oh dear. well,...
*ambles up on stage. turns on mic*
you see, well, it seems that haggis bought him. he wanted a nice seagull as a pet. except that after several weeks of trying, haggis was unable to get it to speak a single word. in desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.
the vet tells him that the seagull’s beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. he says that he can file it down for $100.
haggis thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself. the vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. if he does not file enough, the gull still won’t be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.
haggis decides to think it over and leaves with del.
several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the haggis who is looking rather down. he inquires about del. haggis replies that his seagull is dead.
"did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vet.
haggis nods his head.
"and he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"
"no," replied haggis, "he was dead when i took his head out of the vise."