This is why I don't like to talk about writing

JoNightshade · Oct 15, 2007

This is why I don't like to talk to people about my writing. Yesterday my husband was on the phone with his mom. The conversation I overheard went like this:

"Her writing? Oh, it's going fine. She finished her book so now she's trying to get an agent. Yeah, she's gotten a lot of rejections. She's done this a couple of times before, but... yeah... Yeah, sometimes it takes a while..."

I'm sitting there (banging my head on the table) imagining the thoughts that must be running through my mother in law's head:

My son married some artsy writer and is now completely supporting her while she does this writing thing, and she isn't even published? She's getting a bunch of rejections???

CaroGirl · Oct 15, 2007

I understand what you're saying. But, objectively, why are we so culturally bound up in caring what other people think about us? Your husband, even if he doesn't totally understand, supports your need to write. You know why you write and that you're doing the best you can, while continuing to grow and learn as a writer. You're finishing projects and sending them out into the wild. You're already further ahead of the game than a lot of wannabe writers.

Just keep plugging away and try not to care what your mil thinks.

And here's some chocolate, just cuz.

Jersey Chick · Oct 15, 2007

Not knowing your MIL and your relationship with her, I have to play devil's advocate and say maybe she's not thinking that at all. My husband was the same way and my mil is one of the most supportive people in my family. A lot of people don't realize that it isn't a simple as finishing the book - to hear your husband explaining it (in that cute not-really-having-a-clue kind of way) might be all it takes for her to realize it as well.

I try to be positive

JoNightshade · Oct 15, 2007

Haha, thanks for the support guys. I'm not complaining about my husband or my MIL... I just realized how BAD all of this sounds to people who don't know anything about the process, you know?

Shady Lane · Oct 15, 2007

I UNDERSTAND, JO.

JoNightshade · Oct 15, 2007

Shady Lane said:
I UNDERSTAND, JO.

Thanks.

melaniehoo · Oct 15, 2007

At least you know you're not alone!

JoNightshade · Oct 15, 2007

melaniehoo said:
At least you know you're not alone!

Yeah! I have all you guys at AW! Okay actually my family is very supportive too.

I just happen to be one of those people who has to have everyone think she's got it all together. I seriously need to get over that. Being a full time writer is... definitely helping.

YES, WORLD! GO AHEAD AND THINK I'M A LOSER! I'M OKAY WITH THAT!

Siddow · Oct 15, 2007

JoNightshade said:
"Her writing? Oh, it's going fine. She finished her book so now she's trying to get an agent. Yeah, she's gotten a lot of rejections. She's done this a couple of times before, but... yeah... Yeah, sometimes it takes a while..."

Let's do some spin on this:

MIL: "So, how is Jo doing with the writing?" (she's interested!)

Husband: "Her writing? Oh, it's going fine. She finished her book so now she's trying to get an agent."

MIL: "Oh, tell her I wish her luck. My friend Barb is trying to get an agent, too, and she says it's so hard. So many rejections."

Husband: "Yeah, she's gotten a lot of rejections. She's done this a couple of times before, but..."

MIL: "You tell her to keep it up! It's only a matter of time. Do you know how many times JK Rowling was rejected? Things worked out pretty well for her."

Husband: "Yeah, sometimes it takes a while..."

So see, they're both being very supportive! Unlike my FIL, who called to say he read my story in Reader's Digest about the Chicken Coup, but couldn't understand why it had someone else's name as the author.

My husband was like, "It's Chicken SOUP, dad. She's in a Chicken SOUP book. Not Reader's Digest. Well, not yet."

Monkey · Oct 15, 2007

I feel your pain.

It can be hard to explain why you don't have a book out yet.

Don't worry, though. Your MIL was asking about your writing, and not making disparaging remarks. She probably meant to be supportive.

Monkey · Oct 15, 2007

LOL...while I was typing that, several other people jumped in with the same sentiments.

David McAfee · Oct 15, 2007

Yeah. I LOVE explaining to my In-Laws why I have had an agent since April and still haven't sold my book.

FIL: "I thought getting an agent was supposed to help you sell your book."

Moi: "The key word there is HELP. These things take time. Rarely does anything happen overnight in this biz."

FIL: "What do YOU know about the biz? Yer not even in it yet. Not really."

Moi: long, exasperated sigh...

Non Writers don't get it.

Azraelsbane · Oct 15, 2007

David McAfee said:
Non Writers don't get it.

Nope, they don't. And wannabe writers get it even less. My favorite response to my writing always comes from my best friend's husband. "Oh yeah, man, I've got this fantasy series that's gonna be killer. I just haven't sat down to write it yet. I want to wait until I have time to sit and write the whole thing within the span of a week." *headdesk* He's been saying this for the past 6 years. Note: He only just last month got a job, before that he had 6 years of my friend supporting him. Still hasn't had time to get to that series amidst his busy schedule of scratching himself and swapping around his fantasy sports teams.

I feel your pain, Jo. Don't worry, listen to the other people in this thread, she might have been really interested.

And don't worry about the rejection thing, you'll get an agent soon. Your new book sounds awesome!

WendyNYC · Oct 15, 2007

Don't worry Jo, it will feel even better now when you DO get published. Be sure to send her a case of books for all her friends.

