these days when my hair gets long enough, I need to find a good female friend to apply me some make-up, lend me a dress, and see how well I can pull that off.
Hmm. Last night after catching up on this thread, I started thinking about what I would do if I suddenly woke up as a girl one day. After a lot of thought, it struck me that I didn't think it would bother me too much, other than the financial setback because I would want to re-do a lot of my wardrobe. I'm happy being a guy, and it's not something I'd seek to change, but after thinking about it for a while, I feel I'd be fine with it either way. I'm not sure if that's strange or not. It probably is.
Even if it's not so terribly weird that I don't feel I'd have much of a problem being a girl, it's got to be a little weird that what I think I would find most troublesome is the overhaul I would have to make to my wardrobe? Not that I have any hang-ups about what men or women should wear, but if I were to be a girl, I'd want some cute dresses, dammit!
I bought my first skirt today!
I'm not really trans, but I was excited.
The denial was strong in this one.
New wardrobe is coming along.
Should I have seen this coming?
Well I can certainly say I'm not stereotypically masculine, but I don't dislike this body, other than the bit of belly I've accumulated around the middle.
I don't know. It's just something I've found myself thinking about lately.
If I had a dollar for every time I tried to convince myself I was comfortable with this body...
It's true that I don't really dislike it... it just needs estrogen badly...
Four years later, that "bit of belly" had accumulated enough to make me look masculine to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.
At the beginning of 2015, I resolved to start running and lose enough weight so I could fit into my girl clothes again by Halloween.
So, who here has used Halloween as an excuse to experiment with cross-dressing in public?
I know I did.
And, of course, people told me I did too good a job....
I did. And afterward, I was left with a profound sense of "what now?"
"Is this it?"
I guess I always figured that if I could be a girl for just one day, it would be enough for me, and those feelings would go away. Of course, it only intensified them, and made me want it so much more. I couldn't ignore it anymore.
I got depressed and lost all motivation for running and became a shut-in and didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to go back.
Two months later I came out as a trans girl to my closest friends and family.
Finally had the talk with my mom. She doesn't believe that it's real. That it's part of my depression and that I just want to be someone else since I hate myself. She seems to believe some not true things about transgendered people; like always being able to tell someone isn't a typical guy, like that they always have to start over completely in a new life, etc. Also, she said that she'll never consider me to be her daughter. I'll always be her son. And she brought up, over and over, about how no one will accept it because of the area we live in and that her family won't accept it. She used the fact that I don't take good care of myself and that I have a deep voice against it being real. Also, due to anxiety issues and depression, I still live with my parents and she added that I can't live with them as a girl. So, yeah, not a great reaction by any stretch.
That's my mom right now.
We really can't win. My mother thinks I can't be trans because I'm too young to know (I'm 26). My father thinks I can't be trans because I'm too old to know (he thinks I should've known since I was a very young child, like 4 or 5, or at least "showed signs").
I'm definitely insecure about the fact that it took me this long to figure out. But looking back, I can definitely see
some signs.
This is one reason I am becoming fascinated lately with Native American tradition. People who are genderqueer were (and possibly today still are)considered spiritually enlightened, and were regarded as healers and counselors. I've been trying to learn more but I'm not sure where to start.
I've finally started to become comfortable identifying as two-spirit in addition to being a trans girl. I hated how so many queer white people were appropriating the term, when it comes with so much cultural baggage they'll never experience.
But I'm the same clan as We'wha. So dammit, I'm claiming it.
I'm still nervous about how I'll fit into Zuni society after this... where my place will be... Most of those traditions have been lost.
Is it Monday yet?