Saundra Julian · Oct 15, 2007

Hang tough, Jo, and this too shall pass.

Ava Jarvis · Oct 15, 2007

Your time will come.

Scrawler · Oct 15, 2007

I guess I come from another planet, time zone, century or culture. It's my husband's JOB to completely support me, be it emotionally, financially, or other, while I do my writing or do something else. I know he loves to do it, too--supporting his wife makes him feel like his work matters.

My MIL is pleased to know I work from home and have time to "take care of" her son. (It's also my job to completely support him, too.)

JoNightshade · Oct 15, 2007

Scrawler said:
I guess I come from another planet, time zone, century or culture. It's my husband's JOB to completely support me, be it emotionally, financially, or other, while I do my writing or do something else. I know he loves to do it, too--supporting his wife makes him feel like his work matters.

My MIL is pleased to know I work from home and have time to "take care of" her son. (It's also my job to completely support him, too.)

Actually this is me too.

I think most people are not getting my point. It's not that my loved ones are unsupportive at all. It's just me thinking "OMG everyone who hears me talking about my writing must think I'm a total loser."

From an outside perspective, just the bare facts about this industry are embarrassing to have to relate. Because they sound so horrible.

Calla Lily · Oct 16, 2007

I'm still training my parents NOT TO ASK EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Because the conversation always goes:

Them: "Did you hear anything about the book?"

Me: "Not yet. These things take time."

Them: "We know; we were just wondering if you heard anything."

Me: "As soon as I hear anything, I'll let you know. It's a long process [VERY brief non-writer recap of 'agent queries-wait-partial req-wait-full req-wait-wait-wait... they could still say 'no thanks']"

And yes, the conversation does repeat those same words. They're getting up there in age, and are both a teeny bit deaf and won't admit it. I don't usually tell them about book progress because of the above never-ending conversation. Just the latest article I've got on the Web. Then they get a friend to print it out, because they don't own a computer, LOL.

And my folks are very supportive--they think it's way cool that I'm pubbed on the Web. I'm the first person on both sides of the family to get a college education, so this is proof that it all paid off. When (hey, it's actually a possibility now!) I get pubbed, that'll have to be my book dedication: To my folks--see, the college education finally paid off!

Just Me 2021 · Oct 16, 2007

Same thing here. My MIL and FIL both politely inquire about my book every time they call. Well intentioned, but they don't get how we could still be revising and haven't submitted yet. They think getting an agent equals selling the book tomorrow. I can't wait to get on submission so at least I can say we're waiting on the publishers, though you know they will think the book should be on the shelves of Barnes and Noble next week...

Saundra Julian · Oct 16, 2007

I wish my parents were here to ask questions...I miss them both.

triceretops · Oct 16, 2007

Awe, Saudra, I miss mine too. I think they would be very proud of us. Okay?

And in case I haven't said, I"m proud of you. You're kickin' and pitchin', and someday the result will be bitchin'.

Jo--come here for hugs--we're your biggest writing family.

Tri

Azraelsbane · Oct 16, 2007

callalily61 said:
I'm still training my parents NOT TO ASK EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Because the conversation always goes:

Them: "Did you hear anything about the book?"

Me: "Not yet. These things take time."

Them: "We know; we were just wondering if you heard anything."

Me: "As soon as I hear anything, I'll let you know. It's a long process [VERY brief non-writer recap of 'agent queries-wait-partial req-wait-full req-wait-wait-wait... they could still say 'no thanks']"

And yes, the conversation does repeat those same words. They're getting up there in age, and are both a teeny bit deaf and won't admit it. I don't usually tell them about book progress because of the above never-ending conversation. Just the latest article I've got on the Web. Then they get a friend to print it out, because they don't own a computer, LOL.

And my folks are very supportive--they think it's way cool that I'm pubbed on the Web. I'm the first person on both sides of the family to get a college education, so this is proof that it all paid off. When (hey, it's actually a possibility now!) I get pubbed, that'll have to be my book dedication: To my folks--see, the college education finally paid off!

Good to know I'm not the only one who has to repeat this stuff. I've tried to dodge my mother as much as possible because of this. It's always "Is your book published yet?" "No, Mom, I just started querying agents..." basically repeat convo with process as you described. And usually I'm lucky enough to have my aunt there, who then makes snarky comments about how much of a failure I am as a human being. Fun fun! By this point in time I just want to be published so I can smack her across the face with one of my books.

Kerr · Oct 16, 2007

Hey there! Just wanted to say how exciting it would be to at least have the backing of your own family. Mine, (mother in particular,) always tried to discourage me. Her best advice was, "Couldn't you at least try to write something realistic. I can't read this garbage."

What can I say, I love horror!

Later, Mom started writing a newsletter, so maybe it was always her secret passion, too.

Take what encouragement you find and run. You are so lucky. A husband too??

Kerr,
the dark one

qdsb · Oct 16, 2007

Yup, this is all a timely reminder of why I don't tell my family I'm writing novels. My husband and some close friends form a great support system without all those stressful questions and misconceptions.

I have enough self-doubt. I don't need any external uninformed scrutiny to make me doubt myself even more.

This is why I don't like to talk about writing

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